A Thank You Note

I want to take a moment an thank everyone who reads my posts, also for the people that leave the lovely comments of support, its a part of why I continue to write my blog, because I know people can relate, an for that i’m very grateful…

There’s nothing worse than struggling through in life an feeling so apart from the rest of the world, not knowing where to turn, or where we fit in

But…
As long as we know that there are people out there who aren’t so different than us, an who know what its like to go through the same struggles in life, it let’s us know that we aren’t so alone, an gives us a little hope

Again, thank you for following me on my journey, of not recovery, but more self discovery, i wish only for you, what I wish for myself ~

Everyone who follows my blog, gets followed back, because I like to be part of other life journeys besides my own, an because it means we are in this together

Broken Wings

Sometimes you have to wonder where your life is headed, personally, now at 27, I feel if you have to ask yourself that question, then there is a problem

The butterfly represents growth and evolution, coming from a different path in life, to spread your wings, and embrace a new destiny

I’m not happy with my life, it mostly consists of listening to my family telling me things that aren’t all that interesting, that’s when they aren’t complaining about something, my older brother always seems to be in a bad mood, when he’s this way, everyone else has to be miserable too, then there’s him an his girlfriend always falling out, my younger brother is in prison, an I have a girl who I haven’t seen in nine years messaging me on facebook, telling me she loves me an has dreams where I’m her boyfriend! Its all tiresome, pointless drama

I just can’t be around it anymore, these days I barely leave the house, I have so much fear inside when I do, I spend most days by myself, binge eating, an smoking like a train, I have no energy to do anything, my thoughts an the voices are usually my only company

I guess its when you reach this stage that you wonder… ‘When did I stop caring’ so much time has past that its just your way of life now

I know it sounds like I’ve just given up, but I’ve come to a point where inside, I just feel defeated, life doesn’t even feel real to me anymore, its like I’m beyond life, I’m on the out side, an I can see life, the world, for what it really is, maybe in another life I could handle it, but the truth is, I can’t handle a life, the responsibility of being alive

Its strange to be alive, to live, when you’re already dead

Just today I was day dreaming of just packing a bag, an vanishing, even wondering would I leave a note, where would I go, what would I do for money, I don’t know, an I didn’t care, sometimes I take for granted what I do have compared to some other poor souls in this world, but even still, its not enough, it never has been, not for me

I wouldn’t feel this way if I had a life that made me happy, my family, an the people in my life may love me, but I’m not needed here, I’m just a part that doesn’t fit, I’ve always felt it, the fear of what if, has always held me back from going on my own journey

In my life now, alcohol, occasionally experimenting with drugs, an indulging in ‘being tylar’ are how I choose to escape from myself, at the same time searching for some identity in this world an a life of my own

There’s no harm in admitting that you can’t deal with the hand you’ve been dealt

You get the voices inside, ‘if its so bad, an you don’t want to live, then just get on with it already’ maybe one day I’ll find my way, I could be at a cross roads, as bad as things are, imagining any type of future is a positive sign

I’m like anyone else, I have my good days, as well as the bad, its about coping, getting through the hard times an coming out the other side, perhaps a little less of a person than you were, but still in one piece

To end this post, i want to share something I read with you, I haven’t fixed it, this is the way it was written, but there is some truth an perhaps insight to be gained in its strange ramble of a persons inner wisdom, its about reading it, an understanding it in your own way ~

Do you know why the sky is blue? Do you know why the flowers have colors? Do you know why the paths reach a certain destiny?
The sky is reflection of the sea. The colour of the flower is the happiness of God. And the destiny is the end or beginning of each human being alive. There is a mystery in everything, which has to be resolved by each one; that is the reason that there is a tomorrow either to begin or to end.
The flower that is been born is like hope, trust and Love. A flower that withers is like the farewell, like disillusionment, even worse, like the death of love. But, somewhat, we all are part of a shared destiny that can be happy or sad and which we will reach as a goal or we will abandon without having taken either a step.
The true life is for the ones who have the courage to live and the life that is not life is for the one who does not surrender to feel and to listen to what his heart wants to say.
The sky is blue for the one who follows his dreams and makes them come true. But the sky will be gray for the one who does not dare to feel even his own heart. For these ones, there will be no sea, no sky, no flower, no smiles, no hope but the destiny coming to an end only. And it will be like the withered flower. There will be no solution. There will be no cure, only the end

