A Thank You Note: Words From The Heart

Gratitude is when memory is stored in the heart, and not in the mind

Its almost been a year since I wrote my first thank you post, an I couldn’t be more grateful for the support I receive in writing this blog, it invites people into your life who understand, an support you, who feel your pain, but also will you on in happiness, because they’ve walked a similar path in life

We all have our ups an downs, our good days an our bad, its about having the strength to go on, taking small steps that lead to a bigger journey, learning a little more about ourselves along the way

I’ve learned a lot about myself already, yet I have a lot more to learn, we never truly stop learning new things about ourselves, its about being content with what we find when we look deeper that matters, an realising that there is a lot more to us than the hardships that come with the psychiatric labels we’ve been given

As I said in my last thank you note;

There’s nothing worse than struggling through in life an feeling so apart from the rest of the world, not knowing where to turn, or where we fit in

But…
As long as we know that there are people out there who aren’t so different than us, an who know what its like to go through the same struggles in life, it let’s us know that we aren’t so different after all, that we aren’t alone in all this, an it gives us a little hope

Thank you for following me on my journey, of not recovery, but more self discovery, i wish only for you, what I wish for myself

Everyone who follows my blog, gets followed back, because I like to be part of other life journeys besides my own, an because it means we are in this together

May you follow your dreams, an always believe in yourself, keep your eyes on the stars, an hope in your heart

Caught In The Middle

There is a lot of tension in the air at the moment an everyone around me seems like they are on the verge of snapping at any moment

I’m finding it hard to live any kind of normal life at the moment, though my life has never been normal, there are periods where I feel ‘ok’

As you know my cousin has made false statements against members of my family, I talked about it in my last post, anyway.. now there will be a court case on the 20th of june, where I will be asked to be a witness, which isn’t helping my anxiety either

I can feel everyones stress, an its like a headache before a thunder storm

My step dad has been weird for some time, I think its cause he’s taken on extra work, which makes him more money but then my mum gambles it, his moods can be scary, because he won’t say anything, he goes silent, he’ll speed up the car, an he won’t break properly at speed bumps, all the while saying nothing or only giving mumbled responses, then he’ll slam the car doors

He started driving off one night in a mood an I only had one foot in the car, he later apologised saying he didn’t know, I think he finds it hard to say no to mum so his frustrations come out in the only way he knows to deal with it

My mum has been dealing with depression an anxiety for a few years now, this case against her is starting to take its toll an I can tell, I worry about her, all she does all day is clean, sleep, gamble an then binges on sweets an crisps before bed

My mum gambles everyday if she can, for a while I was giving her money, but at a point I had to start asking for it back, she owes me hundreds, but that doesn’t stop her from asking, I’ve told her countless times how it stresses me with people always asking me for money, but she still keeps asking, she promised to stop asking but hasn’t, when I say no, she promises to pay me out of her weekly money (whereas now I keep the rent I would pay her as a way to get it back) but then I feel bad because it puts more strain on my step dads money, the guilt sets in an I end up working some other way to get the money instead

For a while she would use my illness against me, if her money ran out quite quick, she knew I wouldn’t want to go home so soon after only getting to the casino, so she would say she was going to ring my step dad to take her home, resulting in either us both leaving as I didn’t like to be alone an walk home by myself, or that I would lend her money so she would stay with me

Now that doesn’t happen as I’ve gotten more control over my social phobia

I don’t even like the casino, but there’s not many places I can go where I feel comfortable, in the evenings our town has nothing, when my anxiety would play up, it was a distraction, when I went to the casino I didn’t feel ill, though I have had panic attacks there an have had to lock myself in the bathroom

I think my mum uses it for the same reasons, that an she’s stuck inside all day, but now its become an addiction

She says she’s crying a lot an she snaps a lot more than she used to, I think due to frustration an anger, she’s now made an emergency appointment to see her psychiatrist because she’s finding it hard to cope

My aunt, its hard to say, because she doesn’t have the capacity to really think that deep, you can’t hold a conversation with her, she’s only waiting to you finish so she can say what’s on her mind, I’ve tried to tell her things in the past, where she’s more interested in showing you a new duvet cover she bought, that’s just how she is, she is a kind person an would do anything for you though if she can

