From Bad To Worse

After the craziness of last night, you’d think things would have calmed down, but no, my brothers kept on drinking

Sometimes my younger brother has a habit of disappearing for a while, turns out that sometimes he goes to our uncles house an stays there for a while, my uncle runs his own small window cleaning business with help from his oldest daughter, so he wasn’t there at the time

My uncles wife has never really liked us, my brother said that she called us dirt, an that its no wonder my brothers don’t get to see their children, among other things, but that’s really all I was told, I’m sure being drunk my brother had started twisting, and had provoked that reaction

My brother then had come back an told my older brother what she had said, so then they both went back to my uncles together, they exchanged words, name calling etc, her middle daughter had come out an got involved too (she also had her sick mother and youngest daughter in the house) my uncles wife ended up calling the police, because my older brother exposed himself to her, I don’t blame her to be honest, luckily the younger daughter was out of the way, I don’t know if she will press charges

My uncle and his older daughter came to our house today to talk things over, and although my brother was in the wrong, an my mum would agree, she would also take his side, as my uncle would always take the side of his wife, my uncle phoned his wife so she an my mum could talk, but she had an attitude, so it was a short call

Everyone knows what my uncles wife is really like, she likes to think she’s better than other people, she’s a bit of a snob, she rules their house, and although they wouldn’t admit it, they are afraid of her, when she fought with her own daughter an thrown her out, she lived with my aunt for a couple of months before her mum took her back in, but in that time, her daughter told us what she’s really like

An although they’re not as bad these days, her own daughters were out drinking all the time, taking drugs an getting into fights, so who is she to be calling anyone dirt

I mentioned in my last post, that last night a fight broke out between my brothers and a neighbour, the neighbour had then smashed my aunts front door window, anyway today as revenge, my younger brother went to the neighbours house, and smashed some of his windows, the man would be silly not to know who’s done it, so that’s yet another thing looming over our family

A small crowd had gathered around my aunts last night amongst the fight, and neighbours were watching from their windows, I’m guessing word has spread an by today everyone will be talking about it, so our family name might as well be dirt as we are all tarred with the same brush, I have to admit, social phobia aside, I am sometimes afraid to walk alone in town, in case something happens to me as a result of what my brothers have done, you never know

On a lighter note, over the last couple of days, I’ve actually been feeling better, it feels so good to feel like myself again, with everything that was happening with me, I was beginning to lose myself an was in a very bad place, even if this is only temporary I’m glad to have the break from it, I hope it lasts though

Like A Scene From A Bad Movie

This post is like a scene from a bad movie, but unfortunately its all too real….

Friday night, coming back from a run out of town, we had to meet my aunt on the way to our house as she had no cigarettes left or something, when we met her, she told us on the way to meet us, she had just walked past the boy that my brothers have fallen out with, an that he’d pretended to yawn, turning his back to her so she wouldn’t know it was him, but of course she did

Wondering what he was doing hanging around so close to her house, and being with a another boy who had recently phoned making threats, she wanted our mum to come back with her in case something happened to her house, so we all went, we couldn’t see anyone, or anything, just a strange smell of petrol

Yesterday mum an I went to visit my aunt, she was out the back when I went looking for her, I immediately saw glass all over the back garden, an asked her what happened, that was the first time she had noticed it to, again we could smell petrol, lifting the glass that’s where the smell was coming from, there was also rolled up bits of paper also smelling of petrol, we realised it had been used as a petrol bomb, unrolling the paper, it was a letter, which just happened to have the name an address of the boy my brothers have fallen out with on it, an who was standing not far from the house

Mum was convinced that is was done to send a message, but I thought there’s no way he could be that clever, that we’d see the glass an unravel the paper to see it was his letter, an incriminate himself, either he’s really silly, or he tried to light the paper an it went out, my brother has too big dogs in the back garden, so I don’t think he would have risked climbing in to retrieve the evidence

The police said that there wasn’t enough evidence, that they’d ask the boy had he done it, he’d say no of course, an that would be the end of it, that we knew it was him, they knew it was him, but how can you prove it, I thought it was evidence enough

