A Thank You Note: Words From The Heart

Gratitude is when memory is stored in the heart, and not in the mind

Its almost been a year since I wrote my first thank you post, an I couldn’t be more grateful for the support I receive in writing this blog, it invites people into your life who understand, an support you, who feel your pain, but also will you on in happiness, because they’ve walked a similar path in life

We all have our ups an downs, our good days an our bad, its about having the strength to go on, taking small steps that lead to a bigger journey, learning a little more about ourselves along the way

I’ve learned a lot about myself already, yet I have a lot more to learn, we never truly stop learning new things about ourselves, its about being content with what we find when we look deeper that matters, an realising that there is a lot more to us than the hardships that come with the psychiatric labels we’ve been given

As I said in my last thank you note;

There’s nothing worse than struggling through in life an feeling so apart from the rest of the world, not knowing where to turn, or where we fit in

As long as we know that there are people out there who aren’t so different than us, an who know what its like to go through the same struggles in life, it let’s us know that we aren’t so different after all, that we aren’t alone in all this, an it gives us a little hope

Thank you for following me on my journey, of not recovery, but more self discovery, i wish only for you, what I wish for myself

Everyone who follows my blog, gets followed back, because I like to be part of other life journeys besides my own, an because it means we are in this together

May you follow your dreams, an always believe in yourself, keep your eyes on the stars, an hope in your heart

Falling Apart… Slowly

I’ve been meaning to write a post for a while, but just couldn’t bring myself to, but after the last few days i had to share how I’m feeling

Im feeling really depressed, an ive just about given up all hope, lately an over the last two years my physical health has become worse than my mental health, every time id go to the doctors, he’d tell me it was due to anxiety, so after a while i felt like i was being seen as a hypochondriac, so i stopped going, and up until last week i hadn’t gone to the doctors for about six months, i felt nervous an paranoid, id make appointments an then cancel them last minute 

All my tests were coming back clear, so what was i to think, to do, every week it seemed like i had a new issue, a new symptom

I finally forced myself to go last week, he did ask do i want tests, to which i said whats the point, cause its all the same things ive had tests for, i did ask for bloods though, and for an inflammation marker test to be added into it cause something is going on, and that test helps with diagnosing Fibromyalgia, its not normal to be in pain an to feel so tired

He said i need to get out more, walk the dog, maybe get a bike or go for a picnic, to get a bit of a spark about me… i have social phobia, which makes it hard for me to be in public an around strangers, im 31 years old now an ive tried really hard to over come it, i just cant, they tell me these things as though it should be easy, an its not, ive been trying graded exposure for years, i have tried my best

Last night i went into town, by myself, and it was dark, you can see how that would be hard, a group of boys came out of a house, i could tell they were drunk, i went into panic mode, but kept going, they were on the other side of the road but i could hear them talking about me, one guy said i lived in his estate, an that i was gay, someone must have said how do you know or something,  cause i could hear him say look at how he walks, i guess saying it behind my back was better than to me but it was still hurtful

Ive never talked about my sexuality on here, because its never been an issue, not really, i hate labels but if i have to be labelled, id say i was open minded, not gay or straight, love is were you find it, thats what i believe, but being labelled is something im used too

When i finally got away from them, got my stuff an headed home, it was dwelling on me an i held back tears, i told myself this is when you either stay strong or fall apart, which is it gonna be, i pulled myself together, told myself it wasn’t as bad as i was making it an i was ok

Just as i crossed the road to turn into near where i lived, two boys came from a neighbouring estate, at first i thought one was saying come here to a friend, but actually he was shouting queer at me, that was ok at first until he started adding the word basterd an then saying i was specky, specky long haired basterd, i laugh now because its so stupid, he could have tried a lot harder an said a lot worse, an all those things are mostly true, although my hair isnt really long, just longer than those army type cuts they all get, the scary part was the anger in his voice, sometimes, as anxious as i am i would shout fuck off or something, but last night i had visions of them running up behind me so i stayed quiet 

It did get me down, i did feel worthless an like doing something silly, but im stronger than i once was, an i wont allow them to scare me, or stop me from going out etc now that ive come so far, ive never been a fighter like my brothers, ive never done anything wrong to anyone, im quiet an keep to myself, but that means little to some people in life

