Emotional Scars

Lately I’m caught up in a place, between fantasy an reality, where I allow my mind to drift of into day dreams of a different life, but its allowing myself to wish this way, that can tip the scale the wrong way, an bring me to the bottom, where all the pain an hurt is buried

Allowing that pain to flow free can be both good an bad at times, good, because it can dull your other emotions that tear you up inside, an bad because it can turn you bitter, jealous an angry, an its harder to come back from that place

There are times when I realise my emotions are harder to grasp, like when I feel empathy for another person, or I feel humbled by someone doing something nice for me, its like a confusing split in my mind where I have to process the feeling, almost analyse how that feeling is making me feel in that moment

Over the years, I’ve tried my best to open up to people, to love, but then its like a different side of me takes over, yearning to be loved, but when I get to where I want to be with that other person, I feel uncomfortable, when I’m loved in return, I no longer want it, perhaps I’m afraid of the hurt, because it rips your heart so deep you can feel the scar it leaves

Dealing with emotions can be difficult, an put you in a lonely place, sometimes you can’t really share the burden, it has a way of swallowing you up sometimes, especially if its something you’re not used to feeling very often

Its hard to live each day, both loving an hating, constantly at war with yourself an dealing with how you feel for everyone else, sometimes there isn’t room in your life to feel anything for others, because you spend so much time trying to deal with how you’re feeling yourself

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Loving With A Glass Heart

We start our lives how we all do, silly and unaware, naive, the sun always shines and even the darkest cloud has a silver lining, As the years go on, the days turn colder, and the clouds hold only rain

Your heart that once beat with excitement, now only beats as a reminder that you’re still alive

You see us smile, we laugh, so you think we’re happy, we wear the mask of everybody else, but the eyes tell a different story

No one really knows the hidden truth, the hurt and pain behind the closed door, the smile fades, the laughter ends, replaced with lifeless eyes, the sparkle now in them from tears, the sound of laughter now is the sound of a hidden sadness, the mask is removed, everything is real, an we feel every emotion

There’s no fight, just tired, had enough, you know that raw emotion so well, sometimes living in denial, until it creeps up on you again, how can you fight something that you cant see, and you no longer have the will to if you could, its you, its me

Now hollow, happiness just in your fantasies, only memories, raw in your mind, alone you face the world, your inner voice your only friend

An out stretched hand goes cold, a cry for help lost in the wind, living like a shadow, unseen an distant

foot prints of where you’ve come, but nothing to lead you back, You walk alone, dead inside, dead to the world, forgotten as you were never seen

Any Which Way But Down

The weekend is over, but it was nice to feel free for a couple of days, keeping yourself busy really is a good way to blow away the cobwebs of mental illness, (halloween pun)

Saturday was a day we made a ‘family day’ … It always used to be, till lately I couldn’t wait to go home, because I couldn’t stand to be around them for long periods of time

It was a strange contrast to the week before

When my thoughts turned negative, I pushed those thoughts away, an stayed positive, when my mind told me I didn’t want to do something, I made myself do it, because it was right in that moment

Yesterday we went to ‘nutts corner’ … For people who don’t know, its a big weekly market type place, with stalls, new an second hand, burger stalls etc, it was fun, followed by a trip to a forum.. It was so peaceful to be by the water again, its like a second home to me

It was strange, there was so many people there, but it didn’t affect me at all, it felt good to just fit in an be part of the crowd just like everyone else

Lately I had been spending more time talking to people I’d met online, rather than the people in my real life, with my social phobia, an how my illness sometimes affects me, it is really hard for me to meet new people the way normal people would

Feeling safe behind a screen makes it too easy, so as of yesterday, I’ve cut all ties with them, it feels like the right thing to do, now they are where we met, online, an I feel that’s where they belong

I guess it was different when I was I bit younger, an before I was aware of what was happening in my life, I felt so apart from the rest of the world, an the people around me, I was in foster care, so I didn’t have my family to turn to, so i turned to the internet as a way of trying to ‘find myself’ by maybe finding answers

Also it was a safer place where I could be anyone, anyone but me

I’m the type of person that lives in a bubble of my own making, a close circle of people that I trust, with other people coming and going from my life, its hard for someone to become a part of that

Then…
Last night I went out with my mum an step dad for ice cream, an although normal day things feel, out of the ordinary for some reason, I overcame it, an just enjoyed the moment

