Chaotic

So I went to see the doctor today, I was slightly nervous, but my tablets helped, that an tons of caffeine, I find it amps up the ‘high’ I get from them, which I know is bad, but I need it right now, an its better than doing something illegal

It was awkward at first, I’m so used to putting on a front to the world its become a part of my personality, so i knew it would take me letting my guard down, an going to the ‘dark place’ if I was going to get anywhere

Inevitably I broke down, an everything came pouring out, I could tell the doctor was getting uncomfortable, which didn’t help

At one point he asked was I searching the internet for sites on suicide, (I let slip that I knew an overdose doesn’t usually kill someone) I paused, thinking whether to say no or be honest, that was sort of a give away

He ended up bringing my mum in, telling her to get rid of all tablets, an to control the ones I have, of which he upped my dose, an gave me some diazepam for over the weekend, he wants me to go for a review with the mental health team asap, an come back in to him on monday for a follow up

He thinks I’m just completely stressed out, warned that I’m about to burn out, an that I’m emotionally unstable, some sort of emotionally unstable personality disorder

I left it with him, that I’ll give it to monday to see how I want to move forward, so what will be will be…

An time will tell…

~ thank you for your lovely comments, I don’t feel so alone in this knowing you’re there, an that I have your support, It helps a lot ❤ ~

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3 responses to “Chaotic

  1. Hey just found your blog by searching mental health. I remember the first time I went to get diagnosed – I was TERRIFIED that if I told the truth they would commit me.
    I knew I needed help and I knew the only way I was going to get the right help was to be totally, brutally, honest and let me tell you that meant shining some light onto some very dark thoughts indeed.
    That was seven years or so ago and I’m on the right meds now and life is better. Not perfect – not cured – but I can smile.
    I’m going to follow you – so you know there is someone out here with you and I’ll comment as often as I can.

    • Thank you for your nice words, an for taking the time, yeah it can be scary, even with a doctor you’ve known for years, its good to know it can get better, an that you are on the path to recovery ~

  2. MrRidley was right. It can be scary waiting for a diagnosis. And until an accurate diagnosis is made, it can be tricky being prescribed meds that help. But it sounds like you have a doctor that cares and is willing to fast track things with the mental health team and to fit you in at short notice. That’s something to take heart in.

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