A Thank You Note: Words From The Heart

Gratitude is when memory is stored in the heart, and not in the mind

Its almost been a year since I wrote my first thank you post, an I couldn’t be more grateful for the support I receive in writing this blog, it invites people into your life who understand, an support you, who feel your pain, but also will you on in happiness, because they’ve walked a similar path in life

We all have our ups an downs, our good days an our bad, its about having the strength to go on, taking small steps that lead to a bigger journey, learning a little more about ourselves along the way

I’ve learned a lot about myself already, yet I have a lot more to learn, we never truly stop learning new things about ourselves, its about being content with what we find when we look deeper that matters, an realising that there is a lot more to us than the hardships that come with the psychiatric labels we’ve been given

As I said in my last thank you note;

There’s nothing worse than struggling through in life an feeling so apart from the rest of the world, not knowing where to turn, or where we fit in

But…
As long as we know that there are people out there who aren’t so different than us, an who know what its like to go through the same struggles in life, it let’s us know that we aren’t so different after all, that we aren’t alone in all this, an it gives us a little hope

Thank you for following me on my journey, of not recovery, but more self discovery, i wish only for you, what I wish for myself

Everyone who follows my blog, gets followed back, because I like to be part of other life journeys besides my own, an because it means we are in this together

May you follow your dreams, an always believe in yourself, keep your eyes on the stars, an hope in your heart

Time For Change

I can’t be anyone but who I am

With another year ahead, it got me thinking, I’ll be thirty in february! How have I come this far already, its made me think a lot about life, and how I should expect more for myself, an how I should want more out of life, there’s a clock that’s ticking and unfortunately this one can’t be turned back

Its also made me think about my family also, a lot stays the same but a lot changes too, I don’t want to wake up one day an ask what happened to my life, as they’ve all moved on an I’m left behind telling the same stories as ten years ago

Last february my older brother was still with his ex girlfriend, who I had become very close with, we still keep in touch

Its one of those things you never see changing until it does, life is going to change an there’s nothing you can do to stop it, Its about moving with it an not allowing yourself to dwell, and be left behind

He’s now met someone new, I haven’t met her yet, but I’m sure I will, I’ve told myself I won’t allow myself to get close to her, I don’t have room in my life right now for someone new, I still miss his ex, my friend

They’ve only been together about three to four months, and I was told my brother was going to ask me to lend him money to buy her an engagement ring

He’s already living with her as he stays at her house all the time now, she lives like fifty miles away so we never see him, I think they had only been together for about a month, and sadly she had a miscarriage, its not my life so who am I to have a say, but these things are happening too quick and too soon in my opinion, but when you’re in love it can make you do crazy things

The good thing though is he’s cut down on his drinking, and he’s doing really well, he’s trying and that’s all you can do

My younger brother Is a different story, he has a really good girlfriend who is a really nice person and she loves him so much, she’s pregnant with his baby right now, but he seems to be doing everything to throw that all away

They fell out yet again last week, but have since made up, though in that time he had to come an stay at our aunts house, he was there for about three days, and was drunk for most of it, in that time he also cut his wrist and had to go to hospital, it was a bad cut but not serious

He keeps saying his time in foster care is what makes him the way he is, that he was bullied and molested, I lived with him my whole life, so I would know if that had happened

To quickly let you into his claims, as I may seem unfair not to trust what he feels happened to him, when we lived in the childrens home, he an a friend used to bully another boy, when the friend left, the boy they bullied became the bully, as for the molesting part, he was eight years old and a member of staff dried him off after a bath, and he says he took extra time around the private area, which is a common thing when drying off anyway

I know he’s crying out for help, but he won’t allow himself to be helped, he sees no one, and doesn’t take his medication, he would rather drink, and that’s when he does these things, he’s completely different when sober

My other family members are pretty much drama free, which is a good thing when you need someone to talk too, but hard at the same time to feel like you’re being listened to when they have their own problems going on

That’s their lives and that’s how they chose to live them, now I need a life of my own

