Life’s Taking Its Toll

Up, down, up, down…. My constant fluctuating moods…

I’ve been feeling quite ill lately, more physical than mental, but it is beginning to take its toll on my mind, constant pain, somatic and non… Nausea an feeling like I’ve been drugged, at times I feel completely zoned out

I’ve tried to get it across to the doctor, but he’d rather be immature lately, make a joke an laugh in my face, which doesn’t help, all the while I’m trying to put on a front to everyone else to make it seem that I’m not doing so bad, while inside I feel dead, as a result, i didn’t make it to my appointment with the mental health team yesterday

My social phobic has gone crazy lately too, I don’t know why, even before I saw my doctor yesterday I had butterflies, I had nothing to be nervous of, is my mind revolting against me again

I asked for a cpn, an for my next appointment with the mental health team to be rushed forward

In my last appointment with them, I expressed how suicidal I was, an how I was afraid, but all I got was a ‘see you again in a few months’ I ended up in A&E after that

I read a few bits from their report, although it did say I had complex mental health needs, which I get… It pretty much made out that I wasn’t that bad, ‘well kempt’, ‘good eye contact’, ‘good rapport’, ‘no problem with speech or thinking’

As I said before, just because I’m articulate, an as I’m so self conscious I make an effort when I go out, its taken in the wrong way, am I meant to sit there, stare at the floor, mumble an trip over my words, an look like I don’t take pride in myself to be taken seriously??

It also said that I should see someone who treats addiction… First time I heard of it, shouldn’t I know what is going on in my own life, kept in the loop so to speak, its exhausting, I actually just sighed thinking about it there

I’ll have to wait an see what comes from all this now, hopefully something worth while

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