A Thank You Note: Words From The Heart

Gratitude is when memory is stored in the heart, and not in the mind

Its almost been a year since I wrote my first thank you post, an I couldn’t be more grateful for the support I receive in writing this blog, it invites people into your life who understand, an support you, who feel your pain, but also will you on in happiness, because they’ve walked a similar path in life

We all have our ups an downs, our good days an our bad, its about having the strength to go on, taking small steps that lead to a bigger journey, learning a little more about ourselves along the way

I’ve learned a lot about myself already, yet I have a lot more to learn, we never truly stop learning new things about ourselves, its about being content with what we find when we look deeper that matters, an realising that there is a lot more to us than the hardships that come with the psychiatric labels we’ve been given

As I said in my last thank you note;

There’s nothing worse than struggling through in life an feeling so apart from the rest of the world, not knowing where to turn, or where we fit in

As long as we know that there are people out there who aren’t so different than us, an who know what its like to go through the same struggles in life, it let’s us know that we aren’t so different after all, that we aren’t alone in all this, an it gives us a little hope

Thank you for following me on my journey, of not recovery, but more self discovery, i wish only for you, what I wish for myself

Everyone who follows my blog, gets followed back, because I like to be part of other life journeys besides my own, an because it means we are in this together

May you follow your dreams, an always believe in yourself, keep your eyes on the stars, an hope in your heart

Party Pooper

It was my birthday yesterday, it was my 30th… An I have to say, it was probably the worst birthday I’ve ever had, it wasn’t anyone’s fault really, as the time ticked on, things just fell apart, and I ended up pretty much doing nothing

For weeks I couldn’t make up my mind about what to do, so when yesterday came, there wasn’t a plan, though I had many ideas

My older brothers, new girlfriends mum made me a birthday cake which was really nice of her, as I haven’t even met her yet, mum my step dad an I had a nice birthday lunch, an then I went and lifted some of my claim money because everyone else had destroyed theirs

No one had kept any money, my younger brother as you know is now in prison, my older brother hadn’t even bought me a present, I ended up having to lend him money the day before

My older brother wanted to have a drink, I wanted to go to a bar an have fun, social phobia isn’t a problem after a few drinks, I didn’t want to sit at home an drink, I’ve done that in the past an it was fun, but this time, it sounded sad, maybe because this wasn’t just any birthday

I was willing to pay for us to all go bowling or something, just have a laugh an I thought it would help me get to know my brothers girlfriend, who I had only met the day before

I tried phoning my aunt, to get her to organise it, but she didn’t answer her phone, by now it was about half six, my mum had went out to visit my aunt, an do a message for her or something, my step dad was out walking the dog an he’s gone for over an hour, an so I was left sitting home alone

When can we be slightly immature, if not on our birthdays, I like to recapture the past a little, be silly an not act like a grown up for a day, forget life and the outside world, take the seriousness out of life until tomorrow when everything becomes real again

I am a 30 year old man now, an I know that, but these are the times when a family should come together, to me, I only moved home at 17, I didn’t have what most kids did, I celebrated my birthdays with foster families, not my real family, is it wrong to still want to make up for lost time, even though I’m not a child anymore, maybe its time to let go of that part of me, I guess i shouldn’t be trying to live my birthdays like I’m a teenager anymore, nut sometimes its easy to forget

A part of me was angry, that so little thought had went into it, from everyone else, we are a close family, there only is the six of us, the rest of the family don’t bother with us an we’ve never been close

Yeah I got presents, an mum put up balloons an streamers, but that all felt like it was only for show, like doing something because that’s what you think you should do, there was no love behind any of it, time and love is more important to me than any gift money can buy

I had two voice in my head, the one that wanted to at least do something to salvage the day and have fun, and the other who was angry, this is my birthday, and I’m the one paying to have it, in the end the stubborn angry voice won, so I thought F… It, I might as well do something

I ended up just going to the casino, where I lost quite a bit, when people wished me happy birthday, I thought, what’s happy about it, I felt pretty pathetic sitting in a casino alone on my 30th

Mum figured out where I was an joined me for a while, it was better than being alone, but I was just really disappointed, more with myself than anything, so I barely spoke, regret is a horrible thing, and I have many

Birthdays for me are special, I don’t know why, maybe growing up in foster care, it was the one thing that couldn’t be taken away from me, my birthday

My last special birthday was of course 21, but I was really ill back then, that was back when I didn’t like people looking at me in natural light, an would put covers over the curtains to block out any light getting into my room, I’d just have lamps on an always looking at my face in a mirror, its not as bad as it sounds, but it was a hard time for me, I think it was a form of body dysmorphia

My mum came into my room that night with a big bun with 21 on it, an a candle, I nearly cried because I felt so weak an pathetic in that moment, I was so afraid to live my life that I didn’t

I guess boring means no drama right? Its memorable, for the wrong reasons, but sometimes that’s what we need in life to motivate us, like how I spent so many new years alone, until I vowed never to again… Barring this year of course…

Well, there’s always next year… Or when I’m 40!

