Losing Control

This type of psychotic personality comes out in me sometimes, where its like I’ve been living in a rose tinted haze, then Its like i become ‘tylar’ the other side to me that I’ve spoken about before, its like I finally see the truth… Like being drunk with a sober mind, maybe tylar is the real me, an the me I usually am is the crazy one

I think the people around me are killing me, they love to see me weak, they’d hate for me to break away from them, be the one who actually did something, other than revolving my life around them, and ‘us’, I know some of them secretly hate me, quite a few people do, you know how you can just tell, but I don’t care, let them hate me, if it makes them happy

They don’t love me, I don’t think they know what love is, they know how it should look, an they know how they should act, but its not real, everything is shown, but nothing is felt

Its funny how sometimes I don’t feel safe around them anymore, like I know they’d love to kill me, or see me in pain, an I can’t trust them anymore, I’m beginning to feel less an less for them, its like I’m adopted, that’s how I feel, its like they’ve kidnapped me, an I don’t belong here, its like they are all one person, one mind, but not me, I’m not like them, I’m apart, I’m different, I’ve always known that much to be true, even though I’m explaining it in a rather odd way

I’ve often dreamed of just disappearing into the night, never to be heard from again, where would I go, or where would I end up, maybe in a shop door way, sleeping in a cardboard box, maybe dead, who knows what we are destined for in life

I’m beginning to crack, an I know that, its like a rattly old door with loose hinges, its kind of scary, but at the same time, its like I’m more normal now than before, because I can feel everything, but then that’s the problem, I can feel, an I don’t like it, I prefer when I can switch it all off, but I’m currently trapped somewhere in between

I’m writing without a filter today, like a look inside some ones mind who is starting to fall apart, ‘go get help’ would probably be your first thought, but no, I’m not beyond self control, I’m just a little manic, an my mind is flowing with all these ideas

Its strange when you feel this way, its like you can live a hundred different lives in your head, in the space of minutes, the plans are there, so is the energy, yet the energy isn’t really there, because its imagined, its not actually real, I guess, maybe that’s why the negative thoughts are there, because I see these people as holding me back

They aren’t smoking, so the things they say are slightly passive aggressive all the time, subtle digs, sweetly glazed with a ‘its just a joke’ smile, its like not smoking makes people just agitated enough to speak the truth, because it makes how they are suffering, a little easier to cope with

You always get that self independent voice, ‘you don’t need them, you never have’ …’They are only holding you back’, ‘what will you become with this as your life’

I wish I could split of from who I am, leave him here, an I could get away, they can have who I am, he can be with them, but not me, its like I’m another person, they can’t have that, because I don’t want them, I don’t belong here anymore, I’m beyond them now, beyond their reach

I don’t really know what I’m saying, I probably sound a bit crazy, but this is how I feel an think everyday, an I have for a long time, so I know its honest, an not the ramblings of some deluded fantasy that I’ve dreamed up through illness

I can’t breath here, I’m dyeing here, or I’ve died here already, being ignored, is like you don’t exist, that’s how I feel, its like they’ve hollowed me out, they’ve taken everything that I am, they made me this way, so they can’t blame me for what I’ve become

There’s too much in my head, there’s too many thoughts, too many memories, too much hurt an anger, there’s too much emotion for me to stay in control of anymore, its like its tearing my mind apart, because it keeps growing an swelling almost

Its the stress I think, the loneliness of it all, it can be over bearing, but I’m strong, I put all what I’ve just written to one side, I can lock it away, so to speak, push it way down, an its gone, until it surfaces again, like now, an its just like riding out a storm until I can push it back once again, it just gets harder each time, I’ll be ok, I always am

It’s Hard To Tell Your Mind To Stop Loving Someone, When Your Heart Still Does

Letting my guard down is a dangerous thing, I always end up getting hurt in the end, which makes me spiral slightly out of control, like I’m free-falling

I thought for a while, ‘finally, I’ve met someone who makes me happy’…but things don’t always work out like the silly plans in your head, because half the time they’re just that, silly

