Attached To A New Label

It’s been three weeks since I had my brain scan, the results came back and its all clear, I’m so relieved! I only found out a week ago, that’s when I was meant to post this, but kept putting it off

Over the last say three years, there were a few times I did take meth, which I regret, I’d get drunk and take a bit, it was never a habit, just a habit I got into if that makes sense, it was rare but still that’s no excuse, i haven’t touched it since the start of january, and I won’t again! I’m just glad it didn’t do any damage

I’ve had other types of scans and xrays in the past, all again thankfully clear, but this time i had convinced myself that you don’t get this many chances in life, that this time I wouldn’t be so lucky, I just told myself whatever happened, I’d deal with it

On the day of the scan, i decided to go alone, I didn’t really want anyone there who I could talk too, because my nerves were bad enough with my own thoughts

In the waiting area I was getting nervous, and I became very emotional, fear I guess and that finally the day was here, in the scan room the ceiling above had a big lit up picture on it, water, rocks and an overhanging tree bathed in colours of a sunset, you couldn’t see it while going though the scanner anyway, an besides I kept my eyes closed the whole time, all the while breathing heavily, I tried to block out my thoughts, thoughts of all the people who had gone before me, the scan was quick which I was grateful for, and the nurse was really nice which helped also

I asked the nurse could she tell me anything to put my mind at rest, she said she couldn’t as there were over 400 images to look at, but if my symptoms got worse, I could request the results quicker, hearing that didn’t help much

I went to see doctor C a few days after that, I wanted my bloods done to rule out anything else that may be going on, cholesterol etc, she was rude to me as usual, telling me how expensive the tests were, and how people want the tests just for the sake of knowing but don’t change their lifestyle, back to her old self again I thought to myself, I knew I couldn’t open up to her so I left feeling alone in my illness again

Not to be over dramatic, but this has been the worst year of my life, I’m surprised I’ve stayed as stable as I am, mental illness aside, I’ve been ill now for seven months, and its like every part of my body is turning against me, I had another doctors appointment shortly after the last one, this time it was Dr H, he now thinks I may have fibromyalgia, so that may be a new thing I’m labelled with

I looked it up, and it sounds exactly like me lately, symptoms include feeling tired to a degree that normal activities are affected, sleep disturbance, joint stiffness. Some people also report difficulty with swallowing, bowel and bladder abnormalities, numbness, tingling and cognitive dysfunction, fibromyalgia is frequently associated with psychiatric conditions, such as depression and anxiety, it also causes pain in many areas of the body

That aside, I just wanted to share my good news with you

It All Seems Never Ending

Its been a stressful few days to say the least, my brothers are drinking again, and have been for days, my younger brothers girlfriend threw him out so he’s living with our older brother and aunt again, having my two brothers under the same roof is never a good thing

Besides their health, in my opinion I wouldn’t care if they drank everyday, its what happens when they are drunk that’s the problem

From falling and stumbling while drunk, they’ve smashed so many of the things my aunts spent quite a lot of money on to make their home nice, my aunts living room floor is lifting because of all the drinks they’ve split, and she’s had to throw out expensive rugs because they were so soaked with drink they couldn’t be cleaned

The other day my brothers were in town, I’m guessing to get more alcohol, my older brother had made some comments to a man, probably acting smart as usual, the man had then hit him, my brother saying it didn’t even hurt, only in worse language than that, had then got punched again, this time it split his lip

My mum had gone up to visit them shortly after that, because they are constantly ringing asking her to, I don’t know why she bothers because they are causing her so much stress, every time they are drunk now, they ring her and say really inappropriate sexual things, things a son should never say to their mother

My brothers had started fighting which they always seem to do now, my mum had gotten in between them to split them up, and accidentally got punched, mum and my older brother fell out after that, and some not so nice things were said, it ended with my older brother threatened to take an over-dose

On tuesday, my younger brothers girlfriend rang my mum in tears, my older brother had put up on facebook that our younger brother had died, my older brother smashed his phone, so was using my aunts, he had used my aunts phone to go into her facebook to make it look like she had written about it too, most people knew it wasn’t true, but some believed it, others were very angry about it, my brothers of course thought it was funny