Cat-fished The Rant!

So as the title says, this is a rant, so I’ll understand if you have better things to do than read this, its more for me than you, but…

There was this little black kitten in our estate, an it was crying for days, sometimes it would try an follow us home on the way back from town

Every time we got further away from it, it would cry louder, I’m an animal lover an always have been, so the cries pulled at my heart, I knew it was homeless because it was so thin

I could hear it crying all night from my room, an I slowly felt more an more guilty, thinking what can I do, we have a dog that lives in the house, an I already have a cat, who also lives inside, so I knew we couldn’t take it in, if you leave the kitten at all, it cries, an I mean cries, louder than any baby you’ve ever heard, us having the dog, an my cat, who are kept separate anyway, an my mum an step dad not too keen on the idea etc I thought about all that

When I was younger, and was living with a foster parent, cats would somehow always come into the back garden, I don’t know if people owned them or not, but I’d pet them forever, an then they’d never leave, the foster mum still fed them everyday though, even though they weren’t our pets, they all lived in a dog house that the dog never used, I was like some kind of, albeit innocently speaking cat burglar, literally

Anyway of topic, so I planned to take the kitten to the vet, because they wouldn’t turn away a helpless little kitten

I’d already asked this girl who lives near me for help, as she had re-homed a stray dog before, but she said her life was too crazy for a kitten right now, even though I wasn’t asking her to keep it, but anyway…

The night before I was gonna go to the vets, I got speaking to a woman we have kind of known for a long time, I had a run in with her years ago, when she owned a charity shop, long story short, I bought a dvd player, an was told by her son that if it didn’t work, I could bring it back an get a refund, when I did I was refused an had to settle for a credit note

But in the meantime she said her son had already phoned her, an explained about the whole giving me a refund, ok I’m sure he did, then before we could use the credit note, which by then I had given to my aunt, she barred us all from the store, for nothing, she’s a con artist, an I know she was robbing the place blind, no wonder she went out of business

Funny how she always seemed to have a bag full of two pound coins when she went to the casino, and after the shop closed down, she didn’t, she’s a thief, but we are civil anyway, an it was about the kitten, not me

She said her daughter lives on a farm, so if I brought the kitten to her, it would have a home, I thought great

The next evening, I got the kitten, it was crying in the doorway of a neighbours house, wouldn’t have killed someone to give it something, if I could hear it, they all could

I fed it an then took the kitten in a taxi to the womans house, she wasn’t there, but her son was an, let’s just say he was an ignorant.. So an so, avoiding certain words, of course he didn’t want to take it, until I got him to get his mum on the phone, I handed over the cat, an I felt good

About two days later, I see the woman again, an I ask how’s the kitten, turns out the son left a window open an it got out, so I think hmmm its winter an your son left a window open, ok, he smokes so I guess that could be true

She says someone she knows saw the cat hanging around the leisure centre which is only around the corner from her house, an that she’d go look for it the next day

I see her again, these run ins are at a small casino in town, where she is most days, my town has nothing, literally, so when I’m bored I do go in for a gamble, its a bad habit an I’ll deal with that at some point

So I ask her did she look for the kitten, she went silent, probably thinking up a lie, an she finally says to be honest I didn’t, not before saying the cat probably had aids, an that’s why its so thin… Really, I thought there’s more chance of you having aids than the kitten, but anyway, I leave it at that

I see too much of this woman, but I see her again, by this time she’s already spoken to my mum in passing, an told her that the cats owner turned up at her house asking about the cat, that it was a little old lady that lives down near us

So ok, first, that’s a lie, but let’s just say its true for arguments sake, I saw the cat everyday for about a week, and heard it crying, the cat was thin, you could see its bones, so was obviously outside for at least a week if not more, the old lady somehow didn’t find it in that time, even though I told you I saw it everyday, I took the kitten in the evening, dark, in a taxi, a mile into town, straight to her house, an some how the lady knew exactly where to go? Are you kidding me

I was angry when I saw her again, but just said, funny how the woman knew exactly where to go, she only replied by saying, I was wondering that myself

