A Thank You Note: Words From The Heart

Gratitude is when memory is stored in the heart, and not in the mind

Its almost been a year since I wrote my first thank you post, an I couldn’t be more grateful for the support I receive in writing this blog, it invites people into your life who understand, an support you, who feel your pain, but also will you on in happiness, because they’ve walked a similar path in life

We all have our ups an downs, our good days an our bad, its about having the strength to go on, taking small steps that lead to a bigger journey, learning a little more about ourselves along the way

May you follow your dreams, an always believe in yourself, keep your eyes on the stars, an hope in your heart

I’ve learned a lot about myself already, yet I have a lot more to learn, we never truly stop learning new things about ourselves, its about being content with what we find when we look deeper that matters, an realising that there is a lot more to us than the hardships that come with the psychiatric labels we’ve been given

As I said in my last thank you note;

There’s nothing worse than struggling through in life an feeling so apart from the rest of the world, not knowing where to turn, or where we fit in

But…
As long as we know that there are people out there who aren’t so different than us, an who know what its like to go through the same struggles in life, it let’s us know that we aren’t so different after all, that we aren’t alone in all this, an it gives us a little hope

Thank you for following me on my journey, of not recovery, but more self discovery, i wish only for you, what I wish for myself

Everyone who follows my blog, gets followed back, because I like to be part of other life journeys besides my own, an because it means we are in this together

The Things We Hide

You walk past a boy, he smiles and says hello, you sit beside a boy on the bus, he seems like a nice person, you see a group of people at the table next to yours in a cafe, they all seem close, one of the boys is laughing at some unheard joke

The boy who smiled and said hello, his heart is beating so fast, inside he is begging you not to talk to him, so he doesn’t have to reply, he isn’t seen to take a deep breath after

That boy on the bus who seemed nice, he is anxious, and feels out of place, hurrying the bus on in his mind so he can just get off, he isn’t seen to be looking out the window in panic

The boy at the table laughing, is so afraid to place an order when the waiter comes, so aware he is in public, so controlled, even the way he eats is acted so hopefully not to put a foot wrong, he knows he’s being watched

This person is me, maybe its you…

I wrote the part above a while back, and it made me think about the things we hide from the rest of the world, and how we mask ourselves with a smile

Or how a family can seem really close, but most of it is for display in public, while no one really knows what goes on behind closed doors

I’ve been thinking a lot about my life lately, as I’ve been dealing with a lot, I’m only getting over the flu, during which I’ve caught a viral infection, so I’m having a lot of abdominal pain, an having to take pain killers, I’m stressed and tired, an really just feel like crying all the time

Also its because of the money I got a few months ago, I’ve been asked non stop for money by my family, I’ve already lent out over a thousand pound, but they keep asking for more, I explained a lot about this in a past post ‘selfish ways’

I’ve now said I’m not lending anymore money, but its the lengths they now go to that are causing me even more stress

My aunt asked me to lend her money not long ago, as she was going to visit her daughter, who you know was adopted by another family, feeling bad for her I did, little did I know that some of that money was for my older brother, who I had already said no to, I thought that was very sneaky

My brothers girlfriend, asked me for money, saying she needed it to get a taxi etc back home because her granny is in hospital and doesn’t have long left to live, she even sounded like she was about to cry to me on the phone, so I agreed to lend her the money, I did say I hope she wasn’t lying to me

I’ve more or less found out since, although its true about her granny, she didn’t use the money to go home at all

It all caught up to me a couple of days ago, when my mum asked for money, I snapped an made a scene in the middle of a store, its so not like me, it was like someone else took over me, mum an I didn’t talk much after that, but have made up now, it did help open my eyes, I’m not a one rule for one an not for another type person

Mainly I snapped as I’m always telling my mum an step dad how stressful it is for me, an they are always saying how its not fair, I’d just had enough, an as I’ve said I wasn’t feeling well an was on edge anyway

My brothers as you know by now are always drinking, an that’s when they ring looking money the most, mainly for more drink, or to use for drug money

It only brings trouble around my aunts house, an causes stress for the rest of us
A certain boy I’ve mentioned in the past, who my brothers keep falling out with was brought around again, don’t ask me why, I guess its as they seem to need company when drinking, or the fact he’s a known drug dealer

This time they fell out again, no surprise, he attacked my older brother with a dog lead, when my aunt tried to separate them, she got attacked to, an is now left cut an scarred on her arm