Though i wont be going out at night for a while, i wish the doctor could see all this and understand how hard it is an can be

Im tired of hearing, ignore them, be the bigger person, if they are calling you names they’re leaving someone else alone, Its easy to say when you have no idea what its like

Support from my family is lacking, but i know im not alone, we all have our own lives an problems, but sometimes they make me feel miserable too

My younger brother again fell out with his girlfriend, was drinking an had to stay with us, i was told how grey my hair was an that i have a double chin now as ive gained weight, makes you feel loved right? when even your family criticises you, i dyed my hair today, but it wasnt even that bad, they just pick at every flaw an it drives me crazy sometimes

My older brother has left rehab an is now in independent living, hes just away home after two weeks of living back with our aunt, lying that there was a family emergency an had to come home, really a girl that had been in his rehab was on the run from the police after breaking her bail conditions an she needed a place to hide for a while, she an my brother are sort of together, casually… She was handing herself in last i heard

In the mean time hes started taking pain killers an muscle relaxers, trading one addiction for another

My aunt is now running around an sleeping with a childhood friend, coming back after smoking joints an covered in love bites… My Mums arthritis is getting worse an i feel for her, but i cant listen to her talk about how sore her knee is anymore, i need to get away, this family is not healthy for me, im going crazy

I see the mental health team on the 8th of may, i need help cause i have no where to turn, I’ve  been worn down an im just tired of it all

The Vampire diaries: Finale

This is a different kind of post, an has nothing to do with my actual blog, its just for fun

The vampire diaries is the only show that ive never missed an episode of, usually i record shows or catch up online at some point, i try to take the show as i find it an try not to think too deeply about it, as after all its just a show, but im a fan so why not, why cant i have my fan moment, pretending its real an talking about it like it actually happened 😄

as much as i loved the show, the finale left me with so many questions, which if i get any of the following wrong, or you have your own opinion or disagree, feel free to comment and/or correct me, an please just take this with a pinch of salt, its not meant to be serious

Ok so, lets start with katherine, who by the way was my favourite character, along with bonnie 😍 

I have to admit, i was dissappointed… She became the queen of hell, or cades world at least, like cade she got others to do her dirty work, vicki etc but unlike cade she didnt have any special abilities, she came back powerless, even though she was a traveller, so there wasnt that same level of fear about her, she was not ‘katherine’ anymore, they killed her so many times in the finale, it became funny

There was no fight, she became the easiest to kill baddie in the whole show, it took one episode when usually it takes a whole season, an i know nina didnt really have the time, im glad she returned for the finale, but katherine deserved so much better than what she got given as a character

I would have loved to see her finally find peace with nadia an her family, who as you know were all murdered

even though nina plays both elena/katherine, i always thought of them as seperate people, but in the finale, i found that hard to do, i think it was the wig, an also ninas face has changed since she last was on the show, or maybe it was all the wig, as at the end, with her natural, now short hair, she looked more like the elena/nina we know

while she was pretending to be elena, they killed her, an in the mean time she had time to change an curl her hair… Also while as elena, she wore elenas dress, an she dressed the real elena in her clothes, that was thoughtful, i get modesty etc but i found that strange, its katherine afterall… Is there a wardrobe in hell?

Anyway, stefan decides to die with katherine, he stabs her while holding her as they are engulfed in flames, we see damon on the ground as the flames pass by, controlled by bonnie, so why couldnt stefan have stabbed katherine an then just thrown her into the passing flames, she wasnt putting up much of a fight, maybe to ensure she stayed there

Stefan gives damon the cure, im guessing he thinks as hes about to die, its either to stop damon from stopping him, or the fact that with stefan dead the cure would be gone, but this is before bonnie wakes up elena, so as far as he knows damon will age as time passes by, elena would wake up an damon would have either died or be ancient, the sleeping curse stops elena from ageing right?? Or wrong??

Also, when katherine had the cure, silas needed all her blood, but now it only takes a syringe full.. How does a syringe magically take the cure from the blood stream

Bonnie pushes back hellfire, with the help of her ancestors, she then says ‘i did it.. She should have said ‘we did it’ 

Bonnie decides to live her life an travel, even though everyone she knows is in mystic falls, kinda lonely right? Plus your best friend has just awoken from a sort of coma after four odd years an you decide now is the time, but then the show did skip forward to where elena had been through med school, soooo… maybe they did have time together before she left?