But as I said, she’s a liar an a con artist, about two years ago she suddenly became a psychic, so she cons people for a living, she’s not so psychic when she’s losing money in a casino

The truth probably is, either they didn’t want it an just let it loose, or it did get out an they just gave up an couldn’t be bothered, the crying probably annoyed them, cause it couldn’t be left alone, but I’m left feeling guilty, I should have brought it to the vets like I planned

But she had said the vets would probably have put it down, an when she mentioned her daughters farm, you know… but I know the vets would have given it to a shelter, a cute little black kitten that was very affectionate would have been re-homed in no time

Maybe I should have tried to find its owner before re-homing it, if it had one, but from what I’ve told you, it probably didn’t, and re-homing it was better than it starving out in the cold and dyeing, where it was last seen, a lot of older people live, I hope some kind older lady took it in, that’s what I hope

They do say no good deed goes unpunished, an in this case its true

Booze And Bruises

You know me, I’m not the best writer/blogger, an I have a lot to cover in this post, cause its been a minute since my last post

As you know, my older brother split up with his girlfriend last february, and within two weeks she started dating an old friend of my younger brothers, I say old friend, because they fell out and ever since he and my brothers have been at war, I’m not going to go into the many conflicts between them, because I already have in other posts

(Without names, this is a mess)

About a week or so a go, it was all over facebook, that the old friend was fighting with my brothers ex at a party, another young girl had stepped in to stick up for the ex, in doing so, the old friend took a bat, and hit her across the head with it several times, landing her in hospital

Everyone else at the party, then took into the old friend, hitting him with anything they could find, also landing him in hospital, resulting in 15 staples and 7 stitches, he was able to leave after about 5 hours

About two days later, the ex and the old friend were back together, but on friday it was all over facebook that the old friend was dead, I didn’t believe it at first, but its true, heroine overdose is what people are saying, so its kind of shocking

Since my older brother and the ex split up, he’s met a new girlfriend, I’ve mentioned her before, an gave my opinion, when maybe I should have none, after all its not my life

Its just things like they’ve only been together about six months, an they are already living together, there was talk of an engagement ring, sadly an its a horrible thing for anyone to go through, but she’s already had a miscarriage, maybe two I’m not sure

A few years ago she had some kind of accident, and has been taking these pain killers called tramadol?? (I could have googled that, but I didn’t really want to)

I know they are painkillers, but I heard they use them on cancer patients that have come to the stage where sadly treatment is no longer an option

Since my brother an her have been together, they’ve been taking them together, I don’t even know if she needs them anymore or lies to get them, I don’t know, but a couple of weeks ago my brother had a seizure as a result of taking them, thankfully since then he has stopped

Anyway, my younger brother is just.. I don’t know, throwing his life away

He was staying with my aunt, after yet another fight with his girlfriend, who as you know is pregnant, an is due in about three weeks

He an my aunt got into a fight, they’ve never really gotten along, and aren’t close, but that’s where he runs when the girlfriend kicks him out, so, whatever happened my aunt grabbed him by the scruff of the neck, although he says she was choking him, so he hit her in the face an she was walking around with a black eye

He then had court for past offences, in which he was sentenced to 5 months in prison, mostly because he was being cocky to his probation officer saying he wouldn’t get jail time, once the judge read the comments, he got jail

He was in for about two days, and got bail, but has to be in by 8 everyday, and can’t drink, but in that time, about a week or so, has been doing nothing but drinking, and staying out past the 8 o’clock curfew

One of those nights, the police happened to call to his girlfriends house, where he’s living, and of course he wasn’t there, so now he’s breached his bail, and is in hiding, but only until tuesday when he’s back in court, where he will defiantly be sent back to prison

The police have already been here and searched our house, its not good for my anxiety, and with social phobia, now every time a car pulls up outside our house I’m panicking, saying that, mum told the police man about how I can be around strangers, and so they didn’t enter my room, even though my brother could have been hiding in it, so that was good of them

Well when the police were at his girlfriends, he wasn’t there, because he was here, drunk, he started a fight with our mum, calling her names and even though he said he would never touch her, he was making threats

Mum was asking him to leave, and saying if he didn’t she would put him out, and he was saying ‘come on then’ an things like that

He was making hurtful comments like ‘you’re ok when I’m giving you money’ which really hurt mum, and she was crying for what seemed like forever, of course I defended her, an gave her a hug

He never visits us sober anymore, he says he needs a drink or he can’t leave the house, but that’s only a new thing, so either he’s telling lies, or his addiction to alcohol has been the cause, ie, he’s more confident and fearless while drunk