He recently also hit my younger brother in the mouth with a cup, he runs away afterwards and then posts nasty things on facebook, they never seem to learn their lesson about being in his company, he’s bad news

On another note, yet still money orientated, it was my birthday on wednesday, my family couldn’t really afford to give me anything, as they were short of money or had made other plans for the next day, a group of people including my brothers and their girlfriends were going to watch a live darts tournament, the boys anyway, the girls went to a club, I was invited, but I know what my brothers are like drunk, so of course I declined

An I was right, my younger brother got really drunk, and started causing trouble for everyone, so most of them left an came home early, my brother effectively ruined the night for everyone else

My mum, step dad an I went out for a meal which was nice, but after everything I’ve done for everyone lately an they couldn’t be there for me, did upset me, but I should be used to it by now

Several times lately I’ve said I’m done with this family, and a part of me is, its time I got away for a while, I need to distance myself from my life and the people around me before I’m pushed to far, I feel like I can’t breathe sometimes, and I need my own space

Trapped In Panic

No one can really understand panic, unless they’ve been in the grip of it themselves, I only thought I knew what a panic attack was until just lately

Lately i’ve been having strange feelings in my chest, with everything else I worry about, I never really gave my heart much notice, I think finding out about someone I know recently having a stroke and being left paralysed hasn’t helped me from worrying and stressing out about it

I’d been having strange feelings in my chest for quite a while, which started in my lungs, but after a chest x-ray, it showed nothing wrong

As each night past, my symptoms started getting worse, at first it was breathing problems and slight panic, then it become breathlessness and nausea, for a while I thought it couldn’t be panic attacks, because I’d suffered with that before, and this was something different

Eventually with the breathlessness and nausea, it felt like my breath was being taken from me, my heart would beat so fast and uncontrollable, I could feel my chest tighten, a dragging feeling on my heart, an had pains down my left arm, I’ve felt like I was going to either swallow my tongue, throw up or pass out

With my heart beating so fast one night and becoming more worried about having a heart attack, I thought, this is it, whatever is going to happen is about to happen

I ran to my back bedroom window, breathing in the cold air, and listening to the stream nearby seemed to calm me, but every time I returned to my bed, the panic and symptoms kept returning

I spoke to my doctor on the phone, Dr C, she told me it was anxiety and panic, and to try the relaxation techniques I’d been taught, as I said, someone who hasn’t had a panic attack wouldn’t understand what its like, an that relaxation techniques don’t work, when you’re in the middle of having one

Gradually every night, things just kept getting worse, so I was sent for an ecg, which is a heart reading, it was normal, as were my blood tests and blood pressure

I went in to see Dr H today for a further check up, again its been ruled as panic, his amazing advice ‘if you think you’re having a heart attack, come up to the surgery’ I just said that if I was having a heart attack I’d like to think I’d make it in time

I asked for some diazepam, to help me, but he said no, that I should try to relax and maybe watch a dvd!

I told him that I don’t really have anyone I can talk too, my mums going through her own problems, my step dad an I don’t talk, my aunt never listens, and my brothers are always drinking

I must admit, since the ecg, and tests, I haven’t had another panic attack, but when I feel stressed, I do still feel it in my heart, I’ve been referred back to the psychiatrist again, but for now, I guess I’m on my own

Selfish Ways

A little while ago, I came into some money, after fighting for it for years and feeling like the day would never come, it finally did

They say money is the route of all evil, and I can kind of relate to that, having this money, has been one of the most stressful things I’ve ever experienced in my life, you can never do enough, you can never give enough

Its starting to affect my health, I’m having breathing problems, its affecting my heart, I haven’t had to deal with panic attacks for a long time, now I’m having them almost every day

Before I had even spent a penny, I had given my step dad, aunt, brothers an my older brothers girlfriend five hundred each, I gave my mum fifteen hundred, although I’ve given her a lot more since

After a while I also decided to give them all an extra one hundred, to put towards things they really wanted, so when the money was gone, I could see the things I helped them buy

My older brother wanted a car, my younger brother wanted a new tv, my mum wanted a new fence, my step dad didn’t want anything so I gave him the money towards oil, my aunt wanted her daughters name etc engraved on the headstone, not one of them used the money for what it was given for, but that’s their choice I guess, I’m not really bothered about that

Along with the hundred pound, my older brother wanted to borrow five hundred so he and his girlfriend could buy the car, and my younger brother wanted to borrow four hundred for the tv, so I agreed to that, my younger brother tried to push for more so he could buy a tv and a lap top, he’s also asked for money for a deposit for a house but I said no