Also, it looked like enzo had moved on, bonnie could feel him, but didnt see him, what happened to her world that she created? An will she save herself for enzo, stay single for the rest of her life?? I have to say, bonnie was the best part of the finale for me

At the end, when everyone had died, they are reunited with their loved ones, elena gets to be young an beautiful an jenna/her parents look the same.. I get the whole cameo thing, but it was just a huh moment for me

Caroline stayed a vampire, maybe to help her move on to a role on the originals?? But as time passes her daughters an friends etc will age an she’ll live on, its kinda sad.. How an when will she see stefan again

Lastly, stefan is dead, bonnie is away an elena an damon are human… They say they grew old, but years of evil being drawn to mystic falls an we are meant to believe nothing else happened for the rest of their lives, an that not one vampire came looking to take the cure from damon, did elena an damon have any children?

An where did everyone go after they died, heaven i guess, but what about the evil ones? Actual hell… I bet katherine is cosying up to the real devil as we speak 😉😋 katherine, the spinoff that should but will never happen

If i was a writer on the show i would have made it that bonnie used her powers to blend her world with the real one, allowing characters to stay, an live out the rest of their lives together, show them old an happy, still best friends, still all together

anyway, i loved the show, an the finale did give me just enough… Gotta take it for what it is, an not for what could or should have happened, its up to you/us to make up your own ending i guess

A Codeine A Day… 

its almost christmas again, as i get older i still try to hold on to traditions from childhood, an easter egg on easter, carving a pumpkin for halloween etc but as time goes by, everything feels more hollow somehow, theres less excitment than before, theres no sense of wonder, maybe that comes with age, but i dont believe that

I feel sufforcated in this family, an its pulling me down, everyday im surrounded by the same stories of how everyone else is feeling, conversations ive had a hundred times before
things never seem to change, but as the saying goes, we have to be the change we want to see, an change is what i need, in the new year, im moving out, ive made up my mind, i need to have my own room to breathe, mum has in for a move herself, her arthritis is getting worse an with the stairs an being so isolated so far from town etc an with my step dad at work all day, she wants to move

I guess i’ll have to go private, cause the housing executive only gave me forty points, twenty of those was because im not well, which is nothing, i cant get homeless points added until mum excepts an offer on a new place an god knows how long that could take, an even then as a single man… so hence why im thinking private rented

I’m not happy in myself either, i was trying to take better care of myself for a while, id lost over a stone an was grooming myself better, hair cuts an shaving more often, little things, but i just fell back into old habits an regained the weight again an became lazy, depression has a way of doing that to me, i say lazy but really you just dont care anymore, id rather run around dirty in a bin bag to be honest, than have to conform to please others when it does nothing for me

i haven’t been going to the doctors, even though im feeling really ill, im just too anxious, they dont listen an every time i feel sick or am in pain im told its just anxiety, which makes me feel like some crazy guy making up ailments for attention an each time im taken less seriously

i haven’t heard from the mental health team either, the social worker i see now, always seems to be on holiday, who needs a holiday every two week, an as i told you before, they are saying i dont need medication, but that i feel better having it than not, so thats why i get it… i give up with these people

I cant speak to my family because im always over shadowed by someone else, my older brother is going into rehab after christmas, but its like hes trying to get as much drinking done as he can first, getting drunk an taking medication an cutting himself, being taken to hospital an wasting everyones time by going home the next day without getting help, if he behaved this way sober, i could understand, but he gets drunk an turns violent an acts out, he lives with our aunt who has to suffer with it, an the thanks she gets, he gave her a black eye because he woke up after drinking, he was calling for her an she wasnt home

my aunt has her own problems, her daughter was adopted, shes now twelve an is starting to ask questions, as you would, she sees her mum, my aunt, three times a year, but right now being confused about everything, she doesnt want to see my aunt for a while, which im sure is heart breaking, she also lost a baby a few years ago an it would have been her birthday not too long ago, an like my mum she has health problems of her own, an she gets a lot of abuse from my brothers calling her names about her weight etc its sad