My older brother is living with his girlfriend out of town, an though he has cut down, he drinks, an she, the girlfriend is addicted to painkillers

As you know my younger brother is in prison, an then there’s me trapped in the middle, I’m not trying to make it all about me because we all have our problems in life

My brothers in prison, an my family are making him out the victim, but he did get drunk, attack our next door neighbour, an threatened my uncles family an punched my cousin on the chin, he was only out of prison one day an has a new baby at home, I feel for him, but he did this to himself

Sometimes I feel like I’m suffocating

Life Through My Window

So I haven’t posted in a while… To be honest I’ve gotten lazy, an a post can be done from bed, so what does that tell you!

I never know where to begin with these things, I usually ramble my way though an hope it turns out ok, so why change that now right

As I said above, I’ve gotten lazy, an with that comes being unhealthy, I’m smoking like a train, my diet is a disgrace, I’ve gained weight, my doctors advice, try an do some exercise over the summer, thanks for those pearls of wisdom, I know they can’t wave a magic wand an make everything better, but this is the same man who told me to go home an eat cake the last time I asked for help

He also pointed out that I am 30 now, so ok, it was fine when I was 29 about 5 months before, but now I’m 30, its somehow worse? Where do they find these people

I’m not happy, I’m not in a good place an I know that, I have no energy or motivation for life, there’s no excitement, nothing to live for, an I don’t mean that in a suicidal way

I’ve gotten so much better with my social phobia though, I’ve been trying graded exposure which seems to be helping, I’m not afraid to leave the house anymore, I’m self conscious but I push on, I go into town alone almost everyday, just to a local shop an then home, I’ve been going to cafes an restaurants for meals, I’ve been to the circus, I went to a bar with a friend an had a few drinks, I’m really trying, I spent so long being a prisoner in my own home, watching others live there lives from a window, I couldn’t take it anymore

Its hard sometimes, because no one ever seems to want to go anywhere or do anything, an I don’t know that many people, right now I’m at home an my mum an step dad are asleep in the living room, maybe I left it too late, everyone’s been there an done that, an I’m only just beginning to get there, I’ve held myself back a lot through fear, but I feel like its my time to finally live, I’ve wasted too much time already

I’m not going to pretend its been easy, because it hasn’t been, an I still find it hard, people might not understand unless they’ve been there, but getting up everyday, getting washed, doing your hair, forcing yourself to look at your reflection in the mirror when you see everything you hate, an then having to present that person to the world while anxious an scared, its a struggle, but one I’m fighting

Saying that, lately you never know what you’re going to get with me, my moods shift an swing so many times in a day, this is usually a problem for teenagers, but mental illness and depression especially for me create a mind field form of life, one minute I’m angry, then i could be laughing the next I’m crying

I stopped taking my anti psychotic medication a few months ago, so perhaps that’s why I’ve been feeling less in control, but I’d rather that, I’d rather feel something than be drugged to feel another way

I’m holding a lot of stress, I’m still jumping out of my sleep gasping for air, an my somatic disorder is causing havoc with my body, how have I stayed this sane? I think its denial, how did I make it through 2015… I never could have a few years ago, so I’ve come a long way

Anyway, enough about me, its family drama time again, I know you all love this part, I’m not a good writer so bare with me…

So, as you know my younger brother was in jail, for 10 weeks, he was released on a friday about two weeks ago, instead of going home to his girlfriend an new baby, he went to a bar an got drunk instead

Come the saturday, he’s drinking again, he an his girlfriend fall out so he lands to our house in a taxi, drunk, its the first time I’ve seen him in weeks as I can’t deal with the jail process you go through

He eventually leaves, we later hear he’s been arrested, turns out he landed to our uncles house, when they tried to get him to leave, he turned violent an started to threaten everyone, my uncle, his wife, the wifes mum an our cousin, he pee’d all over their doorstep an finally punched our cousin on the chin, we also heard he made another stop at a well known house of a drinker, an hit him on the head with a tin of beer, so he’s back in prison

