I woke up this morning happy, an in a good mood, like I’ve been for a few days now, yet dreading my psychologist appointment, thinking ‘please don’t be Mr MC O today….. It was!
Still the same old guy, face of stone, hollow eyes, an no reaction to anything I said
I just can’t seem to get through to anyone lately, I completely opened up, confessed everything, every gory detail, right down to my suicidal intent… And nothing
except a suggestion of some sort of talk therapy I think
I didn’t want a big reaction, I didn’t want sympathy, just something
I left disheartened yet again, emotionally drained an angry how alone again I felt
My mood started to worsen over the next few hours, so I called the doctor for some diazepam, the dose was too low on the script she left me, so I had to go in for a chat
Of course that angered her, I could hear her scold the secretary for pushing me in, in front of other patients, as I didn’t actually have an appointment
I had my mum in with me for support, because I knew what was to come, I got a whole speech an her usual ramblings of wisdom, today it was a bible verse… So self righteous!
She tried to say I was blackmailing her for diazepam, as I said I feel that without it lately I don’t think I’d be here anymore, an that it helped save me
she also tried to accuse me of abusing the tablets by taking more than I should, which I told her, I only get four every two days, so how could I be abusing them
At one point she touched my hand, an I pulled away in disgust, I was furious
We argued back an forth for a while, I could tell she was getting frustrated, she kept tugging on her scarf, an her face was getting red, I think she was taken aback as she had never seen that side of me before, an the fact I had an answer for everything she threw my way
I got the tablets in the end, but after today, I will never see her again!
I kinda got a little crazy after that, the suicidal ideas started flooding my mind again, I dug in an tore a fork across my wrist in frustration until it bled, nothing serious thankfully
i swallowed the diazepam, this time, I abused them, i wanted to block out the crap in my head, suddenly I just wanted to get drunk, I think I was on a little high, though in the end I just went for a walk, an calmed down
I can’t help that I’m quite articulate, just because I don’t sit there, staring at the ground, mumbling an stumbling over my words, it seems that I’m not taken seriously
I’m not about to play up to a stereo type for them to sit up an notice me
I’m quite tired now, which I’m glad of, sleep come soon please, please end this day