An thats why i avoid going to their house, i dont need anymore misery, walking on egg shells an feeling uncomfortable

but we all get it, my younger brother, drunk, was making fun of my hair on friday, its childish, an you cant say anything because you get laughed at an told its only a joke, my hair was longer cause as i said i hadnt been looking after myself, when styled it was ok, but i had bed head an looked a mess, i couldnt really afford it but got it cut that day because i allowed him to make me feel bad, if its not that its the clothes i wear, the things i do, when my beard grows theres a few greys in it these days, the fact ive been single for quite a while, an my weight, which goes up an down alot, depending on how im feeling… its always something, my brothers are sheep, you know those boys who all have the same hair cut, an all wear the same brand name track suits, trainers an iphones etc thats who they are, where as ive always tried to be my own person, as much as i can anyway

talking about friday, my younger brother got drunk an got arrested an held over night, the police were only checking on him to see if he was ok, but he became abusive so they arrested him, hes on probation so hes looking at jail time again, i came home to mum crying to find that out, you ask whats wrong, but you’re thinking, whats happened this time

He’s about to come into some money next year, an has said he would pay for him an i to go on a cruise, to see the northern lights, i love the water an its something ive always wanted to do, but two weeks just him an i trapped on a boat an him drunk doesnt sound too exciting… His money will be controlled by the courts because in his hands id hate to see what could happen

i just want some sense of a normal life, as you know i myself grew up in foster care, an moved home at seventeen, an this has been my life ever since, ive never known a normal life, so you see why i have to get away now, i dont know why i havent already, making up for lost time but mostly fear i guess, just like how i havent changed doctors or done a lot of things

I feel lost, an lonely, im very emotional lately, somedays i find myself taking a codeine painkiller just to get trough the day, which doesnt sound like anything, but for me it works like diazepam an its only one, so im not abusing painkillers or anything

I’m keeping this post shorter than id like, cause im using a touch screen on the wordpress app which i hate, an its taking me forever to type this, no spell check or automatic punctuation that made me look like i was of at least average intelligence, oh blackberry how i miss you…

I Don’t Want To Be Me

I’m not myself, an this post probably won’t make sense but I need to clear my mind a little

I feel like I’m going crazy, like my mind has a million thoughts an voices, an they are so loud sometimes, I try to ignore it, but its like being followed by someone shouting at you an you can’t get away from them

I see people walk by me all the time, lost in their own lives, I sit there an I feel so invisible, I watched a movie last night an a line from it was, the worst thing you can do when you lock someone in a room, is press their face against the window, an you know its true, I’ve been a prisoner of my own making for so long, like I’ve been asleep for years

But now I’m waking up an I see so much, I see everything, I even see things before they happen, I’m not saying visions or anything, I just see things, like intuition, my mind is always so switched on an I can’t turn it off

Other peoples happiness is starting to make me angry, an I’m not a resentful person, I just want to scream sometimes because I feel so angry inside, like I could explode, but I hold it in

I feel like I’ve lived the same day a million times, an like I’ve had the same conversations the same, I can’t take it, I can’t be around it anymore, its like living in a bad movie

I see myself through someone else’s eyes sometimes, like its not me, I become confused walking the same path I’ve walked hundreds of times, but its like I’m lost, or there for the first time

Some days I wake up, an my emotions an views have completely changed, my whole being as a person, its like every night I go to bed that me dies, an a new person wakes up everyday

I don’t wanna see it anymore, I’m not suicidal, so don’t worry about me, but I don’t want to be part of this world anymore, I just don’t, but what can I do, I don’t want to die, an I don’t want to live, I just don’t want to be me

I don’t wanna be so, awkward, an backward, I wanna be happy when I can’t, its like mental illness controls your mind with a sort of pride, an it won’t let you be who you want to be..

