The Truth Hurts

Today has been quite stressful, my great aunt passed away today, sadly I never got to meet her in person, that’s what’s truly sad

This morning i was woken by the police, who had come out to arrest my younger brother, for things he had done while drunk some time ago,

Not long after that, I had to get ready to head out for my appointment with a therapist, who had flown in from Manchester, in regards to my court case against social services, so that was two hours of dragging up the past again, though she is impartial in the case, it felt like I was defending myself the whole time, while she picked apart my life an in the end made me feel like a loser who’s never accomplished anything, an that my life is consumed with my mental illness, more or less besides anger, its all I have, so yes, it was kind of demoralising in a way

She asked me how did I see myself, five years from now, to which I couldn’t answer, I can barely think of my life tomorrow to be honest, I told her of my life now, an she wondered why I stick around, I could only tell her that these people, my family, they are all I really have an its this, or nothing

She told me I need to let go of the anger, or it will consume my life, an that I shouldn’t wait until the case is over to really begin my life again, she’s right, an perhaps she was the first person to really be honest with me in a long time, she even told me this blog wasn’t a good idea, because again it involves mental illness

I almost broke down several times, I was anxious, I got frustrated an cross, I started over heating, then my medication kicked in at the wrong time, an my concentration started to go, an I couldn’t help myself from laughing for no reason, so it was very emotional, an I felt so drained of energy

She told me if I thought that, that appointment was hard, its nothing compared to how the welfares barrister will be towards me come the trial, so I’ll be asking to be there through video link, or it’ll be diazepam, because I won’t be able to cope with the pressure otherwise

But she doesn’t know me, she only knows the me I allowed her to see for two hours, she doesn’t know what its like for me to deal with things everyday, some people can know so much, but still be so clueless

We only had two hours, but when my solicitor got a time extension, I just told them regardless, I’d had enough, an I was done, but was the therapist right, unwillingly I’ll say yes, the truth is never easy to hear I guess

I still haven’t recovered, my thoughts are all over the place, an I still feel slightly disoriented from it all


One response to “The Truth Hurts

  1. It sounds like she gave you a good grilling. I have severe Bi-polar myself and I’ve been there before, if you come away feeling you’ve kept some stuff to yourself, that’s good.

    I think she’s absolutely wrong about the anger and the Blog. Anger is a healthy expression of pain and frustration as long as you don’t turn it in on yourself. The more you try to stop it, the more repressed you’ll feel, even depressed. As for the Blog, it’s the best thing I’ve done in years. How can expressing your emotions and ideas be bad. one is more likely to see sense, or feel less burdeoned.

    It’s a diary and all therapists that I know recommend a diary. I enjoy reading about your struggles. They are great companionship. Intimate and real. I hope you will have a look-out for my piece ‘Up, Up, And Away’ and draw strength from that. I will proof read it and publish it later today. It would be an honour if you wrote a few of your ideas about it. Take care, John

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