Our cousin, has since filed for a claim, saying that as a result of the punch, her jaw is out of line, I’m not sticking up for my brother, but it took her 4 days to go to the doctors, I’ve seen her several times, an her jaw is fine, she says she can’t eat solids, but has been eating crisps an pizza etc, she claimed she couldn’t work but has been working everyday

A couple of days later, my mum wanted answers so she phoned my uncle, she tried to explain that my uncle should have phoned her, an she would have come straight up an removed my brother, I can’t hold it against my cousin, but mum felt hurt in some way because they involved the police

My uncles wife was in the back ground, an could be heard being quite abusive, which then started an argument between her an my mum on the phone

When my mother an I, my uncle an the cousin met in person, funnily at the casino of all places, (they are addicted to gambling) again arguing started, there were a lot of hurtful things said, but it never got physical

My cousin then went to the police an her solicitor an got an order against my mum, aunt and older brother, to stay away from her, we got a copy of the report an the lies she told were unbelievable

She said our family were stalking her, an hanging around her home, that my mum an aunt approached her in town while she was working, an were abusive an threatening, that on the night of the argument, my mum grabbed her arm, preventing her from leaving an threatened to slice her, an that my mum threatened to involve my older brother to ‘sort her out’

She says she’s been left disturbed an afraid for her life, but the thing is, its all lies, none of that happened

So now if my mum sees her in town, she has to turn an go another way, she can’t even say hello or she.. I’m pretty sure gets arrested, that’s how bad it is

She told the same lies to her doctor, as that report was also included in the one we got, she has an admitted addiction to diazepam, which she got as a result of her false statements, but the worst part is, my mother is also a patient at the same doctors surgery

I met her an my uncle one night not long ago, as I haven’t been mentioned in the reports an have nothing to do with any of it, I can approach her, an we get on very well, I calmly told her about the statements we read, and how they are false, an how she knew they were

She blamed her solicitor for the errors saying he rushed the order, an that’s how mistakes were made in her statement, an how one thing meant another an a whole load of nonsense, she failed to mention my name, even though I was present on two of the occasions she claiming, it was caught on cctv, and witnessed by a member of staff

I wrote a statement for my mother, an now I have to be a witness in a court case that will come at some stage, as my cousin is trying to make the order more permanent, my uncle heard my cousin admit everything, though he probably already knew it to be lies, but he is a christian an a pastor, so I wonder how he’ll avoid the truth if he’s sworn in, in court, probably pray for forgiveness afterwards, that’s how a lot of christians live with guilt, just my opinion

I just can’t believe that my cousin can make up as many lies as she wants, an it goes to court without my mum etc being about to tell their side, in court is when she’ll have to defend herself, how is that fair? But I guess that’s the law

My mum, aunt an older brother had to see the solicitor yesterday, but of course my older brother had been drinking, an made a fool of himself

He also had a brain scan as he had a seizure a few weeks ago, but we know its cause he’s taking tablets that are meant to be for people with nerve damage, he was that drunk they didn’t let him go ahead with it…

Would I know what a normal life is if I ever had one… This is my normal I guess

Party Pooper

It was my birthday yesterday, it was my 30th… An I have to say, it was probably the worst birthday I’ve ever had, it wasn’t anyone’s fault really, as the time ticked on, things just fell apart, and I ended up pretty much doing nothing

For weeks I couldn’t make up my mind about what to do, so when yesterday came, there wasn’t a plan, though I had many ideas

My older brothers, new girlfriends mum made me a birthday cake which was really nice of her, as I haven’t even met her yet, mum my step dad an I had a nice birthday lunch, an then I went and lifted some of my claim money because everyone else had destroyed theirs

No one had kept any money, my younger brother as you know is now in prison, my older brother hadn’t even bought me a present, I ended up having to lend him money the day before

My older brother wanted to have a drink, I wanted to go to a bar an have fun, social phobia isn’t a problem after a few drinks, I didn’t want to sit at home an drink, I’ve done that in the past an it was fun, but this time, it sounded sad, maybe because this wasn’t just any birthday

