Under A Destructive Sky

~ Stop basing your happiness on how you compare with other people ~

Its a sunny day, an the boy next door is out back playing football with his dad, I hear them laugh, an think, is it that easy to be happy

A smile to me is a mask, an not really a sign of any happy emotion, I can’t remember the last time I was truly happy, perhaps back in a time when I was still naive about life an what was going on around me

Over the years bits of me have been slowly chipped away, until now I realise I’m just a hollow shell, sometimes having to act an emotion that I can’t actually feel anymore

I think of how lucky I am, compared to some desperate souls in the world, an all the wonder that life has to offer, but sometimes that just isn’t enough when that beauty is infected with something so destructive

I can’t help but see the world as such a dark place, full of ego an selfishness, where people are only truly happy when they hurt others to get what they want out of life

There’s a saying that goes, ‘god only gives you what he thinks you can handle’
There’s also a saying that says ‘you don’t drown in water, you drown by staying there’ ~ in my case I’ve been trapped there beneath the depths of despair my whole life

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Lonely Road To Square One

I saw the mental health team today, its funny the cycle I go through, I wait for weeks for an appointment, in the lead up, I can’t wait to go, then afterwards I wish I’d never gone in the first place

I sat in the waiting room, looking around it was pretty sad, odd bits here an there on the floor, leaflets all jumbled up, the G missing on the no smoking sticker, the sad bowl with old pot pourri in it, an for some reason piles of national geographic magazines, and an art work of grapes on the wall

It kind of reminded me of my life, everything seems ok until you take the time to look a little deeper, an sitting there I was thinking the most random things, like how its like we were dogs in a kennel, waiting for our turn to be put down

Eventually I was called, i saw a new doctor today, dr castle, I’d never met him before, I expressed how I was feeling, even down to wanting to be signed into the psychiatric hospital

He told me that they prefer not to do that to people, that anything done in there, could be done on the ‘outside’ an that only the crisis team have the power to do that now… I tried to explain it was for my own safety, that seeing the mental health team for say half an hour every two weeks, or fifteen minutes every three months wasn’t good enough, as I’m having to live this way all the time

Its no help when I’m at home going out of my mind, an afraid of what I might be capable of, an the responsibility of being in control of a life, an playing tug of war with my illness

That aside, in general it was once again a waste of time, i left thinking, I have no one now to turn too, I’m alone, people don’t want to listen, my doctors tell me they don’t know what to do with me anymore, an the mental health team always seem to want someone else to shoulder the burden

So here I am once more, back to square one, the only difference being a new prescription of medication, I’m trying my best to stay strong, an take better care of myself, though sometimes I can’t help but wonder, what’s the point??

Little Me, In A Big World

~ “Hello, hello, ca-can you hear me, I can be your china doll, if you’d like to see me fall” ~ lana del rey

I’ve felt slightly strange the last couple of days, its like my life is all a dream, and I’m not really living it

lately my memories an dreams are gelling together, an sometimes I can’t remember if I dreamt something, or if it actually happened, an everything that I do, its like i didn’t

I’ve been having almost an out of body type experience

If i imagine the world, its such a big place, I can see myself, a tiny little spec among millions, its like I’m looking back at myself from above.. Its such a sad feeling that fills me with horrible emotion an somehow slight sorrow

I wish I could turn off all my feelings, be numb to everything around me, for a while I felt like I had, but the truth is I’m one of the most fragile minded people on the inside

~ here’s my heart, its yours, take it, please don’t break it ~

I think that’s why I find it hard to let people in, its the fear, fear of being hurt, that kind of hurt is what pushes me over the edge and is when I’m most vulnerable

Sometimes I just wish I could close my eyes an float away, or drift off into an eternal sleep

~ maybe I’m too much of a dreamer ~

On a different note,
I’ve been trying harder to lead a better life, I’ve quit smoking, I’m eating healthy, an I’m even working out 2-3 times a week, but if I’m honest, the harder I try, the worse I feel

I have an appointment on wednesday with the mental health team, I’m lost as to what I need anymore, I need more insight, an hopefully a better direction

~ I close my eyes, darkness… When I open them again, the darkness remains ~