My aunt an brother, who you know live together are moving away from there, but as I’ve said many times, what good would it really do, no matter where they go, trouble will follow them, but then I guess anywhere is better than there

Tonight as its my younger brothers birthday, my brothers were drinking, not a shock there, mum my step-dad an I were out for a while, when our aunt showed up saying some man my brothers know had walked by their house, probably drunk himself, and called them names, my brothers went out to comfort him, and some kind of fight started with punches being thrown, the man left an came back with a crossbow, my older brother drunk an acting brave said for the man to go ahead an shot him, he did fire it, but the arrow just fell on the ground, whether it was real to begin with, I don’t know

I don’t know the full story, but the man left again, came back, this time he smashed the front door window with a hockey stick, it must have resulted in another fight, because my older brother ended up stabbing him in the hand with a pair of scissors, my aunt pleaded with the man to leave, an just let it go, which he did, my aunt got a call saying the police had arrived, so my mum went back with my aunt, my step dad an I came on home

The man has since messaged my aunt on facebook, saying sorry for what he did, but that my brothers pushed him too far, an that he’d pay for the window, but then changed his mind, saying they are moving anyway, an that he probably did them a favour, meaning they’d probably be offered a new place quicker now

My mum can’t deal with this constant stress that they are putting on her all the time, she just wants a quiet life, but in this family there’s no such thing!

Take Two

As I mentioned last night, it was my mums 50th birthday, an we all went for a nice meal together, my younger brothers girlfriend ended up not coming, as they had fallen out an are still arguing

My brothers eventually came to the restaurant, after drinking an being in the pub for some time, they were both drunk. I’m so glad the place wasn’t that busy, because I felt so embarrassed an ashamed, they were talking so loud, mum had to constantly ask them to be quiet, they were being rude to the members of staff, saying really inappropriate sexual things, my older brother told a waitress he wanted to have sex with her at one point, only in a more vulgar way, thankfully I don’t think she heard him, then sending side orders back, saying they were sh*t portions an wanted more, instead of asking politely, then they kept messing around punching each other, all the while ordering pint after pint

We were glad just to get it over with, an get out of there, my older brother was covered in pepper sauce as he staggered up the road with another box of beer

I only had two vodka an cokes, mainly to help lift the edge an get through the dinner, I didn’t want to risk drinking anymore

When I got home last night, it was the worst night so far, every time I kept drifting off to sleep, I kept waking up gasping for air, an had pains in my chest, I had to cancel my driving lesson today, because I just wasn’t up to it, I don’t think the instructor was too happy about it, but if I don’t feel well, why would I risk driving

Today my brothers came down to our house, after staying up all night drinking, they said they had fallen out with a friend they were drinking with last night, an that my younger brother had hit him, saying there was blood everywhere, an that my aunts house is wrecked, though she’ll be the one they expect to clean it

They stayed for about two hours, in which time it was like looking after two children, again the sexual chat, asking me very intimate questions which I refused to answer, they talked the same way to mum, why would you talk to your mum that way

Again they were punching each other, sometimes taking things too far, my mum had a tub of paint set out to touch up the hall way, my younger brother put some paint on his forehead as a stupid joke, not to be left out, my older brother copied him, only with a lot more, when he tried to wash it off, it spread across his whole face, it was in his hair an eyebrows an beard hair, just like a big baby

When my mum was cleaning paint he had gotten on the carpet, he kept kicking her on the bum, when we were talking in the living room, he kept punching me in the arm, an throwing pillows at mums face, an instead of going to the toilet, he stood at the back door an just pee’d there, which my mum had to throw bleach over an scrub

At one point he grabbed a lump of our dogs skin an lifted her off the ground, the poor thing was crying, an then he punched her, so you can imagine what it was like, my step dad agreed to give them a lift home, of course just to get rid of them

Today is my step dads birthday, I know what are the chances! then my younger brothers birthday is on sunday, mum my step dad an I are going out for a meal, just the three of us this time, that’s the best way sometimes