I was willing to pay for us to all go bowling or something, just have a laugh an I thought it would help me get to know my brothers girlfriend, who I had only met the day before

I tried phoning my aunt, to get her to organise it, but she didn’t answer her phone, by now it was about half six, my mum had went out to visit my aunt, an do a message for her or something, my step dad was out walking the dog an he’s gone for over an hour, an so I was left sitting home alone

When can we be slightly immature, if not on our birthdays, I like to recapture the past a little, be silly an not act like a grown up for a day, forget life and the outside world, take the seriousness out of life until tomorrow when everything becomes real again

I am a 30 year old man now, an I know that, but these are the times when a family should come together, to me, I only moved home at 17, I didn’t have what most kids did, I celebrated my birthdays with foster families, not my real family, is it wrong to still want to make up for lost time, even though I’m not a child anymore, maybe its time to let go of that part of me, I guess i shouldn’t be trying to live my birthdays like I’m a teenager anymore, nut sometimes its easy to forget

A part of me was angry, that so little thought had went into it, from everyone else, we are a close family, there only is the six of us, the rest of the family don’t bother with us an we’ve never been close

Yeah I got presents, an mum put up balloons an streamers, but that all felt like it was only for show, like doing something because that’s what you think you should do, there was no love behind any of it, time and love is more important to me than any gift money can buy

I had two voice in my head, the one that wanted to at least do something to salvage the day and have fun, and the other who was angry, this is my birthday, and I’m the one paying to have it, in the end the stubborn angry voice won, so I thought F… It, I might as well do something

I ended up just going to the casino, where I lost quite a bit, when people wished me happy birthday, I thought, what’s happy about it, I felt pretty pathetic sitting in a casino alone on my 30th

Mum figured out where I was an joined me for a while, it was better than being alone, but I was just really disappointed, more with myself than anything, so I barely spoke, regret is a horrible thing, and I have many

Birthdays for me are special, I don’t know why, maybe growing up in foster care, it was the one thing that couldn’t be taken away from me, my birthday

My last special birthday was of course 21, but I was really ill back then, that was back when I didn’t like people looking at me in natural light, an would put covers over the curtains to block out any light getting into my room, I’d just have lamps on an always looking at my face in a mirror, its not as bad as it sounds, but it was a hard time for me, I think it was a form of body dysmorphia

My mum came into my room that night with a big bun with 21 on it, an a candle, I nearly cried because I felt so weak an pathetic in that moment, I was so afraid to live my life that I didn’t

I guess boring means no drama right? Its memorable, for the wrong reasons, but sometimes that’s what we need in life to motivate us, like how I spent so many new years alone, until I vowed never to again… Barring this year of course…

Well, there’s always next year… Or when I’m 40!

Cat-fished The Rant!

So as the title says, this is a rant, so I’ll understand if you have better things to do than read this, its more for me than you, but…

There was this little black kitten in our estate, an it was crying for days, sometimes it would try an follow us home on the way back from town

Every time we got further away from it, it would cry louder, I’m an animal lover an always have been, so the cries pulled at my heart, I knew it was homeless because it was so thin

I could hear it crying all night from my room, an I slowly felt more an more guilty, thinking what can I do, we have a dog that lives in the house, an I already have a cat, who also lives inside, so I knew we couldn’t take it in, if you leave the kitten at all, it cries, an I mean cries, louder than any baby you’ve ever heard, us having the dog, an my cat, who are kept separate anyway, an my mum an step dad not too keen on the idea etc I thought about all that

When I was younger, and was living with a foster parent, cats would somehow always come into the back garden, I don’t know if people owned them or not, but I’d pet them forever, an then they’d never leave, the foster mum still fed them everyday though, even though they weren’t our pets, they all lived in a dog house that the dog never used, I was like some kind of, albeit innocently speaking cat burglar, literally

Anyway of topic, so I planned to take the kitten to the vet, because they wouldn’t turn away a helpless little kitten

I’d already asked this girl who lives near me for help, as she had re-homed a stray dog before, but she said her life was too crazy for a kitten right now, even though I wasn’t asking her to keep it, but anyway…

