The Cold Grip Of Death

Where do I begin, where does anyone begin when in a period of suicidal madness, when life seems so empty, so dark, an the only warmth, ironically the blood coursing through your body, keeping you alive

Anyone can say, I want to die, or, I don’t want to be here… For me, I wish I could put it down to something that maybe a normal person would, by that i’m not saying that I have any more of a valid or more meaningful or deserving reason than anyone else

do I even deserve the right to be suicidal, should we have the right to feelings we don’t truly understand??

What is it like for each person, to be suicidal

For me it would be the void of emotion other than total emptiness, feeling alone in a world of billions, betrayal by my own mind, and an indescribable fear

waking up to yet another day, looking around the room at my worldly belongings, the things that would be the crime scene to best describe who I was..

For others, everything would finally make sense, my cries for help, my dark poetry, an this blog, an insight into the question of why

Suffering the Suffocation

Ever feel like the walls of life are closing in, suffocated by life

I feel so out of touch with everything lately, almost like I’ve left my life an now I’m only looking in through a glazed window, so I don’t really get what’s going on

The closest family members to me are in their own turmoil, my step dad never wants anything to do with me, my younger brother has moved out after a family row, both my brothers are in trouble with the law, my older brother has a swollen forehead after a latest fight, my aunt is stressed out, yet slightly too immature to process it all, my mum has become deeply involved with christianity an is popping so many pills you could shake her like a rattle

I’ve isolated myself so much from the outside world, that i’ve become immersed in everyone else’s chaos

I’ve got my own problems, an not many ways I can turn

When people say they feel alone, even in a room filled with people, I can understand that so well

I feel like doctors are becoming bored with me, so I’m silently suffering, though my mood swings are getting harder to control, the inner anger an sadness, my mind is becoming my enemy

I am trying to look ahead, in a way I’m trying to find reasons to be grateful for my life

Evil face of crazy

I’ve wondered, am I an evil person, hurt an betrayal have pushed me into becoming more like a robot than a person who can feel anything other than the negative, in a way it adds more fuel to my mental health

The life I’ve had has instilled me with being emotionally strong, and the ability to switch off my feelings

I do struggle with guilt, but again I can switch it off if I have too, an after some of the things I’ve done, its a good thing I can

But its this that makes me wonder, am I evil? the fact that I could easily disown everyone I’ve ever known

I usually find it hard to trust people in my life, an my feelings toward them quickly grow to hate, I’ve become angry an bitter, and I’m allowing it to consume me an my life

It takes a lot for me to fully except someone into my life, an very little to remove them from it

I’m like a broken toy, poison an toxic to those around me

I feel like I’m a wasted life, becoming more void, I’m not making this world any better by being here, right now I’m just another dim light dulling the worlds shine

“someday the world will be consumed by greed, its over polluted with people who are only good for stealing air”

Family Struggles

Some families row, mine explode!

My older brother has a bad temper, an its like walking on egg shells around him

My younger brother always borrows his stuff, an tonight it was a belt, that was the last straw, he’d gotten it dirty, an my older brother flipped out!!

I wasn’t involved in it all, but it turned from cross, to livid, then he turned on everyone else, pointing out everyone’s flaws, an being really obnoxious, it went on to him taking it out on an hitting his girlfriend, over a dirty belt!

So now they have broke up, whether its forever I don’t know, they always fall out an make up again

It makes a horrible atmosphere, an brings everyone down, my heart was racing an I got emotional, even though it was nothing really to do with me, but just being there was enough

I must say though, he needs a wake up call, he’s angry, can be so hurtful an evil, he’s controlling an abusive, an at times he’s horrible to be around

Sorry, for him is a well used word, but how much more can we all take

over protected

I took actions in the past couple of years, actions I thought would protect me from the harshness of life, but really all I’ve done is isolated an restricted myself so much, that now I’m living in a bubble, my own real life version of the movie ground hog day

I’m 25, an the way I’ve constructed my life over the last 4 years, its to the point where if I went somewhere, it would be 1000 questions about it, or having to explain myself, if it became a habit, my family would begin to resent me, for not spending more time with them

I’m respected in my family, but at other times I’m treated like I might break

Its what I guess I wanted, as in, I wanted to feel safe, but I never seen it getting to this point

I need to begin to live more, I go out an do regular things people do, or once in a while I’ll have one mad night, just to reset my mind in a way, to get it out of my system, it also shows me what I’m missing out on

What I need is to loosen the reigns of my life, live more, lighten up, an not be so backward an uptight

If I don’t, it could be too late one day, and all I will have is regrets