Over christmas, for years was always full of drama in our family, this year was pretty normal, which was a surprise, my younger brother left early to be with his girlfriend, the only one who really drank was my older brother, but went to bed when he got home

We had fun, normal I guess, that’s what you would hope for, though for me it felt like something was missing, there wasn’t that feeling of christmas this year

This will also be the first time in years that for new years we won’t all be together, another example that things are changing and people move on with their own lives, I won’t be celebrating new years this year, not out of choice but I don’t mind

Years ago I promised myself I would never spend another new years eve alone, and I didn’t for a long time, I know this time its not through mental illness that’s prevented me from joining in on celebrating like everyone else, so its not really a big deal for me

Going forward into a new year I’m not making any plans, because its best to take one day at a time

I am going to try harder to create a life more separate for myself, because I do deserve to be happy, I never really allowed myself to think or feel that way before, as cheesy as it sounds, why shouldn’t I have my happy ending….

Happy New Year… xx

Its Almost That Time Again

Mortality is a cruel thing, it takes from us, everything we love, it doesn’t have a face, a voice, you can’t see or hear it, it comes quietly without warning, it has no heart so it feels nothing, no mind so it doesn’t care

Why, there is no answer, so much pain but only silence, all we’re left with are memories, but memories are like dreams, they fade in time an so we begin to forget

I wrote this above, in a moment of dark emotion one night, I kept telling myself to delete it and make this post less depressing, but If anything I’m honest and so are my posts, an i guess it sums up my 2015, the torment in my mind all year

An not to sound over dramatic, but this has been a hard year for me, more physically than mentally for once

I’m not religious, but I do believe, an people always say, god doesn’t give you more than you can handle, and I’ve come through the year in one piece, I could have given up but I didn’t, even at times when I felt really ill and alone, the fear I felt, the tears and the panic attacks, feeling let down by my doctors and the periods of depression, I may not have been dying, but it was tough

I never really admitted to anyone how tough it actually has been, apart from blogging about it, i just dealt with it on my own, an maybe I’m stronger than I actually realise

Its taught me a lot about dealing with loneliness, you may have people around you, but that doesn’t mean they’re with you

Going into the new year, I’ve decided that its going to be my year of selfishness, not in a bad spiteful way, but more in a, I’m turning thirty an I’ve lived my life for other people for so long, when is it going to be my turn to live for me

Now is that time.

I’m learning so much about myself all the time, I wish I had this awareness sooner, but life is a journey and we never really stop learning new things about ourselves and what we are truly capable of, I just feel like I’ve been drowning in this kind of darkness for so long, I’ve never given myself a chance, an most of the time we don’t have a choice, because mental illness isn’t something we can fully control

Today I could be on top of the world, and tomorrow I could be in bed wishing I was never born, so when we get those rare times where we are free and in control again we should live while we can, an only people who have suffered the way we have can really understand without judgement

I was going to add what’s been happening over the last few weeks, but I like this post an want it to stand alone, so I’ll add another post just before christmas…

Life Beyond The Blog

I’m always trying to add new things on this blog, so I thought, I’m telling you about my journey with mental illness, and recently I’ve started to share my early life, my past, so why not do a fun post for a change, like a get to know me, the person behind the blog

Its all light hearted nonsense, so if you hate that kind of thing, an have better things to do, I’d skip this….

I’ll get the story behind my blog out of the way first

I was researching mental illness online and came across a womans blog, ‘my crazy bipolar life’ maybe some of you know about it, I heard she took her own life not too long ago, which is really sad, but she inspired so many people I’m sure, me being one of them, her honesty was refreshing, so I decided to start my own

At first i didn’t think anyone would be interested in what I had to say, I thought being a blogger was to be interesting and funny, an though I have a lot to say, would anyone care

