Boy In The Mirror

If we can no longer fight back, we put our lives in the hands of the people we think will save us from ourselves

Yesterday sitting in the psychologists office, I was thinking, ok, here we go again, what more can I say that hasn’t been said, what more can I say to make them see I’m suffering

It was strange how calm I felt, but more like I felt at home, i said, that being there in that moment, felt more normal to me, than my real life

Maybe because its where I feel calm… My shelter in the storm

Trying to get where you want to be with the mental health team, can be so exhausting, in my case anyway, only the good points are picked up on, an the more serious things seemed to be shadowed, I expressed my distress, an the fear of everything in my life at the moment

Nothing…

Its emotionally draining, you go in, an lay your soul bare, you don’t want sympathy, you just want answers, you just don’t want to go it alone anymore, secretly we hope they’ll have a magic wand, and everything will be ok again

At one point I asked, what is wrong with me, because there comes a point when you don’t even recognise your own reflection anymore, its like a person you used to know long ago, you’ve begun to give up, there just isn’t the strength to fight anymore, an you know you can no longer live with it alone, you just want to know what’s happening to you

The only thing that seemed to be taken serious, was my alleged diazepam abuse, which my doctor had informed them about… Where do they get that from, I got diazepam for a couple of weeks, which were limited to only two days worth at a time, so I had to explain myself, an it was like defending myself against being some kind of addict

I think it stems back to when I was very suicidal, I felt diazepam were the only thing holding me together at that time, when I had expressed that to the doctor, I was accused of trying to blackmail her

Again this proves my point, where the lesser is paid more attention to, than the actual issue at hand

In the end, I guess it helped to get most of what I wanted to say out there, everything that had been building up inside for weeks, I feel no further forward, but it was enough to keep me from going off the deep end for now anyway

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