Little Me, In A Big World

~ “Hello, hello, ca-can you hear me, I can be your china doll, if you’d like to see me fall” ~ lana del rey

I’ve felt slightly strange the last couple of days, its like my life is all a dream, and I’m not really living it

lately my memories an dreams are gelling together, an sometimes I can’t remember if I dreamt something, or if it actually happened, an everything that I do, its like i didn’t

I’ve been having almost an out of body type experience

If i imagine the world, its such a big place, I can see myself, a tiny little spec among millions, its like I’m looking back at myself from above.. Its such a sad feeling that fills me with horrible emotion an somehow slight sorrow

I wish I could turn off all my feelings, be numb to everything around me, for a while I felt like I had, but the truth is I’m one of the most fragile minded people on the inside

~ here’s my heart, its yours, take it, please don’t break it ~

I think that’s why I find it hard to let people in, its the fear, fear of being hurt, that kind of hurt is what pushes me over the edge and is when I’m most vulnerable

Sometimes I just wish I could close my eyes an float away, or drift off into an eternal sleep

~ maybe I’m too much of a dreamer ~

On a different note,
I’ve been trying harder to lead a better life, I’ve quit smoking, I’m eating healthy, an I’m even working out 2-3 times a week, but if I’m honest, the harder I try, the worse I feel

I have an appointment on wednesday with the mental health team, I’m lost as to what I need anymore, I need more insight, an hopefully a better direction

~ I close my eyes, darkness… When I open them again, the darkness remains ~


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