Taking away that happiness leaves a strange void, an I found myself lately becoming a bit obsessive, always wondering where they were, what they were doing, who were they with, which now I realise verged slightly on stalkerish, but it wasn’t done in that way, I was replacing that emptiness with what I thought was some kind of closeness in my head

I found myself trying to meet someone else, anyone really, to fill the gap, to move on, to replace what was now missing, but its like a jigsaw with the wrong piece, it just doesn’t fit the way you think it might

I’d allowed myself to become an emotional wreck, from other things also, but this situation didn’t help, I was lost in my own thoughts an silly fantasies, somewhere between delusion, jealousy, paranoia an rage

I’ve almost overcome it now, I’m not going to lie, it hurts, maybe the fact that someone can ‘get on with their life’ so fast, even after you’re no longer in it, an it doesn’t seem to phase them in the slightest, but finally sense has come back to me, an I realise that I was wasting my time, on someone who didn’t appreciate it, so I’ve made a choice to spend time with the people who do, because I deserve so much better than what I allow myself to settle for

Things won’t always work out the way you hoped, an I have to learn to except that I can’t change it, there comes a time when you need to tell yourself, its a fail, one of many, its done, its over, move on with your life, because the world waits for no one, an that other person isn’t waiting for you

The Mr Men Of Crazy

My life is so up an down lately, which is making my emotions go haywire, each day is like ticking off a ballot of all the different highs an lows I go through

Everyone around me seems to be so tetchy these days, they are so stubborn an head strong, that having your own opinion sparks of yet another disagreement, the worst part for me is the total lack of interest, I can’t be heard, an no one wants to listen

My mum is usually tired, an she has become quite snappy, she’s never done complaining about something, usually about how she’s feeling, its become boring now, my aunt is so snotty, using a tone of voice that would make anyone cross, my older brothers anger seems to be sparked off easily, an when he’s not angry, you would swear he has ADHD

They are all now in the process of packing to move house, but it feels like, to me, that they are only ‘packing their troubles to go’

An then there’s my younger brother, who again was arrested last night at gun point, after he an a friend got drunk, an stupidly cut each other with a knife, my brothers friend stupidly asked him to do it, an of course he did, it was serious enough though at first to be classed as GBH with intent, but he was released today, pending further investigation

So my mum chose this time to kick him out, which I felt was wrong, it should have been handled weeks ago, so right now he’s with the housing executive, trying to find somewhere to stay tonight, because he’s broken so many bridges, an his only friends seem to be ‘drink buddies’ he has no one there for him

Part of me knows that the way he’s been acting, an the way he’s been treating us all is not right, an not easy to forgive, an that he needs to be shown that we won’t stand for it, but i can’t help but feel guilty, an there’s nothing I can do, an even if I could, would it be right to

Perhaps its as we have a slightly different relationship from the others, growing up, we were all we had, although we have drifted apart over the last few years, that bond will always be there over the others

In the midst of it all, I’m trying to hold myself together, but its like, so much is going wrong, my problems seem so minor, an to not force myself to almost keep quiet would be seen as being selfish

I don’t know how I feel, I don’t know how I should feel, I guess I feel lost, that’s all I can really say at this moment in time

Look Around You, This Is Your Life

Have you ever just took a moment, you look around you, an think, ‘this is my life’, this is all I have in the world, an this sums up everything I’ve ever done, an everywhere I’ve ever been, an everyone I’ve ever known

The therapist from the other day was right, she advised me as a therapist, to not put my life on hold, I had told her that once my court case was over, which will be june next year, that i would plan to move out into my own place, an try to make it on my own, she said that was almost another year that I was putting my life on hold for, an really… What was stopping me

With everything I’m surrounded by, it is a toxic environment, she wondered why I stick around, then she said, there’s my step dad, being the only one in our close circle of family without some form of mental illness, if she was him, after everything I’d told her, she would have been gone long ago

I’m glad that she gave me things to come away thinking about, no one I’ve seen in my mental health team has ever really just been blunt with me, I, an I don’t think any of us truly do, want help from people who just sit there nodding along an writing away, but not actually doing anything to point us in the right direction

