Numb Is Still A Feeling

I can’t really explain how I’ve been this week, because I don’t know, really I’ve just been trying my best at playing the part of ‘happy me’ an hiding the real emptiness I feel inside, i don’t want people around me to start thinking ‘here we go again’ or to become stereotyped within the family

Its hard to believe that, technically, tomorrow will be a week since I had my ‘breakdown’, really I just gave up on myself, I’d had enough of everything, dealing with it alone, an feeling ignored an abandoned by the people who are meant to be helping me

I just wanted to feel numb to everything, so that night I did have a few drinks, which they did smell, I admitted it at first, but I later denied it, I wasn’t drunk, but I was told that if I had been drinking, I wouldn’t receive any help

An as you know when I did get the help offered to me, I ran from it, the first time by choice, the second time it couldn’t be helped, they landed to my house without notice, an it wouldn’t of been easy for me to truly open up with people in the house

I haven’t spoken to anyone since, but my doctor, DR C.. Went behind my back, after the argument I spoke of before in another post, to the mental health team an now the diazepam will soon be taken from me an replaced with some other generic thing

They are obsessed with people becoming ‘addicted’ to medication, an selling their medication on the ‘black market’ as DR C called it, never mind if those are non applicable to everyone

I can’t even be bothered taking her on to be honest, I don’t care about her opinions or medical views anymore, they are meaningless to me as far as she is concerned

I don’t know if my doctors even know what happened last week, apart from the crisis team, whom I phoned that night myself, an has nothing to do with my own ‘team’

Its hard to believe its my birthday on the 25th, I’ll be 26, I’ve been this way since the age of 14, that’s when I first released what depression was, so that’s more than half my life consumed by this chaos already

I can’t help but feel slightly melancholy….

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