Call Me Crazy

Lately, those of you who read my posts, have been witnessing me on a downward spiral, an headed for a breakdown

I’ve been making sure that I go out everyday, not spending much time alone to think, I’m taking my medication, an have a doctors appointment for tomorrow

But…
My mood is like someone slowly ageing, as hard as you try to maintain things, its going to keep getting worse, unless you get help, so I’m going to try an head it off before it festers out of control

I just can’t get these suicidal ideas out of my head, do I honestly want to die, no not really, I don’t believe anyone really does, its the illness an how it affects you that drives you toward it

I can’t help feeling like, I’ve suffered for over ten years, so many tablets an clocked up hours of therapy, an only progressively gotten worse

I’m not only living with a mental illness, but the somatic pains as a result, an the newest joy of psychological seizures, supposedly a result of trauma or suppressing things

i may still be on this earth another 10 – 20 or even 50 years! I can’t imagine living with this for even another 1…

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5 responses to “Call Me Crazy

  1. I understand how you feel and I hope you know you’re not alone. I know that does very little when you’re in such a terrible state…but it’s something. I hope the doctor is able to do something to help.

  2. Tylar-
    First thank you for joining me on my blog. Second there is hope. For the majority of my illness probably 11 years before my breakdown my soul pain showed up as somatic complaints. I was sucking down opiates and discussing cane’s with my mentor. Awesome that you are med compliant but do not be afraid to treat your Dr as a human who just wants to further your journey. Tell him the cocktail sucks. None of us do anything for very long without a payoff. If your cocktail sucks you are going to slip into what I call Bipolar denial and say “What is the use all I am getting is side effects and no benefits.” For instance I have lousy muscle tone but I have committed to getting into shape. Exercise has no visible pay off for me so it is hard to do. But it will help me with the bipolar and many other areas of my life.
    As for the somatic complaints mine went away when I met my new GP who has a specialty in endocrine disorders. First she detoxed me and then inserted bioidentical hormones thought a little pellet. Too soon to tell if the hormones will help but the detox eliminated the last of my somatic complaints. Best to do with an md, DC, or DO. I know everybody’s answer is different but the detox saved my life. 8 months ago I was laying in bed 40 years younger than my peers dying of Alzheimer’s disease. Today I live alone and am working (and struggling ) with becoming financially independent of my incredible loving family.
    Awesome that you are taking your meds. Be clear my blog says I went off mine. Just some not all and what I did is inadvisable. You must see your Dr as a partner and work with him otherwise the consequences could be dire such as an episode that would require the hospital again.
    8 months ago I had no hope and was waiting to die so I know the dark times pass. Be gentle with yourself and I use my real name. If you want support I am just a face book away.

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