A Thank You Note: Words From The Heart

Gratitude is when memory is stored in the heart, and not in the mind

Its almost been a year since I wrote my first thank you post, an I couldn’t be more grateful for the support I receive in writing this blog, it invites people into your life who understand, an support you, who feel your pain, but also will you on in happiness, because they’ve walked a similar path in life

We all have our ups an downs, our good days an our bad, its about having the strength to go on, taking small steps that lead to a bigger journey, learning a little more about ourselves along the way

May you follow your dreams, an always believe in yourself, keep your eyes on the stars, an hope in your heart

I’ve learned a lot about myself already, yet I have a lot more to learn, we never truly stop learning new things about ourselves, its about being content with what we find when we look deeper that matters, an realising that there is a lot more to us than the hardships that come with the psychiatric labels we’ve been given

As I said in my last thank you note;

There’s nothing worse than struggling through in life an feeling so apart from the rest of the world, not knowing where to turn, or where we fit in

But…
As long as we know that there are people out there who aren’t so different than us, an who know what its like to go through the same struggles in life, it let’s us know that we aren’t so different after all, that we aren’t alone in all this, an it gives us a little hope

Thank you for following me on my journey, of not recovery, but more self discovery, i wish only for you, what I wish for myself

Everyone who follows my blog, gets followed back, because I like to be part of other life journeys besides my own, an because it means we are in this together

Getting Lost In Ourselves

I wrote before, about how I never let myself imagine a future, a life, or anything more than what I have now, when I do allow myself too, I get this strange feeling, like a happiness, yet its like I’m imaging the life of someone else, sometimes I can’t see beyond next week, like ‘future’ is something of dreams

I feel as though life with mental illness, is like a sort of amnesia, we get lost in ourselves, it keeps us trapped in the here an now, something that consumes your mind can take away so much, make things hazy, so much time is spent wishing for a better day, that so many others pass us by in the meantime

When things stay the same for so long, we don’t grow as people, we limit ourselves in life, staying behind, as others move on without us, while we are left with regrets

I go through these transitions sometimes, I’ve just never taken a chance, a real risk, an stepped out from behind my families shadow, real change is more than just words, an although I’m nervous an a little scared, I’m ready for the next chapter in my life now, where I’m the lead in my own story

Moving on to reality, an the present, I finally saw my financial adviser, who told me I get to keep my awarded money, as long as I have a trustee account, its a loop-hole in the law, which even he’s surprised hasn’t been closed yet, so I was worrying about nothing, though I didn’t have all the facts, it just seemed to good to be true

I’ll have the money in about three weeks, though I don’t think its fair that I have to pay him £750 just to set up the trustee account for me, I have no choice really

Right now, I’m sort of at a stand still, so I’m looking forward to the days ahead

Over the past week, the family drama continued, my brothers were drinking again, I know many people live for the weekend, but with my brothers there is always drama, this time my older brother was no trouble, is was my younger brother who had to cause problems

The other day, he landed to our house at half four in the morning, waking us all up looking to be let in, banging the door an roaring ‘mum’ outside, I would have ignored him, but no, he was let in, he was falling on the stairs an falling into my mums bedroom tv, when asked why he came at that time, ‘because I love you’ is all I heard, my step-dad had to get up in another two hours for work, the lack of respect just makes me angry

Later he was phoning mum, saying he was suicidal, and was going to cut himself, supposedly he had a knife to his throat, an is now left with a slight mark, but I know it was more for attention, he can’t handle alcohol, an god knows what else he was on

He abuses the medication he gets, that being diazepam an tablets for nerve damage, opening the caps an sniffing whatever is inside, at times he walks around like a zombie, slurring his words, lately my aunt has started taking his medication an hiding it, only giving him what he’s allowed

Its the stress they cause our mum, our aunt, all of us really, they can’t see beyond themselves, an how they feel, I wish they could see it from the other side

They bring trouble on themselves and us, only friday night, my aunt had a bottle thrown at her living room window, luckily it didn’t break, the police didn’t do a thing, they said as it had been raining, they couldn’t take the bottle as evidence

We can’t change other people, or help them for that matter, if they don’t want to, if they are happy with their lives, an don’t want to listen, there’s not much you can do, both my brothers have a problem, any excuse an they drink, ‘being young’ as my younger brother says, isn’t a good enough one, we have to put up with it, we are the ones who suffer