My older brother later tried to spin the story, saying his facebook had been hacked, everyone knew it was lies, people were even threatening them over it, as they see it as a mockery of people they have lost

Last night my aunt phoned me nearly in tears, someone had yet again smashed her kitchen window, my older brother had quickly jumped over the fence this time and caught the boy who did it, my younger brother then started threatening the boys mother with ours, which he does often, our mum wants nothing to do with their behaviour

They are on the waiting list at the moment to move house, but with the way my brothers are acting, trouble will follow them no matter where they go, I’ve told my aunt many times she needs to get a place of her own, and leave them to do what they want, she has no life, she’s trapped, but she never listens

The way my brothers are going, they’ll either end up in prison, hospital, or perhaps worse

I actually leave a lot out of these posts, about what they get up to sometimes, because it’d make you sick, it makes me sick, its how far they go while drunk, and the things they do to each other, drunken behaviour which they think is funny, I’ll leave that to your own imagination

Tonight my younger brother used my aunts phone to ring me, as they don’t have my number, you can understand why, he wouldn’t believe it was me talking at first so for about ten minutes I had to listen to him asking who’s this, and that’s not you etc, I kept asking him what he wanted, an saying that I’d hang up if he didn’t talk sense, he started saying he was coming to the house an that I better be ready, then started laughing, as if pretending to threaten me was funny, he called me names an then hung up on me, his head is probably that messed up from the drink and god knows what else, this is what we have to deal with on a regular basis

I’ve seen my mum so upset lately as a result of how they are behaving, the stress isn’t good for her, she had tests done with the doctor lately, thank god she got the all clear, she’s ok physically at least

In this family, its one thing after another, yesterday my uncle/mums brother, was taken into hospital with chest pains and problems breathing, he later signed himself out an is back at work today, even though the pains have returned and he was told to rest

Today our dog took another seizure, my mum called me from downstairs crying and panicking, they took the dog to the vet, and now we have to wait on blood results to see if she has epilepsy, its yet another thing on my mums mind

Tomorrow I have my brain scan to find out why I’m taking these strange turns, I’m sure she’s worried about that also, I know I am, but I haven’t mentioned it, it wouldn’t be fair, though I have felt slightly better over the last two weeks or so, I’ll let you know how it goes

It all seems never ending sometimes…

Some Things Never Change

Its not an easy thing to say, when you tell yourself you can’t stand to be around your family anymore

A few days ago, my younger brother was phoning our house, saying his mental health is the worst its ever been, and that he was suicidal, and having bad thoughts, he said he was going to the hospital and was going to try getting signed in or sectioned

I don’t want to take anything away from him, but my younger brother has a bad habit of lying, and exaggerating things, his girlfriend had said he was in good form all day, until he started drinking

He eventually did go to the hospital, but I knew that with drink in him, he wouldn’t be seen, I also know the hospital usually keeps you there all night an you see the psychiatrist the next morning, having to wait my brother gave up an came home, which makes me wonder how serious he actually was, he blames everything on mental illness, and uses it as emotional blackmail against people

A couple of days, if not the next, my older brother started drinking, lately he’s been drinking by himself as he’s fallen out with everyone that gave him the time of day, so he has no one else to drink with now, he came down to our house, saying he wanted to see mum for a while, but of course he brought the drink with him, an was drinking it like water the whole time, as he got worse he started stumbling an falling into things, demanding I give him hair gel and aftershave, an getting annoyed when I wouldn’t take off my coat to let him try it on, to be honest I could smell his BO, and I didn’t want it rubbing off onto my new coat

As more time past, he could hardly even talk, but my brothers have a habit of putting that on a bit, for no reason he started head-butting our kitchen door, we could hear the wood starting to crack, thankfully it didn’t leave a mark, but we knew it was time for him to go

I phoned him a taxi, he knew I was going into town anyway, so we were going to get the taxi into town together, in the taxi we had only gotten around the corner and my brother was starting to call the taxi driver names and threatening him, thankfully we had to turn back as my brother had forgotten his phone, when we did I got out and said I wasn’t going anymore, that I couldn’t put up with him, I could tell the taxi driver didn’t want to be left alone with him, but I just couldn’t cope with it, I’d had enough