Inner Demons

I knew that I had come face to face with some one whose mere personality was so fascinating that, if I allowed it to do so, it would absorb my whole nature, my whole soul

I’ve spoken a little before about the ‘other side’ of myself, like a split personality, but also a part of who I am, its something I still don’t understand yet, for now though, I’m convinced its my raw emotions that bring me to a state of mind that feels like I’m not in control

I’ve only briefly mentioned it to my mental health team, I told them, that all the bad within me, the mental illness, all the emotions and impulses, the chaos, and all the anger and rebellion, I’ve named tylar, an it has somehow taken on a life of its own, an as I’ve mentioned above, I don’t understand it myself

Its strange at times I get lost in my own head, an that other side of me takes over, an its like I’m looking on at someone I don’t know, and can’t really control, an when it passes, I’m left with all the guilt from the thoughts an actions done in those times, by that other side of myself

I don’t know what brings it on, hurt I guess, in those times, all i can feel is the hatred, and the anger, everyone is my enemy, everyone is against me, an the only person I can trust an rely on is myself, I wish everyone around me would disappear, people are only there to be used for my needs, I get tempted by danger, an crazy ideas, I sometimes get the most horrible thoughts about people, with a little self punishment in there too

It yearns to be free, for revenge, it loves being surrounded by the chaos of life, and the pain of others, it can be scary how cruel it is sometimes, or should I say he is, Even though it feels completely separate from me, could it really just be me, an I can’t except the truth, am I just in a strange state of denial

I could feel it growing inside me for a long time, in my paranoid, delusional states, I believed there was something evil inside me, like a demon, or some spirit possessing me, which I know now to not be true, but I still can’t help believe it a little, its like something other than me, is clinging onto the idea

I know its a dangerous part of me, its like a poison, a part of me that gives me a high, with a seductive desire

We all have inner demons, a darker side that we all need to fight, there are so many things we bottle up an run from in life, the things we don’t have the strength to deal with, eventually its going to come out in some way, anger, hurting the people around us, isolation, I guess with me, everything I’ve ever buried has found its own way

The Looming Shadow Of ESA #2

Desperation is the raw material of drastic change. Only those who can leave behind everything they have ever believed in can hope to escape

When Desperate Needs Must

I’ve had a few stressful days lately, my emotions an how I feel have been up an down, an all over the place, on sunday I went an visited my younger brother in prison, its always so stressful, an I always have to self medicate, because the journey is long to begin with, then there’s the guards who have to frisk you, an you have to be sniffed by a drugs dog, among giving your fingerprint an other things, you have to sit at a table in a crowded room with all the other prisoners an their families, so its one long day of anxiety!

Yesterday I had my assessment with a doctor for ESA, I was so nervous, an also disappointed with my family, none of them wanted to come with me, especially my mum, mostly from the fear of being seen with me, that it would affect her when it came to her time for an assessment, but my brothers girlfriend, an my friend came with me, so I wasn’t alone, an I’m really grateful to her

I was up at 7:45, as my appointment was at 9:50, some of you might raise an eyebrow at this, but I self medicated, an also had some vodka an coke, to settle my nerves, an also to give me confidence

When i got there, i was very grateful it was a lady, I’ve always been able to open up more to women doctors etc, she asked me a few questions, an she must have felt sorry for me, because she kept calling me ‘pet’ an ‘darling’ after a while I broke down, which I always do when I feel overwhelmed, I managed to pull it together, but not for long, yes, I broke down again!

At this point she went to get my friend to come in an sit with me, while they were away, I went an hide on the floor, in the corner of the room, behind a medical curtain, don’t ask me why, I think the tablets an alcohol weren’t a good mix, an I was freaking out

The voices in my head were telling me I was a disgrace, an i was repeating over an over again ‘I tried my best’ when the doctor an my friend came in, she asked me who I was talking to, I replied ‘a friend’ an that I didn’t want to talk about it, I must have came across like I was completely crazy, but I couldn’t help it, I was having like an out of body experience, an I couldn’t control myself, I just lost all control

The doctor I guess cut the appointment short because i was pretty much a mess, she asked my friend a few questions, an also asked could she get me home ok, as I left, I suddenly hugged the doctor for some reason, I’m guessing she smelt the vodka from me (I lost my chewing gum before I went in) if she did, who knows what will happen, its kind of a blur really, I’ll just have to wait an see, but I do know i couldn’t go through that again, no way!