The night before I was gonna go to the vets, I got speaking to a woman we have kind of known for a long time, I had a run in with her years ago, when she owned a charity shop, long story short, I bought a dvd player, an was told by her son that if it didn’t work, I could bring it back an get a refund, when I did I was refused an had to settle for a credit note

But in the meantime she said her son had already phoned her, an explained about the whole giving me a refund, ok I’m sure he did, then before we could use the credit note, which by then I had given to my aunt, she barred us all from the store, for nothing, she’s a con artist, an I know she was robbing the place blind, no wonder she went out of business

Funny how she always seemed to have a bag full of two pound coins when she went to the casino, and after the shop closed down, she didn’t, she’s a thief, but we are civil anyway, an it was about the kitten, not me

She said her daughter lives on a farm, so if I brought the kitten to her, it would have a home, I thought great

The next evening, I got the kitten, it was crying in the doorway of a neighbours house, wouldn’t have killed someone to give it something, if I could hear it, they all could

I fed it an then took the kitten in a taxi to the womans house, she wasn’t there, but her son was an, let’s just say he was an ignorant.. So an so, avoiding certain words, of course he didn’t want to take it, until I got him to get his mum on the phone, I handed over the cat, an I felt good

About two days later, I see the woman again, an I ask how’s the kitten, turns out the son left a window open an it got out, so I think hmmm its winter an your son left a window open, ok, he smokes so I guess that could be true

She says someone she knows saw the cat hanging around the leisure centre which is only around the corner from her house, an that she’d go look for it the next day

I see her again, these run ins are at a small casino in town, where she is most days, my town has nothing, literally, so when I’m bored I do go in for a gamble, its a bad habit an I’ll deal with that at some point

So I ask her did she look for the kitten, she went silent, probably thinking up a lie, an she finally says to be honest I didn’t, not before saying the cat probably had aids, an that’s why its so thin… Really, I thought there’s more chance of you having aids than the kitten, but anyway, I leave it at that

I see too much of this woman, but I see her again, by this time she’s already spoken to my mum in passing, an told her that the cats owner turned up at her house asking about the cat, that it was a little old lady that lives down near us

So ok, first, that’s a lie, but let’s just say its true for arguments sake, I saw the cat everyday for about a week, and heard it crying, the cat was thin, you could see its bones, so was obviously outside for at least a week if not more, the old lady somehow didn’t find it in that time, even though I told you I saw it everyday, I took the kitten in the evening, dark, in a taxi, a mile into town, straight to her house, an some how the lady knew exactly where to go? Are you kidding me

I was angry when I saw her again, but just said, funny how the woman knew exactly where to go, she only replied by saying, I was wondering that myself

But as I said, she’s a liar an a con artist, about two years ago she suddenly became a psychic, so she cons people for a living, she’s not so psychic when she’s losing money in a casino

The truth probably is, either they didn’t want it an just let it loose, or it did get out an they just gave up an couldn’t be bothered, the crying probably annoyed them, cause it couldn’t be left alone, but I’m left feeling guilty, I should have brought it to the vets like I planned

But she had said the vets would probably have put it down, an when she mentioned her daughters farm, you know… but I know the vets would have given it to a shelter, a cute little black kitten that was very affectionate would have been re-homed in no time

Maybe I should have tried to find its owner before re-homing it, if it had one, but from what I’ve told you, it probably didn’t, and re-homing it was better than it starving out in the cold and dyeing, where it was last seen, a lot of older people live, I hope some kind older lady took it in, that’s what I hope

They do say no good deed goes unpunished, an in this case its true

Booze And Bruises

You know me, I’m not the best writer/blogger, an I have a lot to cover in this post, cause its been a minute since my last post

As you know, my older brother split up with his girlfriend last february, and within two weeks she started dating an old friend of my younger brothers, I say old friend, because they fell out and ever since he and my brothers have been at war, I’m not going to go into the many conflicts between them, because I already have in other posts

(Without names, this is a mess)

