Loose Ends Reset

I’ve been back on my medication, regularly that is, for a few days now, I find taking tablets strange, yes they help a little, but I can’t help but feel its only a mask for our problems, by taking them, we aren’t truly dealing with anything

It takes away that depth, an raw emotion that it sometimes takes to make any kind of breakthrough, but they have levelled me out, just enough to ‘get on with life’

Just a few days ago, I was in such a dark place, i felt ignored by everyone, but my mum has since told me, she didn’t want to come to me, asking how I was, an I can understand that, the vibe I was putting out, would have made anyone think I just wanted to be left alone

Also my doctor, DR C, said sorry for how she got angry at me last time I saw her, well she told my mum in an appointment, an the message was passed on, basically her reason was, she didn’t want me becoming addicted to diazepam, I spoke about this in another post

My only problem with it was, the fact I was there, was out of fear of what I was capable of, an I didn’t know where to turn anymore, diazepam, I thought were my one saviour at that time

But that day, it became all about the tablets, an not for what I was actually there for, or why I actually wanted them

I’m glad some things were resolved, no matter how small, any kind of silver lining in the midst of darkness, can make us feel that life isn’t as bad as we feel it may always be

So again, I’m trying to put another short chapter behind me, its best I don’t dwell on what’s happened in the past an think forward, things always have a way of sorting themselves out, one way or another

Speaking of thinking forward…

There’s a big party tomorrow, for my friends birthday, but I’ve decided not to go, although I’m tempted, but alcohol, an that kind of atmosphere, isn’t what I feel is best for me, or can handle right now

To me, its a part of my rebellious nature that the illness brings out in me, doing anything along those lines even just for fun always leads me back to that place again

The temptation of losing control, feeling free an without a care, even just for one night

But then, come tomorrow things could all change, depending on my mood…..

I am only human after all

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The Tipping Point

~ we shouldn’t live our lives by anyone elses standards, or try to please others, because where does that leave us ~

I’ve been ill now for some time, physically, I’m not sure what’s wrong, I think its my current lifestyle, the stress, my state of mind an other things

Apart from going to the shop an home again, I haven’t left the house in almost a week, I just can’t find the strength to go out, a fear is feeding my social phobia, I don’t even want to be around the people I know

I tried to explain it to my doctor, DR H, the response I got was ‘oh you should get out more’… Hello?? That’s the problem in the first place

Deep breathe….

I’m so angry lately to, I feel like I’m screaming inside, no one has even asked how I am, an I don’t want to be a burden, so I haven’t mentioned anything to anyone

I’ve barely even seen anyone, even at home, unless I go down to get something to eat etc, I don’t want their sympathy, everyone is so self absorbed in their own lives, an who am I to expect anything from them

Simple things like, before, my mum would ask if i was going out.. Well as she liked the company walking up the town to be honest, but now she gets a taxi everyday, I’m no longer needed, or thought of

I’m not a child anymore, an i know that, I’m meant to be able to handle life better, but as the years go on, I feel more helpless than ever

There’s a big party in a weeks time, but Im questioning going, usually it would be what I need to reset my mind, so to speak, but now I feel it would be exactly the thing I need to push me over the edge, I already feel like I’m starting to spiral

Its like I’m living a separate life within my own, I feel so abandoned by everyone, but at the same time, I’m tired of running to those same people for help

If you think about it, help is a funny word, what does it even mean in the life of someone coping with an illness, an wouldn’t I be feeling better instead of worse if I truly got what ‘help’ is supposed to be

Life’s Taking Its Toll

Up, down, up, down…. My constant fluctuating moods…

I’ve been feeling quite ill lately, more physical than mental, but it is beginning to take its toll on my mind, constant pain, somatic and non… Nausea an feeling like I’ve been drugged, at times I feel completely zoned out

I’ve tried to get it across to the doctor, but he’d rather be immature lately, make a joke an laugh in my face, which doesn’t help, all the while I’m trying to put on a front to everyone else to make it seem that I’m not doing so bad, while inside I feel dead, as a result, i didn’t make it to my appointment with the mental health team yesterday

My social phobic has gone crazy lately too, I don’t know why, even before I saw my doctor yesterday I had butterflies, I had nothing to be nervous of, is my mind revolting against me again

I asked for a cpn, an for my next appointment with the mental health team to be rushed forward

In my last appointment with them, I expressed how suicidal I was, an how I was afraid, but all I got was a ‘see you again in a few months’ I ended up in A&E after that

I read a few bits from their report, although it did say I had complex mental health needs, which I get… It pretty much made out that I wasn’t that bad, ‘well kempt’, ‘good eye contact’, ‘good rapport’, ‘no problem with speech or thinking’

As I said before, just because I’m articulate, an as I’m so self conscious I make an effort when I go out, its taken in the wrong way, am I meant to sit there, stare at the floor, mumble an trip over my words, an look like I don’t take pride in myself to be taken seriously??

It also said that I should see someone who treats addiction… First time I heard of it, shouldn’t I know what is going on in my own life, kept in the loop so to speak, its exhausting, I actually just sighed thinking about it there

I’ll have to wait an see what comes from all this now, hopefully something worth while

Burnt Sugar

So where am i??…

I haven’t posted in a while, I took one of my followers advice, an stayed away from everything to do with what I’m going through, an it has helped me

I stayed away from my doctors until yesterday, it was DR H, an he was no help at all, I was complaining of abdominal pains, but didn’t want to be examined again, I just didn’t want to be touched

He started being silly then, joking that he really wanted to examine me, an at one point pretending he had to hold his hand back from me, so immature, an so unprofessional

So you can see why I find it hard to truly express how I feel, an to get the proper help I feel I need

On another note:

I have an appointment on the 12th, to fill in an application form to attend a day centre, for people like me, I’m wondering is it a good idea, surrounding myself with mentally ill people on a regular basis

But perhaps I’ll meet people who are an inspiration to me, on the other hand I could just end up meeting people who are lost, an who wallow in their own misery… But misery loves company right

In my personal life, i feel like I’m having to tolerate the people around me, because they keep bringing me down, an creating unwanted drama in my life, I need to separate myself from them, an my surroundings

I need to step back from my life, an everyone in it, just for a while, a change of view, so to speak

Also I keep having this feeling that there’s this darkness inside me, it wants to be set loose, it wants chaos, but for now I’m in control, an today, I’m actually in a good place mentally

My life has always been a rollercoaster of highs an lows, an uncontrollable emotions, Its just being strong enough to deal with it that’s the problem

But the fact that I’m in a place where I’m willing to try again, is a good start