The crisis team phoned a couple of times today for a follow up after everything that happened, but I ignored the calls, i was told they then called out to the house, but by then I was gone, was I wrong to ignore them?
Things are still too raw in my mind, I didn’t want to relive it again so soon, an I just didn’t want to be at home on my own, my room lately feels like such a horrible dark place, before I would of loved to just close the door to it, my own space where I could escape from the rest of the world, now it doesn’t matter how much I decorate it an fill it with nice things, its like under all that there’s still a horrible darkness to it
Perhaps its filled with such bad energy, from every bad thought I’ve ever had, an every time I’ve used it to hide my pain an my tears
I had to not only get out of the house today, but to face up to everyone after what I’d done, it was all ok, I wasn’t faced with pity, just treated the same as always, which I’m glad of
I’m just in a strange place at the moment, running from the help I wanted might be wrong, but my mind is fragile an I don’t want to push it
Perhaps throwing myself into my everyday life so soon again, wasn’t the best idea, as it drove me to where I am now, but yet its ‘my normal’ an I feel that’s what I needed, for today at least
I’m trying to fight this new rebellious chaos, an recklessness I’m feeling inside, it feels like I’m fighting against an inner storm of emotions
Really, I think for now I’m just trying to run from myself