Something Thats Just Mine

I think about my past, and I think about the present, and all the in between, an I realise I’ve never had a moment where I’ve been truly happy, I’ve come really close a few times, but nothing that lasted, I’ve had some amazing experiences yet I still feel unfulfilled, there’s defiantly a void there

I realise that I hold on tight to the good times, the memory, maybe trying to recreate past moments that may turn out similar, but will never be the same, I need to realise that things that happened in the past, are exactly that, the past, I can create new moments, new memories, moving on is hard, but that’s what I need to do, I need to let go

Lately, I’m still feeling ok I guess, I’m hanging in there, I am feeling a lot of different emotions though, mainly a sadness that shadows me, I think it stems from over thinking, about others being able to pick up and move on easier than I can, I feel like the one left behind, i just don’t feel like luck is on my side, like I’m cursed, I’m also dreaming about my past a lot, but with everything going on with me, I’d say that’s to be expected

I’m coming closer to a decision about the money I’ve been awarded, if I have to sign off of benefits (ESA) to truly enjoy it, then that’s the risk I have to take, I’ve never had anything that’s been just mine, my childhood was taken from me, an I’ve spent ten years fighting this case, I’ve earned this moment, a moment I probably won’t ever have again

Even though I have this money, i think I’m still entitled to disability allowance, as it isn’t means tested, that means you can work while receiving it, you can have savings an assets, this has helped me come to a decision a little easier, I never wanted to have to decide between the two, it’d be like a fish jumping from one net, only to land in another

As I won my case, all the money I’ve ever received from disability has been paid back, that makes me feel good, but I’m scared, its a big decision, for me at least, and with the money comes my family, we both know what I mean by now

Speaking of family, what would my life be without some of their drama yet again, I hope I make sense explaining this mess

My brothers were drinking a few days ago, by now that should be no surprise to you, I don’t join in anymore, I used to, as an escape from my life, if only for a little while, but I realised, that wasn’t something I wanted in my life anymore, that things are messed up enough for me without going out and seeking more than what I can handle

My older brothers girlfriend as you know had their baby, and had to move back home with her parents, I’ve explained all that before, anyway she gets two nights a week to do her own thing while her mum watches the baby for her, she and her parents from what I’ve heard don’t get on anymore

She came to visit my brother, and of course she was drinking also, she has to be home for eleven, when she did get back home, her dad started to film her on his phone, the state she was in etc, an was threatening to show it to social services, they had a fight, she left and came back to my brother

My younger brother, had brought over a girl he met on the internet, this was their first time meeting, remember he did the same thing on christmas day with another girl, the girls he meets are always a little nutty, from what I was told she’s only twenty three, an she’s already had two kids that are no longer with her, an she lives in a hostel, so you can tell she’s not all there, this girl ended up staying with him for another three days

Saying that, my brother has already moved on to the next girl, does that sound normal to you

As you also know both my brothers live with my aunt, its her I feel sorry for, having to put up with all this

Anyway, later my brothers the girlfriend, and the internet girl decided to go to a party out of town, but my brothers girlfriend being drunk was speeding, coming to a round-about, the breaks didn’t work and the car hit one of those little islands in the middle of the road, started spinning in circles, hit the round-about, and the axle broke

Being drunk, my older brother and his girlfriend left the car an threw away the keys, which doesn’t make sense, but then again they were drunk, so when the police came to the car, they found my younger brother and the internet girl sitting listening to music, crazy

I think the story the police got was that, my brothers girlfriend went to find help, since then her insurance has paid for the car being toed, and paid her a thousand pound, most importantly, no one was hurt, so I guess it all worked out, luckily!

I don’t condone any of it, I’m just glad I wasn’t there, or in any way involved

A Run Of Bad Luck

Its a shame, in life when things finally seem to be going your way, then little things begin to creep in to bring you down again, most people would chalk these little things up to, ‘that’s life’ me, I call it a run of bad luck, i find myself saying lately, ‘give me a break!

