Boy In The Mirror: Cruel Intentions

Sometimes I think to myself, I wish I could be a better person, someone selfless, someone who could smile at strangers without paranoid judgement

I wish I could risk my heart more, live in the moment, take risks, lighten up an laugh more, give more freely, without all the mind games

What’s funny is, that is how I used to be, but that person seems like someone I’ve only read or heard about somewhere in an old story

But now I image myself like a bulb, that once was bright an glowing, but over the years its become so dim, to now were it only flickers

I don’t like how I am lately, snapping at people, the anger inside, and the care free cruel nature that’s somehow surfaced, an is eating away at any good left in me, I’m like poison, infecting everything around me, an feeding off of other peoples emotions

I don’t feel like a good person, when in fact I must be, because that’s what I’m told

Its not a split personality, an its not me, if it were, wouldn’t it always have been there, an would i have to suppress it so much, so what is it, is it possible its part of a personality disorder

I think life is taking its toll on my mind, its metaphorically killing me, the old me who I once was, its like life itself is strangling the life out of me, to now were I’m almost trapped in the shadows of darkness, an that darkness has taken a life of its own in me

~ ஜ ~

Its strange how, when something bad happens in life, you can actually feel some kind of split in your mind, like in that moment you get a glimpse of chaotic free-fall

Life is probably the biggest responsibility, you’re in charge of a whole life, your life

in a marriage, if things aren’t working, you can divorce, if your job is too much for you, you can quit, if you don’t like someone or something, you can sell, dump, or remove it from your life, but there’s not escaping from yourself

We can only try our best to make things better for ourselves, because in the end, only you can help yourself….

This post is quite deep in how I’ve explained things, but its how it feels, an it makes more sense to me to express things in this way

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Eclipse Of Turmoil

You wouldn’t think that my life could out do itself, an take things up an notch, but like myself, you’d be wrong!

Things had been quite quiet for me, more than usual anyway…
Come saturday, when its like I’d been dialled up to level ten, I was slightly manic all day

I was invited for a drink on saturday night… In the back of my mind, I guess I knew it was a bad idea, but the need for a bit of fun, an a release of everything pent up inside made me ignore that

After an ok, an slightly drama free night, i went to bed, an the next day, I went on home, but as usual, things carried on after I left, things escalated further, resulting in my older brother getting into more than one fight on sunday night

He first rehashed a new fight with an old enemy, an then started another fight with someone else who was making threats

It ended with my aunt spilting the second guy open with a plank of wood, when originally, she only got involved to separate them

My brother then got arrested for drinking, which was a breech of his bail

Now everyone’s talking about it across facebook, an gossiping behind closed doors, our family name is like dirt, but I know I played no part in it, I never do, its one thing I can honestly say, my name is clean, but I guess we all get tarred with the same brush

That’s the gist of it, I’m not going to explain it in great detail, its enough to get my point across, an that’s my only aim in this post

So… Somehow now, its like I’ve split off into another life, like I’ve been ripped from my life, an now I’m looking in from the outside

All I want is a drama free life, a normal life, by normal standards anyway

No End To Weekend Drama

So the drama rollercoaster of life rolls on: one step forward two steps back

Wednesday night, no shock, my younger brother gets paid, an gets drunk, its a common theme on his pay days, he ended up falling out with our mum, which resulting in him being put out

Everyone feels that he doesn’t care, he has no respect for anyone or anything, I feel he just doesn’t grasp the concept of respect

Like that night, when I’m around, an there’s a row, i usually get dragged into it, people seem to want me to pick sides, usually its someone saying that I love them more, or that I’m closer to them than others, this is mostly instigated by my younger brother, an I don’t want to be involved

When he’s sober, he’s one of the nicest, and kindest people you could meet, its the Jekyll and hyde of being drunk that causes the problems, on a normal day we are so close as a family, then something like this happens… Quite regularly…