The name of my blog ‘tears of a loved one’ was actually the name of a book I started writing when I was about 18-19, it was about a girl called karen, and her mother who was a promiscuous alcoholic, they moved to the house karens granny had left them in her will, and were going to start a new life, her mum soon fell into old habits but eventually met a new man named bob, an became settled an for the first time happy, but karen found out he was a liar on the run from the police, using her mother and their home as a hide out, later bobs ‘sister’ cicel comes to visit and ends up staying with them, but we find out his sister is actually his wife… I never finished it and threw away all I’d written, It wasn’t good enough an I knew it (I’ve always wanted a book published) but anyway now you know

Blog facts:

I always try to be a little inventive with the blog titles

I don’t know if anyone has ever noticed, but I never use emojis or text slang in my blog like lol for example, if you see something like that in my blog its probably just a spelling mistake lol… (See I used it :D this is a fun post after-all) when I reply to comments I do, an I do in real life, I just felt like I didn’t want my blog to read that way to people, I feel it relates to people better when it reads more mature even though I’m like ugh that so needs an lol in there! I could change it, it is my blog, but its just a silly choice I made

I wrote a short story on here called ‘tell me I’m beautiful’ the idea came to me when I was listening to music, I was listening to ariana grande, love me harder and imagined that story as the music video, weird I know

The most popular post on my blog apart from the thank you note, isn’t actually about mental illness, its my post about dieting and weight loss, thinspiration: diary of a serial dieter, dieting is more searched for on the internet, which leads them to that post

A search term ‘slave slapped to tears’ is probably the weirdest way someone has found my blog

Ok silly random fun stuff :O…

When I was younger I wanted to be in the circus lol what would I do, I had no skills… I could walk on my hands for a few seconds, not exactly circus material.. I still would love to go on tour with a circus, my love of animals inspired that

I, For some reason wanted to be a lawyer, I saw a man in a magazine, of course he was a model, but the way he was dressed I assumed he was a lawyer, kids minds huh?… I think I wanted a rabbit at that time, an wasn’t allowed one, so I imagined if I was a lawyer I could have my own place filled with them if I wanted

Then of course a vet… When I was about 13-14, I worked in an animal sanctuary for quite a long time, I was also in the st johns ambulance

I always wanted to learn how to play the piano, but never did

When I did work experience in high school I worked as a bus boy! Not very aspirational compared to others, I think I tried to apply for a job in this hotel before I’d left school, of course they said no as I was only 14-15, so when work experience came around I picked that hotel to work in, so not much to aspire to, but I got what I wanted in a way, I think that was more the point of it

I only lasted a day an a half an I walked out, I didn’t mind the work, it was how I was treated, the members of staff started giving me their jobs to do, so I was doing three peoples worth of work for no pay, it wasn’t right

Colour: My favourite colour is blue, it was green when I was younger, but that’s so typical, why couldn’t it be black, at least I’d seem mysterious somehow!?!

My eyes are green, though if you look closely they are blue around the outside

Star sign: I’m a pisces, which I think is the best one, what with our intuition and psychic abilities

Years ago my granny used to read tea leaves, before she turned christian, I loved hearing that

I loved my granny, I was her favourite, mum used to say she treated me differently because she felt bad that I never knew my dad, she’d give my brothers an I money, then call me back in an sneak me a little extra, she’d always make me laugh by being silly, like eating chewing gum an pretending it tasted yukky, one of those things you had to be there for, sometimes I’d stand of her foot stool and do silly dances to cheer her up, I miss her, she died when I was about 12, as I was in foster care I didn’t really get to spend time with her, only on a saturday for a few hours, its sad

Movies: lately I’m loving independent movies, I feel like they have to work harder with less money to tell a story sometimes maybe that’s why? My favourite movies would be psychological thrillers, or a good horror movie, I have a sense of humour but comedies annoy me sometimes, a good romantic movie is ok too sometimes if I’m feeling mushy

Does anyone else get annoyed when someone in a movie has to come clean with some secret but the other person has to rush off or gets a phone call, and they never get to tell them the secret for like ever! So annoying lol

The last movie I watched was last-night actually called ‘ask me anything’

Silly movie facts: the first movie I saw in the cinema was aladdin, the last was easy A, I haven’t been in a while…

When we were younger, my brother his friend an I, used to watch titanic everyday maybe three times a day! Why, I don’t know

