Any Which Way But Down

The weekend is over, but it was nice to feel free for a couple of days, keeping yourself busy really is a good way to blow away the cobwebs of mental illness, (halloween pun)

Saturday was a day we made a ‘family day’ … It always used to be, till lately I couldn’t wait to go home, because I couldn’t stand to be around them for long periods of time

It was a strange contrast to the week before

When my thoughts turned negative, I pushed those thoughts away, an stayed positive, when my mind told me I didn’t want to do something, I made myself do it, because it was right in that moment

Yesterday we went to ‘nutts corner’ … For people who don’t know, its a big weekly market type place, with stalls, new an second hand, burger stalls etc, it was fun, followed by a trip to a forum.. It was so peaceful to be by the water again, its like a second home to me

It was strange, there was so many people there, but it didn’t affect me at all, it felt good to just fit in an be part of the crowd just like everyone else

Lately I had been spending more time talking to people I’d met online, rather than the people in my real life, with my social phobia, an how my illness sometimes affects me, it is really hard for me to meet new people the way normal people would

Feeling safe behind a screen makes it too easy, so as of yesterday, I’ve cut all ties with them, it feels like the right thing to do, now they are where we met, online, an I feel that’s where they belong

I guess it was different when I was I bit younger, an before I was aware of what was happening in my life, I felt so apart from the rest of the world, an the people around me, I was in foster care, so I didn’t have my family to turn to, so i turned to the internet as a way of trying to ‘find myself’ by maybe finding answers

Also it was a safer place where I could be anyone, anyone but me

I’m the type of person that lives in a bubble of my own making, a close circle of people that I trust, with other people coming and going from my life, its hard for someone to become a part of that

Last night I went out with my mum an step dad for ice cream, an although normal day things feel, out of the ordinary for some reason, I overcame it, an just enjoyed the moment

On wednesday I see the psychologist again, I think its time I take what’s on offer, while I’m in this better state of mind… We can only try, an time will only tell


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