Confusing illusions

You know when you’ve had enough, an it takes very little to push you to the edge of the cliff, my mind is like that hand that shoves you forward

So.. This post in a way is like a chapter of a book, my minds autobiography, or “the latest gossip” in the whirlwind life that is me:

My mind is like that one annoying person we all know who has to be the centre of attention, always has to get their own way an if you try to reason with them, they become hostile an aggressive

Lately it seems to love to bully me, I’ve been suffering with this strange jolting feeling that travels up my upper body, but mostly in my head, its like touching an electric fence but without any pain, so that’s a new joy!

When I recall a memory, regardless if its a good one, my mind turns it into a flashback, an uses it against me, an repeats it in my mind, like a cd that’s skipping, sometimes it will create memories that aren’t even mine, usually in another life setting where I’m happy

Sometimes if i see a happy couple, my mind tells me no one will ever want me, or when I see an elderly person, it makes me think how lonely they must be, an that I’ll end up that way

sometimes I even get that life flashing before your eyes moment, but me as that old person, or me as myself only old, maybe dying an alone

It wears me down an i can’t fight it, there’s no escape from it, is it some form of OCD, or psychosis?? what is going on???

Even with medication my mind was still in control, but i guess taking a break from my tablets hasn’t helped, I’d been suffering from a virus, which subsided just before christmas day thankfully, the virus was making my tablets go haywire, an making me manic so I thought it best

I still haven’t started back on my meds since, things are harder to cope with, but yet I feel more alive, real, I can feel again, an in small doses I feel human..


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