So I’m finally over my flu, though I’m still stuck with the cough, which is really annoying, I sound like an old 40 a day smoker, I was eating a sweet the other day an I broke a tooth, the dentist, of course can’t see me for a week, then I was only moving my step dads coat out of the way, an there just happened to be a wasp in the neck line, an I got stung, nothing serious maybe, but its relentless

On a more serious note, the money I was awarded on my claim, I’ve found out i can’t touch, so I’m left confused as what to do now

As I’m on benefits, the money has to go into a trust fund, I have to see a man next week who will explain everything to me, but from what I understand, it goes into a trust, so I don’t lose my benefit, which then means I will have to request money from the trustees, who will decide whether what I want is necessary in regards to my illness, and only then will that amount be released to me

Again I won’t know everything until I see this man, but I think I read that if I appoint a trustee, say my mum, an give her full control over the account, she would be spending the money on my behalf, an so the money is overlooked by the government, its something I’m clinging to

I feel so much pressure, I promised my family money, but giving lump sums away is seen as fraud, as it appears you’re trying to get rid of the money, so I won’t be able to do that now, I’m sure they won’t be too happy about it, the other choice is to sign off benefits, and then I get the money free an clear, this is where it gets complicated for me, an i will have to explain how I feel without sounding bad

Benefits have always been a safety net for me, knowing I’m taken care of, while getting better, or well enough at least to someday hopefully rejoin the real world again, some people might think its easy to claim benefit, maybe for some it is, but for me, the medical appointments, and the constant proving to these people over an over again that you’re let’s say ill enough, takes its toll, I only just got my disability allowance awarded again in may, the anxiety an panic it caused me waiting for their decision was horrible

So this is where I may come off as wrong, I won the money for years of childhood neglect and abuse, the claim case alone took ten years to win, to sign off benefits would mean that my awarded money would be my sole income, for me, having to live on the money kind of defeats its purpose, an would just complicate my life even more in the long run, don’t I deserve to enjoy it, for what I went through? because I’m ill, its like I’m being punished

When the money is gone, I’d have to somehow prove that its been spent, and then go through the process all over again, proving myself to get my benefits back, I know you have to wait at least six months before claiming again, that’s if I’m even allowed to, so now I’m stuck with maybe either being told how and when I can spend the money, or having the money and living off it, am I wrong for thinking this way? The whole thing feels wrong to me

I feel like I’ve been strung along by my solicitor, who never told me about any of this, I had to look it up myself online, I feel like I’ve been used, like I’ve been nothing but a meal ticket, I feel like I’ve been digging myself a hole for the last ten years

In ten years I was never really asked how I was in regards to my illness, when I couldn’t make appointments as I wasn’t feeling well, I had to deal with my solicitors secretaries passive aggressive forms of blackmail, telling me things like, if I was seen as not taking the case seriously, the case could be thrown out

For some it might seem like an easy choice, but it isn’t, for me, its my life

If anyone reading this has advice, or knows anything about this, or legal matters, I’d love to hear from you…

When Will It Be My Turn

Its been hard for me the last few days, I caught the flu, i feel awful, an I’ve been stuck in the house for over three days, I know its only the flu, but I’m tired, an every time I try to do something, I get hot and drained very quick, its not nice having no energy

Then there’s the annoying stuff, sore muscles, runny stuffed nose, endless coughing, I’m half deaf an my ears won’t pop, I purposely don’t use ‘lol’ on my blog, but insert it where you feel it should be

Its been four days, an not one person has asked how I’m feeling, or even offered to buy me something as stupid as a lucazade, in my misery these things have been playing more on my mind, it didn’t help that everyone else was out having fun, while I was home alone

Though I’m not really the type to covet attention anymore, when I was younger perhaps, but misery loves company right??

So I told my mum today, albeit in a passive aggressive way ‘I’m feeling much better today, even though no one bothered to ask’ she just replied that so much has been going on lately

By that she means my brothers, who of course were drinking again yesterday, an its exactly what I was thinking before all this, that I’m always in their shadow, its always about the next thing they have done, what trouble they’ve now found themselves in etc

A few days ago, I told my mum that I was planning to move out soon, to cut a long story short for new readers, I grew up in foster-care, and only moved home at seventeen, so I’ve been making up for lost time, but now at twenty eight, I feel its time for me to go, it feels like I already live here alone as it is, to me, there’s my mum an step-dad, an then there’s me

Mum said that she’s not ready for me to leave yet, that she likes having me at home, an I can stay as long as I like, which is nice, but I can’t help feel its for selfish reasons, one being that she’d be alone all day with my step-dad being at work, I feel like a fixture here, I’m miserable, and to avoid fights, I say nothing