Movies inspire my love of different things, when the mummy movies came out I was obsessed with egypt, or when I watched movies like crouching tiger hidden dragon, or memoirs of a geisha (I don’t care what anyone says I love that movie) they inspired my love of asian culture

I think zhang zyi is an amazing actress, I love her, I’ve also always loved winona ryder, I first saw her in edward scissor hands when I was like 9-10, then of course beetle juice and girl interrupted, she’s probably my favourite actress, I also like jodelle ferland

I did watch the twilight movies, at first I thought why is everyone so obsessed with these movies, an I admit I did get sucked in like the others lol

Ok enough movie chat already!….

Holidays: predictable but china, I’d love to go there, maybe someday, my favourite chef is also chinese, ching-he huang, I love watching her cook, exploring china, I loved that show!

My passport expired, an I’ve never renewed it

Music: I don’t really have a favourite artist, if I like a song I like it, no matter who its by, I do love adeles new song hello, but the last song/music I listened to was alexandra burke on youtube, a radio host had called leona lewis boring, an I thought what’s she been up too lately, so I wanted to hear leonas new music which lead me to alexandra, I love ‘the silence’ I used to play that on repeat…

Funny the only song that’s almost made me cry is christina aguilera ‘hurt’ it was the song and video together, at the end when she runs to her dad an he disappears, that was so sad the first time I saw it…

Anyway rambling…

Quick fire round…

Favourite food: umm boring but chicken?

Best feature: not really a feature, but I like my laugh, maybe as I don’t hear it as often these days

biggest regret: not living in the moment enough

A secret: I still stalk an ex’s instagram about once a week, I know its sad, but its not in a creepy way, is there any other way? that could be a regret too lol

My last hobby: I took singing lessons for a few months, not that I can sing, but I was offered a place in the music schools rat pack themed concert, singing ain’t no sunshine, if you know me by reading my blog, you’ll know why I couldn’t do it

Tattoos and piercings: one tattoo (wrist) no piercings though I had my ear pierced in high school, an my eyebrow a few years ago

Bad habit: smoking, I know its not a good thing, when I was in the childrens home, a girl told me smoking would help me cope with the stress of missing my mum so much, I was 14 and believed her

I’ve used the age 14 a lot in this post, that was a busy year! I also saw my first psychologist when I was 14, and my first real kiss was around this age also

Pets: a cat, I love her

Biggest annoyance: these days, people who don’t listen, people who interrupt, and having to repeat myself

Favourite place: I love the beach, I think because its calming, whenever I’m near running water it makes me feel more alive somehow (and no that doesn’t include taps)

I’ll probably add to, an edit this post from time to time, but for now i think that’s enough for one day, its just to give you a little more insight into my life beyond just mental illness and a blog :)

My Story: Chapter One

Having a blog means people can follow you on a type of journey, they know your story, they can follow to the bitter end, but they don’t know where it all started, I’m not the best writer, but I’m going to be doing a few posts, or memoirs, to let you in to where it all started for me, and hopefully (if you can be bothered to read them) you’ll come to know me a little more

Chapter one is about my life as a young child, so it will be shorter than the rest as I can’t remember that much as it was so long ago, its more snapshots of my pieced together memories, but hopefully in sharing my past honestly, I can truly move on ~

My earliest memories are of my life at home before my younger brother an I were placed into foster care, mainly my memories are of my younger brothers dad, an how he loved to drink, and how he scared me, I remember little things like going to take a biscuit, and him using my fear of him to stop me from taking it, even though my mum was telling me it was ok, its like he enjoyed it
I’d sneak down when they were in bed and take biscuits then, digestives, I’d take one and eat it under the coats hung in the hallway, then I’d push the hoover to the front door so I would be tall enough to open it, I’d run to my grannies bungalow which was only across a play park between the two, I still remember sleeping in my grannies bed and feeling safe, other times, which I don’t remember, I’d be found asleep on her doorstep the next day