On wednesday I see the psychologist again, I think its time I take what’s on offer, while I’m in this better state of mind… We can only try, an time will only tell

Boy In The Mirror: Jekyll And Hyde

I’m happy to tell you, that just lately I’ve been doing better, its strange because for a while, I felt like I was alone in the dark, then suddenly its like a hand reaches to pull you out, an you can see the light again, an you see the good in things once more

Depression can be like a demon that possesses every part of your being, every part of your life, an it consumes you

You become a person that you hate, usually the part of you that you can normally keep locked away, an hope never comes out, perhaps not for everyone, but for me, its like a horrible darkness inside

Everything seems darker somehow, an more lonely, you feel lost, but don’t really care if you’re found, every happy sight makes you burn with jealousy, an anger, everyone is your enemy, an no amount of kindness ever seems to be enough, because people are only objects on whom to take out your hurt an frustrations

If only you could cry, then maybe it would release some of the pain, the tears don’t come, an even if they do, they’re silent an hidden away, just like your inner voice, ‘someone please help me’ but no one ever comes, because its your private most inner feelings, grieving for something that’s missing

Things become harder to deal with, the slightest thing, that might mean nothing normally, is only another reason or excuse to dig yourself deeper into a place of misery, a place you can’t see yourself ever escaping from

Your mind becomes your only friend, because you can’t bare to be around anyone else, and a lot of the time, you’re alone with your thoughts, but it can also become the thing that you fear the most, an its the one thing you can’t run from

Pain Unleashed

~ Depression is like drowning, except you can see everyone around you breath ~

What is going on inside my head lately…

People around me don’t get it, I try my best to talk to people, to which I get short responses, I don’t expect them to get it, or have the magic answer for me, I just want more than ‘I know how you feel’

No!! No you don’t know how I feel!

I just feel like I’d love someone to just sit there, to listen, while I unleash my pain, which is really selfish I know, I just want to get it out of my head

But instead, all you end up feeling like doing is screaming, so you do, but inside, screaming on the inside, but with a fake smile on your face, that’s what really is crazy

You ask yourself, ‘what have I ever done, I’m a good person, I don’t hurt anyone, I don’t deserve this’ but mental illness has no remorse, no feeling, it doesn’t care who it affects

I just want to get away, to escape… I want to just lay somewhere in silence, away from life, away from the world

I’m tired of the stress, the fear, the panic, the obsessions an paranoia, the feeling of absolute, right to the core loneliness… I hate being bitter, an angry, an jealous, jealous of what I don’t have, an what I want

I hate not being good enough, or having nothing/done nothing to be proud of, an doing things that aren’t morally right, just because it makes me feel good, its just destructive, an then like so many times I tell myself, ‘you’ve done it again’… ‘You always do’..

I’m just someone here to be used, for what others can get from me, after that I’m just pushed aside, forgotten

Doctors, psychologists… They’re just like the medication they prescribe, they only do as the label tells you, but do they actually help, not really, they are sometimes more detrimental than they realise, an reaffirm your doubts

What’s the alternative, lay in bed, watch the days drift away while in your darkness, while having visions of a life, without you in it, maybe abuse your life an body, for a moment of release, a moment to escape, but only digs you deeper into a world that you despise so much, to just become the thing you loathe, an the person you know everyone else sees you as

Sometimes I like the pain, its the only thing that makes me feel alive anymore, not the usual me, who lives in denial, with rose tinted glasses, who pretends like I have the perfect life, blocking out my emotions, trying not to feel, an living like some kind of hollow robot

Its wrong to think, ‘I’m hurting, so everyone else around me has to also’ … ‘Why should they be happy, when I’m in misery’… These type of statements, this post, an how I’m feeling, is the cruel voice of depression, the darkness within us, when we finally cross that line, an go beyond what’s our normal, the selfish pool of hatred, that drags others around us down to whatever level we are

Its like living in a world of an eternal eclipse, everything is still the same, but also has a strange, unnatural gloomy haze to it all

I have a psychologists appointment in a weeks time, I’d love to just shout my words at him… An then say ‘Can you hear me’ … ‘Do you get it now’… ‘Do you understand, finally’, don’t just sit there, with your hollow eyes, an cold stare, an don’t beat down my words, dilute everything I say to suit everything you’ve ever read in a book, there are two words that would simply help you, – please, elaborate –

