On The Right Track

Five days now an counting, and I’m still stable, parts of the depression still try to surface, but I’m stronger than it for now

Right now i’m trying to rebuild some of what I let it steal from me while I can, just testing the waters for now

An what better time to do that, than when you are slightly more in control of your mind an life

I feel like I’m living on borrowed time, an people are waiting to see how long it takes before I crack, I just hope I don’t prove them right

perhaps its the diazepam that saved me, where all the doctors appointments, an therapy, an many different medication failed… in the midst of my suicidal madness, a little tablet the size of your little finger nail could be what saved my life

As much as I’m getting by day to day, the future still seems like a dark place

I’m questioning most things, like should I still ask to be hospitalised? Should I still tell my psychologist how I’d been feeling a few days ago, should I risk unwarranted concern?

That’s why I struggle when I’m stable, it throws my whole life out of balance in a way, an my former mind conflicts with the present one

I know for sure I’m going to push for diazepam permanently, my doctor will cut me off sooner or later

Perhaps I should see what outlets they offer, like before I was offered an I.t course, and I know they do day drips an other things

Perhaps finding things to keep busy, an with people like myself will help me, its something I’ve never tried before, an you can never have too many new friends

I’d love someone who is going through what I’m dealing with, someone who understands like no one else can

Besides, what do I have to lose, if only last week I was ready to commit suicide, anything is better than that

~ its better to try and fail, than to never try at all ~

Silver In Grey

So, its the days leading up to my psychologist appointment

up until monday, it felt like I’d given myself a count down clock, an that it would be the decider in my future

Its horrible to feel so lost, so alone, so scared, scared of life, scared of yourself, the gut retching pain of living another day, the responsibility of a life, your life, with the thought of a future too hard to bare

Sometimes It fades just enough, an i don’t know what clicked, for two days now I’ve been stable, is it strange that its scary

Little things are easier to deal with, things that would have pushed me to the edge just two days ago

For instants, I couldn’t find my bank card today, the back seats in the taxi were plastered in dog hair, I have a chest infection, plus I was slightly ignored as usual

Such pathetic things, things that perhaps on a different day, or even as soon as tomorrow could affect me different, but with a clear mind today it was nothing

~ A little of something is better than nothing at all ~

I was sceptical about posting yesterday an today, because as much as I wish this could last, I’ve been here before

But it shows that there is a glimmer of light in every darkness

If just one person in the world reads this, an realises, its not always going to be bad all the time, even if that person is myself, reading this post back someday, we or I, will know there’s always a chance for us

For now I’m sure of a few things…

I know I don’t want to be this person, I don’t want this life anymore, I don’t want it for any of us

~ I think mental illness is like a seesaw, if you try an go it alone, you’re stuck ~

Glimmer Of Light In A Teardrop

I awoke today, caught in the grip of this hell I’m going through, I intended to stay in and be alone

But then I thought no I won’t, so I went out, I fought back, an I’m glad I did

As time past, my mood kept on lifting, eventually I was smiling, laughing, having a joke, I saw a glimmer of the old me shining through, I could feel that me crawling to the surface, almost released from a cage

You know how when you break down, an everything just comes out, the hurt, the pain, just a total release, you totally just let go of everything bottled up… that didn’t happen with me, but my mind feels as though it did

Its strange when you get a ‘day off’ from everything you’re going through, it gives you a chance to see things clearly, its a weird feeling, its like the sun breaking through the clouds

I think I get so caught up in this illness, I begin to cling to it, it becomes me, consumes me

When you allow that to happen, you start to dig yourself a hole almost, the more of a grip it takes on your life, the deeper you dig, the more climbing you have to then do on your way back up to your recovery

I’m finishing the day calm, free from the chains… A little freedom for now at least

Help Me.. The Unspoken Words

~ Help me… Those are the words that just want to escape my lips, what I really want to say ~

‘Hiding in the open’ is what this post was going to be called, as i felt so helpless today, like being in a room full of people but somehow nobody knows you are there, maybe as i’ve been really quiet, its like an inner anger forbids my words

Around everyone I feel so exposed, so insecure, so unsafe, unstable an fragile, i suddenly started to panic, fear set in an I felt afraid, afraid of myself

