Melancholies Dark Song

I’ve been quite emotional lately, little things trigger me off, the worst part is I allow them to, I just can’t fight my thoughts, its like me an my mind are two separate people

I feel so strange, especially last night and today, so alone, so empty, abandoned, angry, almost rage, and increasingly melancholy, which I can’t explain…

I feel, dead inside, hollow, like the life is being drained from me

My hallucinations are driving me crazy, literally, I know they are only tricks of the eye, things I see from the side, but turn to see nothing

It all became to much last night, an I broke down, it was strange, lying in the dark crying, yet trying to be quiet so no one could hear me

My brothers got together for a drink.. Again.. Last night, it took a lot for me not to join in, but I reminded myself how they always turn on each other, or me, or become angry an sometimes uncontrollable, those thoughts gave me strength

Drink doesn’t solve anything either, its just a temporary solution, but sometimes it can turn you to a dark place, even give you courage that you don’t need, I’m proud of myself, a little anyway

On another note: the doctor phoned me today, it was just about the chemist, they wouldn’t give me the couple of days of diazepam I didn’t collect, he almost gave me a lecture on how they are trying to cut me off them, I just told him I’d rather have nothing at all

I’m paranoid that they believe all I want are the tablets, like im some sort of addict, truth is, I give more away than I actually take, but I couldn’t tell them that

He brought up my trip to A&E, an how I’d talked about ordering the lethal injection online, my mind was in an even darker place last week, it was an idea, not a plan

He just warned that I’m suicidal enough, without going online an getting ideas, then went on to talk about, how if I did, what the coroners report would say etc, which I found a bit unsettling

I’m lost, where do I go from here… I feel like such a failure right now, I’ve never been this bad for so long before, an I’m letting it win, its just so overwhelming, I can’t handle it, it won’t allow me to fight back this time

I tell myself, if things are so bad, then stop wallowing in misery an do something about it

I’ve tried to get out more, be around people, I haven’t been blogging as much lately, an trying not to dwell on how I feel, but its like two forces fighting each other, an tearing me apart from the inside in the process, I feel like I am about to crack

I’m afraid I’m losing myself

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