Losing Faith In A Mother

I’m beginning to lose faith in my mum, which is so hard for me, she used to make me feel safe, now at times I feel like her baby sitter

4 years ago she quit work over a dispute with a manager, since then she has somehow formed a mental illness, depression, anxiety an ocd I think, In my opinion it formed from the boredom, the break in routine, and the sudden isolation from the world

before that she was someone to look up to, confident, had friends, went out without a care, just lived her life

A few months ago, out of the blue she became a christian, which I feel since then she’s only gotten worse, an now on top of that formed an addiction to diazepam, an the sedative quality of certain other tablets

she’s always forgetful an clumsy, always looks drowsy an wants to sleep, an walks around half the time like she’s been drinking, due to taking more than her recommended dose of medication, at times I’ve even known her to take sleeping pills during the day , she even takes medication from other family members

Its really scary sometimes, as her son, to have to watch it all, seeing her look spaced out, big wide eyes, an drifting of into worlds of her own, her speech all slurred, an incoherent, i have confronted her before about it, but it gets me nowhere, my older brother confronts her all the time, its often the cause of a few rows

I have thought of informing the doctor, but I feel like I’m betraying her somehow, she did admit it herself to the doctor once, but anything put in place to reduce her tablet intake, falls apart after a few weeks, or one tablet being stopped is just replaced with another

She doesn’t really make any effort to get better, instead believing that prayer will give her what she wants

She does attend appointments with the mental health team, but even in her last one, the main goal was to get diazepam or sleeping tablets, as eventually the doctor cuts her off, or only gives a few days supply at a time, which she’ll have taken within two days

I think my step dad should have her best interests at heart, instead of trying to keep her happy, he should lay it on the line, an confront her, in my opinion, as long as she has someone who sits back an says nothing, she’ll continue to think its ok

He looks after her current diazepam, which is only 2mg, yet she walks around with prescriptions, much stronger, an with more of a sedative quality to them, it should be the other way around

I understand I may be painting a bad picture of my mum, its just the downfall of someone I used to lean on, someone for me to turn to, now the roles feel reversed, an somehow I’ve become the parent

I’ve only lived at home now for 8 years since leaving foster care, since my mum left work, it has given us time to become closer, but sometimes now, i find it hard to be around her, I feel uncomfortable, an so unsettled

In any family there are good days an bad days, the ups an the downs, i guess its never easy for people with mental illnesses living together, an dealing with their own problems

I just want my mum back….

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