Starting At The Finish

decide you want it, more than you are afraid of it

Sometimes you breathe deep, try to let it go… And sigh…

I hate bad days, all you want to do is drug yourself into a sleep, because all you feel like doing while awake is to scream, an that’s all you can hear in your head

‘I hate it here, I feel trapped, I hate being in my skin, an I can’t stand to be around anyone’

I feel emotional, an angry, angry at myself… I feel swallowed up by how I feel today

I think I’m trapped at a cross roads, an its the cause of so much frustration, I could go on living this way, but try to improve things, or take that leap the other way, take the risk to begin again

I’m lost really…

I want to be independent, that’s just how I am, perhaps that’s my problem, that I don’t want to rely on anyone, but on the other hand, I’m not strong enough to get through this alone

Help is hard to find now, i can feel the mental health team, an my doctors getting bored of me, an as you know, my family are no help

Everyone, including doctors, think that tablets are the solution, just pop a pill an get on with it, only we know what its really like

But then…

I can’t understand why, when life is getting a bit better for me, I run, an go into a state of turmoil, I find it hard to deal with mentally, then I punish myself for feeling that way

I deserve to happy, we all do…

I believe, everyone can get better, but I only feel I’m repeating myself to everyone, an they listen, but then what….

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One response to “Starting At The Finish

  1. *sympathy*

    I really hate those kind of days too. Everyone has such ‘helpful’ suggestions or comments;

    “just try doing stuff until you find something you like”
    “try and create a routine/food plan and stick to it.”
    “just fake it until you make it”
    “the cage door is open, you just have to walk through it”

    That last one was from my actual therapist at one time. Like if I just tried a little harder, I could make my life better/perfect. Great, so now it’s my own fault I can’t ‘snap out of’ being depressed?

    I “know” that i “just” need to “change my thinking,” be patient, make microscopically incremental progress until “one day” I won’t feel so bad.

    Having been smacked across the heart/mind/ego/whatever by enough failed relationships and other ego-destroying flunked risk attempts (no matter what that number is), it makes it just that much less likely that trying again will seem worth it.

    I want to fix myself by myself, I know that so far I have not done so. therefore I need to get help. But I don’t really trust anyone else enough to help.

    Also change is scary…. so sometimes it’s one step forward, and sometimes three steps back.

    Something like that?

    I hope it helps at least a bit to know that you’re not alone.

    Not hating yourself for feeling bad about feeling bad is hard. I struggle with that issue a lot. Someone made a comic about it;

    http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

    “this is why I’ll never be an adult” on the same site is especially good too.

    Knowing that you deserve to feel happy is a good starting point. You should feel proud of yourself for knowing/believing that.

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