Pain Unleashed

~ Depression is like drowning, except you can see everyone around you breath ~

What is going on inside my head lately…

People around me don’t get it, I try my best to talk to people, to which I get short responses, I don’t expect them to get it, or have the magic answer for me, I just want more than ‘I know how you feel’

No!! No you don’t know how I feel!

I just feel like I’d love someone to just sit there, to listen, while I unleash my pain, which is really selfish I know, I just want to get it out of my head

But instead, all you end up feeling like doing is screaming, so you do, but inside, screaming on the inside, but with a fake smile on your face, that’s what really is crazy

You ask yourself, ‘what have I ever done, I’m a good person, I don’t hurt anyone, I don’t deserve this’ but mental illness has no remorse, no feeling, it doesn’t care who it affects

I just want to get away, to escape… I want to just lay somewhere in silence, away from life, away from the world

I’m tired of the stress, the fear, the panic, the obsessions an paranoia, the feeling of absolute, right to the core loneliness… I hate being bitter, an angry, an jealous, jealous of what I don’t have, an what I want

I hate not being good enough, or having nothing/done nothing to be proud of, an doing things that aren’t morally right, just because it makes me feel good, its just destructive, an then like so many times I tell myself, ‘you’ve done it again’… ‘You always do’..

I’m just someone here to be used, for what others can get from me, after that I’m just pushed aside, forgotten

Doctors, psychologists… They’re just like the medication they prescribe, they only do as the label tells you, but do they actually help, not really, they are sometimes more detrimental than they realise, an reaffirm your doubts

What’s the alternative, lay in bed, watch the days drift away while in your darkness, while having visions of a life, without you in it, maybe abuse your life an body, for a moment of release, a moment to escape, but only digs you deeper into a world that you despise so much, to just become the thing you loathe, an the person you know everyone else sees you as

Sometimes I like the pain, its the only thing that makes me feel alive anymore, not the usual me, who lives in denial, with rose tinted glasses, who pretends like I have the perfect life, blocking out my emotions, trying not to feel, an living like some kind of hollow robot

Its wrong to think, ‘I’m hurting, so everyone else around me has to also’ … ‘Why should they be happy, when I’m in misery’… These type of statements, this post, an how I’m feeling, is the cruel voice of depression, the darkness within us, when we finally cross that line, an go beyond what’s our normal, the selfish pool of hatred, that drags others around us down to whatever level we are

Its like living in a world of an eternal eclipse, everything is still the same, but also has a strange, unnatural gloomy haze to it all

I have a psychologists appointment in a weeks time, I’d love to just shout my words at him… An then say ‘Can you hear me’ … ‘Do you get it now’… ‘Do you understand, finally’, don’t just sit there, with your hollow eyes, an cold stare, an don’t beat down my words, dilute everything I say to suit everything you’ve ever read in a book, there are two words that would simply help you, – please, elaborate –

These are the types of feeling that I feel I’d love to say, the things I beat myself up over not having said, I’m done with the dignified approach, filtering gets me nowhere in life… So I should be more assertive, that’s what its going to take from here on out

~ Mental illness is like an internal wound that always bleeds, an never heals ~

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One response to “Pain Unleashed

  1. This world is a cruel place but we are a part of this world- we have this life to live, so why not live it?
    If there is not anyone out there within your hands’ grasp to listen to you or the psychiatrists aren’t of any help, then write down- write down everything you feel- everything you think- everything that depresses you like you have done in this post- do that- get this evil depression out of your system by way of writing. Talk about it, speak out, open up! Take Care!
    Love,
    HA

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