Anyway, he came back home again yesterday, an everything is forgotten.. For now, I’ve chalked it up to, its just another one of those days of many in my life

Then we come to last night, an this time it was my older brother, he ended up ‘partying’ with a few ‘drink buddies’ all night, that’s three weeks in a row now, I never understand why he invites certain people in when he’s having a drink, but when sober, you never see them around

Those certain people, began to get to know me, I’d see them in the street, an they’d say hi, that’s when I knew I’d gone too far joining in with the whole thing, when people like that know who I am

I thought I’d gotten away from that kind of life, but its only been two weeks since I had one of those nights myself

Alcohol is poison, an when abused it can destroy lives, a couple of years ago I found myself drinking 3-4 days a week, as time past, I actually found myself craving it all the time, so I can, in a way, understand the ‘need’ for it in some people

Moving on to things in general, i haven’t really been out that much since tuesday, apart from going to the seaside on thursday, an trips to the shop

It showed today when again I went to the shop, this time with my step dad, even though I was in a car, I felt so uncomfortable, so out of place, anxious an scared, I couldn’t wait to get back home, everything seemed so bright, an like it wasn’t real, it was a horrible feeling wrapped in fear

I’ve also somehow got caught up in a new ‘romance’ were the words ‘I love you’ have already been spoken from their side…. Even before the first date, which is meant to be wednesday

This happens often, I find myself in intense relationships with people, I never lead anyone on, I never use the word love, I never promise anything, I always say to be friends first, to take things slow, over time, I can feel the pressure building, an eventually things fall apart, usually in a way where I get blamed, an we never talk again

I’m trying to deal with my emotions about it all, I don’t know how I feel, do I feel anything, I’m so confused lately, I’m not sure I know what’s going on, I’m sort of running on auto pilot

I’m so stressed out, emotional, but I don’t play the whole ‘oh poor me’ card, life is hard, isn’t everyone’s in a way, an its nice to know I can be loved, no matter what form in comes in

Eclipse

Today is a beautiful day, the sun is shining, I envy the care free, not a care in the world type of people, how I wish I could be more like them

How I wish I could just walk outside, walk down the street an smile to myself, because I’m happy an feel content, sadly I don’t have it that easy

Today for me was like a whirlwind, my aunts house is like its own little planet, so much happens under one roof, an its because of that, mostly negative, you can’t help but feel it gives off bad energy, it drags you down, an its not a good feeling

My older brother again was in a mood, there’s always something, an the verbal abuse my aunt gets from him is disgusting, an its on a daily basis

I learned a long time ago, to keep my mouth shut, because there’s nothing you can say, so its better to not get involved, its just not normal, an although its not directed at me, it affects me mentally, its just toxic, and its relentless

Then I have my mum, taking her meds up an alleyway, because its such a source of rows within the family, how they affect her, so now she doesn’t want to be seen taking them

So today there she was again, stumbling around like she’d been drinking, slurring her words an falling asleep, an the worst part is, if you confront her, even in a mature, calm manner, she plays the part of the victim, an I’m really getting tired of it, you know how its affecting people around you, yet you continue to do it, an when people try to help her, its like we are bullies

My older brother handles it in the wrong way, but the softly approach doesn’t work either, I’ve given up trying

I actually watch the clock now, waiting to be home, wishing I wasn’t there, so I will take time away from them, I can’t handle it anymore, its too stressful

I’ve explained some of what I’ve talked about in this post in greater detail in other posts, so I won’t rehash it all in this one

Now i’m so glad to be home, I can shut myself away, an recharge, take a deep breath an process everything

Reliving In A Memory

Sometimes we just need to get away, away from everything we know, an go back to something we knew, a time when we were happy

A few of us headed away yesterday to the zoo, I love to revisit things that I loved as a child, perhaps its when I was truly happy, too naive to know any better, an what made it even more special was that it was with family, something I didn’t get to do years ago

