Christmas Wishes

Its been one hell of a year!!… It seems like every year tops the last, life always seems to find new ways of hurting us, it always has its ups an downs, an those unpredictable moments, but its how we deal with it, that’s the real test, we will always make mistakes, but we learn from them

I’ve taken little steps toward moving forward this year, my family, I’ve come to realise will never change, they’re wrapped up like a new gift of drama everyday, but that is something I’ve come to except, as hard as it may be at times, I can only hope that things will improve, an that they too, make steps to change eventually

I opened my heart to people again, it may have been broken, but at least it taught me what I truly want, an what I was allowing myself to settle for, the main thing is i tried, but more than anything, i need to learn to be more patient, there’s no easy road to happiness, it takes time

Next year, I will try to take bigger strides in my life, maybe even leaps! Instead of bounding through it all, which means i also need to learn to enjoy the journey and the view

In february I’ll be 27, phew, where have the years gone! Come may it will have been ten years since I left foster care an moved home, so I’ll definitely be celebrating that, its a mile stone!! then come june, it will be me vs homefirst, in a 5 day high court trial, I’ve been working on a claim against them for about 8 years, an finally it will all be over, win or lose

Most of all, in the new year, i’d like to laugh more, love more, learn to forgive an always keep my promises, I also need to learn there’s no rush, I set the pace of my own life, an I don’t need to try an fit myself into a perfect picture, but hopefully with time, I’ll get a better grip on this thing we call life, though every day is a clean slate, a fresh start, an a chance for us to try again

Finally, but by no means last, to you, my followers, who have come this far with me, I wish only for you, what I wish for myself, thank you for joining me on my journey, an I hope you will continue to do so, we are all in this together now

Merry christmas, an a happy new year xx


Fuelled Nightmare

Sunday I was invited out to have christmas dinner, a four course meal, in a lovely restaurant with my god mother, but as always these days, my tablets left me really tired, so I cancelled, instead, I stayed home, but with all my decisions lately, I live to regret them

My brother an his girlfriend came to visit, an again they were fighting, an again, my brother took it too far, this time, from what I heard, they fell out over food, I stayed upstairs, but I could hear everything, him threatening her, calling her names, grabbing her by the hair, telling her to go back home to her parents, I don’t need this around me, especially in my home, where I come to escape all their drama

Then there’s my younger brother, who has finally got his own house, though sunday night was the first night he chose to sleep there, he landed back to my aunts (where he had since moved to from our house about a week ago) smelling of drink

Monday night, they were both drinking at my aunts, ironically my older brother finished his drug an alcohol course, an chose to celebrate it by drinking, they invited others in, an all hell broke loose, they were falling out an wanting to fight each other, though they eventually calmed down, but my younger brothers nose is cut, an my aunts face is bruised, where there had hit each other in a separate fall out

My aunt was in tears over it, she has no choice but to stick it out, she has no say in her own home, even though she speaks her mind, an is no push over, she’d be ignored or threatened if she did stand up for herself

My step dad was even threatening to ‘cancel christmas’, a tad dramatic, but I don’t blame him, he does all the work, an this could be a glimpse of what christmas night might be like

Last night, again they were drinking, separately, but ended up together, my step dad gets lots of wine an things given to him over christmas, my older brother had a few glasses when he came to visit us last night, but of course a few for him always turns into more, so after he left an they met up, they ended up drinking all night, an it ended with my younger brother smashing windows in his new house, he’s only had the house a week

today a man that’s had a fallout with my older brother called to my aunts house looking for him, their actions always bring trouble around my aunts house, that’s why they are trying to move, to escape it all, I’m sometimes worried those people that have something against my brothers will one day come after me

I think of how much I want to try, try to change my life, to make it better, but I look at them, an I realise they never will

My uncle once told me, that I need to get away from them, that I have so much potential, but the people around me are like dead weights, dragging me down, an I need to cut loose, or I’ll never go anywhere

That’s what he did, an he’s glad he did, now he’s happy an he’s really successful, maybe our family weren’t the cause, but they defiantly would have held him back

I know what I need to do, I need to create some distance between us, I can still have the same life, with them in it, but also a separate one of my own, that doesn’t involve them as much

Overwhelmed And Under-Valued

Its strange that when you’re emotional, you turn to things that you assume will free you from the pain, its like a flood, being weighed down, an having to ride out the tide while holding your breath

~ stop letting people who do so little for you, have so much control over your mind, feelings an emotions ~

I like to draw strength from quotes I read that relate to my life

Things are not good at the moment, I’m kinda going off at the deep end, it feels like an avalanche, an everything is getting on top of me, I’m angry an moody all the time, I don’t want to be this way, live this way… But I swallow it, I push it down so I don’t show it as much, so I don’t feel it, but you can feel yourself beginning to crack, an it can be slightly scary, I feel like I’m always just one day away from a breakdown

At times I find myself hating my life, hating that I’m alive, hating everyone around me, an I find myself putting blame on them, I guess in a way they are to blame, which might sound selfish, but its not a normal life, its not the way I want to live, I can’t do this for much longer or I think I may just explode

I’m overwhelmed, and under-valued

I try to talk to people… When you, yourself are going through a hard time, it really let’s you know who is there for you, but I have no one in my life with emotional maturity, so I get my problems out there a little, heard maybe, but I might as well talk to myself

Everyone around me are still quite touchy lately, its like walking on egg shells everyday, you never know what drama you’re letting yourself in for, its really stressful at times, especially with your own thing going on

I’m self drugging, which isn’t ideal, but it helps, I take an extra pill, maybe a few pain killers, then drown myself in coffee to intensify the, I’ll call it a ‘buzz’, then I use my seroquel to switch off my mind at night, so my days are like a rollercoaster of emotions an energy switches in itself, but I haven’t turned to alcohol or anything illegal, an I’m not going overboard, just a little extra push to help me

Its so close to christmas, so I’m trying to be, ammm festive??… An stay in control, I love holidays, I enjoy them, so its like putting a pause on life for a while, new year is also just around the corner, an I need to build my will power, the power to change will come… It has to