The last time he was here, like a week before, again drunk, he started on me, and was threatening me, but unlike mum, I walked away, and went upstairs, because you can’t argue with a drunk person, he came to me with the apology, as well he should, but sorry loses its meaning after a while

Eventually my brothers taxi came an he left, and was meant to be going home, but got off in town and bought more drink

He was driving around with this woman, a known drug user, we all know her, an I’ve even been in her house once, one night when I was taking meth myself, which I regret but have no problem admitting to

They went an got drugs, I sound so old… But yeah, mdma? I think it is, she drove him to an old friends house, also a drug user, and when the girl didn’t let him in, he threw a bottle at her window, smashing it, an of course she phoned the police, I think that’s mainly why they were looking for him, but also for the breaching of his bail

In the end, he ended up head butting the woman he was with an who had been driving him around, he stole her bag full of medication, an other things, he took her wine, and forty pound from her purse, which he then used to pay a taxi home

Of course he has no memory of any of this, maybe people are different, but I’ve been drunk, and even drank for a couple of days at a time, with no sleep an I remember everything, I think its an excuse to dodge blame

He must have used her phone to ring mum, so the next day, the woman rang mum, and asked her could she buy her tobacco, as she didn’t want to leave the house, because my brother had left her face pretty bad, she says mum an her used to talk all the time years ago, an although my mum knows her, she can’t remember ever really talking to her

But anyway, we got her the tobacco, which she paid for, her face was pretty bad, her left eye is swollen shut and she’s all bruised, I didn’t think my brother would do something like that, I mean its wrong anyway, but to a woman, and also to steal from someone

The woman started saying I had gotten really attractive, an asking was I available an rubbing her arm up against me, which made me really uncomfortable, she’s also a lesbian, so that was confusing, but the poor woman I don’t think, even knows where she is half the time

I don’t wanna be cruel, but I didn’t want to be there, her house is a mess, she lives in the living room, on a camp bed in the middle of the room, the beds broken in the middle, an the mattress is black with dirt, when I was there before, it was messy, but tidy messy, she had everything in bags, but now it looks like all the bags were tipped onto the floor, and the place smells like urine

You could see the dinner plate an the straw beside the bed, which she uses for her meth, and she had tipped an ash tray onto the bed to get the butts for the tobacco, I feel sorry for her to be honest

I actually read this post to my mum, because sometimes my posts feel wrong somehow, like they make me feel dirty in some way, is it too much for a blog that’s meant to be about a journey of mental illness, but then this is part of my life and it does affect me

I sat an thought, what have I been doing, this all over shadows anything that I’ve been doing, truthfully I’m trying to live with a more calming mindset, as hard as that may be, but its not easy

I’ve gained like, 3 stone, I hate me right now, I’m not happy, an I have no self control, I’m coming from 2015, where I was ill all year, every month I had a new symptom of some illness, I think due to anxiety and somatic illness, I thought thank god that years over, come 2016 I get a virus in january, and I’m still dealing with this sleep disorder where I’m waking up gasping for air

I think when will it end, so I’ve been keeping to myself, I’ve been quiet, or boring if you want to put it another way, but I’m getting there slowly, I always bounce back, thats something I love about myself

Anyway, its my birthday in about three weeks, I’m turning 30! Not a big deal but to me its a mile stone in some ways, 30 years of life, its a long time to be living this… I don’t know what this is sometimes

Just my crazy life and my crazy journey through it!

Time For Change

I can’t be anyone but who I am

With another year ahead, it got me thinking, I’ll be thirty in february! How have I come this far already, its made me think a lot about life, and how I should expect more for myself, an how I should want more out of life, there’s a clock that’s ticking and unfortunately this one can’t be turned back

Its also made me think about my family also, a lot stays the same but a lot changes too, I don’t want to wake up one day an ask what happened to my life, as they’ve all moved on an I’m left behind telling the same stories as ten years ago

Last february my older brother was still with his ex girlfriend, who I had become very close with, we still keep in touch

Its one of those things you never see changing until it does, life is going to change an there’s nothing you can do to stop it, Its about moving with it an not allowing yourself to dwell, and be left behind

He’s now met someone new, I haven’t met her yet, but I’m sure I will, I’ve told myself I won’t allow myself to get close to her, I don’t have room in my life right now for someone new, I still miss his ex, my friend

They’ve only been together about three to four months, and I was told my brother was going to ask me to lend him money to buy her an engagement ring