Tonight my younger brother was phoning again, and had been all day, saying his mental health was bad, that’s the way he says it, that he’d been out for a walk and was going to jump of a bridge, mum knew that he sounded funny on the phone, and asked had he been drinking to which he swore on her life he hadn’t been, though it turned out he had, because one of his girlfriends friends had seen him in town with bottles of buckfast, and later in a pub begging people to buy him drinks

He was very rude on the phone to mum, and he had his girlfriend in tears, because I refused to talk to him on the phone, mum said he called me names and threatened to hit me the next time he sees me

Only a couple of days before, he’d been ringing mum saying he was going to change his life, become a christian and start going to church, which I thought was a bit extreme, he was saying that he and my older brother were putting stress on mum and making her ill, an that it wasn’t fair

His girlfriend asked him to leave because of how he was acting an treating her, she’s three months pregnant with his baby, and already has a two year old, she doesn’t need the stress, and her young son doesn’t need to see my brother drunk and abusive all the time, someone had also come to her door, saying that how my brother was acting around the estate wasn’t going to be tolerated, it was a threat more or less

After he had threatened me, the phone calls started again, this time it was for money to get my younger brother a taxi into town, I Just refused, we don’t want him coming around our house drunk, and after how he spoke to me, did he seriously think I’d lend it to him, besides that he owes me money and hasn’t given me anything in weeks

He started saying that our older brother is the only one that cares about him, an no one else does, yet just yesterday he was saying that the only reason our older brother was giving him more attention lately is because he’s about to come into a bit of money

My older brother started ringing then, trying to get the money for our younger brother, I still refused, my brother said if anything happens its my fault, if I had of said yes to lending him money, he would only have come to town an drank with my older brother, who again is drinking himself, how would that do him any good, he needs to grow up, and stop running from his problems all the time, he’s going to be a dad, its time to change, he won’t find what he’s looking for at the bottom of a bottle

Besides that, he brought it on himself, if he hadn’t of drunk, and went to the cinema with his girlfriend like they’d planned, everything would have been ok, we’ve pulled out the phone now to get peace, we don’t need this in our lives

Some might say alcohol is just his way of coping, but without it, he’s nothing like the way I’ve described, its the alcohol that makes him that way

I just want to be left alone, I have my own problems to deal with right now, I have my brain scan on the 7th of august, hopefully it will be all clear, and I can focus more on changing things in my own life for the better

From Bad To Worse

After the craziness of last night, you’d think things would have calmed down, but no, my brothers kept on drinking

Sometimes my younger brother has a habit of disappearing for a while, turns out that sometimes he goes to our uncles house an stays there for a while, my uncle runs his own small window cleaning business with help from his oldest daughter, so he wasn’t there at the time

My uncles wife has never really liked us, my brother said that she called us dirt, an that its no wonder my brothers don’t get to see their children, among other things, but that’s really all I was told, I’m sure being drunk my brother had started twisting, and had provoked that reaction

My brother then had come back an told my older brother what she had said, so then they both went back to my uncles together, they exchanged words, name calling etc, her middle daughter had come out an got involved too (she also had her sick mother and youngest daughter in the house) my uncles wife ended up calling the police, because my older brother exposed himself to her, I don’t blame her to be honest, luckily the younger daughter was out of the way, I don’t know if she will press charges

My uncle and his older daughter came to our house today to talk things over, and although my brother was in the wrong, an my mum would agree, she would also take his side, as my uncle would always take the side of his wife, my uncle phoned his wife so she an my mum could talk, but she had an attitude, so it was a short call

Everyone knows what my uncles wife is really like, she likes to think she’s better than other people, she’s a bit of a snob, she rules their house, and although they wouldn’t admit it, they are afraid of her, when she fought with her own daughter an thrown her out, she lived with my aunt for a couple of months before her mum took her back in, but in that time, her daughter told us what she’s really like

An although they’re not as bad these days, her own daughters were out drinking all the time, taking drugs an getting into fights, so who is she to be calling anyone dirt

