Turbulence

I’m trying to deal with what I’m going through, affairs of the heart aside, but family drama is like rain, its never too far away

My younger brother, as I’ve mentioned before, is living with us, an has been for about nine months, he pays rent, but takes liberties too often, he has no respect for anyone, an just uses us when he needs something

Once his bail was lifted, he was back to the old him again, getting drunk… He had been warned, if he was drinking, to stay away from the house, but he landed home at 4:40am, shouting an roaring to get in, an throwing stones at our bedroom windows, when we ignored him, he then tried to force open the windows downstairs, an trying to force open the doors, an giving abuse to the neighbours, that must have been looking out, wondering what was going on

it takes a lot to anger my step dad, he had been out early, as he works for the counsel, he’s a bin man, but for extra money, on sundays he does the early street cleaning… When my step dad got home, my brother was still trying to get in, my step dad couldn’t take anymore, an through anger let him in, but warned not to be making any noise

We’ve had all we can take, he never seems to have money, even though he gets enough, yet constantly begs for money an smokes, eating food that’s for everyone to share, by that I mean all the nice things, when I last quizzed him about it, all I got was, ‘I pay rent’ an ‘first come, first serve’ other times I just get ignored, he also just leaves his mess for someone else to clean up, an just goes on into our rooms an uses our aftershaves, I’ve actually had to start hiding them

So I’m done, an last night, not only for me, was the last straw, my mums now told him, she thinks its about time he was moving on, an try to find a place of his own

Today we left him at home, an we went for a drive to the marina, had a nice walk around the water, it was so peaceful, being around water always is for me, we were happy, a family, but like anything you have to come home to, there’s no running away from it

Emotions In Motionless

Ever have those days, you lay in bed, motionless, lifeless… Every sound you can hear, only seems to deepen your mood, a car, a dog, peoples voices in the distance

Perhaps you realise that, with or without you, the world goes on, an it will continue to do so, you don’t really care, you wish there was an easy way out, you call for help, but only in your mind an passing thoughts

You try to pick yourself up, maybe tell yourself, its just the illness, its just me in the moment, come tomorrow I’ll regret anything I do, maybe you weren’t even going to do anything in the first place, but somehow having that thought, the wondering, it somehow helps

Maybe you think, some day, someone will help me, save me, won’t they??

They’ll notice I’ve changed, I’m not the usual old me, not for attention, but to know you’re loved, to know there are people who care, maybe just a hug, an it’ll all be ok again.. Won’t it??

But we are still here, we’re strong, stronger than we think, we can do it, an we will, hope goes a long way, as well as inner strength an belief in ourselves

Hearts Last Beat Of Love

I haven’t really felt like myself since my date on saturday, its an emotion I’m trying to bury, an just get on with my life

Come sunday, I tried my best to be how we were with each other all along, but it felt strange, I’ve now left the site where we met, I also decided not to message her, I wanted to give her the chance to message me, to see if she was mature enough, or cared enough to miss me, an also to help me make up my mind once an for all.. Tonight will be three days, and nothing

It can be viewed as ‘mind games’… But I don’t mean it in that way, its give an take, I’m done making all the effort, if there were real feelings there, you couldn’t go for days without talking to that other person, so after tonight, in my mind, its over, sometimes sadly that’s life, an i won’t be blogging about it again after today

I’m proud of myself though, I opened my heart to someone again, I let my guard down, let someone in, I went on a date, miles from where I live, on my own, fought my fears an social phobia, an came out the other side

I won’t let myself get into that situation again though, where there are feelings involved before you truly know who that other person really is, I guess how ‘normal’ people do things, it gets too complicated an messy, i do believe in love, an it does work out for some people, an I wish those people only happiness

We need to learn how to smile on our own, an not always rely on someone else to make us happy

Once Upon.. A Complicated Love Story

Yesterday I finally met my ‘complicated romance’ …is that a good way of putting it?? ….it had been talked about for weeks, a relationship formed before this day, meeting was the final step in a whirlwind of shared emotions

The day started of with nerves, of course, I had played the day out a million times in my head

I got ready, tried to look nice, or at least as close to one of the photos I’d sent, I’d taken at least a hundred photos, then picked the best ones, I wanted to look like ‘those ones’, I had a few drinks, not to get drunk, just enough so I wouldn’t chicken out or make excuses

I had put off meeting a few times, if I could turn back time, I would, an should have done it sooner

When I arrived, I waited around, I was on my own waiting for her to come find me, getting sweet messages in the mean time, we met, had an awkward hug, I can’t really remember how I felt, calm an happy I think that that moment was finally over

