like salt to my mental health wound

where do I begin (i actually just did a big sigh there) the family situation at the moment is putting so much stress on me, I’ve found myself feeling more tired this last week than in a long time, its like something fractured, trying to piece itself back together

My older brother is on bail at the moment, an has to live with us now for the next few months, a punishment for yet another one of his drunken nights

I’ve always felt like he is favoured in the family, he has an attitude an so I think people try to please him, as of now my mum picks at me for the same things he does

My mum is always tired from her pills, mostly lying around looking dozy, popping diazepam (which I know she is now addicted to, on top of other pills, which don’t seem to be helping) an complaining

she has been grating on me for months now, but I’ve held my tongue, she’s never wrong in her eyes, an she has to be the centre of attention, I’m also tired of her comparing her mental illness to mine

She suddenly became a christian a few months ago, an is now obsessed with it, I tried going to the prayer meetings, which are run by my uncle, gave it a month, but with each meeting, I became more bored of it, its just not for me

With mum not going out as much, an my older brother being here, it feels like I don’t have time to myself, I stay in my room a lot more now, I can’t bare to be around them more than I have too

My stepdad is like a slave to my mum, she almost has him trained, he’s like a door mat, running after her an the others, he almost never says no, just no back bone what so ever, no life of his own, an never goes anywhere other than work, unless its to run after mum

He annoys me so, with his constant lack of decorum, burping, an clearing his throat, on top of his snoring, which thankfully I don’t hear

I was brought up in a different world, so i’ve never felt like I’ve fitting in with my family

Its coming to the point where I’m ready to leave an begin a life of my own, most people by my age already have, I’m 25, but as I grew up in care, I only moved home at 17, so I’ve only lived at home for 8 years, my illness an fear have held me back, amongst other things

I’m done with the whole family thing, an done with them pushing me to the edge of a deeper depression

I’m not on any tablets at the moment, seroquel are doing me no good, other than helping me to sleep, but with things the way they are, I may ask to be put on something again

Mind please leave me alone

My mind likes to make a slave of me, its hard to tell if its because of the mental illness or if its just me doing the damage to myself

I would be happy to go back to how it was any day, when it was minor OCD, having to put the kettle an cup at the same angle an having everything ready to make tea before the kettle boiled, or avoiding cracks on the pavement, only sometimes, or having to drum out a certain tune, I used to find that hard

To now when I can’t watch tv normally, like horror an i think an feel like I’m going to die, I see friendships an love an it makes me emotional an angry, also dealing with nightmares an flashbacks, sometimes of things that haven’t happened, but are as if they have

situations play over in my mind, its like someone telling an showing you things you don’t want to see or hear, you run, but there is no escape from it

past feelings wash over me, a once happy feeling now makes me feel the opposite in that moment, making me feel an overwhelming feeling of lose an hurt

Perhaps, feelings I’ve locked away so much, that now they are beginning to flow over an leak into my life, I may have a certain insight into it, but that helps me none

Crazy on the inside

I find my mental illness, sometimes is like a strange haze, a fog that descends an completely traps me in a strange place where i’m almost unaware of the world around me, or anyone else but me an how I’m feeling

Ever changing moods, an the environment swings my emotional state, for everyone I guess, but I’m talking from a mental illness point of view

I find myself with an urge to manipulate those around me, why.. I don’t know, to gain what, I don’t know

I find myself feeling like I’m somehow better than those close to me, trying to portray a certain image to the outside world, though frequently embarrassed by them

This strange psychotic presence lurks around me, wanting to break free, rebel, when in reality I have a guard up, an in public I may just seem like a boy, just there, I am always 100 percent aware of what is going on around me, my mind takes a mental snap, the same for every word I speak, an every movement I make, like living off of a script, sounds tiring, but is effortless like being on auto pilot

Its strange to explain, its almost like the mind, having a mind of its own…

that missing piece

The plain frightening truth in my life, is that no one truly cares, I never try to get sympathy, I never play the old woe is me card