Secretly, we all know the truth already, but might not want to face the reality of it, or just live in denial, until someone just tells us how it is, it might come as a blow, or knock us back, but its everything we’ve known all along, its nothing we didn’t already know, I guess its called perspective, an I think that’s what people like us, with any form of illness really need

The Truth Hurts

Today has been quite stressful, my great aunt passed away today, sadly I never got to meet her in person, that’s what’s truly sad

This morning i was woken by the police, who had come out to arrest my younger brother, for things he had done while drunk some time ago,

Not long after that, I had to get ready to head out for my appointment with a therapist, who had flown in from Manchester, in regards to my court case against social services, so that was two hours of dragging up the past again, though she is impartial in the case, it felt like I was defending myself the whole time, while she picked apart my life an in the end made me feel like a loser who’s never accomplished anything, an that my life is consumed with my mental illness, more or less besides anger, its all I have, so yes, it was kind of demoralising in a way

She asked me how did I see myself, five years from now, to which I couldn’t answer, I can barely think of my life tomorrow to be honest, I told her of my life now, an she wondered why I stick around, I could only tell her that these people, my family, they are all I really have an its this, or nothing

She told me I need to let go of the anger, or it will consume my life, an that I shouldn’t wait until the case is over to really begin my life again, she’s right, an perhaps she was the first person to really be honest with me in a long time, she even told me this blog wasn’t a good idea, because again it involves mental illness

I almost broke down several times, I was anxious, I got frustrated an cross, I started over heating, then my medication kicked in at the wrong time, an my concentration started to go, an I couldn’t help myself from laughing for no reason, so it was very emotional, an I felt so drained of energy

She told me if I thought that, that appointment was hard, its nothing compared to how the welfares barrister will be towards me come the trial, so I’ll be asking to be there through video link, or it’ll be diazepam, because I won’t be able to cope with the pressure otherwise

But she doesn’t know me, she only knows the me I allowed her to see for two hours, she doesn’t know what its like for me to deal with things everyday, some people can know so much, but still be so clueless

We only had two hours, but when my solicitor got a time extension, I just told them regardless, I’d had enough, an I was done, but was the therapist right, unwillingly I’ll say yes, the truth is never easy to hear I guess

I still haven’t recovered, my thoughts are all over the place, an I still feel slightly disoriented from it all

My Brother: The Hopeless Drunk

Void….
That’s the only way I can really explain how I’m feeling, its like my emotions have built up until a sort of short circuit has happened, so I’m kind of feeling empty

Though family life is drama filled as usual

My younger brother has been living life like one big party lately, its come to the point where I don’t feel safe around him anymore, the other day a knife went missing from the drawer, an it turned out he had taken an hidden it, when asked why, he just said ‘you don’t wanna know’ i’d be lying if I said I didn’t have flashes of him using the knife on us some night

He had thought people were banging on our windows, but it was noise from next door, so perhaps having the knife was to make him feel safe

The last time we were having a drink together, he freaked out, an thought we were only pretending to be nice to him, but had a secret plan to ‘get him’.. When he had sobered up, or come around a bit, I asked him did he truly believe that, to which he just said ‘you don’t know how my mind works’

Only saturday, an again he had been drinking, trying to hide from us as we drove by him on the street, it later turned out the police were looking for him, I’m not totally sure why, but he had told a neighbour he’d threatened to stab a women that lives near us, the police later caught up with him, an gave him a caution

But the night escalated further, with him threatening other people, roaring, an trying to involve my older brother in the situations he’d got himself into, an really just being a drunken nuisance, which ended in him being arrested, held for the night, an then released on bail yesterday

So now once again, this will spread around town, like it always does, an our family name is once again being pulled through the mud

Today he had the cheek to ask me to buy him a top up for his phone, especially after me only buying him cigarettes, an after what he’s done, an on top of that, just lying at home all day, wanting to be lifted an laid by everyone else like nothings happened

But that’s him, always doing what he wants, then its as if he did nothing wrong, like his own lala land, an then asks favours because his ‘lifestyle’ leaves him with nothing, he has no respect for anyone anymore, its like I’m talking about a stranger