Mum an I are quite close, closer than anyone else in our immediate family, and we have only had one fight in eleven years, an that was for something stupid while we were drunk one christmas, for the record, she started it

I’m happy though, because in a rare occurrence, I know this all comes from real life situations, and not from my illness, for example, depression making it worse, so I’m trying to stay positive, this flu will pass, focus on me, stick to the plans I’ve made, straight road ahead, keep going, there’s crumbling at the edges, but its under control

A Little Taste Of Happiness

I haven’t posted in a while, my phone broke an I had to order a replacement, having a laptop is just not for me, I’ve never liked the internet on a large scale for some reason, in the mean-time, I’ve been in a mini whirlwind of sorts, but more on that to come

Lately, i’ve started going out more often, which as you know is hard for me, over the weekend I went to a BBQ, surrounded by strangers, but I handled it ok, I’ve been making more of an effort also, doing my hair, an losing the comfort blanket that was my hat, no more hiding! I’m dressing better to, I’ve been on a diet, and already I’ve lost a stone, I’m renewing my passport, I haven’t been on a holiday for ten years! But talking about it, and actually doing it are two different things, I start taking my driving lessons very soon, plus I’m getting back into singing lessons again, I used to enjoy those, they helped my confidence a little, its small steps, but the main thing is, I’m trying

I also had the best news of my life a few days ago, remember I had a pending court case, its taken over ten years! But its finally over, it was settled out of court, and I won! when my solicitor told me, I almost cried, I was so overwhelmed, I can’t go into too much detail, as I signed papers to swear I wouldn’t talk about it, even though I’m anonymous on here, I can’t take that chance, in the end, its not about the money, its the win

On top of that, any and all benefits I’ve ever received will also be paid back to the government, that makes me even happier

I told my mum and step-dad first, Who were so happy for me, I put off telling my brothers for a little while, because I know how they are, and I was right, the self entitlement, asking how much they were getting, telling me how to spend it etc, I suddenly felt dread, at a time when I was meant to be happy, I felt deflated and drained

I started having visions of them rubbing their hands together, an them asking me for money all the time, which they already do, my aunt included, and that’s with them all getting more money than me a week, I felt the slight resentment and jealousy toward me, the fakeness in the smiles, I felt awkward, and I haven’t felt right about it since, money is the route of all evil after all

A few years ago, I got a little money, just over two thousand, and that caused fights back then, from what I remember, it was because my older brother didn’t get everything he wanted, again the self entitlement and jealousy, and the fact I spent more on a close friend than on my family, my older brother an I didn’t speak for months after that, I guess that’s why I feel so much pressure this time

Back then I was only about nineteen, an I wasted the money an regretted it, but I was young, now at twenty eight, I feel like I’m more responsible, and will put this money to better use, its more money than I’ve ever had, and ever will

I sometimes wonder how a normal family would have taken the news, and wonder will my brothers ever change, I don’t want to constantly be surrounded by this life of chaos, I’ve had it my whole life, i live it everyday

Just yesterday, they both went drinking, again, and ended up out of town at some mans house, a man my younger brother was in prison with, they all got into a fight, an now my older brother has a broken nose, and my younger brother has a fractured eye socket, its completely crazy, I just want a normal life, is that too much to ask for?

People/strangers, that get to know me, almost always say how different I am compared to my brothers, its like we aren’t even related, because I’m so set apart from them, quieter maybe, though I’m always told how nice I am, an that I’m so polite, which I like because I try to be, they are so similar, like twins almost, I don’t know why I’m so different, middle child perhaps….

Its my younger brothers birthday next week, and he’s already planned a night out, an is taking a group of people to a club, drinking naturally, of course I’m invited, and I know all the people who are going, but I also know what a night out with them all is like, fun perhaps, but there are way too many down sides, I don’t like things getting too out of control around me, and feeling unsafe, its too unpredictable

Though there is another side to me, which I’ve posted about, you may know him as tylar, its not a split personality, but its like I become a completely different person, tylar is more a name I’ve given to a set of traits that aren’t in my personality, that don’t feel natural I guess, Its when i feel the cross over between the two, its a part of me I don’t like, because its so uncontrollable, its the crazy dark side of me, I don’t know how its separate from me, but it is, or feels that way, its like allowing a stranger to borrow your body

I don’t know how the coming days will play out, but for now I plan to make big changes for myself, I want out, out of this bubble I’m surrounded by, I can’t run from myself though, but only by making changes in my own life will anything be possible

since writing this, I’ve seen how bad my brothers faces look, imagine a boxers face, who was badly beaten, so his birthday is cancelled for now, more drama! You should know that by now, never a dull moment!

