On The Right Track

Five days now an counting, and I’m still stable, parts of the depression still try to surface, but I’m stronger than it for now

Right now i’m trying to rebuild some of what I let it steal from me while I can, just testing the waters for now

An what better time to do that, than when you are slightly more in control of your mind an life

Though…
I feel like I’m living on borrowed time, an people are waiting to see how long it takes before I crack, I just hope I don’t prove them right

perhaps its the diazepam that saved me, where all the doctors appointments, an therapy, an many different medication failed… in the midst of my suicidal madness, a little tablet the size of your little finger nail could be what saved my life

As much as I’m getting by day to day, the future still seems like a dark place

I’m questioning most things, like should I still ask to be hospitalised? Should I still tell my psychologist how I’d been feeling a few days ago, should I risk unwarranted concern?

That’s why I struggle when I’m stable, it throws my whole life out of balance in a way, an my former mind conflicts with the present one

I know for sure I’m going to push for diazepam permanently, my doctor will cut me off sooner or later

Perhaps I should see what outlets they offer, like before I was offered an I.t course, and I know they do day drips an other things

Perhaps finding things to keep busy, an with people like myself will help me, its something I’ve never tried before, an you can never have too many new friends

I’d love someone who is going through what I’m dealing with, someone who understands like no one else can

Besides, what do I have to lose, if only last week I was ready to commit suicide, anything is better than that

~ its better to try and fail, than to never try at all ~

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