Social Phobia: My Story

~ I’d rather live my life, knowing I’m not perfect, than wasting it, pretending to be ~

I love days like today, quiet, an outside its wet an slightly raining

It clears the streets, which is always a good thing for me, as I’m social phobic, its something I haven’t written about yet, its still something I find hard to talk about openly, I feel I have enough going on in my life, without another thing to try an fix about myself

It has become worse over the years, to the point where I can barely go out alone anymore

I feel so alien in big open spaces, I become so panicked at times, anxious, the level of discomfort I feel is horrible, an I feel like I just need to run, to get away, to escape, its like that ‘fight or flight’ response

In my mind I know the distance I’ll have to go to get somewhere, an the thought of what I’ll encounter on the way is frightening

I think the times that affect me the worst are times when I’ll be walking an cars will be constantly driving by in my direction, or I’ll be in a crowded shop or standing in a long cue, or when I have to walk through a crowd of people, like a big group of friends stood together

I put on a mask to the world, an no one would really know, but inside my mind is racing

Its strange because, after a few drinks, or on certain medication, nothing worries me, I’m so confident an feel so free, which then makes me wonder, why can’t I be that way when I’m just ‘normal’ because I’m still in those same situations

I once enrolled onto a confidence class, I felt like such a failure, the others in the group talked of their progress, while I never found it helpful at all, but then sitting in a room, being told how to be more confident, isn’t really going to change anything, if putting those tips into practice, was your problem to begin with

I once read a blog, where they talked of graded exposure, which I might look into myself, I want to live my life, I don’t want a list of regrets later on

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One response to “Social Phobia: My Story

  1. I know that feeling man. I can tell you graded exposure has helped me out a lot. Hell, a year ago I couldn’t even walk around the mall myself with anxiety. You have to just keep putting yourself out there.

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