It wasn’t a good place to live as a child, I guess that’s why I’d always try to run away to my grannies, i’d seen mum an him fight several times, it was worse when it got physical, I still remember flashes of them rolling on the ground in the midst of a fight, I read reports from social services where they’d always drink and stay out, or have house parties with us upstairs, I do remember sometimes I’d wake up and go downstairs and find we’d been left with a strange man, he must have been friends of theirs, I still remember the man teaching me how to make a cup of tea

Once when I wandered off, I was found by the police, I still remember them talking to me, giving me biscuits an juice, and things to colour in, my brothers dad was the one to come get me, I still remember seeing his shadow on the wall, and then hearing his voice and being scared

I know he was a bad person, I’ve since learned he put my mum in hospital a couple of times

I still have questions that will never be answered, back then I was rushed to the hospital, with a V shaped burn on my forehead, the reports say that it looked like a hot iron had been put to my head, but my brothers dad an mum had insisted that I walked into a radiator, personally I don’t think a radiator would have done that much damage, I still have three scars on my forehead from that day

My older brother at the time was similar to how he is now, he was spoiled and had a temper, my mum had sent him to live with our granny back then, because she couldn’t handle him, he had put holes in the walls and doors, he used to hit our mum, and even at that young age he was quite cruel, it was the things he did, like knowing our mum was claustrophobic and locking her in her room, following her into town on nights out so she couldn’t enjoy herself and would have to come home

I remember him coming to our door one day and mum telling him to leave, closing the door on him

I think that’s where things went wrong for him, maybe feeling unwanted, and my granny had him spoiled, giving him everything he wanted, that’s also why he didn’t get put in foster care with my brother an I, as he had a more stable home at the time

I don’t remember being taken into care, but there is a photo of me and my older brother crying together, mum did say that was taken the day we were leaving

A few years ago, I read reports from my early childhood, which said that my uncle and my granny had reported my mum to social services, they investigated and ultimately decided to place my younger brother an i into care

I read that they had given my mum a chance to change, but I guess my younger brothers dad was too much of an influence on her, I remember her telling me that they made her chose between him and us, and she chose him, saying she didn’t think she’d find love again

Its hard to know these things now as an adult, but at the same time I don’t know the woman she was back then, I can only go with, she tried the best she could and sadly failed, no one is perfect, and I don’t hold it against her, it hurts, but its happened and its in the past

I don’t remember our first couple of foster homes or foster parents, that whole part of my life I have no memory of, I do remember the second to last one though

It was on a farm, it was a big white house, with a big front and back garden, I remember the stoned driveway and the two big black gates that closed of to the road, we lived there for almost a year, then the husband got sick and we had to leave

Funny I don’t remember the husband at all, I remember their two daughters, I can remember us playing together, playing shop with toy groceries, playing on the swing, bouncing around on my space hopper, I loved that thing, I had this frisbee with a silly face on it I always played with, I remember catching butterflies and trapping bees under flower pots, and being told off because my brother had copied me and got stung

I can remember slipping through a gap in the barn, sitting in there on this high up wall and watching the tractors working, the smell even

Me standing out the front by those two black gates looking off into the distant country side and seeing a red house and wishing I could run away there, thinking it was far away, now knowing of course it wasn’t, the smell drifting over from the neighbours house like the smell of jam

I always had my favourite teddy back then, it was one my mum had bought me, it was one of those dogs from the dulox paint ads, a really big one with long fur, I’d hug it and I can still remember that teddy smell

When we left the farm I was five, where we were going next would be our last foster home, until we eventually were placed into a childrens home

I don’t remember leaving the farm, I guess when you experience emotional things as a child the mind blocks out the memories to protect you

Somehow though I do remember the car journey to our new foster home, we were drinking juice boxes and the social worker made it into a game telling us to imagine it was petrol running the car, and we had to make it last the whole journey, telling us to duck our heads under bridges so we wouldn’t have or heads cut off, just silly fun

I remember pulling up to the new house, the woman I’ll call K for obvious reasons, was standing outside washing the windows, she had curlers in her hair covered with a scarf, I’d say she was in her late forties at that time, I don’t remember how I felt, I guess as a child you’re oblivious to most things, an then this was normal to us

This time we were only meant to stay for six months, but ended up living with this woman for six years, In foster care its harder to place older children, everyone would rather have a baby or a very young child, even though social services wanted us in a home with a strong father figure, they couldn’t find anywhere else for us to go, that’s why we stayed here so long

so once again a new life, and a new beginning all over again….

