i really am crazy

Have you ever had a moment, where you think, “I really am crazy”

I’ve had more than a few moments, I’ve shared some below..

I felt depressed on an off through childhood, once I moved home at 17, it suddenly become a full blown mental illness

growing like a leech, slowly draining the life from me

There was a time when, I first moved home, I was convinced my step dad could read my thoughts, an was spying on me with hidden cameras, an had the hidden equipment in the attic, at one point I thought he wanted to kill me

I guess I thought he hated having me around, an the attention being on me, an not having mum to himself as much anymore

The ocd kicked in, things like tapping a certain tune, not walking on cracks, reaching the other side of a road before the on coming car pasted by, or having the cup an kettle aligned at a certain angle

Add cleaning, gambling an drinking along the way too

I become obsessed with my weight, to the point where I was only living on a slice of ham, an a slice of cheese twice a day, working out an bingeing on red bull an coffee to speed up my metabolism

I went through my spirit stage, thinking I was special, an had magic powers, like controlling the weather, thinking I could see ghosts an was psychic

Nightmares, flashbacks an hallucinations, seemed at least bearable, normal even

People I liked or was friends with, I’d become obsessed with, maybe even desperate for attention from them, an wanting to be the most important person in their lives, an jealous of others who got in my way

I could be your best friend, a shoulder to cry on, depending on whether that’s the role I wanted to play that day, am I that way because I wanted to be, or because I wanted people to believe I was, maybe I liked feeding off of an others pain

I know i change with each person, adapting to their personality…

Certain movies I’d watch, would bring out this strange other side to me, almost like if the people in the movie were real, I’d take on a part of that personality for a short while, I don’t really understand it myself

Thinking about it, I know it was crazy, but at the time, it didn’t click in my mind that it wasn’t normal

Right now I’m more stable, but who knows what crazy thing will take over my life next

“No mere human can stand in a fire, without being consumed”

echoes

The hum of the fridge, the washing machine spinning in the background, a ticking clock in a quiet room…

Those seem to be the moments when it hits me, an I realise how bad things have gotten, how bad my life is, an how alone I really feel

Where is the boy I used to know, used to be, always happy, with a smile that would make people think butter wouldn’t melt

I used to be him, so he’s still in here somewhere, in the dark, locked away an alone

Now I only pretend, the memory of that boy a script I live off of
I think we all hear the person we once were in our subconscious, calling out an asking ‘what happened to you’

A mirror, reflecting back the person we have become

We call out for help, an in return, what we get back is only the echo

please dont leave me, dont leave me, come back

You went from my reality to a dream…

Love I’m sure is different for each person, feeling it in their own way

I still hold on to a love from years ago, ten to be exact, I was only 14 at the time, an although not my first, it was the first time I felt close to anyone, not going into too much detail, it never went beyond a kiss, it was innocent, not what you would call serious really

Back then in the children’s home, we had to hide, relationships were against the rules

~ “Do you remember me, or have you forgot, we used to hide in case we got caught” ~

I don’t know why I still cling on to it, it still upsets me to think of it, maybe it was the excitement of it all, that it was forbidden , maybe its because it was the first time I felt a real closeness to someone, or
maybe its because I was moved away an we lost touch, an it never had a real ending

A part of me wishes I could resolve the past, but another part of me wants to remember it how it was, innocent, an truly happy in that moment, maybe for the first time in my young life

~ “when I’m sad, I wish you were here, when times are hard, I’d like to know you were near” ~

Like a message in a bottle, adrift at sea, let a part of it go, an keep a part locked away in my heart forever, buried but cherished

“Never made to say goodbye, lost but not forgotten, time just lost track… Please don’t leave me, don’t leave me, come back”

flash bulb memories

Lately I’ve been feeling kind of strange, it somehow feels like death is lurking over my shoulder, like a dark presence is always never too far away

I feel sluggish, an drained, even though I’ve been eating really healthy lately, though I do smoke, sometimes I’m dizzy an a little disorientated, like I’ve been drugged, but haven’t actually taken anything

I think if I was going to die, I would have so many regrets, an possibly try an do the things that fear held me back from

So why then, knowing that, can’t I do those things here an now when I might be fine

I keep getting flashes in my mind, like one second memories that aren’t mine, seeing peoples faces flash in my mind, like being in a dark room, a bulb flashes, lighting the room up for about a second, an then you see the other person

Hmm deep breath, an begin a new day

Friction with a burn

Its been over a week now since my brother came to live with us, it must be how it is in the big brother house, everything is fine for the first few days until everyone is settled, then the sparks begin to fly

I’ve noticed mum has gotten distant an crabby, an my brother has begun to speak his mind, which is never a good thing, no one wants to be around him at the best of times

His girlfriend visits an stays over at the weekends, they have always had a pull an tug type of a relationship anyway, its like they are standing on eggs, all seems good till one cracks

Meals together, that were once a get together are now more because we are together already

I’m not sure how I feel, people are mostly neutral toward me, only giving back what I put out

I had been feeling tired more since my brother came, but I think I’ve adjusted now, with the live I had before in the children’s home, there were always people leaving an new people coming in all the time, in a way it made me adjust to a constant changing life

pull your hair out fun

I really need a holiday, a holiday from myself that is!

The days feel so long, an the changes lately have made me more stressed

There’s this fakeness in our family at the moment, from the outside I guess it looks like we are close, but to me it feels like we act how we think a family should be

We never know which one of us will be the next to snap

Today it was me, we were in town going to get lunch together, I just wanted to get home, I’d woke up in pain, I felt very self concious, drained, an my legs felt weak, I had followed around after mum like a sheep, while she shopped for things for an up coming wedding she’s going to, the place was full of school kids, I don’t really like people watching me eat, an I’m on a diet, I don’t want that kind of food all the time, so I was in no mood

Mum was like, ‘it would be nice to spend time together’, she was being sarky, an I got annoyed, I was like ‘fine, I’ll go just to please everyone else’

My brother kept trying to get me to at least get a salad, but by then I admit I was kinda huffing, big baby that I am, it didn’t help that he kept asking me, so when their food came I just left, an went shopping on my own

most of the time I end up following someone else around, I wonder why I bother going out at all, I never really do the things I want to do

around 6pm, I took some seroquel, just to sleep, got two hours, an felt a little better

I should be happy with the life I have, I mean compared to my life before, but I’m just not myself lately