I mentioned in my last post, that last night a fight broke out between my brothers and a neighbour, the neighbour had then smashed my aunts front door window, anyway today as revenge, my younger brother went to the neighbours house, and smashed some of his windows, the man would be silly not to know who’s done it, so that’s yet another thing looming over our family

A small crowd had gathered around my aunts last night amongst the fight, and neighbours were watching from their windows, I’m guessing word has spread an by today everyone will be talking about it, so our family name might as well be dirt as we are all tarred with the same brush, I have to admit, social phobia aside, I am sometimes afraid to walk alone in town, in case something happens to me as a result of what my brothers have done, you never know

On a lighter note, over the last couple of days, I’ve actually been feeling better, it feels so good to feel like myself again, with everything that was happening with me, I was beginning to lose myself an was in a very bad place, even if this is only temporary I’m glad to have the break from it, I hope it lasts though

Like A Scene From A Bad Movie

This post is like a scene from a bad movie, but unfortunately its all too real….

Friday night, coming back from a run out of town, we had to meet my aunt on the way to our house as she had no cigarettes left or something, when we met her, she told us on the way to meet us, she had just walked past the boy that my brothers have fallen out with, an that he’d pretended to yawn, turning his back to her so she wouldn’t know it was him, but of course she did

Wondering what he was doing hanging around so close to her house, and being with a another boy who had recently phoned making threats, she wanted our mum to come back with her in case something happened to her house, so we all went, we couldn’t see anyone, or anything, just a strange smell of petrol

Yesterday mum an I went to visit my aunt, she was out the back when I went looking for her, I immediately saw glass all over the back garden, an asked her what happened, that was the first time she had noticed it to, again we could smell petrol, lifting the glass that’s where the smell was coming from, there was also rolled up bits of paper also smelling of petrol, we realised it had been used as a petrol bomb, unrolling the paper, it was a letter, which just happened to have the name an address of the boy my brothers have fallen out with on it, an who was standing not far from the house

Mum was convinced that is was done to send a message, but I thought there’s no way he could be that clever, that we’d see the glass an unravel the paper to see it was his letter, an incriminate himself, either he’s really silly, or he tried to light the paper an it went out, my brother has too big dogs in the back garden, so I don’t think he would have risked climbing in to retrieve the evidence

The police said that there wasn’t enough evidence, that they’d ask the boy had he done it, he’d say no of course, an that would be the end of it, that we knew it was him, they knew it was him, but how can you prove it, I thought it was evidence enough

My aunt an brother, who you know live together are moving away from there, but as I’ve said many times, what good would it really do, no matter where they go, trouble will follow them, but then I guess anywhere is better than there

Tonight as its my younger brothers birthday, my brothers were drinking, not a shock there, mum my step-dad an I were out for a while, when our aunt showed up saying some man my brothers know had walked by their house, probably drunk himself, and called them names, my brothers went out to comfort him, and some kind of fight started with punches being thrown, the man left an came back with a crossbow, my older brother drunk an acting brave said for the man to go ahead an shot him, he did fire it, but the arrow just fell on the ground, whether it was real to begin with, I don’t know

I don’t know the full story, but the man left again, came back, this time he smashed the front door window with a hockey stick, it must have resulted in another fight, because my older brother ended up stabbing him in the hand with a pair of scissors, my aunt pleaded with the man to leave, an just let it go, which he did, my aunt got a call saying the police had arrived, so my mum went back with my aunt, my step dad an I came on home

The man has since messaged my aunt on facebook, saying sorry for what he did, but that my brothers pushed him too far, an that he’d pay for the window, but then changed his mind, saying they are moving anyway, an that he probably did them a favour, meaning they’d probably be offered a new place quicker now

My mum can’t deal with this constant stress that they are putting on her all the time, she just wants a quiet life, but in this family there’s no such thing!