Disturbing Behaviour

My mum basically summed up our current lives tonight, my brothers are never going to change, and we are never going to have peace…

Tonight my aunt and older brother had said they were going to get a taxi down to our house for a visit, as we are always the ones having to go to theirs, we knew my brother had had a few drinks, and I literally just thought.. ugh

When their taxi pulled up outside, we could hear arguing, turned out my younger brother had also come in a taxi for a surprise visit, also drunk, as you know he lives out of town now with his girlfriend, no one knew he was coming so how the two taxis arrived at the same time is just one of those strange things that just happens in this family

While I was getting dressed to go downstairs, I could hear them shouting and fighting, I could hear mum shouting too, telling them she didn’t want this in her home, and telling them to get out, my younger brother walked into my room then, with blood dripping from his nose, reaching out to give me a hug with blood all over his hands, I just thought this isn’t normal, I told him not to touch me because I didn’t want blood all over me, while he went to the bathroom to get cleaned up, I went downstairs to see if mum was ok an find out what happened

My younger brother came down shortly after that, and although there was still tension, my two brothers made up an it was as though nothing had happened, mum went upstairs to clean up after my brother, while I was trying to get the dog to come out from under the kitchen table because she was so afraid, I got her to follow me upstairs to the safety of mums room out of the way, where mum was lifting the mats in the bathroom, which were all dripped with blood, there was also blood on the floor and all over the toilet, because of the blood the bathroom smelt of copper, which nearly made me sick

After a while my older brother went up to talk to mum who was now in the bedroom with the dog, the dog was so afraid she pee’d all over mums bed, so mum had to strip the whole bed then

When drunk my brothers talk so much nonsense, mostly about fighting, but they started asking me which one I loved more an things like that, which of course I didn’t answer, my older brother started telling me not to talk to his ex anymore, after five years of them being together we became friends and I’ve stayed in touch, so I’ll do what I want, its my life, he recently went to his solicitor because he wants a DNA test done on their child, of course that stirred things up an I had his ex messaging me on facebook about it, I just said its nothing to do with me, an I’m not getting involved

I feel like I have to pick a side, although his ex an I have remained friends, we aren’t that close, the last time I saw her, she did tell she still loved him, but I also felt her anger, she told me she was going to phone the dog warden on my brother, and about a week later the warden did show up, of course I said nothing, but felt really guilty knowing the truth, I did eventually tell my mum

After a while they eventually left in another taxi to continue drinking together at our aunts, we were just grateful that they were gone an that our step dad wasn’t here, he was out with his son from his previous relationship

Just two weeks ago, mum my step dad an I were out of town, we sometimes go to this casino we are members at, just to get out, an as mum doesn’t like to go out much, that being one of the places she feels comfortable in

All we heard behind us was ‘hello’ we turned to see my younger brother standing behind us, he had been drinking with our older brother and just decided to come all the way to the casino to see us, these surprise visits are becoming a weird habit, of course while drunk

The member of staff that was on that night mistook my younger brother for our older one and told him he was barred, this started him off then, he started threatening the member of staff, and taunting him, my mum and step dad got him into the hall, trying to get him to leave, two men that were there, thinking it was a drunk man harassing a woman went out to fight my brother, though once mum said it was ok and that he was her son they said sorry and went back inside

Things got heated while my step dad was trying to get my brother out, from what I was told he sort of rugby tackled my brother, while my brother was elbowing him on the head, I heard he head butted him too, an that both of them were throwing punches

My step dad who was so hurt by everything, and feeling so ashamed at what had happened in front of all the other regulars at the casino went and sat in the car just wanting to go home, mum feeling the same just told me to get their money so we could just leave

