digging my own pit of despair

This depression has such a pull, its stronger this time than I can ever remember

First thing on waking, I feel the despair of another day ahead, getting ready to go anywhere, takes so much effort

Everything people around me do, an say, annoys me, I’m so frustrated an angry, but why?

I have to bite my tongue constantly from shouting at people, or saying exactly how I feel

I just don’t have any will power or drive, or energy what so ever

I try to talk to my mum, as I feel less judged from her, but I get responses sometimes like “people who wanna kill themselves, they don’t talk about it, they just do it” or “you spend so much time inside, before you know it, your life will be over an you’ll be an old man” or “I’m not well either, but I still do it”

I just don’t know anymore, its like people can’t see by the illness, they just see me, an don’t connect the two, its like, I’m not the illness, the illness is me, its come to the point where, I don’t even cry now, what does it do for me

I think of what would make me happy, an the things that used to, an it makes me upset, which I don’t understand

The meds aren’t working, which I hate, I try so hard to listen to the doctors advice, I know I cant expect them to work miracles, or without me putting in some effort, i’m just worried that, as I feel this way, it could push me to do silly things, as I simply don’t care anymore

This body just feels like a shell, an I’m just in here somewhere, lost.. the world seems so dark, drained of light

did I dig this ‘pit’ with a ladder, can I get out alone


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