Not Too Far To Fall

Just because I don’t want to live, does mean I don’t want a good life, I don’t want to sit around an wait to die funny the things you randomly ponder

i’m trying hard to keep my mind under control, with all these silly thoughts, and the frustration that builds up over things that aren’t that important, and also trying to ignore the temptation I’m having lately to drink

As I sit here typing this, I feel like such a mess, an I realise how far I’ve fallen, and how fast, even though I didn’t have far to go, I set the scene as a crazy cat lady, or in my case a cat man?? my hair is uncut and greasy, I’m still in my slob like bed clothes, the battery in my razor ran out last night, half way through shaving, and I sit here with a half shaved face with no attempt to fix it, my diet has imploded on itself, I’m now two stone heavier and don’t have the will power to change that fact

Where is the drive, and the motivation, as bad as I’ve been in the past, I always cared for myself appearance wise, the outside always a mask for what I was really feeling, it was an illusion, I think perhaps as I’ve gotten older, now 28, I’ve learned that I can’t change how I feel by dressing nice and doing my hair etc, also i’m not the same person I was 4-5 years ago, I’m not as insecure, an that stuff seems less important now

Most of my nice clothes don’t fit anymore anyway, I haven’t bought anything new in quite a while, because I tell myself there’s no point buying slightly bigger clothes, one because I will lose the weight eventually, and two because buying them would be like excepting it, we lie to ourselves

I’m 6ft 2, so I carry extra weight well, but its hard for me now, with the extra weight I’m more sluggish, I get tired easier, the quetiapine doesn’t help matters either, or the fact I barely go out anymore, and haven’t left the house in about 8 months now, when I don’t get a taxi and make myself walk, the muscles tighten up so much in my calfs that I’m almost crippled, the same walk I’d done for years

Its going to be a long road back to where I first let things slip, but I’m ready to look in the mirror, and see ‘me’ again

On a slightly happier note, my younger brother, who as you know is in prison, gets a three day release on tuesday, and then is free a couple of weeks later, though that doesn’t come without drama, as he’s already said he can’t promise he won’t drink, never mind he recently found out he has hepatitis C, which I believe is a result of him either having liver damage, or from a guy injecting him with a dirty needle one drunken night, luckily he’s treatable, but it didn’t seem to wake him up to anything

Also I got a little good news, my disability living allowance was awarded again for another two years, so that takes a little stress away

As bad as I’ve been, looking to the future, I have a lot of insight, an I always hold out on hope, there’s always a strength in me, no matter how small its voice, I believe in living and learning, especially from mistakes

Everything we do, and will do in life changes us as people forever, sometimes for better or worse, its a constant battle, its a journey that hasn’t been fully written yet, its never over until the end, we never lose until we’ve lost

Beaten But Not Defeated

I had an appointment with my mental health team again today, or something that resembled that, as it was agnes again, the women who’s job a monkey could do, which sounds cruel I know, but she studied for what three to five years to be a counsellor, yet displays no professional skill, its like talking to one of my mums friends, or some women who just walked in off the street

To be honest I was in a mood, she started off by saying ‘what a lovely day, good day to get some washing out, do you ever hang out washing’ I didn’t reply, so she asked again, I told her that my mum does it for me ‘oh you’re spoiled’ she said, I told her it wouldn’t be done otherwise, I am independent, but the motivation isn’t there

We had a nonsense chat at first, where I said that it was quite early to start your day with this kind of thing, she said that it was nine o’clock, in a way as if I thought nine was the crack of dawn, how other patients of hers can do it, an how they even travel in from other towns some even getting two buses to get there

To which I had to explain myself, which I hate to do, again I told her that I meant having to sit there at that time, starting the day with talking about what I’m going through, and also that the time wasn’t good for me, that it was hard for me getting there because the town was busy with people going to school and work etc

She started telling me to get out more, that it would help me be more confident, how it had worked for her other patients, I’m sick of hearing that! I told her that if everyone were the same, one treatment would work for everyone, an that I wish she had social phobia so she knew how it felt, she said I don’t know how you feel, which I guess I respected, although stating the obvious