My brother tried to say sorry, but when my step dad refused my brother got angry again, he started offering my step dad out to fight, calling him names and making horrible threats, eventually we left my brother there and went home and haven’t gone back since, they still haven’t spoken since either, and from the way my step dad was talking tonight, he’s still hurt an not ready to deal with it

In under two weeks, my younger brother an his girlfriend are going away to stay in the hilton for a night in belfast, there’s a big funfair on, shopping and bowling in the odyssey, going for dinner etc, they invited me to go, and I said yes, but my brothers already talking about drinking, and I found out tonight he told his girlfriend that it was my idea, I feel bad enough going, you know being a third wheel an hustling in on their night out, but now I’m more worried about what could happen if he gets drunk

I can only imagine what may happen…

I don’t need the stress right now, I can’t handle it, I’ve been feeling ill back and forward all year, its like my body is turning against me, I have a new pain or illness every few weeks and I don’t know how much more I can take, that’s partly why I agreed to go with my brother and his girlfriend because I need some kind of release from this constant hell I’m in

I don’t know how I really feel anymore, I’m so tired all the time I don’t think I even have the energy for emotions, tomorrow I see the doctor yet again, and although I’m always being told its stress and anxiety related, what more can I really do at this point

Storm In A Tea-Cup

This life’s dim windows of the soul, distorts the heavens from pole to pole, and leads you to believe a lie, when you see with, not through, the eye

Again, this is a post that was meant to be posted days ago, but anyway…

Last sunday, it was my older brothers birthday, he hadn’t anything planned, saying thirty two wasn’t really that special

We knew he had been drinking, so our thought was that we’d go up a bit earlier, catch him before he got drunk, little did we know him an a friend had already finished a ten glass of vodka, i brought a little bottle of coke, thinking there was vodka not knowing of course there wasn’t, I only planned to have one, just to join in and have a drink for his birthday

When we got there he and his friend were already drunk, and my brother was nearly asleep on the chair, his friend shook him pretty hard to wake him up, which of course started a fight between them, they had drank all the vodka and only had cider, so they left for the off licence to get some more stuff for mum an I, mum only drank WKD

I haven’t touched any drink since new years eve, so after a while I was getting kind of drunk, my brother and his friend continued fighting all evening, I was trying to help, thinking I was doing a good thing, telling my brother that’s not how you treat a friend etc

As their arguing got worse, my brother went to the kitchen to get a knife, I tried to tell him to calm down but he shoved me out of the way, hitting my back against the door frame

I can’t remember exactly how my brother and I fell out, what sparked it off, maybe siding with his friend, but my brother then turned on me, calling me a tramp, telling me he hated me, that our younger brother hated me, and would pick him over me, and telling me to f**k up, I shouted it right back, and all I called him was a bully, throwing it in his face how he treats us, but especially our aunt

After a while he started threatening to hit me, telling me to get out of their house, so I did, i was so angry and of course in tears, I’d had enough

I went into town, and ended up going into a bar, I had a few drinks, but I couldn’t shake what had happened from my mind, I got on the phone and messaged my older brothers ex girlfriend and asked did she wanna meet up for a drink, as we have stayed friends

Before I knew it, I was in a taxi on the way to her house, she’s now dating a guy my brothers really don’t like and have had many fights with, at the time I didn’t really see what I was doing as betrayal, I was hurt and I’d snapped, in the state I was in, I felt I had no where else to turn

My aunt and younger brother phoned me while I was there, telling me how worried they had been for me, I didn’t even think to phone to say where I was

When I got there it was my brothers ex, her boyfriend, and one of his friends, I brought quite a bit of alcohol with me, again in the state I was in I unloaded everything as soon as I got through the door, an I told them a few things I shouldn’t have

