Me, Myself And Crazy

Have you ever had that feeling of building pressure with everything going on in your life, like a song building and building to a crescendo… You just want to shout out, stop!

I’m trying not to complain so much anymore, it comes to the point where, people hear me say I’m not feeling so good, an they begin to think, ‘you’re always sick’ it gets boring for them, which I can understand

Mental illness can get overlooked, because no one can see what’s going on, its an internal struggle of the mind, so some people don’t understand what they can’t see… Seeing is believing right!

I need to start breaking old habits, who says you can only make plans to change your life on a new year, and its a long time coming for me to bite the bullet

My life is like readers digest, everything I do can be predicted down to a tee, like I’m living my life by a script, I’ve isolated myself into such strict routines, when I do make plans they keep falling through, so I can’t build my hopes up, especially when people keep letting me down

I recently started opening up to someone, was it the right time, I thought so, its better when things aren’t planned, you just go with it, but once again sadly things didn’t work out, apparently I didn’t give enough attention, or enough of my time, but you know, its ok, I’m hurt, but I’m lucky it was early days, any goodbye with feelings is hard, its sad when anything that meant something is final

There is still a chance to start again, the same sorrys I’ve had so many times in life, I’m tired of being blamed for how others feel, in those moments, its not about how I’ve felt, but about how they feel

Its hard for me to give second chances, once someone hurts me, something happens, where my feeling shut off, and I feel nothing anymore, its both a good and bad thing, I think they call it black and white thinking

Its upsets in my life like that, that seem to spark of this chaos inside me, an it brings me to the darker side of myself

People around me have begun to notice me change, I get asked am I ok a lot, that I seem, sad, distant an lost

I’ve been told I need to get away for a while, which I think is a good plan, my life an the people in it, can be quite toxic at times, to the point where I’m wanting to be alone more often, maybe as I’m getting older, I can’t handle it as much as I could a couple of years ago, I’ll be twenty seven next year, an I have to take myself into consideration, how much longer can I breathe in this environment

Inside I’m slowly crumbling, little bits chipping away all the time, the cross roads of my life needs a decision

I have an appointment with the mental health team next week, I’m going to get them to read my blog, its the only way they will truly understand

Moving backwards, or standing still, is no longer an option


Different Day, Same Life

I wish I knew the answers, I wish someone, anyone did, to help me

Today I wasn’t present at all

It started with me feeling tired, my medication was fuelling that from the night before

Running thoughts of how my life is so predictable lately, an I’m tired of just going through the motions

I’ve been staring off into space, all day, lost in my own mind, losing myself, an only finding bitter, twisted emotions when I surfaced again

Its come to the point where there isn’t anything to say to the people I know anymore, because I see them everyday, so I find myself caught up in pointless conversations

I find myself just nodding along, a smile… Inside I’m dead, an I wonder what am I doing here, I feel like life has literally, sucked the life from me, I’m like some kind of hollowed out shell, the lights are on, but no ones home anymore

Its hard to explain my emotional state, but its like I’ve split of into this other side of me, where i feel like I’m losing my mind, an the scary thing is, is that I can’t fight it

All that’s left, is this empty, bitter, lonely thing that yearns for attention, some evil poison, that feeds off of the emotions of others, an I hate what I’ve become

The doctor warned me before, too much, an I’ll burn out, I’m heading for some kind of break down, an where this chapter of my life ends, is something I don’t know, but what I do know is, is that I’m not in control anymore

So what do you do, when you’ve tried again an again, to no avail, fought your way back, time an time again, but you keep being pulled under, an everyone has abandoned you, they don’t know how to help you, an you can no longer help yourself

Mental illness comes with a shovel, an its up to each individual, how far down they dig themselves into the dark pit of despair, in my case, I’m not alone in the process, an people around me, I feel, are only to happy to sit back an watch me do it