My younger brother has since destroyed the money I did lend him, and my older brother has already borrowed two hundred from the five, towards drink and drugs, I’m very disappointed, I was trying to do something nice for someone, and they do this, it doesn’t matter if I’m getting the money back, or that I already agreed to lend X amount

Recently, i had to lend my younger brother another one hundred (although this is from the money I was lending my older brother for the car) so he could buy groceries etc after destroying the money I’d already given him, and he destroyed that too, his girlfriend said she knew nothing about it, and that she was getting paid in a couple of days, so he must have lied to me, I won’t be giving him another penny

I think to myself, these people, my family, they must think I’m some gullible joke, I’ve given them money, I’ve bought them things an didn’t take back the money, but as I said above, you can never do enough, or give enough

Some might ask why I would have even given in up until this point, but when my brothers are drunk or high, there’s no talking to them, its better to lend them what I know won’t take them long to pay back than to fall out, them sober I can handle

I think its best that the gravy train ends here, that I don’t agree to lend anymore until I get what I’ve already given back again, my brothers alone already owe me seven hundred

Before I even got the money, I knew this is how it would be, that I’d constantly be asked to lend money, that my family would see things they wanted, couldn’t afford and then come to me for a loan, that it would be like wolves clawing at a door

Money when given, should have no strings attached, but not one of them even bought me something, even something small to say thank you, and I think if the money had been in one of their hands, they wouldn’t have been as generous as I’ve been, and to be honest I’m regretting being so

Its been this way for years, my family waste so much of their money, living beyond their means and being foolish, and then turn to usually either my step dad or I for a loan, the problem now is, I can’t use the excuse that I don’t have it, although the account holding the money is miles away, so I could say I have no money available

When I first got the money, I had said, that I would take them all for a meal, as a way for me to celebrate, which I agreed to pay for, now I keep putting it of, because I feel I’ve done enough, and do they really deserve anything more from me

I have been gambling quite a lot lately, its silly I know, but its an escape, I’ll admit that, its easy for them to tell me how I should be spending it, but its ok when they take and borrow my money for anything they want to do

I might gamble a few hundred, but you’ve put the same up your nose

I’m twenty-eight years old now, I don’t need anyone telling me how to live my life, people should hold a mirror up to themselves first before they judge me and my choices or decisions

I don’t think I’ve properly expressed how stressful it is for me in this post, I don’t feel like I can enjoy the money, I feel like its been more of a curse than a gift

Its never ending…

(Keep an eye on this post for re-edits)

Tarnished

This post is of course belated, but my writing never seemed to gel for me, my minds been swirling for over a week, an I’m not happy with this post, but I’ll just have to accept the way its written…

As new years eve was slowly coming to an end, we stopped at an off-licence so I could pick up some alcohol, in doing so I felt this feeling of dread for the evening ahead

New years eve dinner, eventually turned into a buffet, it was fun having us all together, as it should have been at christmas, I had said that once mum an my step-dad were ready to go home, I was going also

My mum an step dad left right after the count down to midnight as they don’t really drink, an I should have gone too

That didn’t happen, I feel ashamed, an I’m just going to be honest, I ended up taking, I’ll call it ‘stuff’ which leaves it open to speculation, I said before that I would never touch stuff again, after doing so, there was no way I was going home

My mum has since said not to touch it again, because its just not me, an she’s right, I keep pushing myself to be somebody I’m not, an do things I never would, I get lost in the moment, I lose myself, which isn’t a hard choice to make sometimes

I just felt like if I had of went home, I wouldn’t of made the most of new years eve, an that I’d be missing out, like I do most times because of my mental illness an what comes with that

There was me, my brothers, their girlfriends, and some of my brothers friends, so about 8-9 of us, as time past an I kept drinking and taking more an more of that horrible stuff, the fun left, I started having memory loss, I became paranoid, and started to see things

I thought I could see someone hiding behind a tree outside, an thought someone was spying on me through the window, a picture on the wall looked like it was raining, I saw lots of people just walking around outside, an about thirty people getting into one car, I saw people running towards me, it was dark outside, but they looked like they were in sun light

It wasn’t scary, as I knew it wasn’t real, my mind wasn’t even making up whole people at times, some of the people I saw had strips of their body missing, it was like a cliché in a computer