He’s already living with her as he stays at her house all the time now, she lives like fifty miles away so we never see him, I think they had only been together for about a month, and sadly she had a miscarriage, its not my life so who am I to have a say, but these things are happening too quick and too soon in my opinion, but when you’re in love it can make you do crazy things

The good thing though is he’s cut down on his drinking, and he’s doing really well, he’s trying and that’s all you can do

My younger brother Is a different story, he has a really good girlfriend who is a really nice person and she loves him so much, she’s pregnant with his baby right now, but he seems to be doing everything to throw that all away

They fell out yet again last week, but have since made up, though in that time he had to come an stay at our aunts house, he was there for about three days, and was drunk for most of it, in that time he also cut his wrist and had to go to hospital, it was a bad cut but not serious

He keeps saying his time in foster care is what makes him the way he is, that he was bullied and molested, I lived with him my whole life, so I would know if that had happened

To quickly let you into his claims, as I may seem unfair not to trust what he feels happened to him, when we lived in the childrens home, he an a friend used to bully another boy, when the friend left, the boy they bullied became the bully, as for the molesting part, he was eight years old and a member of staff dried him off after a bath, and he says he took extra time around the private area, which is a common thing when drying off anyway

I know he’s crying out for help, but he won’t allow himself to be helped, he sees no one, and doesn’t take his medication, he would rather drink, and that’s when he does these things, he’s completely different when sober

My other family members are pretty much drama free, which is a good thing when you need someone to talk too, but hard at the same time to feel like you’re being listened to when they have their own problems going on

That’s their lives and that’s how they chose to live them, now I need a life of my own

Over christmas, for years was always full of drama in our family, this year was pretty normal, which was a surprise, my younger brother left early to be with his girlfriend, the only one who really drank was my older brother, but went to bed when he got home

We had fun, normal I guess, that’s what you would hope for, though for me it felt like something was missing, there wasn’t that feeling of christmas this year

This will also be the first time in years that for new years we won’t all be together, another example that things are changing and people move on with their own lives, I won’t be celebrating new years this year, not out of choice but I don’t mind

Years ago I promised myself I would never spend another new years eve alone, and I didn’t for a long time, I know this time its not through mental illness that’s prevented me from joining in on celebrating like everyone else, so its not really a big deal for me

Going forward into a new year I’m not making any plans, because its best to take one day at a time

I am going to try harder to create a life more separate for myself, because I do deserve to be happy, I never really allowed myself to think or feel that way before, as cheesy as it sounds, why shouldn’t I have my happy ending….

Happy New Year… xx

Its Almost That Time Again

Mortality is a cruel thing, it takes from us, everything we love, it doesn’t have a face, a voice, you can’t see or hear it, it comes quietly without warning, it has no heart so it feels nothing, no mind so it doesn’t care

Why, there is no answer, so much pain but only silence, all we’re left with are memories, but memories are like dreams, they fade in time an so we begin to forget

I wrote this above, in a moment of dark emotion one night, I kept telling myself to delete it and make this post less depressing, but If anything I’m honest and so are my posts, an i guess it sums up my 2015, the torment in my mind all year

An not to sound over dramatic, but this has been a hard year for me, more physically than mentally for once

I’m not religious, but I do believe, an people always say, god doesn’t give you more than you can handle, and I’ve come through the year in one piece, I could have given up but I didn’t, even at times when I felt really ill and alone, the fear I felt, the tears and the panic attacks, feeling let down by my doctors and the periods of depression, I may not have been dying, but it was tough

I never really admitted to anyone how tough it actually has been, apart from blogging about it, i just dealt with it on my own, an maybe I’m stronger than I actually realise

Its taught me a lot about dealing with loneliness, you may have people around you, but that doesn’t mean they’re with you

Going into the new year, I’ve decided that its going to be my year of selfishness, not in a bad spiteful way, but more in a, I’m turning thirty an I’ve lived my life for other people for so long, when is it going to be my turn to live for me

Now is that time.

I’m learning so much about myself all the time, I wish I had this awareness sooner, but life is a journey and we never really stop learning new things about ourselves and what we are truly capable of, I just feel like I’ve been drowning in this kind of darkness for so long, I’ve never given myself a chance, an most of the time we don’t have a choice, because mental illness isn’t something we can fully control

Today I could be on top of the world, and tomorrow I could be in bed wishing I was never born, so when we get those rare times where we are free and in control again we should live while we can, an only people who have suffered the way we have can really understand without judgement

I was going to add what’s been happening over the last few weeks, but I like this post an want it to stand alone, so I’ll add another post just before christmas…

Life Beyond The Blog

I’m always trying to add new things on this blog, so I thought, I’m telling you about my journey with mental illness, and recently I’ve started to share my early life, my past, so why not do a fun post for a change, like a get to know me, the person behind the blog

Its all light hearted nonsense, so if you hate that kind of thing, an have better things to do, I’d skip this….

