Losing Control

This type of psychotic personality comes out in me sometimes, where its like I’ve been living in a rose tinted haze, then Its like i become ‘tylar’ the other side to me that I’ve spoken about before, its like I finally see the truth… Like being drunk with a sober mind, maybe tylar is the real me, an the me I usually am is the crazy one

I think the people around me are killing me, they love to see me weak, they’d hate for me to break away from them, be the one who actually did something, other than revolving my life around them, and ‘us’, I know some of them secretly hate me, quite a few people do, you know how you can just tell, but I don’t care, let them hate me, if it makes them happy

They don’t love me, I don’t think they know what love is, they know how it should look, an they know how they should act, but its not real, everything is shown, but nothing is felt

Its funny how sometimes I don’t feel safe around them anymore, like I know they’d love to kill me, or see me in pain, an I can’t trust them anymore, I’m beginning to feel less an less for them, its like I’m adopted, that’s how I feel, its like they’ve kidnapped me, an I don’t belong here, its like they are all one person, one mind, but not me, I’m not like them, I’m apart, I’m different, I’ve always known that much to be true, even though I’m explaining it in a rather odd way

I’ve often dreamed of just disappearing into the night, never to be heard from again, where would I go, or where would I end up, maybe in a shop door way, sleeping in a cardboard box, maybe dead, who knows what we are destined for in life

I’m beginning to crack, an I know that, its like a rattly old door with loose hinges, its kind of scary, but at the same time, its like I’m more normal now than before, because I can feel everything, but then that’s the problem, I can feel, an I don’t like it, I prefer when I can switch it all off, but I’m currently trapped somewhere in between

I’m writing without a filter today, like a look inside some ones mind who is starting to fall apart, ‘go get help’ would probably be your first thought, but no, I’m not beyond self control, I’m just a little manic, an my mind is flowing with all these ideas

Its strange when you feel this way, its like you can live a hundred different lives in your head, in the space of minutes, the plans are there, so is the energy, yet the energy isn’t really there, because its imagined, its not actually real, I guess, maybe that’s why the negative thoughts are there, because I see these people as holding me back

They aren’t smoking, so the things they say are slightly passive aggressive all the time, subtle digs, sweetly glazed with a ‘its just a joke’ smile, its like not smoking makes people just agitated enough to speak the truth, because it makes how they are suffering, a little easier to cope with

You always get that self independent voice, ‘you don’t need them, you never have’ …’They are only holding you back’, ‘what will you become with this as your life’

I wish I could split of from who I am, leave him here, an I could get away, they can have who I am, he can be with them, but not me, its like I’m another person, they can’t have that, because I don’t want them, I don’t belong here anymore, I’m beyond them now, beyond their reach

I don’t really know what I’m saying, I probably sound a bit crazy, but this is how I feel an think everyday, an I have for a long time, so I know its honest, an not the ramblings of some deluded fantasy that I’ve dreamed up through illness

I can’t breath here, I’m dyeing here, or I’ve died here already, being ignored, is like you don’t exist, that’s how I feel, its like they’ve hollowed me out, they’ve taken everything that I am, they made me this way, so they can’t blame me for what I’ve become

There’s too much in my head, there’s too many thoughts, too many memories, too much hurt an anger, there’s too much emotion for me to stay in control of anymore, its like its tearing my mind apart, because it keeps growing an swelling almost

Its the stress I think, the loneliness of it all, it can be over bearing, but I’m strong, I put all what I’ve just written to one side, I can lock it away, so to speak, push it way down, an its gone, until it surfaces again, like now, an its just like riding out a storm until I can push it back once again, it just gets harder each time, I’ll be ok, I always am

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One response to “Losing Control

  1. Your post really resonated with me, I have been feeling more and more similarly (to what you described at the top there, I just call her “crazy girlfriend” in my situation) as time has been going on lately, to the point where she broke through and was terrorizing my life at work and I didn’t know it. The moment I realized was just as you described, “like finally seeing the truth” and boy was it sobering.

    I wouldn’t normally add this, but I wrote about that revelation recently on my blog (you can follow this back to reach it I believe), it just blows my mind how similar what you’re describing is to what I’ve been feeling.

    Thanks for sharing, and keep it up!

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