Since then, I’ve been feeling strange, I think I’m just ‘lifed out’

Every day, simple things, like just brushing my teeth, remind me that I’m alive, an how much I hate it, everyday I’m alive I die a little more inside, I can’t even remember the person I used to be anymore, I’m just an empty shell, an emotional wreck one day, and an empty emotionless void the next

I’ve also mentioned many times now about how I’m feeling really distanced from my family, I just feel so apart from them, lately I can’t really stand to be around them, the constant drama that goes on when we are around each other, I don’t need it in my life, an i think its best I take a few days away from them, it will make my life more isolated, but I can still go into town etc, just to get out of the house

I just know that something has to happen soon, or I’m afraid I’m going to constantly feel this way, an maybe one day lose control all together

Lifes Eternal Maze

What is it about life, that makes us wonder where we belong, where we fit in, makes us feel lost, with nowhere to turn, nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, makes us feel so alone, so vulnerable, confused, and sometimes scared to live

Its beautiful outside today, the sun is shining, an there’s a strong wind, my favourite kind of day, it always makes me think of walking on the beach, the waves lapping on the sand, its like my ‘happy place’ it always has been, there has always been something about water that’s always felt like home for me, my place of calm in a storm

I feel left behind today, forgotten by my doctor, but then am I surprised, no…

Dr H, was meant to write me a letter, so I could have a home visit from ESA, it needed to be sent in four days before my assessment, which is on the 22nd, I needed it tomorrow at the latest, but he forgot, an is now off until friday, now it would be down to Dr C

Dr C, I feel has always been out to get me, accusing me trying to blackmail her, cutting me off medication that actually was helping me, an causing my latest breakdown, I’m wise to her now, she’s always been against me from day one, I haven’t seen her for about a year now, so she has no clue what I’m going through, an I’d rather suffer than to get any help from her, that’s if she was even willing to help me, which I doubt

Sometimes its true, that the people you hate the most, often teach you the most valuable lessons in life

Looks like I’ll have to attend the ESA appointment, with no one really willing it seems to come with me, the appointment is that early, I think I’d have to get a school bus, I mean really, me plus social phobia plus a school bus, can you really see it, cause I don’t, its causing me so much stress, but does my doctor, or anyone see or understand that, sadly no, an a taxi would cost quite a bit

It might not seem like a big deal to some, but for me it is, an it doesn’t help that i’m really fragile at the moment

My family and i, it feels like we’re like strangers, I guess we always have been, they spend so much time comparing each other, when we are nothing alike

On the night I came home after my friends birthday, which I didn’t mention before, I overdosed, an passed out, my brain/mind, an heart haven’t felt right ever since, Dr H, and the doctor on call wanted me to go to A&E, but I haven’t

I saw him on friday, that’s when he said he’d take care of the letter I needed, an also to get the crisis team to see me, of which I’ve had neither, its a common theme with him, he constantly forgets things, an needs constant reminders, he just doesn’t seem to take his job seriously, I’m always having to pick up his slack

When I feel this way, I like to deal with it by imagining myself the day after the thing that’s worrying me, its all behind me, I’ve already lived it, it helps a little

Its scary that at times a part of me dies inside, but emotions aren’t always just black and white

No One Said I Told You So

I would have made this post sooner, but I’ve been quite ill, but I’ll get to that

To update you, I cancelled my ESA appointment, I was lucky that you are allowed to cancel once, my new date is april 22nd, I’m yet to see my doctor for a letter to see if I can have a home visit

My friends birthday was on friday, I almost pulled out, but my mum kept pushing, in a nice way, for me to go, so I did, an it was so much fun, I think I enjoyed it the most! I need more nights like that, friends, laughing, a few drinks, dancing etc

Though when we got back home, the night turned, we drank some more, an did other things, which I don’t want to get into, but let’s just say I regret it, like I always do, I think the alcohol gets you swept up in the moment, an it had been a good night, which I didn’t want to end just yet

I should have just gotten the taxi to leave me home after having a good night out

I didn’t get home until saturday night, with no sleep either, I could barely talk as I’d smoked so much, an had been trying to shout over everyone all night

All day yesterday I felt awful, my muscles were so sore, I had a thumping headache, I felt sick, my body felt so warm, but I was shivering, I felt my heart beating fast the whole day, an I’ve had the worst nights sleep the last couple of days, but come today, I’m almost back to myself

Nights like that always end up with all sorts of people dropping in, I don’t even know if my brother knows them, because I’ve never seen them before, they usually end up not liking me, probably because I never shut up all night!