About a week or so a go, it was all over facebook, that the old friend was fighting with my brothers ex at a party, another young girl had stepped in to stick up for the ex, in doing so, the old friend took a bat, and hit her across the head with it several times, landing her in hospital

Everyone else at the party, then took into the old friend, hitting him with anything they could find, also landing him in hospital, resulting in 15 staples and 7 stitches, he was able to leave after about 5 hours

About two days later, the ex and the old friend were back together, but on friday it was all over facebook that the old friend was dead, I didn’t believe it at first, but its true, heroine overdose is what people are saying, so its kind of shocking

Since my older brother and the ex split up, he’s met a new girlfriend, I’ve mentioned her before, an gave my opinion, when maybe I should have none, after all its not my life

Its just things like they’ve only been together about six months, an they are already living together, there was talk of an engagement ring, sadly an its a horrible thing for anyone to go through, but she’s already had a miscarriage, maybe two I’m not sure

A few years ago she had some kind of accident, and has been taking these pain killers called tramadol?? (I could have googled that, but I didn’t really want to)

I know they are painkillers, but I heard they use them on cancer patients that have come to the stage where sadly treatment is no longer an option

Since my brother an her have been together, they’ve been taking them together, I don’t even know if she needs them anymore or lies to get them, I don’t know, but a couple of weeks ago my brother had a seizure as a result of taking them, thankfully since then he has stopped

Anyway, my younger brother is just.. I don’t know, throwing his life away

He was staying with my aunt, after yet another fight with his girlfriend, who as you know is pregnant, an is due in about three weeks

He an my aunt got into a fight, they’ve never really gotten along, and aren’t close, but that’s where he runs when the girlfriend kicks him out, so, whatever happened my aunt grabbed him by the scruff of the neck, although he says she was choking him, so he hit her in the face an she was walking around with a black eye

He then had court for past offences, in which he was sentenced to 5 months in prison, mostly because he was being cocky to his probation officer saying he wouldn’t get jail time, once the judge read the comments, he got jail

He was in for about two days, and got bail, but has to be in by 8 everyday, and can’t drink, but in that time, about a week or so, has been doing nothing but drinking, and staying out past the 8 o’clock curfew

One of those nights, the police happened to call to his girlfriends house, where he’s living, and of course he wasn’t there, so now he’s breached his bail, and is in hiding, but only until tuesday when he’s back in court, where he will defiantly be sent back to prison

The police have already been here and searched our house, its not good for my anxiety, and with social phobia, now every time a car pulls up outside our house I’m panicking, saying that, mum told the police man about how I can be around strangers, and so they didn’t enter my room, even though my brother could have been hiding in it, so that was good of them

Well when the police were at his girlfriends, he wasn’t there, because he was here, drunk, he started a fight with our mum, calling her names and even though he said he would never touch her, he was making threats

Mum was asking him to leave, and saying if he didn’t she would put him out, and he was saying ‘come on then’ an things like that

He was making hurtful comments like ‘you’re ok when I’m giving you money’ which really hurt mum, and she was crying for what seemed like forever, of course I defended her, an gave her a hug

He never visits us sober anymore, he says he needs a drink or he can’t leave the house, but that’s only a new thing, so either he’s telling lies, or his addiction to alcohol has been the cause, ie, he’s more confident and fearless while drunk

The last time he was here, like a week before, again drunk, he started on me, and was threatening me, but unlike mum, I walked away, and went upstairs, because you can’t argue with a drunk person, he came to me with the apology, as well he should, but sorry loses its meaning after a while

Eventually my brothers taxi came an he left, and was meant to be going home, but got off in town and bought more drink

He was driving around with this woman, a known drug user, we all know her, an I’ve even been in her house once, one night when I was taking meth myself, which I regret but have no problem admitting to

They went an got drugs, I sound so old… But yeah, mdma? I think it is, she drove him to an old friends house, also a drug user, and when the girl didn’t let him in, he threw a bottle at her window, smashing it, an of course she phoned the police, I think that’s mainly why they were looking for him, but also for the breaching of his bail

In the end, he ended up head butting the woman he was with an who had been driving him around, he stole her bag full of medication, an other things, he took her wine, and forty pound from her purse, which he then used to pay a taxi home