After a while I was so tired I was passing out, so I knew it was time to leave, I was there from, wednesday, new years eve, until about half nine friday morning, I left an came home, others continued on after I’d gone

I don’t know how I got home, I was so tired an drained, I hadn’t eaten or slept, I tried to walk normally, but of course I was still a little drunk, an I smelt like I’d been running through a forest or sitting near a bonfire

I slept all day friday, an all friday night until half four on saturday, by then I was only just about recovered, I’ll never touch that stuff again, I mean it this time, when I came home on friday i almost cried, I felt so dirty, so ashamed, I never want to feel that way again

I can’t blame mental illness all the time, but its the fear which usually holds me back, and the regret among other things that push me to be impulsive and sometimes reckless, so sometimes its like I’m trying to live the time I’ve lost

Another Christ-Mess

On tuesday before christmas, I walked into the kitchen, to find my mum leaning over the sink being sick, with each moment that passed after that, she seemed to get worse, she was holding her side and crying in pain, I thought oh no its her appendix

I was scared, I was home alone with her, so I began to panic, seeing your mum in pain, and not really being able to help is such a horrible thing, something I hope never happens again, anytime soon

At first she didn’t want me phoning for help, but of course I didn’t listen, I phoned the doctor, and then for an ambulance, my step dad came home early, and my aunt came down to our house also

After a night in hospital, blood tests and scans, it turned out she had cysts on her ovaries, she was allowed to go home on christmas eve, she was told that because it was christmas she’d be lying in the hospital for days before she would be seen to, she was given strong pain killers to control the pain, and will hopefully be seen in 6-8 weeks for a follow up, so relief all around

Just knowing that she was ok was all I cared about, but knowing that we’d be together on christmas was even better

When my aunt was in hospital, not long ago, my older brother had a go at me for not visiting her, I knew why my aunt was there an it wasn’t that serious, I knew she wouldn’t be in for long, an I’d see her when she came home, but neither of my brothers came to see our mum, when it was a lot more serious, not to mention its our mum

No, they decided to drink, of course, my younger brother cleared off back to his girlfriends that tuesday night, but my older brother drank from tuesday, up until christmas night

My younger brother couldn’t make it for christmas, would it have killed him to stay over to be here with us, we barely see him as it is, as for my older brother, he came, still drunk, among ‘other things’ he barely touched the dinner, he didn’t even stay that long before he went home to continue drinking

Our christmas’s together have been this way for years, remember last year my younger brother invited that girl to come over that he met online, he’d never met her before, mainly it was because she was supposedly walking the streets alone, an he felt bad for her

Then i think it was the year before that, my brothers invited a boy that they keep falling out with to come, again like that girl from last year, they felt sorry for him, of course after a few drinks, they fell out again, an started fighting, my brother ended up falling into our mums new christmas tree an braking it

The year before that, my brothers went to our next door neighbours house, as my younger brother knew him, a fight broke out, an my older brother got his nose busted, that neighbour I heard is now in jail, I know crazy, we have new neighbours now, an they are nice people

I think its more strange when something happens at our house, as we live in a more private, quiet estate, where nothing much happens

Anyway, my mum, step dad, aunt an I, made the most of the day, it wasn’t the same, but I guess I should be used to these things in this family, now we are planning to have a new years eve dinner to make up for christmas, with us all together, this time it will be at my aunts, so its more of a gate way for drama

I’ve never really had a normal christmas, growing up in care I was with foster parents, and finally in a children’s home, I’d spend the day with my family and then would have to leave again, while there my older brother used to bully my younger brother an I, as I’ve mentioned before, my older brother wasn’t put into foster care, he grew up at home, I guess he was jealous that the attention wasn’t on him, he has always been quite spoiled, our granny used to give him everything, so he never really heard the word no

So In a way, i guess my childhood did prepare me for certain things that you can’t learn on your own

Roll on the new year, I’m hoping it will be my year of reinvention, I recently had a chest x-ray, I was worried about the pains I was having, I’ve now been given the all clear, little things like that, an what I’ve been, an am going through, do in a way, make you want to live more, and to appreciate life, all I can do is try… Right?