I can hug strangers, but I can’t hug my family, I can’t say I love you, even if I do, I’m not even sure I feel love, I don’t want to be so guarded, so cold toward others, I feel broken because I’m not normal, its my normal, but I’m not normal,

They recently increased my duloxetine back to 6omg, which I’m used to, I asked them to, apart from that I’m only on mirtazapine 15mg, they aren’t meant to go together but I need something to help me sleep, they won’t give me sleeping tablets

Yet they tell me tablets won’t help me, but they’ll give me them anyway because it makes me feel better having them than not, that’s really irresponsible, an kinda f**ked up if you ask me, especially as my doctor just gave me a speech about serotonin syndrome

Its like putting a rat in a maze, me being the rat

They don’t get it, they’re paid to get it, but they don’t, you’re just another 15 minute meal ticket, 15 minutes an another couple of hundred to pay off a student loan or a mortgage, an don’t forget it, you can’t trust these people, they don’t care about you, when they go home at night, do they think about you, no, they leave you in the office, buried in paper work, you’re a name on a piece of paper or a prescription

You’re pouring your heart out, an they’re probably wondering what’s for lunch later

Sometimes it feels like you’ve fallen a hell of a long way down, you keep climbing, trying to reach the top again, when you realize someones been standing on your fingers the whole time

The only person you can really depend on is yourself, sometimes, an even then that’s not the best option when you’re ill

You can always tell by looking into someones eyes, if you see genuine kindness looking back, if they listen an don’t check the time, if they don’t interrupt, if they don’t beat down your feelings with their logical babble, then you may just be in the right place

An tomorrow, I’ll probably not feel this way at all, but that’s the ups an downs of mental illness, you just don’t know

Running From The Shadows

Lately my head is all over the place, one day I’ll be fine, I’ll feel happy, then the next I’m tired an depressed, or a mixture of both

Things around me don’t feel real sometimes, like being awake in a dream, like living in denial of something an then being snapped out of it, or being high on a drug an then crashing, I’m not on any by the way, I haven’t touched drugs in nearly two years, an haven’t been drunk since september last year, an we all know what happened that night

I feel like i’m constantly stuck in a transitional stage between one place an another, wanting one thing but at the same time not, like a tug of war in my mind

I feel sad a lot, I can’t control it, I try to force it away, but I can’t, an I think way too deep thoughts sometimes, I’m not smart, but I have my moments, I just wish I wasn’t so switched on all the time, I can’t turn my brain off, its always ticking, I just don’t want to be so self aware, if that makes sense?

It sounds silly, but I’d love to be in a sort of coma for a few weeks. Or to have some sort of amnesia, just for a while, there’s no getting away from myself

I have been doing better lately though, I’ve lost two stone, I feel more confident, I’m more out going, I make an effort with people I don’t know so well, I don’t want to be seen as socially awkward anymore, I’m tired of hiding in the shadows, where people don’t know I exist

We are also moving house, I don’t know when, but hopefully soon, I think that will help, a clean slate in a way, I’m still not quite ready to go it alone just yet, I so wish I was, but I’ll get there

Family struggles haven’t gotten any easier, which make it hard for peace of mind sometimes, an only add to my anxiety an depression

My younger brother got out of prison again on bail, but got arrested the next day again, he got drunk an got into a fight with someone at the b&b where he was bailed to, he hit another woman an threw a man out of his wheel chair, yes its crazy, so he was arrested as I said

While that was going on, my older brother had heard what was happening, he had been drinking to, an suddenly he was determined to be arrested also, he recently broke up with his girlfriend, an has been back in touch with his ex, who as you know I remained friends with, so I don’t know what will happen with that, she’s currently in rehab, she’s allowed out everyday an we are going to go visit her on wednesday

Anyway, my older brother phoned the police on himself, saying if they didn’t arrest him, he would hurt our aunt, which was really an empty threat, but still, they were so worried about him they phoned an ambulance an were going to send him to hospital an hold him to be evaluated, but things resolved themselves an he was allowed to stay at home

Mean while my mum told me she’s very stressed an depressed, I can’t blame her to be honest, who wouldn’t be, she said that she’s having bad thoughts about hurting herself, an she’s also formed a type of belimia, binge eating an then making herself throw up, she went to the doctor an they made her see the crisis response team, she’s feeling better now, but its a lot for me to process all in one week

Last night, my younger brother came to our house at 6am, banging on the door an looking to get in, I haven’t slept since then, when he came to my room, I kinda lost it an let him have it, he left me alone, but I could hear him downstairs telling mum what he’d do to me ‘bury me’ etc

As if mum needed any extra stress, but I went downstairs an things were ok, I know he wouldn’t really hurt me, but the threats are hurtful enough

