Deep Breath, And Breathe Again

I’m so mixed up lately… I have two lives playing out in my head, there’s me, the quiet, quite shy, keeps himself to himself, nice guy, then there’s tylar, the out going, adventurous side, who wants to live an take control of the chaos

Tylar is all the sides to myself that I keep under control, its somehow spilt of into another person, not spilt personality, but somewhere on the border, because that side to me has separate thoughts of its own, which is weird I guess, but why I also regard it as another person.. Maybe that doesn’t make sense to people reading this, but that’s how it is now

I’m actually tired of being ‘damaged’… Tired of being so emotional, but having to hold it in, or hide an let it all go in private, there’s no one I can turn to, an it feels so lonely to exist that way

I hate living the life of needing help, but the ‘help’ needs to look up a computer, or notes, to remind them of what’s going on with me, even though I’ve been seeing them for years, ok they lead busy lives, but am I that disregarded in the space of say two weeks, its like I’m a stranger, there for the first time

I hate living each day, in normal surroundings, but something pulls me from what’s going on around me, like I’m there, but I’m somehow outside real life, like I can see beyond the everyday an that moments existence

I’ll be happy, but my mind pulls me down, the feeling of dread washes over me, like a rollercoaster of mini highs, an quick lows, its like the bad side of the illness, waiting in the shadows, coming out every now an again, just to remind me its there, like I can’t really be happy, without a price

My mind will race, with nothing but negative thoughts, sometimes make me remember old memories, flashing them in my head so fast I can’t keep up, I actually have to beg it to stop sometimes, other times it’ll flash me things that haven’t happened, like my mind is playing someone elses life on fast forward, right up until they are old, or show me how they’ll die etc, its horrible

I’m just angry, angry at life, angry at myself for being so weak, an telling myself it’ll be ok, when I know it won’t, for trusting people who always hurt me, for putting up with how selfish people around me are, for having to fake emotions to fit in, and also for punishing myself so much

I wish I could open up more to people, I hate that I can be so backward an cold, it isn’t that hard to hug someone, to say ‘I love you’ to keep eye contact, an not be so awkward, learn to trust again, an not be so paranoid that people are out to get me

But also to stop being selfish with my emotions in general, i guess in a way I’m testing people, but really I’m pushing them away

This is all just a toxic weight on my shoulders, the repeating thoughts an torments of a troubled mind

Hmmm… Deep breath…

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2 responses to “Deep Breath, And Breathe Again

  1. That’s exactly how my husband is. I’ve long thought there is some distant relationship to bipolar and split personalities. The difference is a bipolar knows about the other personality, but neither can control it. I wish there were a cure!

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