Help Me.. The Unspoken Words

~ Help me… Those are the words that just want to escape my lips, what I really want to say ~

‘Hiding in the open’ is what this post was going to be called, as i felt so helpless today, like being in a room full of people but somehow nobody knows you are there, maybe as i’ve been really quiet, its like an inner anger forbids my words

Around everyone I feel so exposed, so insecure, so unsafe, unstable an fragile, i suddenly started to panic, fear set in an I felt afraid, afraid of myself

I rang the doctor, an managed to get an appointment, sitting in the waiting room the floor was like quicksand, which was a little unsettling, my mind was racing, “here I am again”.. “what do I say”.. “what am I even doing here”.. “you need help”

I felt like a fool sitting there again, asking for help again, I told him how I felt, to which he told me, not in so many words, that he’s come to an end as to know what to do with me anymore

I told him how I know people feel uncomfortable when I talk about how I feel, an how everyone seems to leave when I tell them, to which he said “you mean like everyone sees it as a never ending record” not before he had laughed in my face, I didn’t think it was funny at all

I could feel the emotion welling up inside me, the hurt, a sort of anger, I just wanted to get out, to get away from him, from everyone

I asked for diazepam, to get me though to my appointment with the mental health team on feb 2nd, which he gave me, of course yet again, two days at a time, an under my mums supervision, all for my own safety, which it never ends up being, as my mum doesn’t take that part serious, an just gives them to me

I might phone the crisis line, to get some advice on what to do, I have ten days until my appointment with the mental health team, ten days perhaps of freedom, where I’ll be after that, I don’t know, it all rests on that for me now

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4 responses to “Help Me.. The Unspoken Words

  1. Tylar:
    Sometimes when we are chronically ill we develop (personal experience) a sort of special narcissism where we focus in on our illness like someone contemplating their navel. To get you through the ten days may I suggest distraction. Stay away from Mental Health blogs just for the ten days. For your own sanity go watch some Movies on you Tube and come post about them on your blog. IF you have netflix even better. IF your concentration is so bad you can’t do that yet then bundle up and go for a walk. Look at the sky, the trees, and the birds. See that the world is bigger than the monstrous disease trying to swallow you. You are not mentally ill only that is just a small piece of who you are. You are so much more than that . Write about anything and everything as long as it is not your illness. You are just taking a vacation until your appointment. Ironically it is on Groundhog day which is an excellent movie and just happens to be free on you tube right now. Another good one that teaches that thoughts are things is Defending your Life also free on you tube but not under the Movie section.Not medical advice just a friend.
    I am not a Dr I just play one on the Internet to befuddle and entertain my Shrink.

    • Thank you for your good advice, this blog though helps to get things out, it kind of stops the feeling of limbo I was talking of

      I find it helpful to share my thoughts, an what I’m going through, a kind of release

      This blog is basically the ‘new thing’ that I’m trying at the moment

      I know this is for now, an not forever, I’ll overcome this in the end, its not my life, just a part, unfortunately of who I am

  2. Around everyone I feel so exposed, so insecure, so unsafe, unstable an fragile, i suddenly started to panic, fear set in an I felt afraid, afraid of myself…
    I can understand these feelings. Horrid place to be. Writing is a good way to vent!

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