At one point the boyfriend asked me would I care if he killed my brother, it wasn’t done in a serious way, it was more about taking sides at that point, to which I replied, as long as my younger brother and mum weren’t hurt, I wouldn’t care, which of course I regret saying, the way he asked me was strange, I have this strange feeling he was recording me on his phone and will use that against my brother at some point, maybe I’m just paranoid, I also think one of them stole money from my coat while I was out of the room, but I could be wrong

A fight broke out between the boyfriend and the friend at one point, all the while my brothers ex was crying hysterically, and I was hugging the dog who was trembling, it was pretty disturbing

I’d heard stories that the boyfriend and her had fights where she got hit, and she had gone to the neighbours to call the police, it was the neighbour who had told me, they denied it of course, but the friend confirmed the story, which then sparked the fight, with the boyfriend hitting him repeatedly

The friend was thrown out, but came back a while later and they were all friends again like nothing happened, and starting making burgers, the friends face looked pretty bad, but when I asked him was he ok, he said it was just a bit of messing around

I felt bad for the friend, I knew him originally through my brothers, he’s just one of those simple people who although in his thirties is easily lead, and will be friends with anyone who will be his, because he doesn’t have anyone else, sadly in most cases he becomes their punching bag

later another fight broke out, this time between my brothers ex and the boyfriend, it all happened in the hall way, so I saw nothing, but she was crying and asking for someone to help her, I didn’t want to get involved, although she’s my friend I knew it was all fuelled by alcohol, I also knew this kind of thing happens between them quite often, so I felt it better to stay out of it, thereby not escalating things, because in no time they’d have made up, which they did, and I would have been left looking like the bad one

She must have left, or got locked out like the friend earlier, an was out on the street in her night dress shouting things up at the window

Later when the two guys had gone to bed, and my brothers ex had come back, she came to me crying, whispering to me saying she missed us, and wished she was still with my brother, that she was only with her new boyfriend because she was lonely

This isn’t the kind of thing I should be around, my life’s unstable enough as it is

I stayed the night, but as soon as I could leave I did, for a few days afterwards I just didn’t feel like myself, it was like I’d been pulled out of myself, it was like watching from the outside, where my memories had become like dreams of someone elses memories, I felt empty, lost, void of feeling, its hard to explain

I think because I’d been so ill for months, dealing with that day after day, the fear, and panic, I was ready to snap for some time, the vodka being mixed with my medication, my emotional state an what happened with my brother, was the last straw an that’s all it took

Once my older brother found out where I’d been, he went mad, asking me how could I have done that to him, and how he couldn’t believe I’d do that, of course while drunk, when I said the boyfriend had been nice to me, that only made things worse, he doesn’t care that I stayed friends with his ex, its her new boyfriend he has a problem with

He came to our house after that, I think to give me a talking to, I was a bit nervous about what was to come, in the mean time before his taxi arrived, we were actually getting ready to leave so we wouldn’t have to deal with it, sadly we were too late, but thankfully it wasn’t too bad, I stayed quiet most of the time, because there’s no talking sense to a drunk person

While he was here, he fell back on our kitchen chair, completely snapping part of the wood, when he fell, the chair hit the radiator and it started leaking, he just threw thirty pound at mum, and said that would replace the chair, after he left I phoned my aunt to tell her what had happened, she said my brother was waiting to get a screw ball of the ice cream man, that was just typical I thought, summing up how crazy our lives were

Since then he hasn’t even phoned to apologise to me or anything

After a few days my brother ex messaged me on facebook, asking did I want to meet up on saturday, to get something to eat, watch xfactor and a movie etc, just a fun night in, because her boyfriend would be there, and what happened with me an my brother, I had to make an excuse and say I’d think about it, even though its my life an should be able to do what I want

I did cause a bit of trouble, if I was pushed to admit it, I’m usually the good one that never gets into trouble or does anything, I’m pretty boring these days… I just hate feeling like I’m forced to side with my family all the time, loyalty is one thing, but why should I allow my brothers fights to become my own

I didn’t tell my family what happened at my friends house, well except mum, because some things are better left unsaid, why would I add ammunition to a fight

Things still haven’t been resolved, and after everything that’s happened, I know things will never be the same, for me at least