Unstable In Limbo

I’m feeling really guilty..

I was in such a mood today, so tired, no energy, an so angry inside, so I thought it best to not talk at all, I didn’t for a long time, I didn’t feel I had anything nice to say, an I didn’t wanna snap at anyone

My mum noticed I was very distant, I just told her I felt so lost, so empty, like I’ve gotten lost in this depression

It got me thinking, I’m so selfish, what must my mum be thinking, her own child would rather die, would rather hurt the people who love him

I just feel so consumed at the moment, its like I’ve been possessed by a darkness

I’m feeling slightly abandoned by my doctor also, he knows how fragile I am at the moment, an the mental health team haven’t rang, even though I left them a message

I have an appointment with then on the 2nd of february, but until then, where does that leave me, should I have to be the one who crawls back to the doctor again, have to explain how I’m still feeling no better, beg for more help??

I’ve been left in a strange kind of limbo, I haven’t been as unstable, but then lately I’m basically dead inside, almost void of emotion, so how can I feel bad, when I can barely feel anything

My tablets are doing nothing for me, I’m trying my best, but I might as well be eating smarties

Time is all I have right now…

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4 responses to “Unstable In Limbo

  1. Don’t become disillusioned or try to second guess what is inspirational for us. Inspiration doesn’t come from only hearing or reading about the nice things. Inspiration comes from knowing the things that cause the personal challenges and seeing how you cope with them. They mightn’t be conquered every time, they mightn’t be conquered for a very long time. But if they were, it wouldn’t be inspirational for anyone reading your blog.Those of us who are going through similar experiences to yours, find inspiration in your honesty and your courage. Personally I’d be sad if your blog became just a documented list of when you took medication, what your mood ranked on a scale of 1 to 10.

    If you want to document what it’s like dealing with a mental illness, tell it all… good, bad and ugly. It’s the human part of the experience will make people realise what it’s like.

    I can relate to the emotionally numb feeling. If you can hold out till February till your next appointment, mention it to them. Ask if the combination of medication your on might be causing it. Not if each individual medication would be, but the combination. Sometimes they conflict with each other. If you don’t feel you can’t wait that long, it might be worth making an earlier appointment and stress to them that what you’re taking now isn’t working. Either way, I hope you don’t decide to stop taking them altogether. That doesn’t often have a very good outcome.

    Hang in there!

    • You’re welcome. Even though I’ve only had my blog running for a short time I’ve already caught myself drifiting from the purpose I started it in the first place, And had a few times where i had the same concerns you’ve been feeling. I’m glad you’ve decided to keep it as it is šŸ™‚

  2. Sounds like your cocktail sucks. Keep ringing the team and telling them it feels like you are taking smarties (awesome metaphor when your cocktail is not working). There are as many different pill combinations as there are folks who walk in this darkness that We sometimes feel. Not that I always do this but you have to work in partnership with your team. My GP told me that the Dr patient relationship is only as good as your willingness to heal yourself. That can include some humiliation when they do not return calls. Keep ringing you deserve it you are worthy and the darkness does pass when the cocktail is right. Know that you share a path many of us have traveled and are still traveling you are not alone. Does not take away from the fact that bipolar depression sucks. Be honest with your Dr. One thing they hate but I recommend is talk to your peers about their cocktails and what is working for them. IT gives you options to discuss with the Dr. I have probably taken just about everything in todays medicine box and sometimes you have to get beyond the Dr’s God complex and explain his “Theory” is not enough for you. Good luck. You are not alone.

  3. Sounds like you’re having a rough day. I totally know how you feel right now. It’s isn;t begging or crawling to ask your Dr for help… to let them know that your treatment isn’t working. It’s their job. It’s what they’re paid for. All drugs work differently for different people. Never hurts to own your treatment and recovery… Dr’s aren’t always right.

    Keep calling. Stay positive. Hang in there… and keep writing about how you feel.

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