Laughing.. Because The Joke Is Me

Going out for lunch with my younger brother an a cousin, hearing them laugh an joke around, I suddenly felt like the dad, or the grown up with two kids, ready to reach for a cough drop, i’m only 25, an I wonder, what happened to me, the care free me with hopes an dreams, who still believed in the magic of everything, I feel so out of place with the world, an everything around me, so void

Am I becoming so routined, an isolated from the bigger world out there, that I’m losing touch with everything, becoming so uptight an backward?

Every day I get overwhelmed with feelings of suicide an anger, then I hate myself for allowing it to make me feel that way, an I wonder where does it come from…

Maybe my life is missing something, so I’m beginning to give up on it

For two years now I’ve promised that the new year would bring a new me, an I would finally allow myself to live my life, an beat this illness, an not allow it to beat me yet again

But each year just brings another failure, I have no one to blame but myself, maybe I just don’t try hard enough, would a good idea be to get proper help, sign myself in an give myself a fighting chance

New years is only two weeks away, is a christmas miracle too much to hope for??

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