I’ll get the story behind my blog out of the way first

I was researching mental illness online and came across a womans blog, ‘my crazy bipolar life’ maybe some of you know about it, I heard she took her own life not too long ago, which is really sad, but she inspired so many people I’m sure, me being one of them, her honesty was refreshing, so I decided to start my own

At first i didn’t think anyone would be interested in what I had to say, I thought being a blogger was to be interesting and funny, an though I have a lot to say, would anyone care

The name of my blog ‘tears of a loved one’ was actually the name of a book I started writing when I was about 18-19, it was about a girl called karen, and her mother who was a promiscuous alcoholic, they moved to the house karens granny had left them in her will, and were going to start a new life, her mum soon fell into old habits but eventually met a new man named bob, an became settled an for the first time happy, but karen found out he was a liar on the run from the police, using her mother and their home as a hide out, later bobs ‘sister’ cicel comes to visit and ends up staying with them, but we find out his sister is actually his wife… I never finished it and threw away all I’d written, It wasn’t good enough an I knew it (I’ve always wanted a book published) but anyway now you know

Blog facts:

I always try to be a little inventive with the blog titles

I don’t know if anyone has ever noticed, but I never use emojis or text slang in my blog like lol for example, if you see something like that in my blog its probably just a spelling mistake lol… (See I used it๐Ÿ˜€ this is a fun post after-all) when I reply to comments I do, an I do in real life, I just felt like I didn’t want my blog to read that way to people, I feel it relates to people better when it reads more mature even though I’m like ugh that so needs an lol in there! I could change it, it is my blog, but its just a silly choice I made

I wrote a short story on here called ‘tell me I’m beautiful’ the idea came to me when I was listening to music, I was listening to ariana grande, love me harder and imagined that story as the music video, weird I know

The most popular post on my blog apart from the thank you note, isn’t actually about mental illness, its my post about dieting and weight loss, thinspiration: diary of a serial dieter, dieting is more searched for on the internet, which leads them to that post

A search term ‘slave slapped to tears’ is probably the weirdest way someone has found my blog

Ok silly random fun stuff :O…

When I was younger I wanted to be in the circus lol what would I do, I had no skills… I could walk on my hands for a few seconds, not exactly circus material.. I still would love to go on tour with a circus, my love of animals inspired that

I, For some reason wanted to be a lawyer, I saw a man in a magazine, of course he was a model, but the way he was dressed I assumed he was a lawyer, kids minds huh?… I think I wanted a rabbit at that time, an wasn’t allowed one, so I imagined if I was a lawyer I could have my own place filled with them if I wanted

Then of course a vet… When I was about 13-14, I worked in an animal sanctuary for quite a long time, I was also in the st johns ambulance

I always wanted to learn how to play the piano, but never did

When I did work experience in high school I worked as a bus boy! Not very aspirational compared to others, I think I tried to apply for a job in this hotel before I’d left school, of course they said no as I was only 14-15, so when work experience came around I picked that hotel to work in, so not much to aspire to, but I got what I wanted in a way, I think that was more the point of it

I only lasted a day an a half an I walked out, I didn’t mind the work, it was how I was treated, the members of staff started giving me their jobs to do, so I was doing three peoples worth of work for no pay, it wasn’t right

Colour: My favourite colour is blue, it was green when I was younger, but that’s so typical, why couldn’t it be black, at least I’d seem mysterious somehow!?!

My eyes are green, though if you look closely they are blue around the outside

Star sign: I’m a pisces, which I think is the best one, what with our intuition and psychic abilities

Years ago my granny used to read tea leaves, before she turned christian, I loved hearing that

I loved my granny, I was her favourite, mum used to say she treated me differently because she felt bad that I never knew my dad, she’d give my brothers an I money, then call me back in an sneak me a little extra, she’d always make me laugh by being silly, like eating chewing gum an pretending it tasted yukky, one of those things you had to be there for, sometimes I’d stand of her foot stool and do silly dances to cheer her up, I miss her, she died when I was about 12, as I was in foster care I didn’t really get to spend time with her, only on a saturday for a few hours, its sad