End Of Another Chapter

I just want to start this post by saying I finally got my hospital appointment for my brain scan, its the 7th of august, an I’m hoping it will be the end to this horrible chapter in my life, or at least one step closer

Everyone keeps saying I’ll be fine, I’ll be ok, I know they are trying to be supportive, but then that’s what you expect people to tell you, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared, once I have it out of the way, an I get the results back, hopefully all clear, I’m not holding back anymore, it won’t be easy, but I’m determined to have an live the life I want to, I’m done being afraid of life, afraid to live

Today’s my mums 50th birthday, an in about an hour we are all meeting up to go for a nice meal, I’m looking forward to it

Both my brothers are currently in a pub as we speak, any excuse right! I’m hoping they don’t turn up drunk and embarrass us, you know they’ll be drinking through the dinner, so who knows what could happen, it can go either way at this point

My older brother got drunk a few days ago, he an a friend went out looking for a boy he’s fallen out with, they went to a boys house where he’s always known to be, I heard they kicked the door in, an stole some stuff from the house, the boy not there at the time, later found out an then phoned making threats

The silly thing is, is that these boys they have fallen out with, have this weird mind set of not telling the police or ‘touting’ as they call it, I’m guessing that’s why the police haven’t come looking for my brother yet, which is lucky as he’s on probation

Yesterday, my younger brother, who now lives with his girlfriend out of town, got drunk an stole his girlfriends post office card, cleared out the account an used the money for drink an gambling, she threw him out, so for now he’s living with my aunt an older brother again, not a good idea to have them together, any excuse to drink an they will, then they become bad influences on each other in their drunken stupidity an get into trouble

The police are currently looking to talk to my younger brother for breaking off someones wing mirror, though it wasn’t him but a friend that did it, I don’t know where my brother falls regarding the not telling the police on someone thing, but if the friend was in any way a real friend, he’d own up to it, I don’t know what will come out of all that

I just want the night to go well for my mum, she deserves it

No Smoke Without Fire

I hope those who read the new short story I wrote ‘tell me I’m beautiful’ liked it, just wanna say thank you for the likes an for taking the time to read it, means a lot to me :)

I like that I can add something different to my blog, its the same in my real life, I get too talk about the problems I face, but also those of my family members, it makes for a different dynamic

As I mentioned before, I’m just in a strange head space, I think with everything that’s been going on with me, an having to deal with it now on a daily basis its really starting to wear me down, it takes so much effort and will power to get up in the morning, an also to get ready to go out, which I’ve started doing everyday, I feel the need to, I feel suffocated inside, sometimes quite lonely, its where I feel most ill, most anxious an depressed, it becomes like a prison

Ever since I started feeling ill, about five months ago, I started worrying about what might be going on, which in a strange way helped with my mental illness at first, I was living each day with a sort of, what have I got to lose mentality, I was more assertive, more confident, I was challenging my fears, an overcoming a lot of what held me back

At first I liked being around, an among other people, I felt a sense of freedom, I felt normal, but as time has past, an I’ve become more worn down, being out in public is beginning to make me become more negative, walking past people, in my mind I’ll be telling them to move, when someone gets in my way I get cross, I get frustrated when places are quite busy, when people are talking to me I can’t be bothered to listen, I’m willing them to get to the point, I’ve never really been someone who’s patient, but at the same time I’m never rude, though I have had times when I can’t control myself

I know these are feelings any normal person would have from time to time, but sometimes I really hate having to share the world with other people, its always so busy, so fussy, you try to be polite, holding the door for someone, moving out of some ones way etc but other people act as though that’s how they expect to be treated, with no thank you an its not reciprocated, the world really has a way of beating you down sometimes if you let it, but I’ll still move, I’ll smile, but inside I could be calling you a b*tch