I said that its easy to say, here’s A and here’s B, and this is what you have to do to get from A to B, I told her I didn’t suddenly wake up a week ago with a mental illness, that I’d been getting help for over fourteen years, and that I’m pretty clued in to what’s going on

She asked how I was feeling since the last time we met, an had I thought anymore on joining the day centre for people like me or anything, I thought to myself, what I wrote in my last blog about her, are all the things I wish I had of said, so this time I would

I told her no, that I was in a different state of mind when I had mentioned those things in the past, an didn’t she think maybe I just wanted to talk

I told her I was in a much darker place right now, how I had used my anger as a way to turn off my emotions, she said we all need to have emotions as people, instead of rolling my eyes, I looked at her wide eyed an raised my eyebrows an said hmmm, it said ok, moving on

I told her everything in my life had built up till now where it felt like a contained explosion, how I was finding it hard to cope, and didn’t feel like I wanted to be part of the outside world right now, how out of curiosity I had joined a suicide site of sorts, people leave letters of goodbye, and share ideas on how to die, that sometimes life is a greater death sentence, though true, it is dark, even for me, though if I’m being honest, I only told her as a cry for help, my inner more desperate voice

I told her I know I’m not split personality, but sometimes a part of me takes over, a part of me that I can’t control, an in those moments, I don’t even know what I’m capable off, that I wouldn’t necessarily hurt myself, but that other side of me would, but again I’m aware of what I’m doing, I just can’t control it, an that its hard to deal with everything that goes on inside my head

I told her I used to be different, from how I am now, but lately I’ve changed, I don’t smile as much, laugh as often, that something had snapped inside me, and I no longer care about anything

We talked about my medication again, if you remember she had my depression meds taken from me, as I had admitted to storing them up to abuse later, I told her I’d stopped taking them because I’d forgotten what I was like before, before the tablets started to control me with all the brain chemicals they mess with, that the person she saw today was me

I fought her every step of the way, because I was a little pissed off, a little resentful, and to be honest, it made me feel good to wipe the fake smile off her face, I know she’s not going to be the one to help me, I knew it before I went today, but you can’t complain about being ill if you’re not willing to do something about it, which is why I forced myself to go

She asked what help I I thought they could give me, an also offered to do risk assessment, I told her I’d like to see a real psychiatrist, someone with power to change things, in case one day I was in danger and became afraid, someone I could call in crisis, I think she got cross, an that annoyed her, she then reminded me that I said I didn’t want help, that it would be her that I’d call, not a psychiatrist, that I’d already seen a psychiatrist before, to which I reminded her I stopped by choice, I know those were her little slaps at me

She mentioned she had read my notes from over the years, so I asked what did she think was wrong, or what were others saying, she said I more or less always say the same things, and that I’m always negative, and I have a tendency to over think things, which is true to an extent

I do feel like a broken record sometimes, but if I see someone new every time I go back to the mental health team, I feel I have to start from scratch, and also my illness hasn’t changed over the years, it only fluctuates, sometimes overwhelmingly so

I felt quite good when I was on a roll, assertive and speaking my mind, until that very thing gave up on me, suddenly my mind went blank, I couldn’t remember my train of thought or what I’d been saying, I froze and just stopped then

By the end of the session, i knew the truth about how I really felt, so I was honest, I said that I didn’t think the mental health team could really help me right now, because of the state of mind I’m currently in, I’d only fight against them, like a tug of war for example, which wouldn’t be helpful to either of us, she said that it was up to me, that she can’t force anything on me, that she’ll make another appointment for two weeks time, and if I don’t show up, she’ll assume I no longer want to see her/the team

Through the whole appointment, she never took notes or wrote anything down, so I came away thinking, I sit in a room, talking for thirty minutes to an hour, and its not recorded, what if my medication needs changed or something for example

I was very emotionless, dead eyed and dry, something just came over me, that other side I talked about, fuelled by negative emotion, its hard to snap out off, but me venting at her, is like someone cutting themselves, it let’s out the hurt, a little at least, she wanted me to be more confident, so that’s the side she got today

By the end I could barely stand to even look at her anymore, I think the feeling was mutual, so I don’t know what to do, there isn’t much else on offer right now