Movies: lately I’m loving independent movies, I feel like they have to work harder with less money to tell a story sometimes maybe that’s why? My favourite movies would be psychological thrillers, or a good horror movie, I have a sense of humour but comedies annoy me sometimes, a good romantic movie is ok too sometimes if I’m feeling mushy

Does anyone else get annoyed when someone in a movie has to come clean with some secret but the other person has to rush off or gets a phone call, and they never get to tell them the secret for like ever! So annoying lol

The last movie I watched was last-night actually called ‘ask me anything’

Silly movie facts: the first movie I saw in the cinema was aladdin, the last was easy A, I haven’t been in a while…

When we were younger, my brother his friend an I, used to watch titanic everyday maybe three times a day! Why, I don’t know

Movies inspire my love of different things, when the mummy movies came out I was obsessed with egypt, or when I watched movies like crouching tiger hidden dragon, or memoirs of a geisha (I don’t care what anyone says I love that movie) they inspired my love of asian culture

I think zhang zyi is an amazing actress, I love her, I’ve also always loved winona ryder, I first saw her in edward scissor hands when I was like 9-10, then of course beetle juice and girl interrupted, she’s probably my favourite actress, I also like jodelle ferland

I did watch the twilight movies, at first I thought why is everyone so obsessed with these movies, an I admit I did get sucked in like the others lol

Ok enough movie chat already!….

Holidays: predictable but china, I’d love to go there, maybe someday, my favourite chef is also chinese, ching-he huang, I love watching her cook, exploring china, I loved that show!

My passport expired, an I’ve never renewed it

Music: I don’t really have a favourite artist, if I like a song I like it, no matter who its by, I do love adeles new song hello, but the last song/music I listened to was alexandra burke on youtube, a radio host had called leona lewis boring, an I thought what’s she been up too lately, so I wanted to hear leonas new music which lead me to alexandra, I love ‘the silence’ I used to play that on repeat…

Funny the only song that’s almost made me cry is christina aguilera ‘hurt’ it was the song and video together, at the end when she runs to her dad an he disappears, that was so sad the first time I saw it…

Anyway rambling…

Quick fire round…

Favourite food: umm boring but chicken?

Best feature: not really a feature, but I like my laugh, maybe as I don’t hear it as often these days

biggest regret: not living in the moment enough

A secret: I still stalk an ex’s instagram about once a week, I know its sad, but its not in a creepy way, is there any other way? that could be a regret too lol

My last hobby: I took singing lessons for a few months, not that I can sing, but I was offered a place in the music schools rat pack themed concert, singing ain’t no sunshine, if you know me by reading my blog, you’ll know why I couldn’t do it

Tattoos and piercings: one tattoo (wrist) no piercings though I had my ear pierced in high school, an my eyebrow a few years ago

Bad habit: smoking, I know its not a good thing, when I was in the childrens home, a girl told me smoking would help me cope with the stress of missing my mum so much, I was 14 and believed her

I’ve used the age 14 a lot in this post, that was a busy year! I also saw my first psychologist when I was 14, and my first real kiss was around this age also

Pets: a cat, I love her

Biggest annoyance: these days, people who don’t listen, people who interrupt, and having to repeat myself

Favourite place: I love the beach, I think because its calming, whenever I’m near running water it makes me feel more alive somehow (and no that doesn’t include taps)

I’ll probably add to, an edit this post from time to time, but for now i think that’s enough for one day, its just to give you a little more insight into my life beyond just mental illness and a blog:)

My Story: Chapter One

Having a blog means people can follow you on a type of journey, they know your story, they can follow to the bitter end, but they don’t know where it all started, I’m not the best writer, but I’m going to be doing a few posts, or memoirs, to let you in to where it all started for me, and hopefully (if you can be bothered to read them) you’ll come to know me a little more

Chapter one is about my life as a young child, so it will be shorter than the rest as I can’t remember that much as it was so long ago, its more snapshots of my pieced together memories, but hopefully in sharing my past honestly, I can truly move on ~

My earliest memories are of my life at home before my younger brother an I were placed into foster care, mainly my memories are of my younger brothers dad, an how he loved to drink, and how he scared me, I remember little things like going to take a biscuit, and him using my fear of him to stop me from taking it, even though my mum was telling me it was ok, its like he enjoyed it
I’d sneak down when they were in bed and take biscuits then, digestives, I’d take one and eat it under the coats hung in the hallway, then I’d push the hoover to the front door so I would be tall enough to open it, I’d run to my grannies bungalow which was only across a play park between the two, I still remember sleeping in my grannies bed and feeling safe, other times, which I don’t remember, I’d be found asleep on her doorstep the next day