She had suggested going for coffee, which I didn’t mind, it wasn’t that short of a walk, an the awkward silence was weird, I’d see her looking at me, I’d turn an we’d sort of laugh nervously, saying a few words here an there

I guess its strange, there’s the you from the phone, then there’s the real you, which should be the same person, but it isn’t, I guess you’re braver on the other end of a screen

Where were the two people from all the messages… Now it was just like two strangers

Sitting at starbucks, we spoke very little, it was hard because I felt like I was trying really hard, eventually I said we should go, because it was getting boring just sitting there, I just thought, if we were moving, it would be easier to feel more free an loosen up a bit

We went around a few shops, I noticed she was on her phone a few times, texting, it was ok I guess, but I didn’t like the thought, that maybe she was talking to other guys, any other day, but not today

She wasn’t replying to my messages as quick that same morning, so I had checked the dating site where we had met, an sure enough, she was online, I had mentioned how I didn’t like it in the past, an she had asked did I want her to delete her account, I said no

She had deleted it before, her way of proving that we were going to try an see what happened with us, but later made a new account, because she was ‘lonely’, I can see by that, as at first we messaged all the time, swapped nice photos, sent each other songs, she didn’t like talking as much on the phone, so we’d send voice notes, she liked to listen to my voice before she went to sleep, my photo was her screen saver etc

After a while, the messages became less an less, some days maybe only one message between us, some days not at all, there was a distance between us, so meeting was the next step, or I couldn’t see it going any further

Originally the plan that day, had been to meet, an go back to her place for dinner, have a few drinks etc, beforehand I’d been asked to stay over, but I didn’t want to really commit to anything, I never really wanted something so serious so soon

As time past I realised it wasn’t what I wanted to really do, things just didn’t feel right, because i had asked her, ‘do you want me to come back’, ‘what do you want me to do’… To which I only got a stare an a ‘its up to you’ response

So I said I didn’t want to push things any further, I’d go home, an we could meet again soon, she waited with me till my bus came, I kept thinking, its not to late, do what you had planned, an go home later, but that was that, something was lacking, an I knew I was doing the right thing… I got a message straight away, ‘thanks for meeting me, see you again very soon’

We didn’t really talk much last night, again I checked, an again she was online, today I asked how was it for her, she said it was ok, but she was shy, an that it seemed like I didn’t like her because I had mentioned I was bored, but as you’ve read, I didn’t mean it that way

She said she still feels the same for me, but on my behalf, those feelings I was beginning to have, aren’t as strong now, I didn’t feel any spark, or chemistry, but that’s only from one meeting, which didn’t really go so well

Today I feel, somewhat emotional, an I can’t really understand why, I feel horrible inside, like I’ve lost someone, an like I’m trying hard to keep a connection, that I don’t feel is there anymore

I just don’t think it will work if I’m honest, I feel its not ‘meant to be’ yet I feel really hurt an sad, even though I know all that, its like the thought of her meeting someone else perhaps, an saying all the things that she said to me, to someone else, is really hard

Even though its left like nothings changed, i now have to see how it plays out, an what will come of it all

I know its never a good idea to get in so deep before you have even met someone, but it couldn’t be helped this time, it just happened that way, Its complicated, its not love on my side, but if its not love, an I don’t see a future, then what is it, an should I be so quick to call it all to an end

Inside, it feels like its already over, I’ve been thinking about it most of today, to the point where I’m drained, I think it might just be my issue, I have to work through it, an for all I know, things could work out, I just put so much hope, an expectation into it all, an I’m judging it on one meeting, it takes time to form real feelings for someone, something I let be clouded with the thought of being happy

So I’ll keep the hope alive, until I know for sure how I really feel, when all the dust inside my mind has settled, I have to remember, it was always more complicated than normal, an i’m dealing with this while also having a mental illness, my emotions are naturally more heightened than a regular person

Deep Breath, And Breathe Again

I’m so mixed up lately… I have two lives playing out in my head, there’s me, the quiet, quite shy, keeps himself to himself, nice guy, then there’s tylar, the out going, adventurous side, who wants to live an take control of the chaos

Tylar is all the sides to myself that I keep under control, its somehow spilt of into another person, not spilt personality, but somewhere on the border, because that side to me has separate thoughts of its own, which is weird I guess, but why I also regard it as another person.. Maybe that doesn’t make sense to people reading this, but that’s how it is now

I’m actually tired of being ‘damaged’… Tired of being so emotional, but having to hold it in, or hide an let it all go in private, there’s no one I can turn to, an it feels so lonely to exist that way