In the back-ground my head issues are always there, you know that feeling you get with brain freeze, or when blood rushes to your head, I feel that way all the time, also dizzy an disorientated, sometimes like I’ve been drugged, sometimes it affects my eyesight or my jaw, some nights I’ll have creeping paralysis, I’ll just want to sleep, to end the day, but I can’t, its a lot to live with when it begins to affect your mood like it is with me, its relentless

With my mental health team, and doctors, I feel like I’m continuously left out in the cold, I feel so alone in this illness, and I’m getting nowhere, after so many appointments, at first all I got was paracetamol, something I could have bought myself in any shop, the brain scan which I’m still waiting for you know was just to humour me

I’m always ringing, asking is there anything else they can give me, because these new migraine tablets are useless, but the doctor keeps asking me to come in an see him, what more can I say that they don’t already know, its pushing me to the edge an they do nothing, I’d really love to lash out at them, an tell them where they can shove it, but that wouldn’t get me anywhere would it

When you’re happy in your own life, things are so easy to deal with, but when you’re ill an going through a hard time, one wrong look from someone an you have a break down, I feel like I’m living that way every day, on the width of a hair, I can go either way so fast, the emotional ups an downs that often in a single day is so exhausting

A rant is good sometimes…

Its hard in this family to talk to anyone, because after a while no one wants to listen, they tune out, or they only want you to hear their problems, you never feel like you can have your own moment, its always over shadowed

The other day my older brother had a fall out with a friend, or should I really call him a drinking buddy, anyway they fell out, an it must have been heated, because they ended up hitting each other, strangely that same night my aunt had two bricks thrown at her bedroom window, luckily they missed, it happens all the time, its usually a back lash from something my brother an his friends have done while drunk, I feel so bad for my aunt, she’s done nothing wrong

That night after the fight, my brother ended up taking an overdose of his medication, he never takes them any other time, so that’s why he always has a large supply, after the overdose, which thankfully wasn’t serious, he started cutting himself

Also while drunk recently, he phoned his probation officer, yes he’s on probation, is that really a surprise? Anyway he phoned her an started talking to her in very sexual way saying really inappropriate things, so now they’re looking him in for a chat

I don’t want to get involved, an I’m not taking anything away from how he’s feeling, but I did say that after this, if he doesn’t look at his life an think that he needs to change, then he likely never will

Its just another day in the crazy life that is my family

Only a few days before I had my younger brother phoning me, he had fallen out with his girlfriend, who as I told you is now pregnant, looking me to pay a taxi for him into town, saying he was suicidal an needed to get away, but I know he just wanted to come to town to drink with my older brother, which he did after giving some man an old phone for a lift, then using his birthday money from me to get home, I explained more of this in my last post

I try to avoid my family at times now if I’m honest, it isn’t a contest, but sometimes it does almost feel like a competition for who’s the most ill, or worse off, its hard to have your own moment, just a moment when its not all about someone else, or when the only reply you get is, so am I

As I mentioned before, next thursday is my mum birthday, its the first time in a while that we’ll all be coming together as a family again, I’m slightly dreading it, but time will tell

New Short Story: Tell Me I’m Beautiful

Here it is, my new short story ‘tell me I’m beautiful’ I finished it quicker than I thought I would

Hope you enjoy it :)

‘tell me you want me’

‘I want you’

‘Tell me you need me’

‘I need you’

‘Tell me I’m beautiful’

‘You’re beautiful’

‘Liar!.. You’re still thinking of her, you don’t want me, you want her’

‘Shannon no!

The memory fades…

A pale face reflects back in the cracked mirror, the smeared lipstick and running mascara, the telling signs of a girl lost in darkness

‘I’m beautiful, I am beautiful’ the teary whimpering voice of a girl echoing through the dark hall ways

Her blonde hair moving slowly through an old brush’

One year later:

‘Mum, please stop staring at me’

‘Don’t be like that shannon, I’ve just missed you so much, I’m so proud of how far you’ve come’

Shannon moved further over on the back seat, blocking her mums view of her in the rear-view mirror

‘If you cared that much, you would have come to visit me in the hospital, you didn’t come once mum, not once, not even a phone call’

