Waiting To Exhale

I’ve had a bad case of cabin fever all day, I feel like my mind is shouting constantly, ”you’re bored you’re bored“ an the suicidal ideation has persisted for hours

My step dad was off work today, when he’s off my mum forgets about the rest of us, at least that’s how it feels, I’d respect that, only, they are only apart like five hours a day on week days

She complains how its lonely in the morning when he goes to work, an I’m not up yet, its only two hours, I’m always alone, like today they’ve been out all day, I’ve been here alone for hours, I feel like I’m in a prison

She doesn’t realise how lucky she is, my step dad offers to take her places all the time, but she can’t be bothered, I wish I had someone willing to take me out

My social phobia almost limits my whole life, I can barely even take a taxi to get out, its a horrible existence on the worst days when the fear affects me the most

It been harder too cause we quit smoking together on saturday, she only lasted a day, now I feel like I’m suffering it alone

Plus over the last month i’ve realised I’m getting grey hair from all the stress, an it won’t reverse until I get it under control, I thought it falling out was bad enough, though that isn’t noticeable

On top of that, my younger brother is in prison, for breaking his bale, my older brother will join him next month, silly behaviour while they’ve been drunk, little things have added up over time, nothing serious, but even still

My family life is so chaotic, an my life in general is in constant flux, always some upheaval to deal with, its how its always been, I don’t know what a normal life is like


Living Delusion

I think delusions are when you believe something that isn’t true, an you hold on to the belief even when confronted with the evidence

In the past i’ve written posts about my battle with social phobia, and one on anxiety, I’m going to write a short post now about delusions or possibly psychosis, an what its like for me

Sometimes I wonder if someday I will lose my mind all together, with no way back, its a scary thing to think about, in my worst moments, I have wished that I could form amnesia, I even looked it up online once, on ways to induce it,that’s how desperate I was to forget my life, an who I am

I’ve gone through different stages of delusions, each one lapses eventually, but in those times, everything seems so real

When I first moved home, is when I began to notice, I was convinced that my step dad was watching me with hidden cameras an could read my mind, or hear what I was thinking

as the years went on new forms of delusions developed, from believing I was psychic, to being able to control the weather, at one time even thinking evil was growing inside me

For a while I had hallucinations of ghosts, I started to believe they were following me because I was dyeing

Lately its slightly changed, moving away from delusions, examples of this would be like when I walk by a car, I believe its been rigged with a bomb, or when I can’t tell the difference between what was a dream, an what is reality

I wish I understood what is happening to me, but I’m losing insight an any understanding that I may have once had

Throwing My Life Away

So another weekend over, I ended up drinking again, running from myself is becoming an expensive new hobby, i feel like I’m literally throwing my life away

Drinking isn’t a problem yet, I just do it now an again to block out my troubles, I just don’t know what’s happening with me lately

I feel like there’s this horrible darkness hanging over me, I feel lost, an like I’m awake in a dream

It feels like there’s so much frustration an anger in my life lately, an then there’s the people in it, I feel like they drag me down, an i can barely stand to be around them anymore, or for long periods of time

Sometimes I feel bad for thinking that way, but most days something happens to reaffirm my thinking

Like today…
My mum mentioned that when my step dad goes to work in the morning, the house feels so lonely, as I an my brother stay in our own rooms, a subtle hint of blame is how it felt, how she’s feeling is how I’ve felt for years

She only seems to think of herself lately, how she feels, an how hard it is for her, this is now on a daily basis, its getting really old

Its almost like she’s a sponge, absorbing everything about me that I’ve been dealing with, with no apparent memory of me mentioning what its been like for myself

I feel like I’m a shadow in this family lately, in life in general, but with me, in about a week I’ll forget everything an life will be all rose tinted again

Its a never ending battle of emotions

Deer In The Headlights

Most people say live for today, but I can’t help thinking of tomorrow, I guess most people with an illness do

My life at the moment is like having someone juggle all the pieces, an i never know which piece is going to drop next, an like a deer in the headlights, going for any opportunity I can

I don’t want this life I’m living anymore, the unpredictability of what might happen

Over the weekend, with my brother, an his girlfriend, I got drunk, headed out of town, where I ended up in an ex cons flat, someone my brother had been in jail with, we stayed up all night drinking amongst other things, I wasn’t in any danger, but I didn’t know that beforehand, this is an example of what I’m talking about

This isn’t what I want for myself, I have my own mind, an no one forced me to do any of it, but its the dangerous excitement of it all, and the feeling of escape, although I usually end up feeling slightly ashamed

At home lately, its always the same thing, I think that’s why I’m being so impulsive an escapist, dealing with my own problems, the daily drudgery of medication, an having no one to talk to as no one listens anymore

my mums now addicted to medication, an asking for mine, an everyone elses, as I said before, she used to make me feel safe, now I feel like I’m having to be there for her, when I don’t have the strength

Then there’s my younger brother always asking for money an favours, an both my brothers always getting into trouble, an having to tiptoe around my older brothers temper

Just last night, my younger brother got drunk, landed home an was his usual annoying self, my mum had had enough, an put him out, he was then found by the police, who obviously found out he had been drinking, therefore breaking his bail, an had to go to court today as a result

But I guess this is my life, an its my own choices that are putting me in the position that i don’t want to be in, only I can make the change, although i may complain, i have no one to blame but myself

As of right now I’m just feeling slightly lost an empty, and a bit disconnected from life, not knowing where to go, or where I fit in

But… I’m coping, keeping my head above the water, nothing a good scream into a pillow won’t cure