A Thank You Note

I want to take a moment to thank everyone who reads my blog, an for the people who leave the lovely comments of support, it let’s me know that people can relate, an that what I’m doing here is helping others like myself, an for that i’m very grateful

There’s nothing worse than struggling through in life an feeling so apart from the rest of the world, not knowing where to turn, or where we fit in

As long as we know that there are people out there who aren’t so different than us, an who know what its like to go through the same struggles in life, it let’s us know that we aren’t so alone, an gives us a little hope

Again, thank you for following me on my journey, of not recovery, but more self discovery, i wish only for you, what I wish for myself ~

Everyone who follows my blog, gets followed back, because I like to be part of other life journeys besides my own, an because it means we are in this together

Starting At The Finish

decide you want it, more than you are afraid of it

Sometimes you breathe deep, try to let it go… And sigh…

I hate bad days, all you want to do is drug yourself into a sleep, because all you feel like doing while awake is to scream, an that’s all you can hear in your head

‘I hate it here, I feel trapped, I hate being in my skin, an I can’t stand to be around anyone’

I feel emotional, an angry, angry at myself… I feel swallowed up by how I feel today

I think I’m trapped at a cross roads, an its the cause of so much frustration, I could go on living this way, but try to improve things, or take that leap the other way, take the risk to begin again

I’m lost really…

I want to be independent, that’s just how I am, perhaps that’s my problem, that I don’t want to rely on anyone, but on the other hand, I’m not strong enough to get through this alone

Help is hard to find now, i can feel the mental health team, an my doctors getting bored of me, an as you know, my family are no help

Everyone, including doctors, think that tablets are the solution, just pop a pill an get on with it, only we know what its really like

But then…

I can’t understand why, when life is getting a bit better for me, I run, an go into a state of turmoil, I find it hard to deal with mentally, then I punish myself for feeling that way

I deserve to happy, we all do…

I believe, everyone can get better, but I only feel I’m repeating myself to everyone, an they listen, but then what….

A Dark Fairytale

When you put your life into prospective, see it all laid out in front of you, sometimes its not the life you actually thought you had been living all this time

All the happy times, a distant memory, an weighed down by all the tears you’ve shed

Its like living in a dark fairytale…

Its funny when I visit my god mother, everyone sits an listens to every word I say, an not only that, they want too

With my family, everyone is so afraid they might miss something, that they would rather tune me out to see what else is going on around them

It leaves you with that feeling, where you can actually feel your heart sink

The atmosphere with them is like walking on egg shells, or waiting for a powder keg to blow at any moment

I’m not a genius or anything, but I always feel like I have to dumb myself down for them, I guess growing up, having manners an being told to be a certain way drilled into me on a daily basis, has stuck with me a little…

If i imagine a life without them, its always such a sad existence, empty an lonely

Its like a curse has been put on me, when I left care, I left all my friends behind, I lost touch, an thought I was starting again, but it seems every friend I’ve made since I moved home, have either been rejected by my family, or left town

Am I that hard to be around, that everyone leaves me in the end

From my posts, it would seem that this is my life, an though it is, these posts are more of a peek behind the mask, the part of me that I never share…

I’ve always known, that i don’t want a life of circumstance an convenience anymore, I long for excitement an danger, an a different kind of chaos, I feel so chained down

Where have I been for the last 9 years, its like I’ve been here, but not present

Like a caged bird, maybe I just want to feel free

Losing Faith In A Mother

I’m beginning to lose faith in my mum, which is so hard for me, she used to make me feel safe, now at times I feel like her baby sitter

4 years ago she quit work over a dispute with a manager, since then she has somehow formed a mental illness, depression, anxiety an ocd I think, In my opinion it formed from the boredom, the break in routine, and the sudden isolation from the world

before that she was someone to look up to, confident, had friends, went out without a care, just lived her life

A few months ago, out of the blue she became a christian, which I feel since then she’s only gotten worse, an now on top of that formed an addiction to diazepam, an the sedative quality of certain other tablets

she’s always forgetful an clumsy, always looks drowsy an wants to sleep, an walks around half the time like she’s been drinking, due to taking more than her recommended dose of medication, at times I’ve even known her to take sleeping pills during the day , she even takes medication from other family members

Its really scary sometimes, as her son, to have to watch it all, seeing her look spaced out, big wide eyes, an drifting of into worlds of her own, her speech all slurred, an incoherent, i have confronted her before about it, but it gets me nowhere, my older brother confronts her all the time, its often the cause of a few rows

I have thought of informing the doctor, but I feel like I’m betraying her somehow, she did admit it herself to the doctor once, but anything put in place to reduce her tablet intake, falls apart after a few weeks, or one tablet being stopped is just replaced with another

She doesn’t really make any effort to get better, instead believing that prayer will give her what she wants

She does attend appointments with the mental health team, but even in her last one, the main goal was to get diazepam or sleeping tablets, as eventually the doctor cuts her off, or only gives a few days supply at a time, which she’ll have taken within two days

I think my step dad should have her best interests at heart, instead of trying to keep her happy, he should lay it on the line, an confront her, in my opinion, as long as she has someone who sits back an says nothing, she’ll continue to think its ok

He looks after her current diazepam, which is only 2mg, yet she walks around with prescriptions, much stronger, an with more of a sedative quality to them, it should be the other way around

I understand I may be painting a bad picture of my mum, its just the downfall of someone I used to lean on, someone for me to turn to, now the roles feel reversed, an somehow I’ve become the parent

I’ve only lived at home now for 8 years since leaving foster care, since my mum left work, it has given us time to become closer, but sometimes now, i find it hard to be around her, I feel uncomfortable, an so unsettled

In any family there are good days an bad days, the ups an the downs, i guess its never easy for people with mental illnesses living together, an dealing with their own problems

I just want my mum back….

Can Crazy Be Loved

I’ve never really seen myself being in a relationship, I’ve never classed anyone I’ve been with as a ‘partner’ before, people see me as vulnerable an innocent, therefore they can take advantage of me, anyone I’ve come in contact with become obsessive an controlling, it must be something I do

I can get very possessive, an jealous myself, perhaps because I’ve been hurt so many times by people I’ve been close too, an I guess I do have unresolved abandonment issues

I can seem to be a bundle of confusion to people, an my social phobia never makes it easy to meet someone new, the baggage I come with like when they see who I really am

The whole time i get the repetitive voices inside, ‘you’re not good enough for them, they could do better than you’ ‘you’ll just end up being hurt again’

I think every time I’ve been hurt, my guard goes up, my heart closes down, an a wall of protection is build even higher to climb

I’ve met a couple of people who seemed perfect for me, but because of how I am, I ended up ruining things for myself, I just couldn’t give anymore of myself, I just couldn’t let go

Perhaps in time, I’ll heal, an finally open up to someone, with how I am now, I think starting a relationship would be selfish of me, for the other person