Anxiety is that inner demon, that disease that festers within us, feeding of our fear, trying to fight it only gives it more strength, because then we understand what it is
Its like a virus that can push us to the brink, being dead sometimes seems a better way to cope, because living with it is like dying anyway
My mental illness in itself is too complex for even me to understand, as I have a little bit of many things, or as my doctor put it ‘Joseph and the coat of many colours’.. (Isn’t it great how she can make light of it) anxiety is just the cherry on the top
For me anxiety is the worst of all the mental disorders, as it can create symptoms from any other illness at any time, its then that you have to deal with the mess that is your mind, and your body… An let’s not forgot the absolute joy of having to then pop yet more pills
(I feel like one of those pez dispensers, I wouldn’t be surprised if you cranked my head back an pills popped out from my neck)
Then there’s the fact now, that because I suffer from anxiety, any complaint that I go to my doctors with, is put down to a symptom of it, regardless of what it might actually be
As sad as it is, I once looked up google about how to self induce amnesia, sadly with no results, other than taking a bang to the head, (I’m not quite that desperate yet) I just didn’t want to be me anymore, or at least remember who..
I sometimes just want to give up, sitting alone in tears, an asking what I’ve done that’s so bad that I deserve to be punished this way, an there’s always this niggling fear that I might someday crack all together with no way back