These are the types of feeling that I feel I’d love to say, the things I beat myself up over not having said, I’m done with the dignified approach, filtering gets me nowhere in life… So I should be more assertive, that’s what its going to take from here on out

~ Mental illness is like an internal wound that always bleeds, an never heals ~

Back-Tracking Through Past Mistakes

Someone shoot me….
No not really, but I feel dead…

Why do we always get drunk, then say never again, but we always do, I’m still ill, since saturday

Apart from that, but more on it later…

I’ve been ok lately, by my standards, Sort of, the usual, life, meds, drama, dealing with it, emotions… My everyday life really

But then you sit back, you take stock, an you think, this isn’t normal, thinking that while being around family, especially just after having the thought ‘I can no longer stand these people’

Is that normal, to start to lose all the feelings, or love you may have had for the people in you life??

That was my thoughts on friday…

Come saturday, I had a good day, an I was invited to have a drink that night, I knew I shouldn’t, but as I always try to do, I play both versions of the night out in my head, an see which I’d rather do, or which I might regret not doing

So, I went, got drunk, did other ‘things’ I shouldn’t, you fill in the gap…

Even though I said I wouldn’t mention her anymore, I have been keeping in touch with the girl I met online, an through drink I unleashed all my feelings, I know, bad idea, its like reopening an old wound that should have been left alone

But I’m stuck in this strange place, where, I’ve found myself having feelings for the ‘phone version’ of her, but I know I don’t have any for the ‘real life’ her, I don’t know anymore, I can’t really understand it myself, maybe I’m just lonely

I was the one who ended it, I know it was from fear, an maybe slightly through my immature mind games, but we have remained friendly, yet I’ve been flirting, an dieting in hopes of looking better when we next met, in hopes of what though? What do I want….

Anyway, later that night, of course my younger brother landed, an joined in, my two brothers were falling out an threatening each other all night, an I mean all night, we all stayed up right through till sunday morning, when I’d finally had enough an went home

That night, my mum an step dad went out, leaving me alone with my younger brother, who by then had too come home, at that point he started drinking again! An blasted the radio for over two hours, so loud, things in my room were vibrating

My mum finally came home, at which point, she had had enough, my younger brother does this kind of thing too often, an then annoys everyone else, unlike me, I have my fun, an come home at reasonable times, an that’s it, regardless of whether I’m just as silly for getting involved in drinking or whatever

I’m tired of my mum telling him its time he moved out, yet things remain the same, an I have to listen to her complain all the time, she should just stick to the things she says, an stop giving in

Yesterday I felt so sick, an my head was pounding… Today I still feel really ill, but then I’m not surprised, an on top of that, I ran out of my meds, silly me, I haven’t had any since friday, so I guess maybe slight withdrawal could be setting in, I’m not an expert on that though

I always feel so guilty after doing anything like this weekend, its not the life I want, I guess it might be worse if I had a problem, but even so

I don’t know where I am in life, an I don’t know where I’m going anymore, I don’t even know ‘who I am’ now

Snap Shots Of A Present Future

Its eye opening, when you look back on your life, at all the people who have been a part of it, everyone who is no longer in your life have each left you with a little piece that makes up your ‘jigsaw’, so to speak, some change you for the better, you learn from it, but some leave a scar, an we cope with it

Its a strange thought to try an think of life a year from now, an where I might be, my court case an claim against homefirst will finally be over, an hopefully at last I’ll feel free again, an ready to leave that part of my life where it is, in the past

That will be june next year, after that I’ve decided to find a place of my own, an maybe learn to drive, get some more independents in life, an not to ‘depend’ on others so much, an maybe meet someone special, things don’t always work out, but it can teach us where not to go wrong next time

I hope my family an I, can finally be settled, an be closer, these days my older brother only says ‘I love you’.. When he’s been drinking, an my younger brother is like a stranger to me now, we grew up together, we were all we had, but now we have drifted apart, not going to deep into detail, as I’ve already explained certain things in past posts, but a stronger relationship with other family members would also be good

All the pieces are there to be put back together

I have learned a lot over this past year, about who I am, an what I want in life now, I only wish that what I know now, I knew sooner but, I’m learning more about myself everyday, an the unknown isn’t as scary as I thought, its just taking the risks an that leap of faith

I also know that there will always be hard times ahead, an we have to learn how to stay strong an face them, which can be easier said than done sometimes

There is such a thing as wishful thinking, but what’s life without a wish an a dream