Frozen

Today was a strange day, I keep getting these strange thoughts, like I can see the world for what it really is, a dark, dangerous an scary place

Like ive been asleep my whole life an just finally woken up

It was strange also, because there was weird bitterness to me today, acid tongue as some might call it, some of the comments I made to people an my tone wasn’t my usual self, its like an evil presence was feeding me lines to say, I felt almost uncomfortable saying them

My mood has been pretty normal so far, but laced with a feeling of being lost an feeling lonely, even though I haven’t been alone today until now

Earlier…
The mental health team phoned to check in on me, they are worried about my safety an my state of mind, I was honest in how I felt, the man wanted me to call in for a chat, but I felt uncomfortable an suddenly trapped in the moment an said no, perhaps tomorrow

He wanted to phone back, but I went out so obviously I missed the call

I’m a bit paranoid thinking about it, are they talking about me, plotting something behind my back, I know its just in my head, they are just concerned as I’m quite suicidal at the moment, more the idea of it than actually planning to do anything about it, but i assured him that I would be safe, as I was not alone, or giving myself time to dwell on my thoughts

So now I feel at some sort of crossroads, unsure how to move forward an what to do, I’d love to be able to sort it out in my own head, but its blanking me out, almost like a computer that’s frozen, I can’t concentrate long enough, which in a way might be a good thing for now

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2 responses to “Frozen

  1. i’ve felt like that before, too… feeling like you can’t control the inappropriate things you are saying. it happens to me rarely, but when it does, i am taken aback by it- as if i am watching someone else do it and it’s not really me, and the someone else who is doing it is shockingly rude. then i have intense anxiety about it and feel like the rudest, most awful human being on the planet. i suspect that is the next thing i will be discussing with my therapist. thanks for blogging! looking forward to reading more!

    • Thank you for your comment, I know what you mean, its so strange in the moment, like its not your words you’re speaking

      An yes tell your therapist, it can be a worrying thing if you let it take hold of you

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