He’s also broke up with his girlfriend, she went out one night while he was in prison for those few days, an he got jealous, she’s put up with so much an he can’t handle her going out one night, I think they had a fight over the phone, an she did use her going out that night as a way to hurt him

She keeps taking him back though, he’s about to get an offer for his claim, mum an I are going to the court with him on thursday, yeah they have a child together, but I can’t help feel that’s why she keeps forgiving him, I don’t want to say that, but its how I feel

Also as you know my cousin has a case against my younger brother, my mum an my aunt, in her pursuit of a claim, I explained all this in another post, the court was put back, where I’m being called as a witness, which adds more stress, I just want it all to be over, we don’t even have a date set yet

So I guess you can see why I feel out of sorts lately, its my crazy life, I just want to run away sometimes, leave everything behind me an never look back

They’re Pulling The Trigger

Today I had an appointment with the mental health team, I’ve missed so many appointments lately, because of my anxiety, I’m jumping out of my sleep gasping for air, I’m scared to go to sleep, an then I can’t sleep, an when I do I’m only sleeping for about 4-5 hours a night an so I’m always tired an have no energy

I didn’t even want to go today, but I forced myself to go, it was the psychiatrist today for once, and then the social worker I’d seem last time, I guess cause today was a review rather than a regular appointment

I told them how I was feeling, that my somatic disorder had gotten worse, that my mental illness was really affecting my physical health, I always feel sick, I’m always dizzy, an i can’t concentrate, I told them about my sleep pattern, that I’m comfort eating, that I get so angry all the time an find it hard controlling my emotions, that my emotions seem to take on a personality of their own, I told them about my intrusive thoughts, an that I feel trapped in my own head

I feel lost, empty and sometimes void, an that my anxiety is getting worse, to the point where, as I said above, its showing itself more in a physical way

They now are saying I have a mixed personality disorder, which means I have traits from several of the disorders, with depression an anxiety, which my doctor classes as secondary, an then of course my somatic disorder, social phobia an dissociative identity disorder, which I guess is part of the mixed personality disorder, along the lines of depersonalization

In the end I felt like I was wasting their time, the psychiatrist more or less said that the mental health team wasn’t really the best option for me, an neither is medication, but that it makes me feel better having it than not, yet my psychiatrist before him, told me I’d probably be on medication for the rest of my life

He suggested a group for people with personality disorders, mainly used for self harmers, I told them I can’t do group settings because of my social phobia, to which he said, you don’t really have to talk, like that’s somehow any better

I’ve been seeing the mental health team for sixteen years, if anything, sometimes I feel worse than I’ve ever felt, an feel less in control

What I’ve noticed over the years, an I’ve said it before, when I used to see the mental health team, I’d more or less say the same things as I do now, but I’d break down an cry a lot easier, I was more vulnerable back then, where as now I feel like crying but I can’t, I used to get so much help an a lot more attention paid to my mental illness then, why should tears be what it takes to be taken seriously

I’m going to see my doctor next week, because after today, I don’t know where to turn anymore, I’ve been left feeling confused, yes they did offer me the group therapy, but if they knew me at all they’d know how hard I find social settings, I have been trying graded exposure, but its more controlled an I guess I’m not on my own so its slightly easier

An would it be good for my own mental health to listen to others talk about how they self harm, as that’s mainly what the group focuses on? I don’t know, I will consider it, its that or nothing

I’ve never been a self harmer, I have cut myself in the past, but nothing serious, I’ve suffered with a form of body dismorphia for years, along with eating disorders, because I hated how I looked, being left with scars was not something I wanted

My opinion is, if you can be in an open group setting an talk openly about your problems, then you’re already half way to somewhere, I’m not in that place right now, maybe someday soon, but not now, if I’m honest I wouldn’t feel safe being around other people like myself, because I know the mind set, I live it

But these people, the mental health team and my doctor, are gonna push me over the edge, which is dramatic but, I’ve even had paranoid thoughts that they were all out to get me an were working together in deliberately not helping me in hopes that I might do them all a favour an just end it, like they were getting some kind of joy in seeing me suffer

I don’t think I have another mental health team appointment left in me, I can’t handle it anymore, I just can’t, its become like a trigger for me, after I leave I start getting impulsive thoughts, I’m emotional I’m angry, something else takes over for a short while where I don’t feel in control an its not healthy