‘… You know I couldn’t, the doctors wouldn’t allow it, you know this, it was part of your recovery, no reminders of your past until you got better’

‘Better’ shannon smirked

Better, that word swirled in shannons mind as it drifted back

‘You should have more confidence in yourself shannon, you’re a really pretty, smart young woman with her whole life ahead of her’

‘Really doctor, you think I’m pretty’

‘Very much so’

Shannons mothers voice then suddenly snapped her out of her daze

‘The doctors were amazed and praising you for such a fast turn around, they never thought you’d come this far so soon’

The rest of the journey was in silence, and though the two woman weren’t speaking they both were smiling, one with pride, the other ominously

‘Here we are, home sweet home’

‘Yeah for three days, then its back to the hospital again’ shannon relied sarcastically

‘Let’s not fight, can we just make the most of it’ her mum said feeling the tension

‘Yeah ok tomorrow, right now, its been a long day an I just need sleep’ shannon grabbed her bags an headed to her room

‘Just shout if you want anything up’ her mum shouted up after her

Shannon hesitated before walking into her room, it was the first time she’d been back here since her psychotic down ‘breathe shannon’

The room was just how she remembered, but somehow lifeless, empty, walking to her bed, she caught a glimpse of herself in the long mirror ‘its just a mirror’ with a deep breath she turned to face it, the more she stared at her reflection, the more her thoughts began to swirl

No one will ever want you, you’re a monster, you’re crazy, you’ll end up alone when people realise what you really are

‘Stop it’ shannon shouted lifting a sheet and throwing it over the mirror

‘Did you call me’ she heard her mum shout from downstairs ‘no mum’ she said hoping her mum wouldn’t come up to check on her

Shannon fell back on the bed as her mind drifted back again

‘She’s so pretty’ shannon thought angrily as she flipped the pages of another magazine ‘I wish I had a body like hers, her eyes, her smile’

‘I bet he’d chose her over me, I should be the one in these magazines, I should be the one he wants’

Angrily she grabbed the nearby pair of scissors, now screaming and scratching at the magazine models eyes, grabbing at the pages tearing them out, throwing the magazines off the bed hyper-ventilating in tears

The memory faded as shannon drifted into a deep sleep

Day One

After a day of bad tv, a quiet dinner with her mum, an the swirling thoughts in her head, shannon was crawling the walls ‘I need to get out, I need to get out of this house’

Stealing a bottle of her mums wine, shannon got dressed, slowly losing her inhabitations, she gave herself a final look in the mirror ‘you’re beautiful’ she said smiling at her reflection

Leaving, shannon met her mum at the bottom of the stairs ‘Why are you all dressed up’

‘I’m going out’

Her mum looked worried ‘At this time, its getting late, where are you going’

‘Just a club, I need to get out, just for a while, I won’t be long I promise, you can trust me I’ll be fine, I won’t drink, I’ve ordered a taxi, I’ll get one home’

Her mum hesitated, but she knew this was part of her daughters recovery ‘I do trust you, just.. Be careful’

Reaching the club, shannon walked to the bar an ordered herself a drink, as her head began to swirl from the alcohol, a couple on the dance floor caught her eye ‘he’s cute’ she thought ‘an she’s… perfect’ her mind began to race imagining herself as the woman in pink on the dance floor ‘would he want me’ she thought

Her mind drifted back again

Shannon, do you know why you’re here’

‘I… I tried to kill my boyfriend’

‘Your jealousy and obsession drove you to murder’

Shannon ran to the bathroom, locking herself in one of the cubicles, she began to cry and her mind seemed to take control ‘…Its not you, its her, she made you feel this way, she’s the one to blame’ whipping herself into an hysterical jealousy fuelled frenzy she left the club an ran home

Reaching home, she steadied her nerves, ‘you’re home early’ she was hoping to avoid her mum ‘yeah, told you’ shannon forcing a smile, her mum grew slightly suspicious, but decided not to push it