As I’ve explained in past posts, I grew up in foster care

The day started with the usual drama, my older brother was in a mood, he was being rude an little fights broke out between him an his girlfriend, so at first I regretted going, but as time past it got better, an it turned out to be a good day in the end

With so many people around, I did suddenly feel anxious, but then something happened, I was able to ignore everyone around me, like they weren’t there, an my social phobia wasn’t even an issue

We were in belfast, its miles from our little town, but its like being in another world, where no one seems to care who you are, an you don’t really get judged, its filled with so many different cultures, an although I wouldn’t want to live there, it strangely feels like home

It helped me to realise that i need to start believing that not everyone is out to hurt me, an that I can be a part of the world, just like everyone else

Boy In The Mirror

If we can no longer fight back, we put our lives in the hands of the people we think will save us from ourselves

Yesterday sitting in the psychologists office, I was thinking, ok, here we go again, what more can I say that hasn’t been said, what more can I say to make them see I’m suffering

It was strange how calm I felt, but more like I felt at home, i said, that being there in that moment, felt more normal to me, than my real life

Maybe because its where I feel calm… My shelter in the storm

Trying to get where you want to be with the mental health team, can be so exhausting, in my case anyway, only the good points are picked up on, an the more serious things seemed to be shadowed, I expressed my distress, an the fear of everything in my life at the moment

Nothing…

Its emotionally draining, you go in, an lay your soul bare, you don’t want sympathy, you just want answers, you just don’t want to go it alone anymore, secretly we hope they’ll have a magic wand, and everything will be ok again

At one point I asked, what is wrong with me, because there comes a point when you don’t even recognise your own reflection anymore, its like a person you used to know long ago, you’ve begun to give up, there just isn’t the strength to fight anymore, an you know you can no longer live with it alone, you just want to know what’s happening to you

The only thing that seemed to be taken serious, was my alleged diazepam abuse, which my doctor had informed them about… Where do they get that from, I got diazepam for a couple of weeks, which were limited to only two days worth at a time, so I had to explain myself, an it was like defending myself against being some kind of addict

I think it stems back to when I was very suicidal, I felt diazepam were the only thing holding me together at that time, when I had expressed that to the doctor, I was accused of trying to blackmail her

Again this proves my point, where the lesser is paid more attention to, than the actual issue at hand

In the end, I guess it helped to get most of what I wanted to say out there, everything that had been building up inside for weeks, I feel no further forward, but it was enough to keep me from going off the deep end for now anyway

Skull An Cross Bones

~ no one could save me, no drug could fix me, it hit me now, I feel like I’m going to explode ~ cover drive

I hate this feeling, of a jump between two worlds, when you feel apart from the real one, an you feel you’re on the outside

My mind is slowly falling apart, I can actually feel myself becoming unhinged, its like being ripped from reality, an its too much for my mind to process, its like I’m playing catch up all the time

I’m trying to function as best I can, trying to hold it together, I’m so emotional, but i’m just going through the motions, an I feel so alone in it all

The constant drama in my life means there is no harbour from the storm

Little things are blown so out of proportion in my mind, things that mean nothing are beginning to mean way to much to me, I feel so under pressure all the time, so overwhelmed, drowning as I’ve called it before

You get the thoughts, ‘what is happening to me’ … ‘Will someone please help me’ you get scared, but there is nowhere to hide, and you can’t run from yourself

Though I’m in no way an expert, i’ve been researching how I am, and it seems its just mild symptoms of psychosis, I say mild, its a serious illness, but its not time to panic, I’m still in control.. Just

I’ve been staying away from the doctors, an I haven’t been talking to anyone about how I feel, its a conscious decision I made, it’s ok, because I’ve always been very independent anyway, an I have an appointment with the mental health team on thursday, where I’ll hash it out

We’ll see what happens, I’m not as weak as I might sound, I’m a tough cookie ”enter smiley face here”