The people who are meant to help me get better, are the people who are making me more ill

I’m just dealing with quite a bit, an lately I can’t deal with a lot, yesterday I had to give my witness statement for this court case my cousin is taking against my family, I explained this in a past post, an I’m dreading the thought of going to court, then I had a scan for a lump I found in my neck, but its not big enough for them to worry yet, both my esa and dla had both ran out at the same time, thankfully that’s been resolved an my medical evidence was enough that I didn’t have to attend a medical like last time

An we all know how that went down! Then all this today with the mental health team, I’m already dealing with enough nonsense in my own head as it is, there’s no room for anything else right now

Its all good news an things are slowly working themselves out, so I should be happy, but I never feel like I can enjoy anything anymore, I want to but its like something won’t let me, an then the stress and anxiety carry on afterwards, maybe that’s why, because I worry for so long before an I always expect the worst

I’m so uptight…

Caught In The Middle

There is a lot of tension in the air at the moment an everyone around me seems like they are on the verge of snapping at any moment

I’m finding it hard to live any kind of normal life at the moment, though my life has never been normal, there are periods where I feel ‘ok’

As you know my cousin has made false statements against members of my family, I talked about it in my last post, anyway.. now there will be a court case on the 20th of june, where I will be asked to be a witness, which isn’t helping my anxiety either

I can feel everyones stress, an its like a headache before a thunder storm

My step dad has been weird for some time, I think its cause he’s taken on extra work, which makes him more money but then my mum gambles it, his moods can be scary, because he won’t say anything, he goes silent, he’ll speed up the car, an he won’t break properly at speed bumps, all the while saying nothing or only giving mumbled responses, then he’ll slam the car doors

He started driving off one night in a mood an I only had one foot in the car, he later apologised saying he didn’t know, I think he finds it hard to say no to mum so his frustrations come out in the only way he knows to deal with it

My mum has been dealing with depression an anxiety for a few years now, this case against her is starting to take its toll an I can tell, I worry about her, all she does all day is clean, sleep, gamble an then binges on sweets an crisps before bed

My mum gambles everyday if she can, for a while I was giving her money, but at a point I had to start asking for it back, she owes me hundreds, but that doesn’t stop her from asking, I’ve told her countless times how it stresses me with people always asking me for money, but she still keeps asking, she promised to stop asking but hasn’t, when I say no, she promises to pay me out of her weekly money (whereas now I keep the rent I would pay her as a way to get it back) but then I feel bad because it puts more strain on my step dads money, the guilt sets in an I end up working some other way to get the money instead

For a while she would use my illness against me, if her money ran out quite quick, she knew I wouldn’t want to go home so soon after only getting to the casino, so she would say she was going to ring my step dad to take her home, resulting in either us both leaving as I didn’t like to be alone an walk home by myself, or that I would lend her money so she would stay with me

Now that doesn’t happen as I’ve gotten more control over my social phobia

I don’t even like the casino, but there’s not many places I can go where I feel comfortable, in the evenings our town has nothing, when my anxiety would play up, it was a distraction, when I went to the casino I didn’t feel ill, though I have had panic attacks there an have had to lock myself in the bathroom

I think my mum uses it for the same reasons, that an she’s stuck inside all day, but now its become an addiction

She says she’s crying a lot an she snaps a lot more than she used to, I think due to frustration an anger, she’s now made an emergency appointment to see her psychiatrist because she’s finding it hard to cope

My aunt, its hard to say, because she doesn’t have the capacity to really think that deep, you can’t hold a conversation with her, she’s only waiting to you finish so she can say what’s on her mind, I’ve tried to tell her things in the past, where she’s more interested in showing you a new duvet cover she bought, that’s just how she is, she is a kind person an would do anything for you though if she can

My older brother is living with his girlfriend out of town, an though he has cut down, he drinks, an she, the girlfriend is addicted to painkillers

As you know my younger brother is in prison, an then there’s me trapped in the middle, I’m not trying to make it all about me because we all have our problems in life

My brothers in prison, an my family are making him out the victim, but he did get drunk, attack our next door neighbour, an threatened my uncles family an punched my cousin on the chin, he was only out of prison one day an has a new baby at home, I feel for him, but he did this to himself

Sometimes I feel like I’m suffocating