Shannon sat on her bed, taking deep breaths ‘I know he’d want me’ the same thought repeating itself, turning on some music shannon looked through her closet, finding a pink dress she slipped it on an began to dance, the woman in pink flashing in her mind the whole time, the way she looked, the way she moved ‘I can be just like her, an then he’d want me’

Day Two

Shannon awoke that morning the night before like a bad dream, still in her pink dress an the CD player skipping in the background, realising she’d passed out

Washing of the night before, shannons mind began to wonder, blurred memories and flashbacks from the night before began to play out in her mind

It was the woman in pink, laughing, dancing, so beautiful, the way she looked, the way she moved, then the flashbacks took a darker turn, shannon was now following the woman, feelings of anger, resentment an jealousy surging within her ‘I didn’t follow her home’ shannon thought ‘no I… I came straight home.. Didn’t I?

The thoughts wouldn’t leave her mind, trying to block them, and the confusion out, she grabbed the bottle of wine she’d stole from her mother, finishing It off ‘it was a dream, just a dream’ she kept repeating to herself

Getting dressed, shannon needed to get out again, her thoughts wouldn’t leave her alone

‘Mum, I’m going out for a run’ she shouted, leaving before a reply, running was a thing she did in the past when her thoughts were so loud she couldn’t hear herself think

Shannon had been running for some time, stopping, she looked around, now realising she had no clue where she was, she looked around to see if she could find someone to ask for directions, hearing a door opening behind her, she slowly turned around, then suddenly froze, it was the woman in pink, all shannon could think to do was turn and run, her thoughts now louder than ever, now realising it couldn’t all have been just a dream

Finding her way eventually, shannon passed an off licence on her way home, an inner voice seemingly luring her in, leaving the shop an finally reaching home, she quickly ran up to her room before her mum could see the alcohol, spying her medication on the bedside locker, she grabbed them an threw them in the bin ‘who needs those when I have this’ she thought, stashing a bottle of vodka under her pillow

That night, after ignoring her mum all day, shannon pulled out the bottle of vodka ‘this is my real recovery’ she said putting on some music, dancing and throwing back the vodka at an alarming rate, she caught sight of the pink dress she’d earlier tossed on the floor ‘all eyes on me’

Falling back on her bed, her head and room spinning, she thought she might throw up, grabbing the bin, she noticed the medication she’d earlier thrown away, without giving it a second thought she removed the tablets, now washing them down with more vodka

She had only one thing on her mind now, the club, leaving the house, this time she didn’t even tell her mum she was leaving ‘are you ok miss’ asked an elderly couple on the way ‘what do you care’ shannon laughed

Reaching the club, she gathered herself together to make sure she’d get in, the loud music, the lights, the vodka and medication, shannon was now completely intoxicated, after a bit of dancing and more drinks, shannon noticed the guy and woman in pink again on the dance floor, the jealousy again surging within her

Moving onto the dance floor, the woman in pink was now nowhere to be seen, shannon knew this was her moment, approaching the guy now dancing alone, she began to dance for him, luring him in, whispering in his ear, grabbing his shirt and leading him off the dance floor

Shannon pulled the guy into the woman’s bathroom, locking them both in a cubicle, after some time the guy left smiling, shannon now fixing her dress ‘what have I done’ she thought, she felt dirty, she felt guilt

Looking at herself in the bathroom mirror, she could barely see her reflection as the medication and alcohol took a stronger hold

‘He doesn’t want you, he never did, he used you’ the voices in her mind echoed, gripping the edge of the sink in so much anger she broke a nail ‘no’ she shouted back to the voices ‘he’s with her again’ the reply, in a fit of rage she grabbed the nearby waste bin, throwing it at her reflection, shattering the mirror to pieces

Grabbing a piece of glass, she squeezed it until it cut into skin, making her bleed, she now looked at her bleeding hand breathing deeply

The bathroom door opened, shannon looked up in shock, her blurred vision affecting her sight ‘are you ok’ the woman asked, it was the woman in pink ‘ok… Am I ok’ shannon laughed ‘that’s the question you should be asking…’

