i really am crazy

Have you ever had a moment, where you think, “I really am crazy”

I’ve had more than a few moments, I’ve shared some below..

I felt depressed on an off through childhood, once I moved home at 17, it suddenly become a full blown mental illness

growing like a leech, slowly draining the life from me

There was a time when, I first moved home, I was convinced my step dad could read my thoughts, an was spying on me with hidden cameras, an had the hidden equipment in the attic, at one point I thought he wanted to kill me

I guess I thought he hated having me around, an the attention being on me, an not having mum to himself as much anymore

The ocd kicked in, things like tapping a certain tune, not walking on cracks, reaching the other side of a road before the on coming car pasted by, or having the cup an kettle aligned at a certain angle

Add cleaning, gambling an drinking along the way too

I become obsessed with my weight, to the point where I was only living on a slice of ham, an a slice of cheese twice a day, working out an bingeing on red bull an coffee to speed up my metabolism

I went through my spirit stage, thinking I was special, an had magic powers, like controlling the weather, thinking I could see ghosts an was psychic

Nightmares, flashbacks an hallucinations, seemed at least bearable, normal even

People I liked or was friends with, I’d become obsessed with, maybe even desperate for attention from them, an wanting to be the most important person in their lives, an jealous of others who got in my way

I could be your best friend, a shoulder to cry on, depending on whether that’s the role I wanted to play that day, am I that way because I wanted to be, or because I wanted people to believe I was, maybe I liked feeding off of an others pain

I know i change with each person, adapting to their personality…

Certain movies I’d watch, would bring out this strange other side to me, almost like if the people in the movie were real, I’d take on a part of that personality for a short while, I don’t really understand it myself

Thinking about it, I know it was crazy, but at the time, it didn’t click in my mind that it wasn’t normal

Right now I’m more stable, but who knows what crazy thing will take over my life next

“No mere human can stand in a fire, without being consumed”

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