This blog holds my inner thoughts that I don’t share, its like a diary that’s been left out, an someone may just happen to come across it

My family is like a puzzle, the pieces don’t go together, but are forced to fit, and we seem to accept that, when from an outsiders point of view, or when I face the truth of it, I don’t know what holds it together, convenience an circumstance

Each individual life, revolves around itself, caught in a type of daydream that is self involved

I admit I’m guilty of it too, in my case, I have so much going on, in regards to my illness, that there isn’t room for anyone else’s, not through being selfish, just a realisation of the truth

Talking to a mental health professional, is just a stranger with a degree, a tablet is just a mask for a while for something we can’t cope with alone

Therefore is a tablet a better saviour than family, a friend, or the mental health team, a little helper that tries its best, tries to do what it promised, and never judges

my mind rebels against me

Can a mental illness cause temporary split personality…

I spend my days with my mind coming up with ideas that I don’t have the energy to go through with, but its like someone else’s ideas

Over the last while, i think I was manic, but I’m not even sure, I drank, took meth, an illegally bought diazepam, got my hair dyed pure blonde, just because I wanted to, its now black again, was in a weird desperate search for someone to give me any kind of love or attention, promising to the kids on the charity ads, that I would be with them soon, an was gona become an aid worker

Planning to move an live with a stranger abroad, who just wanted marriage for a visa

Hated everyone who I knew, an saw them as boring an didn’t care, crying an having a weird feeling that I was missing someone who had left me

I was convinced I had cancer, an that I was going to die soon, an had a plan to run away, just disappear without telling anyone

My thoughts at times bullied me, I begged them to stop, they tortured me, its my mind, so I couldn’t escape

I wanted to cut at myself, but it was more of a calming thought than actually going to do it

I feel like a failure in many ways, I like to think I’m strong, but the truth is I’m not

I feel more stable at the moment, I just wish I was normal, but what is normal, maybe this is me normal, an how I’m meant to be

time passes as the world drifts by without me

The world moves along, while lately I stay at home more an more, letting it drift along without me

Going anywhere is a struggle, being anywhere else makes me so frustrated, an wish I had never gone out, makes me think, ‘what’s the point in trying at all’

I never miss much anyway, as nothing ever changes

People annoy me, with their comments an questions as to why I want to stay home

hearing them breathe or chew on food makes me angry, I get angry because I’m getting angry

The lingering thought of death stays in my mind, ‘would anyone miss me’ ‘would I be better of in the forever silence, eternal sort of coma, you never awaken from’

I wonder what life is all about sometimes, in short you are born, you go to school, college/ university, get a job, get married, kids, retire an then die, everything you worked your life for gone

And in time, with it any memory of you, a tome stone, neglected, the only reminder of the person who once was

how do you escape from yourself

When you’re younger, you imagine a future more than you do when you actually get there, or at least in my case

As unrealistic as that future was, whether that be in the circus or being a lawyer with a house full of rabbits (insert laugh)

Funny how goals change huh..

Growing up in a farm at one point while I was in care, I’d see a red house off in the distance, to me then, that was far, an how I wished I could just be there, now being older, all I’m running from is myself

Moving from home to home, an to yet another family wasn’t an escape for me, more another chance to try an push the boundaries, which I guess was easy as there was never an emotional connection

I use the words ‘forget’ an ‘moved on’ a lot in life, when in fact its a mask of reluctance to not admit I’m actually living in the past, in a new future of both

How do we outrun a past we have already lived, perhaps create new memories to push out the old ones

We can create distance from our past, but memories are like snap shots in time, a flashback like an old video replayed over again, a new experience always compared to a similar relived moment like deja vu

this post is in a way about growing up from the naivety of a youth, to a point where understanding is a burden of maturity

To use a line from a poem I recently wrote “Another forgotten, unwritten wrong”