Of course he has no memory of any of this, maybe people are different, but I’ve been drunk, and even drank for a couple of days at a time, with no sleep an I remember everything, I think its an excuse to dodge blame

He must have used her phone to ring mum, so the next day, the woman rang mum, and asked her could she buy her tobacco, as she didn’t want to leave the house, because my brother had left her face pretty bad, she says mum an her used to talk all the time years ago, an although my mum knows her, she can’t remember ever really talking to her

But anyway, we got her the tobacco, which she paid for, her face was pretty bad, her left eye is swollen shut and she’s all bruised, I didn’t think my brother would do something like that, I mean its wrong anyway, but to a woman, and also to steal from someone

The woman started saying I had gotten really attractive, an asking was I available an rubbing her arm up against me, which made me really uncomfortable, she’s also a lesbian, so that was confusing, but the poor woman I don’t think, even knows where she is half the time

I don’t wanna be cruel, but I didn’t want to be there, her house is a mess, she lives in the living room, on a camp bed in the middle of the room, the beds broken in the middle, an the mattress is black with dirt, when I was there before, it was messy, but tidy messy, she had everything in bags, but now it looks like all the bags were tipped onto the floor, and the place smells like urine

You could see the dinner plate an the straw beside the bed, which she uses for her meth, and she had tipped an ash tray onto the bed to get the butts for the tobacco, I feel sorry for her to be honest

I actually read this post to my mum, because sometimes my posts feel wrong somehow, like they make me feel dirty in some way, is it too much for a blog that’s meant to be about a journey of mental illness, but then this is part of my life and it does affect me

I sat an thought, what have I been doing, this all over shadows anything that I’ve been doing, truthfully I’m trying to live with a more calming mindset, as hard as that may be, but its not easy

I’ve gained like, 3 stone, I hate me right now, I’m not happy, an I have no self control, I’m coming from 2015, where I was ill all year, every month I had a new symptom of some illness, I think due to anxiety and somatic illness, I thought thank god that years over, come 2016 I get a virus in january, and I’m still dealing with this sleep disorder where I’m waking up gasping for air

I think when will it end, so I’ve been keeping to myself, I’ve been quiet, or boring if you want to put it another way, but I’m getting there slowly, I always bounce back, thats something I love about myself

Anyway, its my birthday in about three weeks, I’m turning 30! Not a big deal but to me its a mile stone in some ways, 30 years of life, its a long time to be living this… I don’t know what this is sometimes

Just my crazy life and my crazy journey through it!

Time For Change

I can’t be anyone but who I am

With another year ahead, it got me thinking, I’ll be thirty in february! How have I come this far already, its made me think a lot about life, and how I should expect more for myself, an how I should want more out of life, there’s a clock that’s ticking and unfortunately this one can’t be turned back

Its also made me think about my family also, a lot stays the same but a lot changes too, I don’t want to wake up one day an ask what happened to my life, as they’ve all moved on an I’m left behind telling the same stories as ten years ago

Last february my older brother was still with his ex girlfriend, who I had become very close with, we still keep in touch

Its one of those things you never see changing until it does, life is going to change an there’s nothing you can do to stop it, Its about moving with it an not allowing yourself to dwell, and be left behind

He’s now met someone new, I haven’t met her yet, but I’m sure I will, I’ve told myself I won’t allow myself to get close to her, I don’t have room in my life right now for someone new, I still miss his ex, my friend

They’ve only been together about three to four months, and I was told my brother was going to ask me to lend him money to buy her an engagement ring

He’s already living with her as he stays at her house all the time now, she lives like fifty miles away so we never see him, I think they had only been together for about a month, and sadly she had a miscarriage, its not my life so who am I to have a say, but these things are happening too quick and too soon in my opinion, but when you’re in love it can make you do crazy things

The good thing though is he’s cut down on his drinking, and he’s doing really well, he’s trying and that’s all you can do

My younger brother Is a different story, he has a really good girlfriend who is a really nice person and she loves him so much, she’s pregnant with his baby right now, but he seems to be doing everything to throw that all away

