Whispers

I sometimes wonder, is your life really that bad??

‘You have people that care, love an protect you, an want you to be happy’

Then on the other hand, many times I feel taken for granted, those same people often ignore me, an don’t show a lot of interest in what I have to say, unless its something intelligent or funny, or to do with them

Its obvious they would rather have the robot version of me, the me that plays the part of a normal person

Its times like this I get that sinking feeling, almost like how I feel each time I leave the doctors or psychologists office, my words unheard and another tiny bit of my soul scared

I wonder, am I asking for too much from life, from people, expecting too much, am I the selfish one, has everyone around me changed or always been this way… Or am I the one who changed all along?

Laughing.. Because The Joke Is Me

Going out for lunch with my younger brother an a cousin, hearing them laugh an joke around, I suddenly felt like the dad, or the grown up with two kids, ready to reach for a cough drop, i’m only 25, an I wonder, what happened to me, the care free me with hopes an dreams, who still believed in the magic of everything, I feel so out of place with the world, an everything around me, so void

Am I becoming so routined, an isolated from the bigger world out there, that I’m losing touch with everything, becoming so uptight an backward?

Every day I get overwhelmed with feelings of suicide an anger, then I hate myself for allowing it to make me feel that way, an I wonder where does it come from…

Maybe my life is missing something, so I’m beginning to give up on it

For two years now I’ve promised that the new year would bring a new me, an I would finally allow myself to live my life, an beat this illness, an not allow it to beat me yet again

But each year just brings another failure, I have no one to blame but myself, maybe I just don’t try hard enough, would a good idea be to get proper help, sign myself in an give myself a fighting chance

New years is only two weeks away, is a christmas miracle too much to hope for??