Back-Tracking Through Past Mistakes

Someone shoot me….
No not really, but I feel dead…

Why do we always get drunk, then say never again, but we always do, I’m still ill, since saturday

Apart from that, but more on it later…

I’ve been ok lately, by my standards, Sort of, the usual, life, meds, drama, dealing with it, emotions… My everyday life really

But then you sit back, you take stock, an you think, this isn’t normal, thinking that while being around family, especially just after having the thought ‘I can no longer stand these people’

Is that normal, to start to lose all the feelings, or love you may have had for the people in you life??

That was my thoughts on friday…

Come saturday, I had a good day, an I was invited to have a drink that night, I knew I shouldn’t, but as I always try to do, I play both versions of the night out in my head, an see which I’d rather do, or which I might regret not doing

So, I went, got drunk, did other ‘things’ I shouldn’t, you fill in the gap…

Even though I said I wouldn’t mention her anymore, I have been keeping in touch with the girl I met online, an through drink I unleashed all my feelings, I know, bad idea, its like reopening an old wound that should have been left alone

But I’m stuck in this strange place, where, I’ve found myself having feelings for the ‘phone version’ of her, but I know I don’t have any for the ‘real life’ her, I don’t know anymore, I can’t really understand it myself, maybe I’m just lonely

I was the one who ended it, I know it was from fear, an maybe slightly through my immature mind games, but we have remained friendly, yet I’ve been flirting, an dieting in hopes of looking better when we next met, in hopes of what though? What do I want….

Anyway, later that night, of course my younger brother landed, an joined in, my two brothers were falling out an threatening each other all night, an I mean all night, we all stayed up right through till sunday morning, when I’d finally had enough an went home

That night, my mum an step dad went out, leaving me alone with my younger brother, who by then had too come home, at that point he started drinking again! An blasted the radio for over two hours, so loud, things in my room were vibrating

My mum finally came home, at which point, she had had enough, my younger brother does this kind of thing too often, an then annoys everyone else, unlike me, I have my fun, an come home at reasonable times, an that’s it, regardless of whether I’m just as silly for getting involved in drinking or whatever

I’m tired of my mum telling him its time he moved out, yet things remain the same, an I have to listen to her complain all the time, she should just stick to the things she says, an stop giving in

Yesterday I felt so sick, an my head was pounding… Today I still feel really ill, but then I’m not surprised, an on top of that, I ran out of my meds, silly me, I haven’t had any since friday, so I guess maybe slight withdrawal could be setting in, I’m not an expert on that though

I always feel so guilty after doing anything like this weekend, its not the life I want, I guess it might be worse if I had a problem, but even so

I don’t know where I am in life, an I don’t know where I’m going anymore, I don’t even know ‘who I am’ now


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