No End To Weekend Drama

So the drama rollercoaster of life rolls on: one step forward two steps back

Wednesday night, no shock, my younger brother gets paid, an gets drunk, its a common theme on his pay days, he ended up falling out with our mum, which resulting in him being put out

Everyone feels that he doesn’t care, he has no respect for anyone or anything, I feel he just doesn’t grasp the concept of respect

Like that night, when I’m around, an there’s a row, i usually get dragged into it, people seem to want me to pick sides, usually its someone saying that I love them more, or that I’m closer to them than others, this is mostly instigated by my younger brother, an I don’t want to be involved

When he’s sober, he’s one of the nicest, and kindest people you could meet, its the Jekyll and hyde of being drunk that causes the problems, on a normal day we are so close as a family, then something like this happens… Quite regularly…

Anyway, he came back home again yesterday, an everything is forgotten.. For now, I’ve chalked it up to, its just another one of those days of many in my life

Then we come to last night, an this time it was my older brother, he ended up ‘partying’ with a few ‘drink buddies’ all night, that’s three weeks in a row now, I never understand why he invites certain people in when he’s having a drink, but when sober, you never see them around

Those certain people, began to get to know me, I’d see them in the street, an they’d say hi, that’s when I knew I’d gone too far joining in with the whole thing, when people like that know who I am

I thought I’d gotten away from that kind of life, but its only been two weeks since I had one of those nights myself

Alcohol is poison, an when abused it can destroy lives, a couple of years ago I found myself drinking 3-4 days a week, as time past, I actually found myself craving it all the time, so I can, in a way, understand the ‘need’ for it in some people

Moving on to things in general, i haven’t really been out that much since tuesday, apart from going to the seaside on thursday, an trips to the shop

It showed today when again I went to the shop, this time with my step dad, even though I was in a car, I felt so uncomfortable, so out of place, anxious an scared, I couldn’t wait to get back home, everything seemed so bright, an like it wasn’t real, it was a horrible feeling wrapped in fear

I’ve also somehow got caught up in a new ‘romance’ were the words ‘I love you’ have already been spoken from their side…. Even before the first date, which is meant to be wednesday

This happens often, I find myself in intense relationships with people, I never lead anyone on, I never use the word love, I never promise anything, I always say to be friends first, to take things slow, over time, I can feel the pressure building, an eventually things fall apart, usually in a way where I get blamed, an we never talk again

I’m trying to deal with my emotions about it all, I don’t know how I feel, do I feel anything, I’m so confused lately, I’m not sure I know what’s going on, I’m sort of running on auto pilot

I’m so stressed out, emotional, but I don’t play the whole ‘oh poor me’ card, life is hard, isn’t everyone’s in a way, an its nice to know I can be loved, no matter what form in comes in

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