Shannon grabbed another piece of mirror, now approaching the woman in pink she quickly grabbed her hair, pulling her head down, driving the piece of mirror into her stomach ‘now I’m ok’

As shannon began to regain her senses a little, she realised what she’d done, looking at her hands, now covered in blood, the woman in pink now lying on the floor

The fear, the adrenalin, the alcohol and medication all became too much, her head dizzy, everything went black

Day Three

Shannon found herself standing in a long dark hall way, a dimly lit room the only real light in the distance, a womans voice now calling her name

Moving slowly toward the door, the light growing darker, shannons mind was working over time ‘that voice… So familiar’

Pushing open the door, there lay a lifeless body on the floor, ‘the bathroom from the club’ she thought, shannon stood in the door way, too afraid to take another step, the womans face was hard to make out, almost a blur, shannon gasped realising what she was looking at, the blonde hair, the pink dress

Shannon tried to turn, to run, but she couldn’t, something wouldn’t let her, something was drawing her in, ‘hello’ shannon said hesitantly, not really knowing what else to say, no reply… Shannon slowly started walking toward the body, suddenly the head turned, making shannon jump, but at the same time froze her to the spot

‘No… No… I killed you’ shannon could hardly breath now as the woman on the floor began to move, began to get up, the blonde hair now completely covering her face, shannon tried to run, again she felt frozen to the spot

As the woman drew nearer, the pink dress suddenly started turning a dark red, as it became soaked with blood, reaching for her stomach the woman in pink removed a large piece of glass

‘Please.. Please don’t’ shannon could hardly say the words

The woman in pink stopped, and holding the jagged piece of glass now looked up at shannon, the blonde hair moving away from her face ‘no… No it can’t be’ she shouted in complete shock at what she saw, shannon was now staring back at herself ‘I’m the woman in pink’

Shannon closed her eyes ‘this isn’t real, this isn’t real, this isn’t real’ she kept repeating over an over, slowly opening her eyes again, shannon gasped as she was now the one holding the piece of glass, standing over her own body, who was looking back at her with the most evil of smiles

Shannon screamed as the dream faded…

‘Shannon… Shannon’

Hearing her name shannon slowly came too, looking around she quickly realised she was in a hospital bed, her mum by her side ‘where am I… What happened’ now becoming confused ‘mum’ she asked

‘Yeah honey its me’ her mum replied now taking her hand ‘what happened’ shannon asked again

‘Don’t you remember, shannon you were attacked’

‘Attacked’ shannon asked

‘Yeah sweetie, you were found in the bathroom of the club, someone attacked you, you’re lucky you were found just in time, but you’re going to be ok’

‘Can you remember anything…’ Her mind a blur, her memory a blank, shannon just nodded

‘When the doctors were bringing you in they said you were mumbling something about a woman in pink, about hurting her, trying to kill her, what did you do shannon, who did you try to kill’

Shannon tried to sit up, a piercing pain in her stomach making her wince, pulling back the blanket, a bandage on her stomach now soaking in blood, the night before flashed through her mind as she looked up in shock ‘myself’

Lifes A Funny Old Thing

Today as I was getting ready to go into town, I was looking in the mirror fixing my hair, and although I haven’t changed that much over the years, it was like looking at my younger self again, the me from about ten years ago, it must have been the face I was making without realising it

That moment was so strange, because it was like looking at someone else, someone you remember, maybe from memory, or from a photograph

I imagine sometimes if I could wake up in the body of myself say ten years from now, where would I be, what would my life be like, I used to think this way when I was younger, time never moved fast enough for me

Being silly one day I closed my eyes, when I opened them I imagined that me from ten years ago was now in the present day, I guess it helps cut through your denial, was I happy with what I saw, no, coupled with all my memories of the last ten years, I now know the answer to the question I wondered back then

I don’t really like to look back unless I have to, i like to think that each day is a new beginning, what happened yesterday was the me from that day, today is another version of myself, maybe its a coping mechanism I don’t know

I’m just in a weird head space right now, I feel like I’m moving forward while standing still, I’m trying to live, but I feel so trapped