It wasn’t a good place to live as a child, I guess that’s why I’d always try to run away to my grannies, i’d seen mum an him fight several times, it was worse when it got physical, I still remember flashes of them rolling on the ground in the midst of a fight, I read reports from social services where they’d always drink and stay out, or have house parties with us upstairs, I do remember sometimes I’d wake up and go downstairs and find we’d been left with a strange man, he must have been friends of theirs, I still remember the man teaching me how to make a cup of tea

Once when I wandered off, I was found by the police, I still remember them talking to me, giving me biscuits an juice, and things to colour in, my brothers dad was the one to come get me, I still remember seeing his shadow on the wall, and then hearing his voice and being scared

I know he was a bad person, I’ve since learned he put my mum in hospital a couple of times

I still have questions that will never be answered, back then I was rushed to the hospital, with a V shaped burn on my forehead, the reports say that it looked like a hot iron had been put to my head, but my brothers dad an mum had insisted that I walked into a radiator, personally I don’t think a radiator would have done that much damage, I still have three scars on my forehead from that day

My older brother at the time was similar to how he is now, he was spoiled and had a temper, my mum had sent him to live with our granny back then, because she couldn’t handle him, he had put holes in the walls and doors, he used to hit our mum, and even at that young age he was quite cruel, it was the things he did, like knowing our mum was claustrophobic and locking her in her room, following her into town on nights out so she couldn’t enjoy herself and would have to come home

I remember him coming to our door one day and mum telling him to leave, closing the door on him

I think that’s where things went wrong for him, maybe feeling unwanted, and my granny had him spoiled, giving him everything he wanted, that’s also why he didn’t get put in foster care with my brother an I, as he had a more stable home at the time

I don’t remember being taken into care, but there is a photo of me and my older brother crying together, mum did say that was taken the day we were leaving

A few years ago, I read reports from my early childhood, which said that my uncle and my granny had reported my mum to social services, they investigated and ultimately decided to place my younger brother an i into care

I read that they had given my mum a chance to change, but I guess my younger brothers dad was too much of an influence on her, I remember her telling me that they made her chose between him and us, and she chose him, saying she didn’t think she’d find love again

Its hard to know these things now as an adult, but at the same time I don’t know the woman she was back then, I can only go with, she tried the best she could and sadly failed, no one is perfect, and I don’t hold it against her, it hurts, but its happened and its in the past

I don’t remember our first couple of foster homes or foster parents, that whole part of my life I have no memory of, I do remember the second to last one though

It was on a farm, it was a big white house, with a big front and back garden, I remember the stoned driveway and the two big black gates that closed of to the road, we lived there for almost a year, then the husband got sick and we had to leave

Funny I don’t remember the husband at all, I remember their two daughters, I can remember us playing together, playing shop with toy groceries, playing on the swing, bouncing around on my space hopper, I loved that thing, I had this frisbee with a silly face on it I always played with, I remember catching butterflies and trapping bees under flower pots, and being told off because my brother had copied me and got stung

I can remember slipping through a gap in the barn, sitting in there on this high up wall and watching the tractors working, the smell even

Me standing out the front by those two black gates looking off into the distant country side and seeing a red house and wishing I could run away there, thinking it was far away, now knowing of course it wasn’t, the smell drifting over from the neighbours house like the smell of jam

I always had my favourite teddy back then, it was one my mum had bought me, it was one of those dogs from the dulox paint ads, a really big one with long fur, I’d hug it and I can still remember that teddy smell

When we left the farm I was five, where we were going next would be our last foster home, until we eventually were placed into a childrens home

I don’t remember leaving the farm, I guess when you experience emotional things as a child the mind blocks out the memories to protect you

Somehow though I do remember the car journey to our new foster home, we were drinking juice boxes and the social worker made it into a game telling us to imagine it was petrol running the car, and we had to make it last the whole journey, telling us to duck our heads under bridges so we wouldn’t have or heads cut off, just silly fun

I remember pulling up to the new house, the woman I’ll call K for obvious reasons, was standing outside washing the windows, she had curlers in her hair covered with a scarf, I’d say she was in her late forties at that time, I don’t remember how I felt, I guess as a child you’re oblivious to most things, an then this was normal to us

This time we were only meant to stay for six months, but ended up living with this woman for six years, In foster care its harder to place older children, everyone would rather have a baby or a very young child, even though social services wanted us in a home with a strong father figure, they couldn’t find anywhere else for us to go, that’s why we stayed here so long

so once again a new life, and a new beginning all over again….