I hate living the life of needing help, but the ‘help’ needs to look up a computer, or notes, to remind them of what’s going on with me, even though I’ve been seeing them for years, ok they lead busy lives, but am I that disregarded in the space of say two weeks, its like I’m a stranger, there for the first time

I hate living each day, in normal surroundings, but something pulls me from what’s going on around me, like I’m there, but I’m somehow outside real life, like I can see beyond the everyday an that moments existence

I’ll be happy, but my mind pulls me down, the feeling of dread washes over me, like a rollercoaster of mini highs, an quick lows, its like the bad side of the illness, waiting in the shadows, coming out every now an again, just to remind me its there, like I can’t really be happy, without a price

My mind will race, with nothing but negative thoughts, sometimes make me remember old memories, flashing them in my head so fast I can’t keep up, I actually have to beg it to stop sometimes, other times it’ll flash me things that haven’t happened, like my mind is playing someone elses life on fast forward, right up until they are old, or show me how they’ll die etc, its horrible

I’m just angry, angry at life, angry at myself for being so weak, an telling myself it’ll be ok, when I know it won’t, for trusting people who always hurt me, for putting up with how selfish people around me are, for having to fake emotions to fit in, and also for punishing myself so much

I wish I could open up more to people, I hate that I can be so backward an cold, it isn’t that hard to hug someone, to say ‘I love you’ to keep eye contact, an not be so awkward, learn to trust again, an not be so paranoid that people are out to get me

But also to stop being selfish with my emotions in general, i guess in a way I’m testing people, but really I’m pushing them away

This is all just a toxic weight on my shoulders, the repeating thoughts an torments of a troubled mind

Hmmm… Deep breath…

Aspire To Be

You always know when you want more out of life… Movie quotes, famous quotes, an peoples advice, all point to the fact that, you should be happy with what you have, or that you should learn to live with what you’re given.. But not me, I’ve tried that, an I know now that I want something more, I want a better life, a new life

I need to learn, that I can’t rely on anyone, yes I have people around me that love me, but at the same time, there’s so much ego an selfishness, an the love of being the centre of attention

In the end, no one is truly there for me, an love is nothing without empathy

I guess these days, i’m only living to exist, an I only exist to live, but i know that life is not perfect, an it is what we make it

I need to feel alive again, this life I’m living is slowly killing everything I am, an everything I used to be, to the point where, when something good happens to me, its like it never really did, I kind of have to remind myself that it was me, yet it feels like a dream

I’m reminded everyday, that life has so much to offer, an there is so much out there beyond our back yard, I want to be there, I want to see it… An not just to imagine or dream it

Silent Screaming

Scream… Scream… Scream…
On the inside anyway…

I haven’t been feeling well for a few days now, there feels like there’s air trapped in my chest, sometimes its painful, an I’m always so tired, no vitality at all

Saturday night I lost some of the power in my left arm, which travelled to my left leg, an been having really bad hunger pains, inappropriate pains

I saw the doctor today, an he doesn’t know what’s causing it, he did all sorts of tests, an found nothing, though he was kinda worried about a lump I found in my neck, I’ve asked for blood work to be done

I’m hoping that its all from stress an anxiety, in the past due to that, my arms have gone numb, also my chest, legs an the right side of my brain, I’d been unable to eat for months as I was living off of nervous energy

Sometimes I walk around like I’ve been drugged, or with jolts running through my body, like seizures, which feels like you’re being electrocuted, but without any pain

Its a horrible thing, anxiety, an how it can take on any form of illness or symptom within your body

I think with everything that’s going on, with me, my family, an putting so much pressure on myself over this new relationship type scenario I’ve found myself in, an what I’m going through separately, I’m just exhausted

And everyday there seems to be a new drama

Just last night, men from out of town, attacked my aunts bungalow, trying to get in, an trying to break the windows

It all started between my brother an another guy who lives nearby, falling out, but then he had to get his friends involved, the guys were apparently all drunk, the police were called, an lucky no damage was really done, but its scary

I didn’t even feel comfortable there today, the sooner my aunt moves the better, there are no good memories there anymore

Where I live, about a mile from my aunt, is a completely different world, its a more ‘well-to-do’ area, its like being in the country, so quiet, an never any trouble, which I’m so grateful for

Taking everything into account, I just feel like life is punishing me, all the bad people in this life seem to be happy, an people like me, who wouldn’t hurt a fly, seem to suffer the most, I never understand that, maybe they live more because they don’t care

They do say the good die young, I feel like I’m already there sometimes