Deer In The Headlights

Most people say live for today, but I can’t help thinking of tomorrow, I guess most people with an illness do

My life at the moment is like having someone juggle all the pieces, an i never know which piece is going to drop next, an like a deer in the headlights, going for any opportunity I can

I don’t want this life I’m living anymore, the unpredictability of what might happen

Over the weekend, with my brother, an his girlfriend, I got drunk, headed out of town, where I ended up in an ex cons flat, someone my brother had been in jail with, we stayed up all night drinking amongst other things, I wasn’t in any danger, but I didn’t know that beforehand, this is an example of what I’m talking about

This isn’t what I want for myself, I have my own mind, an no one forced me to do any of it, but its the dangerous excitement of it all, and the feeling of escape, although I usually end up feeling slightly ashamed

At home lately, its always the same thing, I think that’s why I’m being so impulsive an escapist, dealing with my own problems, the daily drudgery of medication, an having no one to talk to as no one listens anymore

my mums now addicted to medication, an asking for mine, an everyone elses, as I said before, she used to make me feel safe, now I feel like I’m having to be there for her, when I don’t have the strength

Then there’s my younger brother always asking for money an favours, an both my brothers always getting into trouble, an having to tiptoe around my older brothers temper

Just last night, my younger brother got drunk, landed home an was his usual annoying self, my mum had had enough, an put him out, he was then found by the police, who obviously found out he had been drinking, therefore breaking his bail, an had to go to court today as a result

But I guess this is my life, an its my own choices that are putting me in the position that i don’t want to be in, only I can make the change, although i may complain, i have no one to blame but myself

As of right now I’m just feeling slightly lost an empty, and a bit disconnected from life, not knowing where to go, or where I fit in

But… I’m coping, keeping my head above the water, nothing a good scream into a pillow won’t cure

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