Anxiety Is Killing Me

Anxiety is that inner demon, that disease that festers within us, feeding of our fear, trying to fight it only gives it more strength, because then we understand what it is

Its like a virus that can push us to the brink, being dead sometimes seems a better way to cope, because living with it is like dying anyway

My mental illness in itself is too complex for even me to understand, as I have a little bit of many things, or as my doctor put it ‘Joseph and the coat of many colours’.. (Isn’t it great how she can make light of it) anxiety is just the cherry on the top

For me anxiety is the worst of all the mental disorders, as it can create symptoms from any other illness at any time, its then that you have to deal with the mess that is your mind, and your body… An let’s not forgot the absolute joy of having to then pop yet more pills

(I feel like one of those pez dispensers, I wouldn’t be surprised if you cranked my head back an pills popped out from my neck)

Then there’s the fact now, that because I suffer from anxiety, any complaint that I go to my doctors with, is put down to a symptom of it, regardless of what it might actually be

As sad as it is, I once looked up google about how to self induce amnesia, sadly with no results, other than taking a bang to the head, (I’m not quite that desperate yet) I just didn’t want to be me anymore, or at least remember who..

I sometimes just want to give up, sitting alone in tears, an asking what I’ve done that’s so bad that I deserve to be punished this way, an there’s always this niggling fear that I might someday crack all together with no way back

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One response to “Anxiety Is Killing Me

  1. I have a similar situation, where I have a myriad of mental illness sorts of symptoms and diagnoses -and where anxiety is the real kicker in addition to the rest. I often think to myself that I could accomplish much more if the anxiety wasn’t there, because that’s what I tend to struggle with the most. If I’m happy it is still there, and if I’m depressed its there. And when I went to the ER a couple months ago, oh yep you guessed it! Panic attack brought on by anxiety. Thanks medical team, real helpful.

    Speaking to the amnesia portion of your post, (and I’m not saying I condone this, it is just an observation) I don’t know where you live but in my state medical marijuana has been legalized and is often prescribed for anxiety and PTSD. I am under the impression that it works for both a little like what you described, obviously it messes with the memory portion of your brain, but “in a good way” (if that can be said). Obviously still very controversial, but what you mentioned made me think of that.

    I really hope you can find some relief soon, I know anxiety can be intensely overpowering.

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