Just… Weird

Its a strange day again, I find myself saying “today’s a weird day” a lot, I remember a psychiatrist once asking me to explain how I felt, an then saying ‘weird’ isn’t an emotion

my mind was pretty blank today, an I was pretty boring, walking around the house like I was dead inside

The normal things I do each day seem so worthless, so pointless, a chat with someone leads me into a trance where my mind wanders of into its own thoughts of nothingness

Its hard to keep finding things to do to occupy my mind, I don’t want time to dwell on this emptiness inside, thinking about how much I no longer want to be alive, the extreme thoughts an ideas I am having, thinking those things are what I need to do to be happy

The boredom is only feeding my depression…

Yesterday, the thought of the mental health team phoning seemed like a burden, then today I seemed desperate for a call, am I actually somehow addicted to the attention i receive from them

Someone who listens to me, someone who cares, who gives me time to say how I feel, without interrupting me or talking over me

Who am I, I don’t know anymore, I feel like I’m losing myself, a little bit being slowly chipped away each day…

I just feel like I’ve fallen into a dark place, an I’m trying to claw my way out, a little hand to help pull me out would be nice, but for now I’m clawing at the sides, alone, helpless, an then falling back down again

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