But I’m done with that coming into my life, I’ve said it before, but this time I mean it, its not worth it, an I get nothing from it, except feeling dirty an ashamed, but we live an learn

Punishment In Revenge

Revenge is an act of passion, vengeance of justice. Injuries are revenged, crimes are avenged

I tried to write a blog days ago, but it ended up a mess, I haven’t been well lately, an that’s partly my own fault, after DR C left that rude voicemail about me being cut off diazepam, in which she almost implied I was an addict, a part of me snapped, an I haven’t been taking any medication at all lately, at first it was a sort of revenge, but I’m the only one being hurt by it as the withdrawal symptoms are taking their toll

I feel awful! I’m having static shock through my body, I feel sick, to the point of throwing up, I’m over heating, my sleep pattern is messed up, an I feel like I’m barely here, so you tell me who’s winning in this scenario

My anger just took over, an I thought I’d somehow get my own back by my actions, but it backfired, along with the withdrawal, I’ve become isolated, an bitter towards those around me, convincing myself I’m alone, when I’ve put myself where I am, I’m pretty much a pathetic mess of my own making

I’m just falling apart, getting urges to self harm, the frustration is unbearable, I’m having murderous intrusive thoughts, an losing the will to go on, all I can think about is how much I don’t care about anything, an how much I just want to be left alone, an to feel free from everything in my life

I couldn’t of picked a worse time, but that’s the story of my life, I haven’t been going out, an everything is getting to me, my medical for ESA is on thursday, an I’m in no shape to attend, so I’m hoping I can ring an get out of it, my friends birthday is on friday an its a big night, I just can’t be bothered, on top of that I’ve met someone really nice, but I’ve been so caught up in myself, I haven’t been making much of an effort

I just want to cry, maybe when I’m back on my meds, I’ll be ok again

The feathers in this post link back to my post, fallen angel, the fading truths once learnt, an realising that forgetting is sometimes easier

The Looming Shadow Of ESA

This is more of a dear diary post, it’ll be part one of two posts, the before and after if you want to call it that.

I’m clueless with this sort of thing, that being ESA benefit, an their medical assessments, I have had a couple before but for income support

I’ll just treat this one like I do when I see my own mental health team, an hope for the best, an hopefully by me blogging about this, it will help others who are just as anxious as me about this sort of thing

Today I woke up to a letter from ESA, telling me I had to arrange an appointment with the medical team, I have, an its set for april 4th, ever since, I haven’t been able to think of anything else, it keeps playing in my mind, I keep getting heart palpitations, feeling panicky, an my stomach feels sick, its not for a while, but already its thrown my mind into chaos

Its a normal process, I know that, its just about proving to them, what I already know to be true

I went online, to see how others like me coped with it, everyone spoke of how horrible it was, an how it left them afterwards, about how you’re judged, an asked trick questions, an have to meet a very high standard of mental illness to be awarded the benefit, I’m already really nervous

Family can take me, an come in with me, but I know I’ll have to self medicate, otherwise I won’t be able to cope, I won’t go otherwise, I couldn’t, my anxiety an social phobia would make it near impossible, the noise inside my head would drive me crazy

I know its not the best idea, to overdose on medication, but I’ve already warned them I’d have to do that on the form I had to fill in for them, regardless, my mental state is more important to me than money, at any point in the medical if i feel too uncomfortable, or it becomes too much an I can’t cope, I’ll get up an leave an they can fail me

If the worst happens, an I fail, I’ll get by somehow, I’ll appeal, an appeal goes more on my medical evidence than what I say, but we’ll see, I’ll just have to put it to the back of my mind, an cross that bridge when I get to it

In another blow, Dr C phoned an has cut me off diazepam, she was very rude about it, an almost made it seem like I was some kind of junkie! but later in a call with my mum, she said sorry, she just didn’t want to be the one responsible for getting me addicted to them, its almost like the medical world is against me!

I’ll just have to ride this wave like all the others, an come out the other side hopefully unscathed