Take Two

As I mentioned last night, it was my mums 50th birthday, an we all went for a nice meal together, my younger brothers girlfriend ended up not coming, as they had fallen out an are still arguing

My brothers eventually came to the restaurant, after drinking an being in the pub for some time, they were both drunk. I’m so glad the place wasn’t that busy, because I felt so embarrassed an ashamed, they were talking so loud, mum had to constantly ask them to be quiet, they were being rude to the members of staff, saying really inappropriate sexual things, my older brother told a waitress he wanted to have sex with her at one point, only in a more vulgar way, thankfully I don’t think she heard him, then sending side orders back, saying they were sh*t portions an wanted more, instead of asking politely, then they kept messing around punching each other, all the while ordering pint after pint

We were glad just to get it over with, an get out of there, my older brother was covered in pepper sauce as he staggered up the road with another box of beer

I only had two vodka an cokes, mainly to help lift the edge an get through the dinner, I didn’t want to risk drinking anymore

When I got home last night, it was the worst night so far, every time I kept drifting off to sleep, I kept waking up gasping for air, an had pains in my chest, I had to cancel my driving lesson today, because I just wasn’t up to it, I don’t think the instructor was too happy about it, but if I don’t feel well, why would I risk driving

Today my brothers came down to our house, after staying up all night drinking, they said they had fallen out with a friend they were drinking with last night, an that my younger brother had hit him, saying there was blood everywhere, an that my aunts house is wrecked, though she’ll be the one they expect to clean it

They stayed for about two hours, in which time it was like looking after two children, again the sexual chat, asking me very intimate questions which I refused to answer, they talked the same way to mum, why would you talk to your mum that way

Again they were punching each other, sometimes taking things too far, my mum had a tub of paint set out to touch up the hall way, my younger brother put some paint on his forehead as a stupid joke, not to be left out, my older brother copied him, only with a lot more, when he tried to wash it off, it spread across his whole face, it was in his hair an eyebrows an beard hair, just like a big baby

When my mum was cleaning paint he had gotten on the carpet, he kept kicking her on the bum, when we were talking in the living room, he kept punching me in the arm, an throwing pillows at mums face, an instead of going to the toilet, he stood at the back door an just pee’d there, which my mum had to throw bleach over an scrub

At one point he grabbed a lump of our dogs skin an lifted her off the ground, the poor thing was crying, an then he punched her, so you can imagine what it was like, my step dad agreed to give them a lift home, of course just to get rid of them

Today is my step dads birthday, I know what are the chances! then my younger brothers birthday is on sunday, mum my step dad an I are going out for a meal, just the three of us this time, that’s the best way sometimes

End Of Another Chapter

I just want to start this post by saying I finally got my hospital appointment for my brain scan, its the 7th of august, an I’m hoping it will be the end to this horrible chapter in my life, or at least one step closer

Everyone keeps saying I’ll be fine, I’ll be ok, I know they are trying to be supportive, but then that’s what you expect people to tell you, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared, once I have it out of the way, an I get the results back, hopefully all clear, I’m not holding back anymore, it won’t be easy, but I’m determined to have an live the life I want to, I’m done being afraid of life, afraid to live

Today’s my mums 50th birthday, an in about an hour we are all meeting up to go for a nice meal, I’m looking forward to it

Both my brothers are currently in a pub as we speak, any excuse right! I’m hoping they don’t turn up drunk and embarrass us, you know they’ll be drinking through the dinner, so who knows what could happen, it can go either way at this point

My older brother got drunk a few days ago, he an a friend went out looking for a boy he’s fallen out with, they went to a boys house where he’s always known to be, I heard they kicked the door in, an stole some stuff from the house, the boy not there at the time, later found out an then phoned making threats

The silly thing is, is that these boys they have fallen out with, have this weird mind set of not telling the police or ‘touting’ as they call it, I’m guessing that’s why the police haven’t come looking for my brother yet, which is lucky as he’s on probation

Yesterday, my younger brother, who now lives with his girlfriend out of town, got drunk an stole his girlfriends post office card, cleared out the account an used the money for drink an gambling, she threw him out, so for now he’s living with my aunt an older brother again, not a good idea to have them together, any excuse to drink an they will, then they become bad influences on each other in their drunken stupidity an get into trouble

The police are currently looking to talk to my younger brother for breaking off someones wing mirror, though it wasn’t him but a friend that did it, I don’t know where my brother falls regarding the not telling the police on someone thing, but if the friend was in any way a real friend, he’d own up to it, I don’t know what will come out of all that

I just want the night to go well for my mum, she deserves it