Once Upon.. A Complicated Love Story

Yesterday I finally met my ‘complicated romance’ …is that a good way of putting it?? ….it had been talked about for weeks, a relationship formed before this day, meeting was the final step in a whirlwind of shared emotions

The day started of with nerves, of course, I had played the day out a million times in my head

I got ready, tried to look nice, or at least as close to one of the photos I’d sent, I’d taken at least a hundred photos, then picked the best ones, I wanted to look like ‘those ones’, I had a few drinks, not to get drunk, just enough so I wouldn’t chicken out or make excuses

I had put off meeting a few times, if I could turn back time, I would, an should have done it sooner

When I arrived, I waited around, I was on my own waiting for her to come find me, getting sweet messages in the mean time, we met, had an awkward hug, I can’t really remember how I felt, calm an happy I think that that moment was finally over

She had suggested going for coffee, which I didn’t mind, it wasn’t that short of a walk, an the awkward silence was weird, I’d see her looking at me, I’d turn an we’d sort of laugh nervously, saying a few words here an there

I guess its strange, there’s the you from the phone, then there’s the real you, which should be the same person, but it isn’t, I guess you’re braver on the other end of a screen

Where were the two people from all the messages… Now it was just like two strangers

Sitting at starbucks, we spoke very little, it was hard because I felt like I was trying really hard, eventually I said we should go, because it was getting boring just sitting there, I just thought, if we were moving, it would be easier to feel more free an loosen up a bit

We went around a few shops, I noticed she was on her phone a few times, texting, it was ok I guess, but I didn’t like the thought, that maybe she was talking to other guys, any other day, but not today

She wasn’t replying to my messages as quick that same morning, so I had checked the dating site where we had met, an sure enough, she was online, I had mentioned how I didn’t like it in the past, an she had asked did I want her to delete her account, I said no

She had deleted it before, her way of proving that we were going to try an see what happened with us, but later made a new account, because she was ‘lonely’, I can see by that, as at first we messaged all the time, swapped nice photos, sent each other songs, she didn’t like talking as much on the phone, so we’d send voice notes, she liked to listen to my voice before she went to sleep, my photo was her screen saver etc

After a while, the messages became less an less, some days maybe only one message between us, some days not at all, there was a distance between us, so meeting was the next step, or I couldn’t see it going any further

Originally the plan that day, had been to meet, an go back to her place for dinner, have a few drinks etc, beforehand I’d been asked to stay over, but I didn’t want to really commit to anything, I never really wanted something so serious so soon

As time past I realised it wasn’t what I wanted to really do, things just didn’t feel right, because i had asked her, ‘do you want me to come back’, ‘what do you want me to do’… To which I only got a stare an a ‘its up to you’ response

So I said I didn’t want to push things any further, I’d go home, an we could meet again soon, she waited with me till my bus came, I kept thinking, its not to late, do what you had planned, an go home later, but that was that, something was lacking, an I knew I was doing the right thing… I got a message straight away, ‘thanks for meeting me, see you again very soon’

We didn’t really talk much last night, again I checked, an again she was online, today I asked how was it for her, she said it was ok, but she was shy, an that it seemed like I didn’t like her because I had mentioned I was bored, but as you’ve read, I didn’t mean it that way

She said she still feels the same for me, but on my behalf, those feelings I was beginning to have, aren’t as strong now, I didn’t feel any spark, or chemistry, but that’s only from one meeting, which didn’t really go so well

Today I feel, somewhat emotional, an I can’t really understand why, I feel horrible inside, like I’ve lost someone, an like I’m trying hard to keep a connection, that I don’t feel is there anymore

I just don’t think it will work if I’m honest, I feel its not ‘meant to be’ yet I feel really hurt an sad, even though I know all that, its like the thought of her meeting someone else perhaps, an saying all the things that she said to me, to someone else, is really hard

Even though its left like nothings changed, i now have to see how it plays out, an what will come of it all

I know its never a good idea to get in so deep before you have even met someone, but it couldn’t be helped this time, it just happened that way, Its complicated, its not love on my side, but if its not love, an I don’t see a future, then what is it, an should I be so quick to call it all to an end

Inside, it feels like its already over, I’ve been thinking about it most of today, to the point where I’m drained, I think it might just be my issue, I have to work through it, an for all I know, things could work out, I just put so much hope, an expectation into it all, an I’m judging it on one meeting, it takes time to form real feelings for someone, something I let be clouded with the thought of being happy

So I’ll keep the hope alive, until I know for sure how I really feel, when all the dust inside my mind has settled, I have to remember, it was always more complicated than normal, an i’m dealing with this while also having a mental illness, my emotions are naturally more heightened than a regular person

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