Today I took a nice walk, by myself, I like when I get moments where I feel like I can actually breathe, time where I can actually think clearly, you can’t run from yourself, but its strange how you can walk off your problems sometimes, maybe its the extra oxygen to your brain

Anyway, enough of my rambling

Yesterday my older brother was drinking again asking me for money, but this time I said no, an stuck to it, I was actually surprised that he didn’t fight me on it

Later on, I got a phone call from my younger brother also drinking and also asking for money, he had fallen out with his girlfriend again, she recently found out she’s pregnant, so that was drama enough in itself

They always make mum put me on the phone, where they beg an beg until I eventually give in, but this time I’d had enough, since I was awarded my claim in december, I haven’t had a moments peace, for seven months now I’ve been constantly asked for money an its really beginning to stress me out, I can’t get peace to enjoy it, sometimes I wish I’d never gotten it at all

So when I took the call, my younger brother wanted me to lend him the money for a taxi, he started telling me he was suicidal an that he needed to get away, that he wanted to come here an talk to mum, I knew he just wanted to get here so he could drink with our older brother

During the call, i told him that mum was only on the other end of the phone if he wanted to talk, that he needed to grow up, that part of growing up means you have to deal with your problems instead of running from them, he wouldn’t listen, so I just told him there was no talking to him, that he was only waiting to hear the answer he wanted

When I said I wasn’t going to do it, he told me to go ‘F’ myself, I later found out he was going to phone the taxi anyway, in doing so trying to force me to pay for it, one minute my older brother was telling us not to lend him the money, then within an hour, he was ringing asking could anyone lend it

He eventually got a lift by giving some man an old phone that doesn’t even work, in exchange for a lift

This is what its like for me, I’ve done so much for them an when I say no they turn on me

As I told you before, last time I said no to my older brother, he said I wasn’t getting a penny of the money he owed me, an that there was nothing I could do about it, an that he was going to land down to our house, to do what, I don’t know, but its pretty obvious

My aunt an younger brother have also told me lies to get money from me, my aunt lied that she needed money to keep her going, but really it was to get money for my older brother, who I’d already said no to, my younger brother said he an his girlfriend needed money as they didn’t have food in the house, his girlfriend told me it was a lie, that she always puts money away for things like that

Just the other day, my younger brother said that he was having a hard time with money lately, but I’m constantly hearing he drinks an gambles it, sometimes putting on two hundred pound football bets, but yet he can’t pay me

Even my mum fell out with me once over this money, that day my aunt had asked for a loan, I told her no, my mum an step dad are always saying its not fair to me, an they know how stressful it is for me, an how its making me ill, but mum still asks me, that day I said its not fair that its one rule for one an not for the other, she got angry, was quite rude, an we didn’t talk for about two days

It takes a lot of emotional strength when you have to go through one of these phone calls, an fall outs, usually I give in, because its easier to say yes than to be put through the stress of it all, every time they use emotional blackmail to wear you down

Today my younger brother needed a way home after his night of drinking, as he always does, he comes here to town, drinks an then clears off back home to his girlfriend, his birthday is in less than two weeks, so he asked me for the money I was giving him early, I agreed because he was getting it anyway, he apologised for the way he spoke to me, I just said yeah to the next time

My mums birthday is in ten days, that’s the next time we’ll all be coming together again as a family, there’s that feeling of dread, of what might happen, because in this family, you never know

To finnish this post, I’m going to start another short story soon, I enjoyed my last one, so I thought I’d write another

This one will be a lot darker, it will be based around a woman who to look at is beautiful, but she can’t see that reflected back at her in the mirror, she slowly unravels with the pressure she feels to be perfect, she feels the need to be wanted, but never feels good enough, her jealously and delusion slowly pushing her to the edge

It will be hard for me to write, as I’m not the best writer, but its a challenge, the first teaser/preview I hope will be ready this friday, so if you enjoyed my last short story ‘legend of the waste-land witches’ and its sequel ‘the coven’ stay tuned…