Loose Ends Reset

I’ve been back on my medication, regularly that is, for a few days now, I find taking tablets strange, yes they help a little, but I can’t help but feel its only a mask for our problems, by taking them, we aren’t truly dealing with anything

It takes away that depth, an raw emotion that it sometimes takes to make any kind of breakthrough, but they have levelled me out, just enough to ‘get on with life’

Just a few days ago, I was in such a dark place, i felt ignored by everyone, but my mum has since told me, she didn’t want to come to me, asking how I was, an I can understand that, the vibe I was putting out, would have made anyone think I just wanted to be left alone

Also my doctor, DR C, said sorry for how she got angry at me last time I saw her, well she told my mum in an appointment, an the message was passed on, basically her reason was, she didn’t want me becoming addicted to diazepam, I spoke about this in another post

My only problem with it was, the fact I was there, was out of fear of what I was capable of, an I didn’t know where to turn anymore, diazepam, I thought were my one saviour at that time

But that day, it became all about the tablets, an not for what I was actually there for, or why I actually wanted them

I’m glad some things were resolved, no matter how small, any kind of silver lining in the midst of darkness, can make us feel that life isn’t as bad as we feel it may always be

So again, I’m trying to put another short chapter behind me, its best I don’t dwell on what’s happened in the past an think forward, things always have a way of sorting themselves out, one way or another

Speaking of thinking forward…

There’s a big party tomorrow, for my friends birthday, but I’ve decided not to go, although I’m tempted, but alcohol, an that kind of atmosphere, isn’t what I feel is best for me, or can handle right now

To me, its a part of my rebellious nature that the illness brings out in me, doing anything along those lines even just for fun always leads me back to that place again

The temptation of losing control, feeling free an without a care, even just for one night

But then, come tomorrow things could all change, depending on my mood…..

I am only human after all


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