They fell out yet again last week, but have since made up, though in that time he had to come an stay at our aunts house, he was there for about three days, and was drunk for most of it, in that time he also cut his wrist and had to go to hospital, it was a bad cut but not serious

He keeps saying his time in foster care is what makes him the way he is, that he was bullied and molested, I lived with him my whole life, so I would know if that had happened

To quickly let you into his claims, as I may seem unfair not to trust what he feels happened to him, when we lived in the childrens home, he an a friend used to bully another boy, when the friend left, the boy they bullied became the bully, as for the molesting part, he was eight years old and a member of staff dried him off after a bath, and he says he took extra time around the private area, which is a common thing when drying off anyway

I know he’s crying out for help, but he won’t allow himself to be helped, he sees no one, and doesn’t take his medication, he would rather drink, and that’s when he does these things, he’s completely different when sober

My other family members are pretty much drama free, which is a good thing when you need someone to talk too, but hard at the same time to feel like you’re being listened to when they have their own problems going on

That’s their lives and that’s how they chose to live them, now I need a life of my own

Over christmas, for years was always full of drama in our family, this year was pretty normal, which was a surprise, my younger brother left early to be with his girlfriend, the only one who really drank was my older brother, but went to bed when he got home

We had fun, normal I guess, that’s what you would hope for, though for me it felt like something was missing, there wasn’t that feeling of christmas this year

This will also be the first time in years that for new years we won’t all be together, another example that things are changing and people move on with their own lives, I won’t be celebrating new years this year, not out of choice but I don’t mind

Years ago I promised myself I would never spend another new years eve alone, and I didn’t for a long time, I know this time its not through mental illness that’s prevented me from joining in on celebrating like everyone else, so its not really a big deal for me

Going forward into a new year I’m not making any plans, because its best to take one day at a time

I am going to try harder to create a life more separate for myself, because I do deserve to be happy, I never really allowed myself to think or feel that way before, as cheesy as it sounds, why shouldn’t I have my happy ending….

Happy New Year… xx

Its Almost That Time Again

Mortality is a cruel thing, it takes from us, everything we love, it doesn’t have a face, a voice, you can’t see or hear it, it comes quietly without warning, it has no heart so it feels nothing, no mind so it doesn’t care

Why, there is no answer, so much pain but only silence, all we’re left with are memories, but memories are like dreams, they fade in time an so we begin to forget

I wrote this above, in a moment of dark emotion one night, I kept telling myself to delete it and make this post less depressing, but If anything I’m honest and so are my posts, an i guess it sums up my 2015, the torment in my mind all year

An not to sound over dramatic, but this has been a hard year for me, more physically than mentally for once

I’m not religious, but I do believe, an people always say, god doesn’t give you more than you can handle, and I’ve come through the year in one piece, I could have given up but I didn’t, even at times when I felt really ill and alone, the fear I felt, the tears and the panic attacks, feeling let down by my doctors and the periods of depression, I may not have been dying, but it was tough

I never really admitted to anyone how tough it actually has been, apart from blogging about it, i just dealt with it on my own, an maybe I’m stronger than I actually realise

Its taught me a lot about dealing with loneliness, you may have people around you, but that doesn’t mean they’re with you

Going into the new year, I’ve decided that its going to be my year of selfishness, not in a bad spiteful way, but more in a, I’m turning thirty an I’ve lived my life for other people for so long, when is it going to be my turn to live for me

Now is that time.

I’m learning so much about myself all the time, I wish I had this awareness sooner, but life is a journey and we never really stop learning new things about ourselves and what we are truly capable of, I just feel like I’ve been drowning in this kind of darkness for so long, I’ve never given myself a chance, an most of the time we don’t have a choice, because mental illness isn’t something we can fully control

Today I could be on top of the world, and tomorrow I could be in bed wishing I was never born, so when we get those rare times where we are free and in control again we should live while we can, an only people who have suffered the way we have can really understand without judgement

I was going to add what’s been happening over the last few weeks, but I like this post an want it to stand alone, so I’ll add another post just before christmas…