I rang the doctor, an managed to get an appointment, sitting in the waiting room the floor was like quicksand, which was a little unsettling, my mind was racing, “here I am again”.. “what do I say”.. “what am I even doing here”.. “you need help”

I felt like a fool sitting there again, asking for help again, I told him how I felt, to which he told me, not in so many words, that he’s come to an end as to know what to do with me anymore

I told him how I know people feel uncomfortable when I talk about how I feel, an how everyone seems to leave when I tell them, to which he said “you mean like everyone sees it as a never ending record” not before he had laughed in my face, I didn’t think it was funny at all

I could feel the emotion welling up inside me, the hurt, a sort of anger, I just wanted to get out, to get away from him, from everyone

I asked for diazepam, to get me though to my appointment with the mental health team on feb 2nd, which he gave me, of course yet again, two days at a time, an under my mums supervision, all for my own safety, which it never ends up being, as my mum doesn’t take that part serious, an just gives them to me

I might phone the crisis line, to get some advice on what to do, I have ten days until my appointment with the mental health team, ten days perhaps of freedom, where I’ll be after that, I don’t know, it all rests on that for me now

Living In Denial

I hate how life lately feels too real, its like I was living behind a vale an now its dropped, its like I can suddenly see everything, like I’m looking at known things for the first time, an i don’t like what I’m seeing

is that also known as denial?

I have a high level of discomfort around everyone, I feel awkward an judgmental against those I’m closest to, an I can’t understand why

Then I punish myself by feeling guilty, all the while trying to justify my thoughts to myself

I’ve never fallen this far down before, I guess I’ve earn the label of ‘major depression’

I feel like such a horrible person at the moment, its easy to wear the mask of ‘happy’, but I don’t want to pretend anymore, maybe because I’m finding it hard to keep up the act

Its like I’m a sinking ship, an I don’t want everyone around me to become the captain

You know the saying, ‘tomorrow is a new day’ … I’m finding it does apply in my life, I can’t wait until one day ends, an then dread the thought of another

Unstable In Limbo

I’m feeling really guilty..

I was in such a mood today, so tired, no energy, an so angry inside, so I thought it best to not talk at all, I didn’t for a long time, I didn’t feel I had anything nice to say, an I didn’t wanna snap at anyone

My mum noticed I was very distant, I just told her I felt so lost, so empty, like I’ve gotten lost in this depression

It got me thinking, I’m so selfish, what must my mum be thinking, her own child would rather die, would rather hurt the people who love him

I just feel so consumed at the moment, its like I’ve been possessed by a darkness

I’m feeling slightly abandoned by my doctor also, he knows how fragile I am at the moment, an the mental health team haven’t rang, even though I left them a message

I have an appointment with then on the 2nd of february, but until then, where does that leave me, should I have to be the one who crawls back to the doctor again, have to explain how I’m still feeling no better, beg for more help??

I’ve been left in a strange kind of limbo, I haven’t been as unstable, but then lately I’m basically dead inside, almost void of emotion, so how can I feel bad, when I can barely feel anything

My tablets are doing nothing for me, I’m trying my best, but I might as well be eating smarties

Time is all I have right now…

Just… Weird

Its a strange day again, I find myself saying “today’s a weird day” a lot, I remember a psychiatrist once asking me to explain how I felt, an then saying ‘weird’ isn’t an emotion

my mind was pretty blank today, an I was pretty boring, walking around the house like I was dead inside

The normal things I do each day seem so worthless, so pointless, a chat with someone leads me into a trance where my mind wanders of into its own thoughts of nothingness

Its hard to keep finding things to do to occupy my mind, I don’t want time to dwell on this emptiness inside, thinking about how much I no longer want to be alive, the extreme thoughts an ideas I am having, thinking those things are what I need to do to be happy

The boredom is only feeding my depression…

Yesterday, the thought of the mental health team phoning seemed like a burden, then today I seemed desperate for a call, am I actually somehow addicted to the attention i receive from them

Someone who listens to me, someone who cares, who gives me time to say how I feel, without interrupting me or talking over me

Who am I, I don’t know anymore, I feel like I’m losing myself, a little bit being slowly chipped away each day…

I just feel like I’ve fallen into a dark place, an I’m trying to claw my way out, a little hand to help pull me out would be nice, but for now I’m clawing at the sides, alone, helpless, an then falling back down again