Christmas Wishes

The other day, just sitting in the back of my step dads car, looking out at the beginnings of christmas, the lights, the trees, even the frosty sparkle that christmas has, it made me think of, in a way how lucky I am to have what I guess I take for granted

There’s something about being on a car journey, an looking out the window at everything passing by, that makes you drift into your own mind and self reflect

I couldn’t help think about how out there this christmas, there will be people without anything, people who won’t be with, or have no family, people spending that day in hospital, the people sitting at home alone, and the homeless

It makes me think, about how in the past, at christmas and new year, people I know would go out and celebrate, my social phobia prevented me from joining in, and I’d sit at home alone, either eating a left over turkey sandwich, or doing the count down to midnight watching it on tv, seeing the crowds around the world out celebrating together, an I would feel so alone

If I think about it, that’s selfish, even that is a luxury compared to some people, for the year ahead, I really feel like I need to look beyond my fears, and illness, and learn to see the light in the dark

I have changed a little over the years, gotten a bit stronger, and have been one of the crowd the last couple of years

Still, i need to learn to appreciate what I have, an what I’ve been given, not to let so much of my life go to waste anymore, to be selfish in a good way, and live my life for those who can’t

Home Truths

As I sit here writing this, I’m waiting for my younger brother, who is currently somewhere in town drunk, to land to our house at any moment, and to be honest, I can’t deal with this constant family drama anymore

My mum and step dad were here also, knowing this, yet have decided to go out, locking up the house and basically telling me if he comes I don’t need to go to the door, and he won’t get in, its ok for them to leave, an leave me to deal with it, to sit here an pretend no one is home

Its nothing I’m not used too, them going out an leaving me home alone, with my illness and fears keeping me trapped inside like I’m in prison

I’m guessing he had a fall out with his girlfriend, and him getting drunk and coming over here is the result, we never see him anymore unless he needs something, yet tells my mum on the phone that he misses her all the time, we feel used

My older brother gave my mum a mouthful when she visited my aunts house earlier, mainly because they don’t want my younger brother coming and annoying them, my mum was seen to be encouraging the situation by telling him to come in the first place, but as a mum, perhaps that’s what she felt she had to do

My older brother has always had a temper, he takes it out on the ones he’s meant to love, but after thirty years of getting his own way, and being spoiled his whole life, what do you expect, you end up with an ungrateful monster

My younger brother did live with my aunt before he met this new girlfriend, and my mum hasn’t seen him in a while, that’s why she went to my aunts in the first place, thinking he was there, but he’s off with a man who’s well known for taking drugs, he always ends up at his house when he comes here, people who love to drink usually do prefer company

An that’s who will likely drive him to our door in the early hours of the morning, waking us up again

Drama follows this family everywhere, in the past two weeks alone, my aunt had to be taken into hospital to have a lump on her inner leg removed, it will take some time to properly heal

My younger brother is under investigation by the police, as a group of people got petrol at a station, never paid an drove away, later one of them told the police the car was sold to my brother, which it wasn’t, I assume the police thought my brother was a passenger, he wasn’t even there, but the cameras will verify that, and show it all to be lies

My older brothers girlfriend was taken to the hospital a few days ago with pains in her chest, at first they suspected a clot, but after tests, found nothing, lucky yes, but on the other end of a phone getting troubling updates all the while is horrible in itself

My mum recently got a letter, stating that she had committed fraud, my mum receives an out of work payment (after she had a breakdown an left her job) she went for an eye test, specsavers made an error in requesting a refund payment via the government, an now my mums being blamed, but she did nothing wrong, an all will be fine, once the investigation is done

She did however get some good news, she’s been awarded disability living allowance, after being turned down, she fought it all the way and won, after the case was reviewed by a tribunal of doctors and lawyers who went through a life times worth of her medical records, I’m proud of her for being brave, an not just giving up when she was so afraid of trying

On ending this, what would a post be, without at least a little about myself, I’ve been feeling unwell, pains in my lungs, chest pain, pains in my heart and abdomen etc I’m going for a check up on friday and I hope all will be ok, its scary, it didn’t help that I found yet another lump in my neck, so you can’t blame me for being a little paranoid, it has been playing on my mind, I hope all is ok

But christmas is coming up, I love christmas, I always have, though having everyone I’ve written about in this post, all together in the same house, there’s bound to be some fireworks at some stage

Also i got some good news, my claim money will be ready for me to lift hopefully by the end of this week, finally its all over, an I can move forward now, using this money which came from something horrible, to hopefully better my life in the future

Added:

By the end of this post, my brother had come, twice! That man I mentioned brought hime down, the first time he left ok, I heard him saying no ones home, the second time, he started banging on the front door, shouting my name, throwing stones at my window, an trying the back door, maybe he saw my bedroom light before I could switch it off in time, I just ignored him, an he left again