Lonely Road To Square One

I saw the mental health team today, its funny the cycle I go through, I wait for weeks for an appointment, in the lead up, I can’t wait to go, then afterwards I wish I’d never gone in the first place

I sat in the waiting room, looking around it was pretty sad, odd bits here an there on the floor, leaflets all jumbled up, the G missing on the no smoking sticker, the sad bowl with old pot pourri in it, an for some reason piles of national geographic magazines, and an art work of grapes on the wall

It kind of reminded me of my life, everything seems ok until you take the time to look a little deeper, an sitting there I was thinking the most random things, like how its like we were dogs in a kennel, waiting for our turn to be put down

Eventually I was called, i saw a new doctor today, dr castle, I’d never met him before, I expressed how I was feeling, even down to wanting to be signed into the psychiatric hospital

He told me that they prefer not to do that to people, that anything done in there, could be done on the ‘outside’ an that only the crisis team have the power to do that now… I tried to explain it was for my own safety, that seeing the mental health team for say half an hour every two weeks, or fifteen minutes every three months wasn’t good enough, as I’m having to live this way all the time

Its no help when I’m at home going out of my mind, an afraid of what I might be capable of, an the responsibility of being in control of a life, an playing tug of war with my illness

That aside, in general it was once again a waste of time, i left thinking, I have no one now to turn too, I’m alone, people don’t want to listen, my doctors tell me they don’t know what to do with me anymore, an the mental health team always seem to want someone else to shoulder the burden

So here I am once more, back to square one, the only difference being a new prescription of medication, I’m trying my best to stay strong, an take better care of myself, though sometimes I can’t help but wonder, what’s the point??


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